Authors: Philip Roth
clothes, of course, that would be a great help to our
boys. But in that they don't, in that all of them seem
to go around all day in their pajamas, it is almost
impossible to tell the men from the women, let
alone the pregnant from the nonpregnant.
Inevitably then-and this is just one of those
unfortunate things about a war of this kind-there is
going to be confusion on this whole score of who is
who out there. I understand that we are doing all we
can to get into the hamlets with American-style
maternity clothes for the pregnant women to wear
so as to make them more distinguishable to the
troops at the massacres, but, as you know, these
people have their own ways and will not always
consent to do even what is clearly in their own
interest.
6
OUR GANG
And, of course, we have no intention of forcing
them. That, after all, is why we are in Vietnam in the
first place-to give these people
the
right to choose
their own way of life, in accordance with
their
own
beliefs and customs.
CITIZEN:
In other words, sir, if
Lieutenant Cal ley assumed the woman was simply
fat, and killed her under that assumption, that would
still square with your personal belief in the sanctity
of human life, including the life of the yet unborn.
TRICKY:
Absolutely. If I find that he assumed
she was simply overweight, I give you my utmost
assurance, I will in no way be prejudiced against his
appeal.
CITIZEN:
But, sir, suppose, just suppose, that he
did
know she was pregnant.
TRICKY:
Well, we are down to the heart of the matter
now, aren't we?
CITIZEN:
I
'
m afraid so,
Sir.
TRICKY:
Yes, we are down to this issue of "abortion
on demand," which, admittedly, is totally
unacceptable to me, on the basis of my personal and
religious beliefs.
CITIZEN:
Abortion on demand?
TRICKY:
If this Vietnamese woman presented herself
to Lieutenant Galley for abortion . . . let's assume,
for
the sake of argument, she was one of those girls
who goes out and has a good time and then won't
own up to the consequences; unfortu
TRICKY COMFORTS A TROUBLED CITIZEN
7
nately, we have them here just as they have them
over there-the misfits, the bums, the tramps, the few
who give the many a bad name ... but if this woman
presented herself to Lieutenant Galley for abortion,
with some kind of note, say, that somebody had
written for her in English, and Lieutenant Galley,
let's say, in the heat and pressure of the moment,
performed the abortion, during the course of which
the woman died. . .
CITIZEN:
Yes. I think I follow you so far.
TRICKY:
Well, I just have to wonder if the woman
isn't herself equally as guilty as the lieutenant-if she
is not more so. I just have to wonder if this isn't a
case for the Saigon courts, after
all.
Let's be perfectly
frank: you cannot die of an abortion, if you don't go
looking for the abortion to begin with. If you have
not gotten yourself in an abortion predicament to
begin with. Surely that's perfectly clear.
CITIZEN:
It is, sir.
TRICKY:
Consequently, even if Lieutenant Galley did
participate in
a
case of "abortion on demand," it
would seem to me, speaking strictly as a lawyer,
mind you, that there are numerous extenuating
factors to consider, not the least of which is the
attempt to perform a surgical operation under
battlefield conditions. I would think that more than
one medic has been cited for doing less.
8
OUR GANG
CITIZEN
: Cited for what?
TRICKY:
Bravery, of course.
CITIZEN:
But ... but, Mr. President, what if it wasn't
"abortion on demand"? What if Lieutenant Calley
gave her an abortion without her demanding one,
or even asking for one-or even wanting one?
TRICKY:
As an outright form of population control,
you mean?
CITIZEN:
Well, I was thinking more along the lines of
an outright form of murder.
TRICKY
(reflecting):
Well, of course, that is a very iffy question, isn't it?
What we lawyers call a hypothetical instance-isn't it?
If you will remember, we are only supposing there
to have been a pregnant woman in that ditch at My
Lai to begin with. Suppose there wasn't a pregnant
woman in that ditch-which, in fact, seems from all
evidence to have been the case. We are then
involved in a totally academic discussion.
CITIZEN:
Yes, sir. If so, we are.
TRICKY:
Which doesn't mean it
hasn't been of great value to me, nonetheless. In my
review of Lieutenant Calley's case, I will now be
particularly careful to inquire whether there is so
much as a single shred of evidence that one of those
twenty-two in that ditch at My Lai was a pregnant
woman. And if there is-if I should find in the
evidence against the lieutenant anything whatsoever
that I cannot square with my person
TRICKY COMFORTS A TROUBLED CITIZEN 10
A belief in the sanctity of human life, including the
life of the yet unborn, I will disqualify myself as a
judge and pass the entire matter on to the Vice
President.
CITIZEN:
Thank you, Mr. President. I think we can all
sleep better at night knowing that.
TRICKY HOLDS A PRESS CONFERENCE 11
Tricky Holds a
Press Conference
MR. ASSLICK:
Sir, as regards your San Dementia
statement of April 3, the discussion it provoked
seems now to have centered on your unequivocal
declaration that you are a firm believer in the rights
of the unborn. Many seem to believe that you are
destined to be to the unborn what Martin Luther
King was to the black people of America, and the
late Robert F. Charisma to the disadvantaged
chicanos and Puerto Ricans of the country. There
are those who say that your San Dementia statement
will go down in the history books alongside Dr.
King's famous "I have a dream" address. Do you
find these comparisons apt?
TRICKY:
Well, of course, Mr. Asslick, Martin Luther
King was a very great man, as we all must surely
recognize now that he is dead. He was a great leader
in the struggle for equal rights for his people, and
yes, I do believe he'll find a place in history. But of
course we must not forget he was not the President
of the United States, as I am, empowered by the
Constitution, as I am; and this is an important
distinction to bear in mind. Working within the
Constitution I think I will be able to accomplish far
more for the unborn of this entire nation than did
Dr. King working outside the Constitution for the
born of a single race. This is meant to be no
criticism of Dr. King, but just
a
simple statement of
fact.
Now, of course I am well aware that Dr. King
died a martyr's tragic death-so let me then make one
thing very clear to my enemies and the enemies of
the unborn: let there be no mistake about it, what
they did to Martin Luther King, what they did to
Robert F. Charisma and to John F. Charisma before
him, great Americans all, is not for a moment going
to deter me from engaging in the struggle that lies
ahead. I will not be intimidated by extremists or
militants
or
violent fanatics from bringing justice
and equality to those who live in the womb. And let
me make one thing more perfectly clear: I am not
just talking about the rights of the fetus. I am talking
about the microscopic embryos as well. If ever there
was a group in this country that was
"disadvantaged," in the sense that they are utter-
12 OUR GANG
ly without representation or a voice in our national
government, it is not the blacks or the Puerto
Ricans or the hippies or what-have-you, all of
whom have their spokesmen, but these
infinitesimal creatures up there on the placenta.
You know, we all watch our TV and we see the
demonstrators and we see the violence, because,
unfortunately, that is the kind of thing that makes
the news. But how many of us realize that
throughout this great land of ours, there are millions
upon millions of embryos going through the most
complex and difficult changes in form and structure,
and all this they accomplish without waving signs
for the camera and disrupting traffic and throwing
paint and using foul language and dressing in
outlandish clothes. Yes, Mr. Daring.
MR. DARING:
But what about those fetuses, sir, that
the Vice President has labeled "troublemakers"? I
believe he was referring specifically to those who
start in kicking around the fifth month. Do you
agree that they are "malcontents" and "ingrates"?
And if so, what measures do you intend to take to
control them?
TRICKY:
Well, first off, Mr. Daring, I
believe we are dealing here with some very fine
distinctions of a legal kind. Now, fortunately
(impish en
dearing smile) I happen to be a lawyer
and have the kind of training that enables me to
make these fine distinctions. (Back to serious
business)
TRICKY HOLDS A PRESS CONFERENCE
13
I think we have to be very very careful here and I
am sure the Vice President would agree with me-to
distinguish between two kinds of activity:
kicking
in
the womb, to which the Vice President was
specifically referring, and moving in the womb. You
see, the Vice President did not say, despite what you
may have heard on television, that
all
fetuses who
are active in the womb are troublemakers. Nobody
in this Administration believes that. In fact, I have
just today spoken with both Attorney General
Malicious and Mr. Heehaw at the FBI, and we are
all in agreement that a certain amount of movement
in the womb, after the fifth month, is not only
inevitable but desirable in a normal pregnancy.
But as for this other matter, I assure you, this