Past Heaven (16 page)

“I came up here to say goodnight, but then I saw you with Hayden. I know this is hard for you, so I’m asking.” His voice was ragged and husky. “I need to hold you for a minute. Please?” I shivered and hesitated. My head said no and my legs wanted to back away, but my heart. My heart saw his heart. In that split second every fear, worry, and doubt dissipated. I nodded as I looked up at him. I didn’t know how I was able to give my permission, but I did. He needed me at that moment. I couldn’t tell him no. I couldn’t pull away.

He held me so hard against his chest I could feel the defined muscles under his shirt. I had the ridiculous compulsion to put my hands under his shirt and feel if they were actually as cut and hard as I imagined. Instead, I forced my arms to stay at my sides and balled up my fists. My pulse raced as I smelled his masculine scent. He released me for a moment, and then he grabbed my arms and pulled them around his back. I stood, awkwardly hugging him, not sure what to do. I rested my cheek on his chest and heard his strong heartbeat. We stayed that way in silence for a few minutes.

“You may not understand this…hell, I’m not sure I understand this. But I just needed to hold you.” His words were very innocent, but the look in his eyes made me dizzy and my knees buckle.

“What are you doing, Reynolds?” I whispered, still pressed to his chest. My stomach was rolling as my nerves increased.

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I feel so much right now….I…..” He broke off and sounded as confused as I felt.

I looked up at his face, and I didn’t see the Hollywood superstar. I just saw him. I somehow managed to shake my head. “We need to focus on this screenplay. Finishing this screenplay is all we need to be thinking about.” I said we, but I meant him. We were both floundering in life. We were both trying to find a new path, a new way to live. This was not a time to cross any lines. I sure as hell wasn’t able to, and even if he thought he was, he’d be wrong. We needed to put all of the energy we had into the one thing that mattered right now—spreading Jack’s message and honoring Joy. Nothing else. It would be too much.

Too soon.

Too scary.

“Right.” He clenched his eyes shut and nodded. I watched his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. Then he opened his eyes and drew his fingers down my cheek. “Right, focus.” Reynolds kissed the top of my head and pulled away. We walked downstairs, and he left with a reticent goodbye.

As soon as Griffin and Grayson were in bed I crawled under my covers and called Cindy.

“This better be good. Keith was starting to woo me.” Cindy laughed and Keith groaned in the background.

“Don’t answer your phone when you’re about to get some. Jeez, Cind. Keith will hate me forever,” I teased.

“He can wait a minute. I need to hear how he liked your chicken parm and if you got your flirt on?”

In my pause, I heard the sound of a sports show coming from Cindy’s bedroom.
Poor Keith
. “I didn’t flirt, but he did hug me.”

“What?” Cindy screeched, and the sound of the television became louder through the phone.

“He hugged me. He asked first, and I nodded yes.”

“How did it feel?” Cindy asked, her voice softer.

Closing my eyes, I remembered the feeling of Reynolds arms wrapped around me. “It’s hard to admit, but it felt good. I felt safe. But that’s ridiculous. It was a hug. It meant nothing.”

“Hey, it’s okay to like a hug. You’re very much alive and it’s perfectly normal to enjoy being held by a sexy man.” Cindy paused and took a deep breath. “Since Jack died, your life has been about taking care of everyone else. Your happiness hasn’t been a factor, and it needs to be. You deserve to feel happy, Liz.”

My liking that hug was about nothing but my crush on a hunky actor surfacing. It felt nice to be noticed by a man as something more than a soccer mom. But the fact remained that he was here for one reason. To write a screenplay.

When he left, I couldn’t allow him to take any of my happiness with him. I didn’t have enough left for that.

GETTING INTO MY SUV, I pulled out of her neighborhood and then pressed down on the accelerator, forcing the engine to rev as I sped home. I slammed my fist into the steering wheel. I had ruined everything with Liz. What was I thinking hugging her? She was out of her comfort zone, and the idiot that I was wrapped her arms around me. I gripped the wheel, berating myself. Every time I squeezed her hand, put an arm around her, or if touched, her entire body stiffened like a rod. I had watched her with her boys and how she showered them with physical love and affection. Her issue was either men in general or it was me.

I was sure she had heard of my reputation with women. The tabloids loved to detail the plethora of young actresses I would “date” for brief periods. Skin-clad on the beach. Out at the newest nightclub. I had been living every bachelor’s fantasy and loving every second of it. But I never thought how I might look to someone outside of Hollywood. Did she think I was hitting on her? I might have been an asshole, but I was no fool. She was still grieving. I only wanted to be her friend. I didn’t know what came over me when I needed to hold her. I just did. I swear I wasn’t making a move.
Shit
.

I think
.

I was a dick for making her feel uncomfortable, but I couldn’t seem to stop trying to touch her in small ways. I was used to women pawing at me all the time and dying for me to touch them, but she wasn’t like that. Damn, she was different.

I slowed down as I approached the farmhouse. The night was pitch black outside, with few streetlights and the lamps from inside homes, the only illumination. Pulling into the gravel driveway, the tires crunched as I drove even slower. I paused, looking at the horse barn and the white picket fences that framed the entire farm. Opening my door, I got out and stopped and listened to the crickets chirping loudly. This place filled me with a peace that I had never found in the city. Regardless, when this project was over, I would be going back to California. I had wanted a fresh start, but I wasn’t kidding myself. I didn’t want a complete life reversal. I wasn’t looking to start anything with Liz. She was beautiful, in the most natural, alluring way I had ever experienced, but she was a grieving widow. And a mom. Who lived in the suburbs. And drove a minivan covered in crumbs. We weren’t what I’d call “compatible.” Still I felt a connection with her, and while I was here, I was going to try and learn as much as I could about myself and her. At the end of the day, I could only hope we’d both leave this partnership stronger and better people.

“Good morning!” I hopped out of the Rover and walked over to Liz’s minivan.

She jumped and turned around, an expression of shock across her face. “Reynolds! What are you doing here?”

“What?”
Crap
. That little bugger didn’t tell her? I shoved my hands into my front pockets and looked at Grayson.

He smiled and shrugged. “Oops. Sorry, Mom. I think I forgot to tell you. I invited Reynolds to come to my game. After I kicked his tail in soccer this week, I thought he might like to see how the game is supposed to be played.”

Liz’s jaw dropped. “You invited Reynolds to your game and didn’t tell me?”

“Right. That’s an oops. My bad.” Grayson walked over and hugged his mom. “You forgive me, right?”

Liz blew out a breath and straightened her back. She plastered a smile on her face before hugging her son. “Of course.” She turned to me. “Welcome to Hydes Field, Reynolds. It’s a zoo.”

Zoo was an understatement. Soccer fields, marked off by white spray paint, were everywhere. Little kids, big kids, and parents sat in portable chairs on the sidelines.

“Whoa.” Crowds like this made me nervous. I wore a baseball cap and shades, but had left my security team at home. It was a suburban soccer field. How bad could it get?

“Whoa is right. Last week two parents duked it out after the one o’clock game.” Liz motioned to a man arguing with a referee, profanity flying through the air, at nine o’clock on a Saturday morning.

Right. It could get bad. “Is it okay with you if I watch Grayson’s game?”

“Hey Mom!” Griffin came running up from across from the parking lot with three Gatorades. “Here you go.” He handed his mom the drinks and saw me. The smile fell from his face and he narrowed his eyes. “What is he doing here?”

Griffin was leery whenever I was around his family. I wanted to shake his hand for that. His protective reaction was what any dad would want from his son, but I was not his dad and couldn’t tell him that. Still my respect for him continued to grow.

“Grayson invited Reynolds to his game,” Liz said, unloading the van as Griffin glared at me before jogging off with Grayson.

“Grayson has a game at the same time that Hayden has clinic. Would you like to go back and forth with me? Griff will stay at Grayson’s game the whole time to cheer him on.” I nodded, and we walked through the dew-covered grass toward the field where Grayson was warming up. I kept my head ducked low, afraid of being recognized. Liz stopped at the bleachers and looked up at me. “You don’t need to be here. I’m sure you have better things to do with your Saturday.” Her arms were crossed over her chest, and her voice was wary.

“If it’s okay with you and the boys I’d like to be here. I’m caught up on my emails and phone calls, and I can’t write anymore without you, so I have a free weekend. I don’t know a soul in Baltimore, and I’d like to experience this area. I’d like to see what you all do for fun.” I smiled and Liz uncrossed her arms.

“Welcome to my world.” We laughed and climbed the bleachers as Grayson’s game began.

Grayson played goalie and did a stellar job. He blocked goals and seemed to love diving through the air, no matter what the cost. He was aggressive and athletic without caring that he might get hurt. Liz, however, did care. She spent much of that time with her hand partially covering her eyes.

Right before half time, Liz ran over to watch Hayden in clinic. Moms and dads screamed on the sidelines at Grayson’s game, and I was pretty sure I didn’t fit in with them. I wasn’t sure how I felt about kids in general, but Liz’s kids were different. I couldn’t explain it. They just were. I lowered my sunglasses as I searched the field and spotted Liz cheering on Hayden. I had no idea how she made juggling each boy’s schedule look so easy when it clearly wasn’t. She glanced over and our eyes met. She smiled, dipping her eyes away as she waved me over. I couldn’t help the smile that spread on my face.
Damn.