Authors: Philip Roth
TRICKY: What about charts though? What about a
graph? You see, I don't know if people are going to sit
around all night in front of their television sets waiting
for me to say something. But if we had a graph where
we measured the hours in which I have engaged in the
ordinary human activities of scheming, plotting,
smearing and so on, against those I've spent having
intercourse-well, it could be pretty impressive.
And I could use a pointer! At the risk of seeming
immodest, I think I can hold my own with any
schoolmaster in the country in using a pointer and
charts, though of course by training I'm a lawyer, you
know ... And I'll borrow a dog!
Well, how does it sound to the rest of you?
POLITICAL COACH: Speaking frankly, Mr. Pres
ident, I think we are barking up the wrong tree with
this whole idea of using the truth or the
36 OUR GANG
dog. We've used the dog, of course, and with some
success, and though I don't have my file with me, I'm
sure we've used the truth some time or other in the
past, too. Off the top of my head I can't remember
exactly when, but if you like I'll have my secretary
look -it up in the morning. However, right now it
seems to me that, given the hysteria of those Scouts,
and the kind of coverage they're getting, if you were
to go on television and say that you have had intercourse
only once in your entire life, maybe as some
kind of initiation rite when you were in the Navycrossing
the equator maybe-and that the whole thing
had lasted less than sixty seconds, and you had hated
it from beginning to end, and that you had to be held
down throughout, and so on, even that would be
enough to make you appear guilty of the charges the
Boy Scouts are bringing against you. TRICKY
(reflecting) : Of course, if you're going to rule out the
dog and truth and so on, maybe the best approach is
for me to go on TV and deny the whole thing. Say
I've
never
had intercourse.
POLITICAL COACH (shaking his head) : Have
you seen that mob, Mr. President? They wouldn't
believe you, not at this point. TRICKY: Suppose I
spoke from HEW, with the Surgeon General at my
side, and he read a medical report stating that I am
not now, nor have I
TRICKY HAS ANOTHER CRISIS 37
ever been in the past, capable of performing coitus.
SPIRITUAL COACH: Mr. President, at the risk of
being politically naive again, you are the father of two
children . . . that is, if that means anything, in this
context ...
POLITICAL COACH: Politically naive, hell-that
was good thinking, Reverend.
TRICKY: But why can't we just say they were
adopted?
POLITICAL COACH: No, no, that doesn't really
solve the problem. Even if we are able to establish you
as not only sterile, but one hundred percent impotent,
even if we were able to get the American public to
believe that these children who resemble you so were
adopted-and, mind you, I think we could do both, if it
came down to it-you are still going to be
compromised, it would seem to me, by appearing to
have taken into your home the offspring of somebody
else's sexual intercourse. You are still going to be
locked into this fornication issue.
LEGAL COACH: Absolutely. Open and shut case
of guilt by association. If I were the judge, I'd throw
the book at you. And another objection. If he goes on
TV and says he's impotent, most of the people out
there aren't even going to know what he's talking
about. I don't doubt that half of them are going to
think that he means he's queer.
38 OUR GANG
POLITICAL COACH: Wait a minute! Wait one
minute! How about it, Mr. President?
TRICKY: How about what?
POLITICAL COACH: Going on TV and saying
you're queer. Would you do it?
TRICKY: Oh, I'll do it, all right, if you think it'll work.
SPIRITUAL COACH: Oh, but surely, Mr. President
TRICKY: Reverend, we are talking about my political
career! With all due respect, we happen now to be
listening to a man whose business is politics, just the
way yours is religion, and if he says that in a situation
like this one the truth and the dog and so on are not
going to get us anywhere, then I must assume he
knows what he is talking about. After all, one of. the
signs of a great leader is his willingness to listen to all
sides of an issue without being blinded by his own
prejudices and preconceptions. Now I am a Quaker, as
you well know, and consequently it is only natural that
I should be prejudiced in behalf of the advice given to
me by a spiritual person like yourself. But I cannot run
from the facts, just so as to be a better Quaker in your
eyes and in mine. We are dealing with a mob of
youngsters whose minds have been poisoned with a
terrible lie. We are going to have to find a way to
restore them to their senses while simultaneously
restoring to the office of the Pres
TRICKY HAS ANOTHER CRISIS 39
idency its dignity and prestige. And if in order to
accomplish those two important tasks I have to go on
TV and say I am a homosexual, then I will do it. I had
the courage to call Alger Hiss a Communist. I had the
courage to call Khrushchev a bully. I assure you, I
have the courage now to call myself a queer!
The problem is not my courage to say this or say
that; it never has been. The problem, as always, is one
of credibility. Will they believe me?
General, will they buy it over at the Pentagon? That
should certainly be a good test case.
MILITARY COACH (considering) : They might,
sir. They very well might.
TRICKY: Would it help if I batted my eyes more,
when I talk?
MILITARY COACH: No, no, I think they feel you
bat your eyes enough already, sir. Any more and it
might not go over too well with some of the oldtimers.
TRICKY: I take it from what you say that you would
positively rule out my wearing a dress. Something
simple. A basic black, say.
MILITARY COACH: Not necessary,
sir. TRICKY: How about earrings?
MILITARY COACH: No, I think you're fine as you
are, sir.
TRICKY: The point is I don't want to come off
40 OUR GANG
as just a sissy. Five o'clock 'shadow and all, I really
have to watch myself in that department. '
SPIRITUAL COACH: Mr. President, if I may, in.
your eagerness to do the right thing for the nation,
I. think you may be overlooking a small technical
point. Homosexuals have intercourse also.
TRICKY (stunned) : They do? . How?
(Here the Spiritual Coach takes Tricky by the handmuch
as he might comfort one in bereavementand,
leaning forward, discreetly
whispers
the answer
into the President's ear)
TRICKY (recoiling) : Why, that's awful! That's
disgusting! You're making that up!
SPIRITUAL COACH: Would that I were, Mr. Presi
dent.
TRICKY: But-but-(Here he leans
forward
to whisper
into the Reverend's ear)
SPIRITUAL COACH: I suppose they don't care
about that, Mr. President.
TRICKY (outraged) : But that's bestial! That's
monstrous! This is America! And I'm the President
of America! And-and-(turning in
be
wilderment
to the other coaches) listen, do you people realize
what's going on in this country? Do you know what
he just told me?
POLITICAL COACH: I think we do, Mr. Pres
ident.
TRICKY: But that's grotesque! Uccchhy! It makes
my lip crawl!
TRICKY HAS ANOTHER CRISIS 41
POLITICAL COACH: To be sure, Mr. President.
But nonetheless in terms of the problem that is facing
us, it happens to be neither here nor there. The point
is this: homosexuals, regardless of whatever else they
may do, are in no way involved in the sort of sexual
activity that produces fetuses-and that is still what
these Boy Scouts are up in arms about. Consequently,
if you were to go on TV and say you were a
homosexual, in the minds of most Americans you
would have cleared yourself of the charge the Boy
Scouts are making, that you are a heterosexual activist.
You'll be entirely in the clear.
TRICKY: I see . . I see . . . Okay-I'll do it! There-that's
the way to be in a crisis: decisive! Just as I wrote in my
book, summarizing what I learned during General
Poppapower's heart attacks, "Decisive action relieves
the tension which builds up in a crisis. When the
situation requires that an individual restrain himself
from acting decisively over a long period, this can be
the most wearing of all crises."
You see, it isn't even what you decide-it's that you
decide. Otherwise there's that darn tension; too much,
and, I tell you, a person could probably crack up. And
I for one will not crack up while I am President of the
United States. I want that to be perfectly clear. If you
read my book, you'll see that my entire career has been
42 OUR GANG
devoted to not cracking up, as much as to anything.
And I don't intend to start now. Cool, confident and
decisive. I'll do it-I'll say I'm a queer!
LEGAL COACH: I wouldn't if I were you, Mr.
President.
TRICKY: You
wouldn't?
LEGAL COACH: Nope, not if I were the President
of the United States. Why should you? At the time of
the Checkers Speech, when you were only a candidate
for the Vice Presidency, of course it. was necessary to
explain and apologize and be humble and tell them
how much money you owed your Mommy and Daddy
and that you had a doggie and so on. Look, I wouldn't
have objected back then if you had gotten down on
your hands and knees on television, and demeaned
and debased yourself in whatever way was most
natural to you, in order to come to power. But now
you are in power. Now you are the President. And
who are those kids in the street, leveling these
outlandish charges at you? They're kids, in a street. I
don't care what kind of uniforms they wear, they are
still not adults in houses. And that makes all the
difference in the world.
TRICKY: Your suggestion then is what?
LEGAL COACH: No less than any other citizen in
this country, Mr. President, you still have recourse to
the law. I say use it. I say round 'em
TRICKY HAS ANOTHER CRISIS
43
up, put 'em in the clink, and throw the key away.