Pierced Love (21 page)

“Whoa, wait a sec. If I remember correctly...” a voice says entering the room, “…you didn’t want me anywhere near Zar the first day we met.”

“Loudon!” I shout.

The excitement in my voice causes everyone to turn in my direction.

“Oh please, that was like weeks ago, things are totally different now,” Allie says with a giggle and a huge grin on her face.

I take my eyes off of my brother’s over excited fiancée and watch as Loudon walks in the room and comes over to stand alongside of me.

He’s dressed in comfy clothes with a grey hoodie and black track pants. Even in these clothes he looks cute.

“Hey doll, sorry I couldn’t stay last night, but the good news is I’m here now. How are you feeling?” He asks.

He grabs my hand in his and laces our fingers.

“I feel much better than last night, thank you,” I tell him, “how are you here, I thought you had school?”

“Don’t worry about me. I wanted to make sure you got home by tonight so you can start tutoring me. Then it won’t matter that I missed those dumb classes today,” he says with a wink

He bends down and kisses my forehead.

A huge smile is now plastered across my face and I feel like I couldn’t be happier than I am in this exact moment.

While Loudon has my hand in his he rests his body against the bed. I watch the reactions of everyone in the room, but no one seems to be thrown off by his public displays of affection toward me. Maybe it’s just me that thinks this is a bigger deal than it really has to be. Loudon and I are not the center of attention that everyone needs to be focusing on and I am totally okay with that. In fact, everyone seems to be chatting amongst themselves.

“You sure you’re okay after our little talk last night?” He asks.

“Yeah, I’m good. Thanks so much for being here for me. I needed a friend and you were right there to help me,” I reply.

“Well, like I told you last night. You’re stuck with me and I don’t plan on going anywhere without you anytime soon.”

I lean my head against his arm and let out a relaxing breath.

He really does bring out a calmer side in me.

Mom clears her throat and pulls me out of my Loudon induced la la land.  

“Well, this has been an exciting morning for all of us I’m sure, but we need to let the doctors in to check Zar out. I’m hoping we can take you home later this afternoon,” mom says in a stern voice.

“Yes, your mom is right, let’s all head out to the waiting area and let Dr. Roberts in to talk with Zar,” dad replies and begins ushering everyone out of the room and into the hallway.

Loudon squeezes my hand and tells me he’ll see me in a few minutes.

I let go as his hand releases mine, but I so badly wish he would stay in here with me. Just having him near me helps to keep me calm. I honestly don’t know what it is about him that is so soothing to me. Maybe it’s the fact that from the start he has taken the lead with us. He’s shown me that I was worth the trouble and no matter what; he still wants to be with me.  

I watch as everyone leaves the room, all of my company except for my parents, that is.

I keep my eyes on them as the two of them speak to one another by the door and then walk over to my bed.

“Well, that certainly was a fun way to wake up,” I say trying to break up the moment of awkward silence.

“Umm yeah, now that the party has filtered out, we want to take some time to talk with you alone. Your mom and I were able to discuss some of the test results with Dr. Roberts while you were asleep. We really need to talk to you about some of the things that the doctor mentioned to us,” dad says, taking a set in the chair next to my bed.

“Okay,” I reply, seriously drawing out the word for emphasis.

I’m feeling a bit anxious about the conversation that’s about to hit me. Not knowing what the results are is killing me, but the fact that my parents are going to need a lot more information from me is even worse.

“Yes well, the results of your scan and tests were good. There is no serious damage to your brain from the seizure which is amazing, but there is still the looming concern that you have passed out twice now in the matter of a few weeks.” Mom says, coming to sit next to me in the bed.

“We’re worried about you Zar and even more concerned that there may be something going on that you won’t tell us. You know we are always here for you and if you have any health concerns you can come and talk to us.” Dad says.

I stare back and forth between my parents in pure disbelief.

Thankfully, the seizure didn’t do more harm than knock me on my ass and give me a crazy bad headache, but they are right; I should have gone to them instead of hiding the attacks.

“We get that it’s not cool to talk with your parents, but you need to understand that we are always here for you no matter what. Can you imagine if this had happened and no one was around or if you had been at school?” Mom says, placing her head in her hands.

My eyes shoot up at her. In school, does she have any clue as to what I’ve gone through the past few years?

No, she doesn’t, how could she?

This whole thing is my fault, if I would have gone and talked to them about this when it happened, things could be very different for me right now. The pain of the past five years might not even exist. They didn’t do this to me, I did.

This is my fault.

Tears begin to fall from my face and the sobs I’ve been trying to hold in bursts from my mouth.

“I’m so sorry, mom and dad. I know this all my fault. I never meant to let you down or disappoint you,” I say with tears streaming from my eyes.

Mom moves up to me on the bed and pulls me into a hug.

“Zar, stop that right now. You’ve never been any of those things to us; why would you ever say something like that? Your father and I love you and are so very proud of everything you’ve accomplished.”

Dad comes up and joins in on the moment by pulling mom and I into his arms.

Before we know it, the three of us are rocking on the hospital bed in tears. I’ve never heard or seen my dad cry. This is a surreal moment and one that I know is the right time to tell them the truth.

This hidden pain has been ripping me apart long enough.

Now it’s gotten to the point that my social awkwardness is putting my health in danger and family is wallowing in concern.

I try to pull out of my parent’s arms and wipe my tear stained cheeks.

Taking in a deep breath I let it back out and close my eyes for a split second.

This is the moment I’ve been dreading for far too long and now it’s about to really happen.

I don’t know how they’re going to take this or how they will react that I’ve kept it from them for this long.

Now is the time; there’s no turning back. No matter what the outcome is, I will know that I’ve been honest and truthful with them.

At least that much of this burden with be off of my chest for good.

I need to tell them everything, starting with the night it all happened.

I can’t believe I’m about to do this.

To think that I’ve kept it all to myself for this long and now I’m sharing my fear and insecurities with other people.

I wait while dad goes out to get Loudon, I need him to be here and hear all of this first hand.

If I’m going to spill out the darkest part of my soul I need him to hear it and hear it from me, too.

It’s the least I can do for him. He’s been there for me so much the past few weeks. He says he wants to help me through the darkness, so now it’s time to see if he can really handle learning and dealing with the pain I’ve felt for five years.

Mom walks over to me and sits down on the corner of the bed.

“You know that my heart is racing right now. I have no clue what I’m about to hear from you Zar, but I will tell you that it has my stomach in knots.”

I grab for her hand and stare in her eyes.

She looks tired and stressed, but I can still see the love that she has for me. I hate myself for putting her through this. How could I have been so selfish for all of these years? I never thought about how this could impact my loved ones and those around me.

All I wanted to do was hide and keep the pain to myself.

“I’m so sorry mom. I wish…ugh I don’t know what I wish, but I hope that you’ll still see me as the Zar you know and love. The worst part of this whole ordeal is that I’m so scared of how you will judge me once you know the truth.”

The door to my room opens and dad walks in; Loudon follows him.

A smile instantly comes to my face and my heart skips a beat; he does this to me.

I can’t explain how good it feels to have him in this room with me.

Even though he doesn’t know the worst of what’s happened, he still made a point to say he wanted to be here for me and try and help me get through whatever is hurting me.

Dad moves to the far side of the room to grab some chairs, but I stop him before he picks them up.

“Dad, wait,” I say.

All three of them look in my direction and I feel like a huge spotlight is facing me.

“I have some pretty intense stuff to tell you guys and I’d rather if you were close. Don’t pull up the chairs.”

I pat the covers by the end of the bed and gesture for them to sit up here next to me. I sit Indian style so that there’s more room and they all take a seat up on the bed surrounding me.

Mom was the first to come over and sits at the bottom left corner of the bed, dad scoots in next to her on the right side and Loudon comes up next to me.

I smile, thinking how silly the four of us must look, but I need them to be close to me for me to be able to do this.

Loudon rests back against the pillows at the top of the bed and swings his left arm around the back of my waist.

Feeling his presence makes me so much calmer than I thought I’d be.

I take in a breath and brush a few strands of hair from my face.

“I know what I’m about to say is going to be hard to hear. In fact, at times I’m not sure how I’ll be able to explain some of the things I’ve gone through, but please just hear me out,” I let out a heavy sigh; I’m nervous, scared and worried what they will all think.

“Zar, we love you and whatever you have to tell us is going to be fine. Nothing is going to change that we are here for you now and everyday moving forward,” mom says, grabbing my hand and rubbing it in her own.

I look at my mom, the woman who has shown me nothing but love since the first day I can remember.  

My dad is staring back at me intently, waiting to hear the news that I’m so scared will break his heart.

I glance over at Loudon. He’s not smiling or frowning back at me. Instead he’s intently watching me with those bright green eyes, waiting to catch me when I fall.

These three people mean so much to me and I know, more than ever, that I need to count on them to help me get through this today and each day ahead.

“Okay, well here goes nothing,” I tell them.

“This all started a few years ago; in fact, it happened on one of the worst days of my life…the day Nana died.”

I reach for the delicate bracelet on my left wrist and it’s not there. The nurses must have taken it off when they got me dressed and into bed.

I immediately look at mom. She’s chewing her trembling lower lip and tears begin to pool in her eyes. Dad grabs for her hand as a symbol of support and I know that I need to continue.

“I knew leaving her that night was wrong, something just felt weird when I was talking to her. You both know how close I was to her, even though she was my grandmother she was also my friend, my confidant and my biggest cheerleader.”

My hands begin to sweat as I rub them back in forth as I talk.

“Even though she pushed me to go to the game and cheer on Zeke, I felt it in the pit of my stomach that someone should have stayed with her.”

I look toward my mom, “I mentioned it on the way to the game that one of us should have stayed home. I’m grateful that Joanne was close next door if needed, but we all know nothing could have gotten her there soon enough to help Nana. I’m so sorry. I should have stayed home that night. If I had, Nana would never have been alone, she wouldn’t have needed to get up herself and she wouldn’t have fallen,” a simple sob comes through my lips.