Authors: Simi Prasad
Out There
Out There
Out There
First published in 2013 by
Anoma Press Ltd
48 St Vincent Drive, St Albans, Herts, AL1 5SJ UK
[email protected]
www.anomapress.com
Cover design by Michael Inns
Artwork by Karen Gladwell
Printed on acid-free paper from managed forests.
This book is printed on demand to fulfill orders,
so no copies will be remaindered or pulped.
ISBN 978-1-908746-77-1
The rights of Simone Prasad to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright Designs and Patents Act 1988.
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
All rights reserved. No part of this work may be reproduced in any material form (including photocopying or storing in any medium by electronic means and whether or not transiently or incidentally to some other use of this publication) without the written permission of the copyright holder except in accordance with the provisions of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. Applications for the copyright holder's written permission to reproduce any part of this publication should be addressed to the publishers.
This book is available online and in all good bookstores.
Copyright © 2012 Simone Prasad
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Prologue
“Ava!” I yelled up the stairs even though I knew it was in vain; she was still missing. “Where is that girl?”
I rubbed my forehead and wandered into the kitchen. My whole body was exhausted, with fatigue, but also worry. I hadn't had a wink of sleep because I knew that finding Ava was my top priority. I walked over to the sink and poured myself a glass of water.
Inside I was terrified; I knew there weren't many places to go, as our city was only so big with barely five hundred people in it, but I could only imagine that she must have fallen and banged her head and was lying unconscious somewhere. The mere thought almost made me drop my glass.
Pull it together.
I drained my glass and tried to brainstorm all of the possible places Ava could have been. She wasn't at her friends' houses; I had already gone to each one. That was another strange thing: they all said that they hadn't seen Ava outside school in weeks, and they used to spend every minute together. As soon as the bell rang, they said, she would be gone, as if she dropped off the face of the earth. At least she was attending.
I checked the clock: 2:20 a.m. I sighed, knowing that I had to leave for work soon, but couldn't because I had to wait for Ava to come home safely. The best thing to do was wait, she would return soon enough, and if not then I would know something was wrong. So, I busied myself organising the kitchen once, twice, and even then I wasn't happy with it.
I rearranged the closet and made sure the living room was neat before going upstairs and into my bathroom. After cleaning it thoroughly, I caught the reflection of myself in the mirror and sighed. It was unbearably obvious that I hadn't had any sleep or peace of mind. So, I took to freshening up; I washed my face three times and combed through the tangles in my hair. I thought back to the days when I put on make-up every morning and had to remind myself that those days didn't exist any more. Sometimes I wished they did.
I used to live in a time where the world was limitless and people came from all over. But my world was destroyed, and so were all the little pieces of it. I waved goodbye to trivial things like make-up and mobile phones. Not to mention something far more important.
Traces of daylight were filtering in, so I went downstairs to the kitchen to prepare breakfast, when I realised my hunger had been consumed by my worry. So instead I just sat at the counter and waited.
And in my wait, my mind wandered to other places. Often I thought about my life and what I had become: a woman with greying hair with a daughter slipping through her fingers. It was only months ago that Ava was the closest person in the world to me. Of course, it was obvious what had pulled us apart.
Then I heard something. It was the door opening.
Please be her.
I sat up straighter and waited.
She walked into the kitchen and I was so relieved to see her breathing with blood pumping through her veins that I almost leapt out of my seat and held her in my arms telling her that I loved her. But then I saw the cheesy, smiley and completely carefree expression on her face and I snapped. She had no idea that I hadn't slept or eaten or done anything but worry about her and she just waltzed in like everything was going to be OK.
My expression fixed into an icy glare and her face fell. “Welcome back Ava,” was all that came out of my taut lips.
“M-mother why are you up so early?” She looked like a deer caught in the headlights.
“This is the time I normally leave, Ava. But, truth be told, I have actually been up since four a.m. yesterday.” Yet at that moment I didn't feel tired. “Do you know why?”
“I can't imagine.” She was holding something back and it was so obvious.
“Well, I came home from work yesterday, early in fact, and my daughter was nowhere to be found.”
“I stayed over at Lexi's house. I'm sorry I forgot to tell you.” I stared at her, waiting for her to tell me the truth. No such luck.
“Oh well, that makes sense,” I continued. “I did actually personally visit the O'Connell's and the Samuels' and the Naumann's homes at one this morning after my daughter never turned up.”
I saw her gulp. And I so badly wanted to run over and hold her close. But, I couldn't.
“You want to know what every single one of those girls told me?” I just kept pushing. “They said that they haven't seen you in weeks, except for school, and even then you're in your own world. Just what world exactly is that, Ava?”
She just stood there with no comprehension of how worried I was.
“What world is it?!”
“I've just had a lot on my mind.”
I sighed and walked over to her. “Ava, you need to rest. Your surgery is days away.” I began to stress the importance of her being rested so that the surgery would run smoothly, when she interrupted, “What, do you want me to sit in my room all day?”
Why was she raising her voice?
I tried to reason with her, but she just exploded, yelling at me about complete nonsense. She went off on a tangent about how I was never there for her, when I specifically remembered her acknowledging that I would be very busy if I got my new job. I pointed out that I was there for her and she knew I was, yet she still continued to stress that I wasn't. Was she making excuses to hide the fact that she was gone all night?
“Why don't you tell everyone the truth about men, huh?” she yelled out of nowhere.
“The what?!”
“They did more than oppress and hate and destroy and you know it!”
I stared at her like she'd lost her mind. “Where did you get such horrific ideas? Men were evil and nothing less!” It was of the utmost importance that she understood that, otherwise the consequences would have been disastrous. Nothing good came of men. That's why they all died out.
“What's your proof?!”
I couldn't believe she was still on that. “Look around you! Our world was almost destroyed because all men wanted was power and money and land.”
“That's a lie! Stop lying to me! I am much older and smarter than you think and I know that men were more than that â some were, but not all.”
Of course I knew she was mature, but some things were just better kept hidden. Ava's utter curiosity and strong-mindedness about everything always made it so much harder to get anything through to her. I knew that of all the girls her age, she would be the one that would never understand.
Then she pulled something out of her pocket and shoved it in my face. I knew exactly what it was.
I snatched it from her, completely speechless. Holding it in my hands caused a wave of sadness and regret to flood through my body, washing away all the barriers that I had built up to withstand the raging storm I had battled so many years ago. For a moment I thought I would crumble under the memories, but instead something inside me snapped.
“HOW DARE YOU! How dare you jump to conclusions! And go through my private things!” She had no idea what it was like; she had no right to judge me. Ava hadn't even the tiniest image of the sacrifices I made for her. Her behaviour was appalling. “And how dare you try to justify men when they almost cost you everything! Brave women fought for you to be alive and this is how you repay them!”
Her disrespect towards her liberators, who fought and fought to achieve survival during The Great Wars of the X Years, was shameful. It made me shudder and I thought back to how terrifying it was to be alive during the Wars. Everyone turning on each other, people fleeing to any sanctuary possible, and leaving nothing for anyone else. She had no idea how fortunate she was that several women joined together in the Movement and created our city. The last city. Otherwise we would all have been dead too.
“And what about Katelyn, Mother? Did you lie about her too?!”
Then I realised why she was so upset. I tried to comfort her, but she went off again about Katelyn and started yelling that it was my fault. If only I could tell her the truth. I wanted to protect Ava so badly, but I couldn't make exceptions for her because she was my daughter. I felt so torn, and she had no idea what I was going through.
“I don't want to have the surgery.” I almost missed her say it.
“You what?”
“I'm not going to do it.”
Then the yelling started again. She threw crazy statements at me about how I didn't see the real her or hear what she was saying. If only she knew that all I wanted was to keep her safe, even if it meant distancing myself. She could never know all that I knew; it was too much for her to understand.
Then she said the one thing that a mother should never have to hear her daughter say, “You don't love me! You love what you want me to be!”
I was stung. “Ava, of course I love you.”
“How can I believe you again when all you do is lie?!”
I tried to show her that I cared, but she wouldn't stop for a minute to let me speak. Finally I had enough and even though grounding didn't exist any more either, I did it anyway.
“You, young lady, are not leaving this house, do you hear me? I will walk you to school and pick you up afterwards, apart from that you remain here. End of discussion.”
“Oh, but this is not the end of the discussion.”
She flew up the stairs in a rage and I ran after her, about to apologise, when she whipped round and said, “You know what?” Her eyes were full of hatred. “I blame you.” Then without another word she vanished into her room and slammed the door.
I stood there shocked. Slowly I walked up the stairs myself. Suddenly all my emotions welled up and I felt so awful for keeping the truth from her. But she couldn't know about my sacrifices, for Ava wouldn't ever see them my way. She'd never understand as much as she believed she would.
I stumbled into my room as all these heavy feelings thundered through me. For a second I stood there, trying to be the strong woman everyone expected and needed me to be. But, in the end, I couldn't hold it any longer. I fell to my bed and for the first time in years, I cried.
Chapter One
Ava, Five Months Earlier