Authors: Philip Roth
THE ASSASSINATION OF TRICKY 1 ,
you know-but this one was real uppity and he starts
saying we're both full of it, he did it, and the
chauffeur tells him to get at the end of the line and
wait his turn, and that really starts the thing going,
and the next thing you know there are fifteen guys
all swinging at one another, claiming they all did it,
too. Well, if it wasn't for the officer, I'm not
kidding, somebody might have gotten hurt. It could
have been awful."
"So you have nothing but praise for the police?"
"Well, yes-up to a point. I mean he broke this
thing up one-two-three, but then when it was all
over he still wouldn't make any arrests. In fact, once
he'd separated us, he just disappeared, like the Lone
Ranger used to. I can't find him anywhere. Some of
the other guys want to find him, too. See, we gave
him these confessions and all this incriminating
evidence, and so onand you know what he did with
it? He just tore it up, even while he was running
away. Fortunately, I had my secretary xerox all this
stuff at my office, so I've got a copy at home, but a
lot of these guys were foolish enough to give him
the only copy of their confessions that they had.
About the only good thing to come out of this is the
possibility that because the fifteen of us were seen
all huddled together on the pavement here,
pounding each other's heads in, we might get picked
up as a conspiracy. That
is, if
we can find
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a cop. But go try to find even a plainclothesman
when you need one. Hey, you're not authorized to
make an arrest, are you, by your network or
something?"
"-and so in they continue to come. And now they
have told us why. They come not as they came to
Washington to mourn the death of President
Charisma. Nor do they come as came they did to
Atlanta, to follow behind the bier of the slain Martin
Luther King. Nor come do they as to the railroad
tracks they did, to wave farewell as the tragic train
that bore the body of the murdered Robert
Charisma carried to its final resting place, him. No,
the crowd that cometh to Washington tonighteth,
cometh not in innocence and bewilderment, like
little children berefteth of a father. Rather, cometh
they in guilt, cometh they to confesseth, cometh
they to say, `I too am guilty,' to the police and the
FBI. It is a sight, moving and profound, and
furnishes evidence surely, if evidence there need
surely be, of a nation that has cometh of age. For
what is maturity, in men or in nations, but the
willingness to bear the burden-and the dignity-of
responsibility? And surely responsible it is, mature it
is, when in its darkest hour, a nation can look deep
within its troubled and anguished blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah the guilt of all. Of course, those
there are who will seek a scapegoat, as
THE ASSASSINATION OF TRICKY
177
those there will always be, human nature being
what it is instead of what it should be. Those there
are who will self-righteously stand up and shout,
`Not me, not me.' For they are not guilty, they are
never guilty. It is always the other guy who is guilty:
Bundy and Kissinger, Bonnie and Clyde, Calley and
Capone, Manson and McNamara-yes, the list is
endless of those whom they would make
responsible for their own crimes. And that is what
makes this demonstration here in Washington of
collective guilt so blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah. The blah blah of the spirit and the blah
blah blah blah blah blah for which our sons have
died blah blah blah blah blah blah reason and
dignity blah blah blah blah blah dignity and reason.
No, blame not those who gather here in Washington
to confess to the murder of the President.
Ratber, praise them for their courage, their blah
blah blah, their blah and their blah blah blah, for
blah blah blah blah as are you and I. We are all
guilty. And only at the
risk
of blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah forget. This is Erect
Severehead from the nation's blah."
"-the masochists, the mainliners, the minorities
who think they are the majorities, the mashers, the
masturbators, the mental cases, the misanthropes,
the momma's boys, the much-adoaboutnothingites,
the
milquetoasts-"
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"Gentlemen, because of the developing interest
around the nation in the situation here in
Washington, we have decided to move somewhat
faster than we had originally planned, and to release
to you tonight the x-ray of the other hip. We hope
that by releasing the x-rays of
both
of the
President's hips, the right virtually within a few
hours of the left, we will be able to restore some
perspective as regards this whole situation."
"You mean by that the assassination, Blurp?" "I
don't know if I want to use a highly
inflammatory word like that at a time like this.
It may not sell newspapers, but I'd just as soon,
for the sake of accuracy, stick to `the situation."' "In
other words, you are now admitting that
there is `a situation.'
"I don't think we ever denied that."
"What about the funeral, Blurb?"
"Let's deal with the situation first, then we'll
get to the funeral. Any other questions?" "Where
is the President's body right now?" "Resting
comfortably."
"Comfortably in the baggie or out of the
baggie?"
"Gentlemen, don't push me. He's resting comfortably.
That's the important thing."
"Will he be buried in the baggie, Blurb? One
report is that the First Lady has decided that given
his dedication to the rights of the unborn,
burial in the baggie would be fitting and proper.
Like King's body being pulled by a mule train."
"Whatever the First Lady decides, I'm sure it'll be
in good taste."
"Blurb, what about Mr. What's-his-name? He's
still back of the podium saying it didn't happen, that
it's a pack of lies. Do you have any idea what he's
talking about?"
"No comment."
"Blurb, is it true that the oath of office has
already been secretly administered to the Vice
President between speaking engagements, and that
he actually is the President at this very moment?"
"Why would we do a thing like that? Absolutely
not."
"Mr. President, can you tell us now why the oath
of office was administered to you secretly between
speaking engagements, so that actually you were the
new President even while you went around claiming
that the stories of President Dixon's assassination
were lies perpetrated by the enemies of this
country?"
"I think the answer to that is obvious enough,
gentlemen. You cannot have a country without a
President any more than you would want to have a
cackle-dooper without a predipitous, or, likewise, a
caloodian without a pre-pregoratory predention. Of
course, the dreedles, the drishakis and the dripnaps
would give their eyeteeth to have it otherwise, but
the sworn swaggatelle of this sirigible, and the
truncation of our truthfulness will not be trampled
and torn, so long as I, as President, vent such
vindictiveness as the avengers varp."
"President What's-his-name, there is an admittedly
ugly rumor to the effect that the reason you
denied any knowledge of the President's
assassination was because you were fearful that
otherwise the finger of suspicion might be pointed
at you. Do you have anything to say about that
admittedly ugly rumor?"
"Yes, I have this to say and I propose to say it so
that there is no doubt about my feelings on this
matter later. If the creeps and the cowards that
crucify the crelinion, crip after crip, and who
furthermore-and we have proof of thishave
crossbowed the cradalious ever since the first
crackadoes crusaded in the cause of caliphony, if
they think they can cajulate and castigate and get
away with it, there will be such a cacophony of cabs,
cassanings and crinoleum through the criss and
cratch of this country, that the crypto-callistans and
the quasi-clapperforms will quiver rather than coopt
the crokes."
"Sir, while we're on the subject of admittedly
ugly rumors, can you comment on one that suggests
that the reason you kept saying the President was
alive when you knew he was dead,
THE ASSASSINATION OF TRICKY 181
was because you were fearful that either a coup on
the part of the Cabinet, or an armed revolt by the
people, would have prevented you from taking
office, had you announced openly your intention to
do so? Were you frightened that they wouldn't let
you be President because you weren't qualified?"
"Far from fear, what I felt was a filarious
frostification at the far-reaching fistula into which
fate had feductively fastinguished me."
"Sir, will you comment on Mrs. Dixon's decision
to bury the President in his baggie at Prissier? Were
you consulted on this, and if so, does it mean that
your administration will be as committed as was his
to the rights of the unborn and the sanctity of
human life and so on?"
"Well, of course, not just me, but zillions and
zillions of our zircos, zaps of our zilpags and
zikons of our zikenites-"
"So the blah blah blah blah of state has been
passed. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah has
ended and the republic that blah blah blah.blah
reason blah blah blah blah. Heavy are our blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah corridors blah
blah blah that he loved. And the cherry blossoms.
Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah. Blah
blah blah blah blah lest we blah blah blah blah blah
our civilization with it. We can ill afford that. Blah
blah blah blah blah
182 OUR GANG
back to normal blah blah blah blah. Blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah
blah blah of America, from the humblest citizen
to the blah blah blah blah. Blah blah 1776 blah
blah? Blah. Blah blah 1812 blah blah blah? Blah
blah. Blah blah 1904-1907? Blah! Blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah reason and dignity. Blah blah
blah blah reason. Blah blah blah blah blah dignity.
Blah blah blah blah blah blah fulfillment of the