Part of Me (Jessa & Paxton #1) (24 page)

This morning has been total chaos. I’ve never felt so much pain and anger in my entire life as I felt before ten A.M. this morning. The main cause of my pain is sitting next to me in my car. I’m doing my best to ignore her, but that ain’t really possible.

When I woke with my hand in her hair and hers up my shirt, fingers running over m
y skin, it was amazing. For about a tenth of a second before reality came crashing down on my groggy brain. She was back in my arms, but I had already made my decision and after Julia came stepping back into my life, I knew it was the right one. I knew I had to get Jessa out of my space ASAP. When she told me that she loved me, that I was her first love and she now knew that it was okay to let herself have that, I couldn’t stop the spark of hope that lit inside of me. But it’s too late for all that shit, I know that.

I dug down deep and gathered all my bitterness and
common sense and told her I was leaving. Which I was. Which I will be doing. But every second I spend near her is making that fact harder to accept. The half hour I had in that apartment with her made it crystal fucking clear that she’s my girl. She will always be my girl. It’s all a damn shame. And then she broke out the water works, which I’m accepting is my Achilles heel, and now she’s still here, in my space, about to walk into my very own, made especially for me, hell.

I should be thinking about how I’m going to salvage this situation for Gabriel, and not about J
essa, but clearly, I’m not right in the head.

The
streets turn ideal and the houses turn gigantic and my stomach turns with nausea. It was one thing to come back to Chicago, but coming back to Glencoe… I never thought I would have to be here again. I pull up the long, brick driveway and my knuckles turn white.

“This is where you grew up?” Jessa asks, peering out the
front window at the mansion laid out in front of us.

“Home sweet home,” I tell her bitterly. I throw the car into park and open my door. Jessa does the same and I don’t even bother telling
her to stay put. My mind is now focused and I can’t worry about if Jessa is on my tail or not.

I get to the front door and ring the bell. Jessa is shifting on her feet beside me, but I’m back in Dixon mode – shut down completely.

The door opens and Jackson is standing in front of me. He gives me a look of disgust before yelling, “Mom, door’s for you,” and walking away.

Jessa has made her
way to my arm now, clinging to me with fear – which is completely warranted… this is a scary place to be. I step into the house and close the door behind us.

“Coming, sweetheart,” Rachel calls to Jackson, before appearing in the foyer. She sees me and a wicked grin passes over her face. Her gaze turns to Jessa and she looks her up and down, making no effort to mask her
judgment. “Please don’t tell me this is what you put your allowance on the line for.”

I feel Jessa f
linch at Rachel’s insult and I wrap my hand around her waist, needing to keep her close to me. “Don’t talk about her,” I tell Rachel, taking a step closer to her.

“I’m assuming you came here to grovel. You might want to lose the attitude.”

I hear Jessa’s huff of breath and I try to ignore it. No one in Chicago knows about this past and it’s uncomfortable having Jessa here to witness it. “Listen, Rachel, I don’t want your money, I don’t want anything from you and you don’t want anything from me, so I need you to let it go so that we can get out of each other’s lives for good this time.”

She stares at me for a moment, her sadistic mind spinning
its wheels. “We were just about to sit down for lunch. Why don’t you and your friend join us?”

“No thanks,” I tell her.
The dining room was never somewhere I was allowed to eat and if she’s inviting me in there now, it’s not for a meal.

“
If you want to protect your worthless father, then you will come to the dining room so we can talk about what needs to happen next,” she tells me, her expression becoming down right evil.

Jessa moves her hand to mine
, which is still holding onto her waist, and digs her nails in, taking a step toward Rachel. She’s pissed and ready for a fight. She has no idea what she’s walking into, but I go with her.

Rachel leads us to the formal dining room and tells us where to sit. Jessa’s hand is no
w clamped tightly to my thigh under the table.

Manuel, Rachel’s chef, comes through the door. His
face lights up when he sees me but turns stern again as he looks at Rachel. “Tell the kids it’s time for lunch,” she snaps at him. He nods and finishes setting down the glasses of water before leaving the room.

“Introduce me to your friend, Paxton,” Rachel says, her voice dripping with sweetness.

“I’m Jessa,” she says. “I met Paxton in River Bluff- the town you grew up in? I know your brother pretty well. He’s got all kinds of great stories about you,” she says, cheerily, throwing a sweet laugh in for effect. “I’m glad to finally meet the infamous Rachel Reil in the flesh.”

I’ve never said jack shit to Jessa about my
mom, but obviously she does know my uncle, not that he ever said a whole hell of a lot about Rachel, but Jessa knows exactly what she’s doing, I realize, as I watch my mom’s neck become flushed. “I thought you looked a little backwoods bred,” she says to Jessa. “I always knew Paxton would be more comfortable in that blue-collar world. He never fit in here.”

“
Well, I don’t know if I would say he fit in in River Bluff, I mean, we were all a little in awe when he showed up. We’ve never had anyone from California even visit, much less come there to live. I mean, you obviously know,” Jessa says, playing dumb, laying it on thick for effect. She’s getting to Rachel – her lips are pursed tightly together. “But, yeah, I can’t really see him fitting in here either–it seems pretty sheltered in this town. And I met your stepdaughter - she was like a fish out of water in the city. I can’t imagine Paxton living in a place like this. In Chicago everyone knows who he is – he’s like a celebrity. You must be so proud of him. Sorry that was silly - obviously you’re proud of him, I mean, you’re his mother. You obviously know how special he is. I can just imagine how you brag to your suburbanite friends about what a huge success Paxton became in the big city of Chicago.” Again, a total fucking stretch and Jessa is talking out of her ass, but apparently she’s gleamed an understanding of how things in that city used to be for me. Rachel doesn’t even know I play the guitar, she sure as shit doesn’t know anything about Polly or the success we had.

“You seem completely in awe of him,” Rachel sneers. “That is so sweet. I always hoped Paxton could find someone who could overlook his social awkwardness and his alcohol and drug abuse. When he tried
to kill himself over that girl I figured no one would want him. I’m glad he managed to pull you out of that hick town because he would have never found someone in a town like Glencoe.”

“Rachel, don’t tell her lies,” I mutter.

“Sorry darling,” she says to me before turning back to Jessa and shielding her mouth like she’s telling a secret. “Paxton likes to call it an overdose, it makes him feel better.”

“I can’t imagine what would have driven him to overdose on drugs, it seems
like he has such a loving, supportive family. You seem like a really great mother who would have taken the time to raise him right. That must have been hard for you to see him in so much pain,” Jessa says with a combination of hate and sadness in her voice.

Jackson and Julia walk into the dining room then and Jessa’s hand clamps down harder onto my thigh.

“Is this the girl you were with last night?” Julia asks. “I thought you were just gutter diving, looking for some guaranteed action, but Jesus… is she your girlfriend?”

My whole body is vibrating with anger. I’ve accomplished not
hing here outside of exposing Jessa to insults. I stare at her with the worst kind of hate in my eyes.

“I don’t think
you are in any kind of position to judge me,” Jess sneers, letting go of the sweet, ignorant act she was putting on for Rachel. “You are just a child who gets off on tattling on the son of your stepmother. What did you call him last night? A waste of space? I’m curious… what are you doing that is so worthy of the space you’re taking up?”

“Oh my god, put your Lee press on nails back in the box,” Julia tells her
, which causes Rachel to snicker and Jackson to full on laugh like a hyena.

“I’ll take that as a nothing,” Jessa tells her. “I’m guessing you have done absolutely nothing with your life besides spend your
daddy’s money.” Jessa says and it’s the absolute fucking truth.

This situation is running off the rails though and I’m here for a reason. I turn to Rachel and tell her, “I know you
have a plan, so tell me what it is. Tell me what I have to do to keep your ass off Gabriel so we can finally cut ties for good.”

“I don’t understand it Paxton – why you are always defending that dirty Mexican. All he’s ever done for you is show you how to be a loser and an addict. But here you are, walking into a house where you know damn well you are not wanted, trying to talk your way out of this situation he got you in. You have always been just as weak and desperate as he has. Maybe it’s time for you worthless Alvarados to learn to support yourselves and stop leaching off of us. I’m done enabling both of you. I’m meeting with the lawyers this afternoon.”

I hear Jessa’s shocked intake of breath, but at this point in my life, I’m immune to Rachel’s cruel words.
“Why can’t you just get over him, huh? Shit, Rachel, it’s been fifteen years. You think you would be willing to let him go by now. I mean, Jesus, you used me to hold onto a piece of him and now that I’m finally gone you’re going to…what? Hold the fact that I sold your husband’s car over his head, just so you can keep one fucking foot in his life? It’s sad, Rachel. You ruined my life and yours all because you couldn’t handle the fact that a ‘dirty Mexican’ didn’t fucking want you. Hell… maybe that’s the only reason I’m here – you probably got yourself knocked up just so he would be stuck with you…” I’m ranting, not thinking about the words I’m saying, barely even comprehending them, but when I see Rachel’s eyes widen for a moment, before flickering to her husband’s children, I know it’s because I’m onto something. Did I just bust her? Did she really just get pregnant so that Gabriel would be tied to her, “Oh, shit,” I laugh, even though this isn’t funny. But it is shocking. “Jesus, Rachel. Are you fucking serious? God, it makes so much sense now. I mean, it was bad enough knowing that my only purpose in your life was to be the weapon you would torture him with for not loving you… not wanting you. But, damn, part of me believed all that bullshit you fed me – that you were actually on your way to becoming someone, to making it as an actress, and that you hated me because I took that away from you and because I had his Hispanic blood running through my veins. But, shit, that wasn’t it at all, was it? You fucking hate me because you had me so he would love you. But he didn’t. Even though you were the mother of his son, he never loved you. But he loved me. He’s always fucking loved me. He wanted me and he never wanted you. And you couldn’t fucking handle that.”

Rachel forces out a contrived laugh. “That’s amusing, Paxton,” sh
e says coolly, but her expression betrays her tone. Her eyes are full of panic and her mouth is puckered so tight, there are actual wrinkles around it – something I’ve never seen on her face.

Jessa lets out a laugh of disbelief which alerts me to the fact that we are not alone in the room. I turn my eyes to Jackson and Julia who are dead silent – not their usual state. “And these two fucking kids…” I shake my head, looking back at Rachel as
everything starts to become clear under my new found perception. “God damn it, I knew they were nothing more than accessories to you – the well bread children that coordinated with your cookie cutter life, but, shit, it wasn’t the neighbors you were trying to impress… it was Gabriel. What the hell did you think was gonna happen? He was going to see you with your brand new shiny family and get jealous…? Want you back?”

She lets out another bullshit laugh
, rolls her eyes and shakes her head, but she’s speechless. Rachel is never speechless and I know that the reason for her condition now is because she’s too shocked to come up with the bullshit that she can usually pull out of her ass to cover up the truth about who she is.

“I hate to break it to you,
mother
but he stopped giving a shit about you well before you walked out of his house. All you are to him is the piece of shit he’s gotta send me to when summers over and the bitch that’s been supporting his ass while he parties and has a good time with his women. He don’t even say your name. Do you realize that? Not once, in my entire life, has he ever let you have the title of my
madre.
So go right the fuck ahead and claim these two
mamons.
None of this shit is ever gonna get you the only thing you’ve ever wanted – to belong to Gabriel. To be a fucking Alvarado.”

When I finally shut up, the room is dead silent. I feel like a weigh has been dropped out of my body. I mean, shit, Gabriel and I are still fucked, but I’m completely out from under them. Now that I understand,
and now that she knows I understand, she has no hold on me.