Authors: Philip Roth
firmly believe that I was able to maintain and
perpetuate all that was evil in American life when I
came to power. Furthermore I think I can safely
say that I was able to lay the groundwork for new
oppressions and injustices and to sow seeds of
bitterness and hatred between the races, the
generations and the social classes that hopefully will
plague the American people for years to come.
Surely I did nothing whatsoever to decrease the
eventuality of a nuclear holocaust, but rather
continued to make progress in that direction by
maintaining policies of belligerence, aggression and
subversion around the globe.
I
think I might point
with particular pride to Southeast Asia, where I was
able to achieve considerable growth in just the sort
of human misery that the vengeful and vindictive
souls here in our great inferno would wish upon
the whole of mankind.
Now of course I do not claim sole responsibility
for the devastation and misery visited by my
country upon the Vietnamese, the Laotians and
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199
the Cambodians. In fact, I know that in the years to
come you are going to have the privilege of meeting
many of the men who were equally as devoted as
was I, and who worked long hard hours with great
dedication and selfsacrifice, as did I, to make life a
nightmare in that region for those Asian human
beings. I know when they get here they are going to
make a great contribution to Hell, and let me say in
that connection that if I am elected Devil, I will not
hesitate to avail myself of their counsel and advice
here, as I did there.
While it is true then that I was not the sole
author, leader and architect of this great program
for suffering launched by my country in Southeast
Asia, I will say this: when the opportunity to take
charge of our program was presented to me, I did
not stand pat on the butchery and carnage of my
predecessors. Because I know, as do you, that where
slaughter is concerned we cannot stand pat. We
cannot stand pat for the reason that we're in a race,
as I've indicated. We can't stand pat because it is
essential with the conflict that we have around the
globe that we not just hold our own, that we not
just keep suffering for ourselves, but that we extend
it to every last man, woman and child. And I am
confident that if you will look at the record, you will
see that this is just what I was able to accomplish
throughout Southeast Asia. I
200 OUR GANG
think you will agree that in the very brief time
allotted to me I managed to seize upon the opportunity
provided me by my predecessors and,
with the aid of the United States Air Force, I turned
that part of the globe into nothing less than Hell on
earth.
Now I realize, as you do, that despite my record
in Southeast Asia, there are still those who would
impugn my reputation by pointing to certain socalled
"humane" or "benevolent" actions that I
undertook while President of the United States.
Well, let me say, as regards these wholly unfounded
attacks upon my bad name, that I intend, after this
broadcast, to issue a black paper, showing that in
every single instance where they claim I was
"humane" or "benevolent," I was in actual fact
motivated solely by political self-interest, and acted
with utter indifference, if not outright contempt and
cynicism, for the welfare of anybody other than
myself. If and when any good whatsoever accrued
to anything but me and my career, it was-as I am
confident the black paper will make perfectly clearwholly
unintentional and inadvertent.
Now I am not saying that ignorance of benign
consequences is any excuse for a demon who
aspires to be your Devil. I am only admitting to you
that I was not so hideous on earth as I might have
been. But then I am sure that the great majority of
demons in Hell weren't either, and
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that you share with me regrets about wasted
opportunities and pangs of conscience. But let there
be no mistake about it: I am no longer a man
burdened by all the limitations and weaknesses of
that condition, such as conscience, caution and
consideration for one's reputation. And I am no
longer the President of the United States, with all
the barriers and obstructions that stand between the
holder of that powerful office and his own capacity
for evil. I am at long last a citizen of Hell, and let
me tell you, that is a great challenge and a great
opportunity. And that is why I can assure you, my
fellow Fallen, that down here where no holds are
barred and nothing is sacred, you are going to see a
New Dixon, a Dixon such as I could only dream of
being while still an American human being, a Dixon
who humbly submits that he has what it takes in
experience and energy to be the kind of Devil all
you lost souls deserve.
Now in order that the four demons on tonight's
panel can proceed to questioning Satan and myselfand
let me say, I welcome their questions-I shall
now bring my opening statement to a close. But
before I do, I want to make one last thing
particularly clear to the denizens of Hell, and that is
this. In terms of eternity, I am a relative newcomer
to the Realm of Wickedness. But I am a student of
history
202 OUR GANG
also, and I must say that in reading through the
record of the current administration, and in particular
its relations with the Kingdom of Righteousness,
I have been shocked by a blatant example
of what I can only call an attitude of appeasementan
attitude, I am sorry to say, of outright submission
and surrender. I am talking, of course, of the
famous job case.
Now I know that in defense of his actions in that
case Satan has described to you in great detail all the
sufferings that he heaped upon this good man, Job.
And I am not going to say to you that he did not
torment him in the extreme. I am not going to try to
build myself up by downgrading the job he did on
job's sheep and his servants, and the loathsome
sores with which he afflicted him from head to foot.
There is no question but that the program of pain
and punishment' devised by Satan was the right one
in those circumstances.
Yet the question still remains, thousands of years
after the event, under whose auspices and in whose
behalf was that program devised? Under the
auspices of Hell? In behalf of the cause of
Wickedness?
My fellow Fallen, the answer is no. I am afraid
that if you read the record, as I have done, you will
find that it was under the auspices of Heaven, and
in behalf of Righteousness, that your own Devil
planned and executed job's pro
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gram of P&P, a program by the way involving a
considerable expenditure of our resources. I am
afraid that if you read the record you will find your
own Devil taking his orders from none other than
the Lord God Himself. I am afraid you will find that
your own Devil did not so much as undertake one
Evil act without first obtaining the permission of
God. I am afraid that you will find that the reason
he exercised the patience of job was not to drive
him from obedience and destroy him, but to serve
God's justice-and, what is worse, to cause God's
righteousness to shine forth.
Now Satan has indicated on several occasions
during this campaign that I have been misrepresenting
his role in the job case. In order to set the
record straight once and for all, I am going to use
my remaining few minutes to read to you verbatim
from the minutes of the meeting that took place
between God and Satan at that time. And I leave it
to you, the degenerate and the debauched, the
dissolute and the depraved„ to judge whether the
charges I have made during the campaign, and that I
repeat here tonight on this broadcast, constitute "a
reckless distortion and deliberate misreading of
history." I leave it to you to judge whether Satan
was, as he claims, working "diabolically" and
"fiendishly" for the cause of Wickedness, or
whether
he
was, to put
204 OUR GANG
it in language everyone can understand, acting in
accordance with Divine Will.
This document I am holding in my claw is called
the Holy Scripture. It doesn't lie. That is why it is
nothing less than the Bible of our enemies. This is
their number-one best seller of all time. This is the
book with which they brainwash their children.
Contained here are all the truths with which they
intend to conquer the world. You can open it
anywhere and find enough wisdom and beauty on a
single page to disgust and outrage every
loyal
and
hardworking citizen of Hell.
Let me read to you from the secret conversation
between God and Satan, as documented in their
Bible:
THE LORD:
Whence
have you come?
SATAN:
From going to and fro on the earth,
and
from walking up and
down on it.
THE LORD:
Have
you considered my
servant job, that
there is none like him on the earth, a
blameless and
upright man,
who fears God and turns away from
evil?
SATAN:
Does
lot) fear God for naught? Fast
thou not
put a hedge about him
and his house and all that he
has,
on every side?
Thou hast
blessed
the work of his
hands, and his possessions
have
increased in the land.
But [and I am still quoting here from Satan,] but
put forth thy
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hand now, and touch all that he has, and he will
curse
thee to thy face.
THE LORD:
Behold, all that he has
is
in your power,
only upon himself do not put forth your
hand.
That was the instruction given Satan by the Lord.
And what did Satan do? Exactly as God told him to.
Yes, my fellow Fallen, your own Devil became an
instrument of God's wrath.
Let me read to you now from the minutes of the
second secret meeting that took place in an