Part of Me (Jessa & Paxton #1) (20 page)

I open the shower door and step in with Jessa following. I take the shower head off the hook and run it over her hair. “Hold this,” I tell her, handing it off so I can grab the shampoo.

She aims the warm water at my chest and closes her eyes while I lather
up her hair. “Umm, that feels good,” she says, letting out a relaxed breath.

I bend down and kiss
her lips. “Did I fail to mention I give kick ass massages?” I tell her, taking the sprayer and rinsing her hair.

“Just when I thought you couldn’t get any more perfect…” she muses with sarcasm.

“Trust me kid, the best is yet to come.”

She opens her eyes and grabs the bar of soap, scrubbing whatever is still clinging to my neck, before working her way down my body. When she’s done she hands it off to me and I get her cleaned up.

We get out and I dry her with the towel before wrapping it around my waist and following her naked ass to our room.

“Don’t bother with the clothes,” I tell her as we walk through the door.

“I wasn’t planning on it,” she says, climbing into the bed.

I’m right behind her. I get myself situated then tell her, “On top of me.”

“Can you ask me nicely?” she says bitingly.

“Can you please lay your naked ass on top of me?”

She climbs on top of me. I’m expecting a snide comment, but she just smiles at me. She’s been quiet since we got home. She also didn’t try to get anything in during our shower session. I think she knows what’s about to go down and either she doesn’t want to say anything to fuck it up, or she’s inside her head thinking too damn much about it.

I’m trying not to do that. Trying not to think about it. I figure I’ve fallen about as far as I can for this girl and having sex with her isn’t going to make me fall much further. As far as what thoughts are running through Jessa’s head… I don’t know. I want to
believe that her feelings for me are just as intense as my feelings for her but she’s always so cool and collected, no matter what. She’s feisty as hell and argumentative about the little shit, but when it comes down to the things that should make her bawl like a baby or scream like a lunatic or burst with happiness… she doesn’t do those things. So I don’t know how she’s feeling about us. How she’s feeling about having sex with me. I would give anything for this to mean something to her. But I don’t know if it does.

She leans down and kisses me. Her lips are warm and pliable and I let myself taste every inch of her mouth before turning over and
settling her under me. I stare into her eyes and let my fingers wander between her legs. “Are we gonna do this, beso?” I ask, slipping my fingers inside of her. Her body is clearly ready, but I see the hesitation on her face.

“I want you inside of me, Paxton. I want to know what that feels like.”

“You gonna be okay after it’s done?”

She stutters a laugh. “If it’s as fantastic as you keep telling me it’s gonna be, I’m sure I’ll be just fine.”

“You know what I mean, kid.”

She sucks her bottom lip into her teeth, which means she’s hesitating. “
Yeah, Pax. I think we’re going to be fine.”

I
suck in a hard breath. That right there is all I’m going to get from her, but it’s enough. It’s enough to know that sex between us means something. That it’s going to bring us somewhere else. It’s going to attach us in one more way. And the look in her eyes tells me she realizes that.

I lean in and work her mo
uth over for a while, letting the hand that is not propping me up wander around her body, touching her in all the places that I know she likes to be touched. When I feel like she’s completely relaxed and lost in our bodies I open my bedside drawer and blindly fish out a condom. I sit up between her thighs to tear it open and roll it over my cock. Jessa’s watching me closely.

When I have it on I go back to kissing and touching her. She has her legs hitched around my back
and has positioned herself so that my head is at her entrance. When her fingers start clawing at my skull I let myself slowly sink into her. She sucks in a hard breath before letting it back out in a moan of relief.

I have to pull out of her mouth
because, an inch into her, my body wants to go limp and I need to breathe. My eyes meet hers and she stares, as if in shock, before a smile slowly creeps over her mouth and she lets out a breathy laugh. “Oh my god,” she tells me. I’m barely inside of her, I’m not even moving. But I fucking get it. Ever since that first night I met her we’ve been wanting this. Waiting for it. And we are finally doing it.

I smile back at her before pushing all the way into her warm, wet flesh. “Fuck,” I mutter, having to stop again to pull my shit together. “Those promises I made you, beso?”

“Yeah,” she breathes looking euphoric.

“They might have to wait
‘til round two. I’m losing it already.”

“This is more than enough, Pax. If this was all I ever got from you, it would be more than enough.”

God, I fucking love this girl. I try to control my overwhelming desire to let go before moving myself in and out of her with slow, deliberate thrusts – the only kind I can manage right now. She seems good with it though. I can feel her muscles clamping down on me. I wish I wasn’t wearing this fucking condom though. I can’t tell how wet she is.

When I can manage it I sit up and grab
onto her hips, tilting them and leaning into them so that I can grind her properly – something she’s never felt. That fact is the only thing keeping me from losing it completely. I want to watch her face when she comes apart with nothing inside of her but my dick. I move myself in and out of her in a deep circular motion, while focusing on her face.

“Oh my god, Pax,” she says with sheer awe in her voice. “Oh my god.”

I push harder, grabbing too tight to her hips, just trying to keep myself together. She’s so fucking close. Her contractions are coming harder, her hands are fisting the sheets, the sounds coming out of her mouth are becoming louder and more erratic, her cheeks are flushed and her eyes are closed tightly. But then they flutter open. I can tell it’s an effort – keeping her eyes open. But she’s doing it because she wants to look at me. The words
I love you
are running through my head on a loop, but I know that if I say them now, while I’m buried inside of her, she will know exactly what I mean. And she will bolt. I keep my eyes locked on hers and put more pressure on her sensitive insides. The sounds coming from her mouth are guttural and I know she’s close. “Let it go, beso, I’m gonna lose it,” I rasp at her.

She does then. Her eyes roll to the back of her head and a long, deep moan rises out of her belly. Her insides tighten around me and I
can’t hold on any longer. I release the pressure inside of me completely when I know that she has come. And god damn it, it’s the most surreal thing I have ever felt. And right then, in that moment, I know that all of my fears were legitimate – there is no coming back from this. There is gonna be nothing unless I can have everything from this girl.

“I never get you alone anymore.
I swear to God, when I was rooting for the two of you to get it on, I didn’t think it would be this bad. How many classes have you missed in the last three weeks?” Vi asks, flipping hangers across a bar in the trendy little boutique across from her salon.

“It’s bad
, Vi. It’s really, really bad. I’m going to have to drop out if things don’t simmer down pretty soon.” Things with Pax are perfect. Too perfect. So perfect that I can’t get myself to care about anything but being with him. Which isn’t a problem for him since he’s got absolutely no responsibilities besides having to stay under the radar, but I’m letting everything slip. If I’m with Paxton there is nothing that can drag me away from him.

It’s awesome. But it’s terrifying. I’ve always loved him which was completely different than falling in love with him. I just keep telling myself that my feelings are just growing stronger. That they don’t mean anything
except that Pax is the very best friend that has ever existed.
Ever
. I tell myself I can live without him. That even if he leaves me completely or I have to leave him, I will be fine. I will be able to find a guy to replace him and we will go back to being friends.

But Paxton has set the bar so damn high in
every way, I can’t imagine ever finding a guy that even comes close to him. Everything that I loved about our friendship is alive and well and healthier than ever – our late night talks, his ability to make the shittiest things fun, his playfulness and the ease and comfort and stability I have when I’m with him. And then there’s this new component. The one that is better than everything else combined. The physical us that seems so streamlined and perfect that I know in my heart I will never find it with anyone else again. And then there is just Paxton on his own- his ability to make me crumble without any kind of participation on my end.

Every step I take with him just seems to get better and better.
But when he finally broke down and had sex with me it blew everything else out of the water. Having that boy inside of me not only dispelled everything I ever believed sex could be, but it brought with it something I had never felt before. Something that went way beyond meeting all of my physical desires. It changed something inside of me and I’m terrified to look too hard and figure out what that something is.

Things between Pax and I were bad before we had sex, but now
they just plain pathetic. It is physically painful to be separated from him. Vi’s right, I haven’t seen her, I haven’t gone to any of my classes outside of the necessary ones, I don’t pick up my phone, it’s difficult to remember to feed myself, even.

But tonight Paxton and I are going to have to
figure out how to be normal, social, human beings because we are going to Billy’s apartment to celebrate his twenty-fifth birthday. Hence the shopping excursion.

As I look through the racks
my instinct is to go with something that will show off my legs and a little cleavage, but I’m also conscious of Paxton and find myself worrying making sure the close aren’t so revealing that they’ll piss Paxton off.  I’ve never take any guy’s opinions shopping with me before. Is this normal? Is this how normal girls think? Or am I way too wrapped up in him? Have I turned into one of those girls who can’t make the simplest of decisions without consulting her boyfriend?
Shit.

“So what exactly is
going on between the two of you?” Vi asks me.

“Isn’t it obvious? I mean
, you’re the poor soul who has to live with us.”

“
That’s not what I’m talking about. Are you guys still living under the illusion that you are just screwing each other, or have you made some kind of real commitment to each other,” she asks, pausing from her perusing to look at me.

“We are still completely thriving under the guise of fuck buddies,” I inform her.

Her face drops and she looks sad. “Just don’t break his heart, Jessa,” she tells me.

“
Please, Vi. That’s not possible. Not with Paxton.”

“It’s completely possible. I’ve seen it before and I don’t want to see it again and I
swear to God if you do it, I will want to keep loving you, but I will be forced to hate you.”

I cock my head at her. What the hell is she
talking about? “Some girl broke his heart?”

Vi looks at me and shakes her head.
“A lot of things broke his heart, all at the same time, a girl was just one of the ingredients.”

“Seriously?” I ask
her. I’ve asked Paxton if he’s been in love, if he has ever had a girlfriend. He brushed over it, like he used to do with everything, but of all the things that I guessed Paxton feared about this town, heartbreak from a girl wouldn’t have been one of them. “She must have been quite the girl if she was able to break his heart. I assume that means that she left him and that he wasn’t ready to let her go.” A fit of jealousy explodes in my stomach but I try my best to ignore it. Before Paxton, I don’t think I knew what jealousy meant, at least not where guys were concerned. But with Paxton, merely walking down the street, watching every girl that passes either blatantly or secretively run her eyes over him makes me want to kick their asses. It’s disconcerting.

“Ugh,” Violet mutters. “If what you mean by
‘quite the girl’ is the most vile, heartless, opportunistic bitch that ever lived, then yes, she was quite the girl.” I feel my face go slack. What did this girl do to him? “Jessa, don’t worry about it. I don’t think he ever really loved her. She was just a part of this world he was experiencing for the first time.”

I regain my composure and focus on the clothes
in front of me. “Why would I worry about anyone from Paxton’s past? It’s not like that with us.”

“Jessa,” Vi says, pausing until I look up at her.
“Please stop with that nonsense. You mean way more to him than that and I know he’s more than some guy you’re screwing on a regular basis. If you keep telling yourself that, you are going to end up truly breaking his heart for the first time in his life and you are going to end up losing the best thing you have ever had. I don’t want to see either of those things happen.”

“I’m not going to break his heart, Vi. That’s just the way things are between us.”

She mutters something under her breath and goes back to whipping hangers across the rack.

I do the same thing, trying, pointlessly, to push her words out of my head.
The words that have created a very real image in my imagination. Pax with another girl. Like he is with me.

Billy’s birthday celebration has been an all day ordeal for him and the guys. Vi and I are meeting them at Billy’s place in about an hour. It’s stupid, but I miss Pax. Getting dressed without his eyes on me and his opinions thrown my way makes me miss him. Being in this bedroom without him makes me miss him. Looking at his clothes and his guitar makes me miss him. The thoughts that were forming in my head this afternoon are now solid facts - I’m becoming way too attached to him.

I slip my strapless, mini, black dress on – keeping it conservative for Paxton’s jealousy issues went out the door as soon as Vi started telling me about his ex
-girlfriend. I head to Violet’s room to do my hair and makeup. It’s too depressing in our room without him. And that fact is depressing. I should be completely fine without him. But I’m not.

Vi and her salon experience
put my hair up in a loose up do that manages to look like an over-sexed ponytail. I focus on my eyes when putting on my makeup – lining and smudging and shadowing them until they’re as mysterious and sexy as I can make them. I slip on my heels and look in the mirror thinking I may have overdone it. I know Paxton’s possessive tendencies are going to be off the radar, but I also know that I will be the only girl in the room that he will be looking at.

Violet and I slam a few drinks before the cab show
s up. During the ride to Billy’s my skin and everything underneath it is already buzzing with anticipation at seeing Paxton.

“It’s this one,” Vi tells the cabbie as we pull up to a
brick warehouse. We pool our money to pay the guy, then head into the building.

“I guess I’m staying at Jimmy’s tonight,” Vi tells me on the elevator as w
e head up to the third floor. “Pax is going to be a beast once he finally drags your fine ass home.”

I look at Vi in her funky, yet sexy as hell
, ensemble and tell her, “That apartment is not big enough for two feral beasts.”

Vi opens the door to Billy’s apartment. The place is packed already and I don’t see Pax.
Loud music fills the air and people are jumping around in the living room. Vi grabs my hand as we head into the party. Everyone here seems to know her but I don’t see any familiar faces. She steps around the people flailing in the living room and once we have cleared the bodies I see him. He’s in the enclose patio off of the living room. His long body is stretched out in a chair. Girls surround him, most of them not close enough to make a difference, but I can tell, from their glances and their body language, that they are there because of him. When I look at the girl on the arm of his chair, whose hand Paxton just remove from his bicep, the heat rises in my belly. Paxton could have any woman he wants. Literally. I know that, at the moment, I’m the only one he’s interested in but there are other girls out there. There are girls that he has not had that are fresh and new and exciting. The girl hanging all over him, for instance. She makes another attempt- this time wrapping her fingers around his neck. Paxton is busy talking to Billy who is in a chair across from him, but the anger is clear on his face as he, once again, removes the girl’s hand from him. As Vi and I approach the entrance it’s like he can feel me and his eyes shift to the opening which I haven’t reached yet.

When he sees me
his body tenses. His eyes do a quick sweep of the room before they come back to me. I walk until I’m in front of him. His hands immediately clasp around my lower thighs and his eyes become greedy. He pulls me down onto his lap and the girl on the arm of the chair says, “Excuse me, can you not see that he’s already taken.”

I raise my eyebrows at Paxton, wondering what
he’s going to do about his friend. He pulls his eyes away from me to look at her. She smiles at him like he’s hers but he tells her, “Fuck off.” She retracts but doesn’t give up her prime seat. “Get out of here so I can be with my girl,” he growls at her.

She sears her eyes into me, but finally stands and walks away. “You trying to get me in trouble, beso?” Paxton asks me.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I tell him.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about, don’t play
dumb. I haven’t been with you since this morning and then you show up here looking like this. Why the hell would you do that?”

“Because, Pax
, I haven’t been with you since this morning and when I put this dress on, over my naked body, all I could think of was you. When we get home I want you desperate and needy.”

“
With you, I’m always desperate and needy. No matter which way you showed up here I would be desperate and needy. In fact, as hot as this look is, I like you best in your tattered shorts and your loose tank top with the makeup from the night before smeared under your eyes and your hair a mess because I worked  you over too hard.”

He has moved me on
top of his length and I seriously didn’t wear any undergarments tonight, so my wet flesh is now pushing into the rough fabric of his jeans.

I want to move against him but
I’m loosely aware of my surroundings, so I don’t. “You need to stop talking, Pax. Unless you want this room full of people to know what I sound like when you get me off.”

His fingers dig into my skin and the intensity in his face is borderline violent.
He growls before turning me around and situating me on his lap, holding me tightly in his arms.

I take a deep breath then say, “Happy Birthday,” to
Billy, who I am now facing.

He smirks at me. “Thanks, sweeti
e. I’m glad you’re finally here- you man’s a grumpy bastard when you’re not around.”

I tilt my head so that I can look at Pax. “Grumpy bastard?”

He gives me a tight smile, but doesn’t explain. “What’d you and Vi do all day?”

“Not much… went shopping… talked about your
ex-girlfriend.”

“Oh,
yeah? Sounds fun,” he tells me, his jaw flexing.

“It was enlightening.”

“Vi should keep her fucking mouth shut,” he snarls.

“She was just concerned, Pax. She doesn’t want you getting your heart broken
again.
”

“Are you jealous, kid?”

“No. Just curious,” I lie. “You never told me about her.”

“
Yeah, well your ex told me you aren’t capable of feeling and you are going to destroy me. So I say we don’t worry about our ex’s. They don’t matter.”

I stare at Paxton for a moment before turning my head and settling into his chest. We’re quiet. I’m thinking about what Dylan told him and the fact that
it’s possible to break Pax. I’m wondering if I will ever get to that place where Paxton’s kiss makes me nauseous. It seems impossible, but it happens every time. Could I break him?