“First things first,” I say, giving him the envelope. “You read…and I’ll pour us a double.” I twist the lid off the whisky bottle and do just that.
Levi carefully pulls Shawn’s letter from its worn envelope and unfolds it slowly. He glances up at me, and a punched feeling in my stomach makes me feel like I might be sick.
Suddenly, I’m downing my shot and pacing the living room. It’s quiet, too quiet, and I’m afraid to look at Levi. Instead I walk closer to the mantle and start looking at all the pictures of Levi and his family. The snakes in my stomach start to uncoil a bit as I stare at the smiling faces in the photos, without really seeing them. In fact, I think I’ve stared at each face for a minute or two at least; Levi’s got to be done reading by now.
How long does it take to read a suicide note?
But I don’t dare look in his direction. I reach the end set of photographs and my eyes are finally able to focus on one picture in particular. I pick it up to examine it more closely, and can’t help but chuckle uncomfortably at the irony.
Okay, okay. I get it, Shawn. I get it. You win.
Picking up the picture frame, I see a grinning Levi, Ryker and Kat, all dressed in period costumes at a Medieval Times show, with Kat and Ryker as a king and queen and with Levi as a white knight.
Of all the pictures to see at this moment, it has to be Levi dressed as the knight. I think I always knew he was, the lines from Shawn’s note running through my mind:
Wynnie, I promise you will know when I’ve sent the happiness cavalry for both you and my baby girl. I’ll make sure you meet your Knight.
I put the picture back and turn around to see if Levi’s done. He is staring at me, studying me, his face impassive. Hot tears I didn’t realize were falling cascade down my cheeks, but I stand and face him, ready for whatever is coming. My heart thumps so hard inside my chest that I can feel it in my throat.
Oh, God, he’s not going to want me anymore.
“Come here, Braunwyn,” he calls, and I don’t want to stay so far from him anymore. I need his proximity, his warmth, even if it’s for him to say goodbye. I reach him in record time and he pulls me down with both hands, so quickly that I have no choice other than to awkwardly straddle him. Again the silence; again the intense stare.
“Levi,” I whisper, staring back at him, looking for something, anything. He still hasn’t said a word.
I feel as if bile is rising in my throat. We’re just sitting and staring at each other, the silence deafening, but then I see something pass across his eyes like a cloud unveiling the sun, and I know we’re okay. I feel it.
“Baby,” he says, cupping my cheeks in his big hands. He traces his thumbs slowly over my tears, up and down at a snail’s pace. “Christ, Braunwyn—you’re so strong. So beautiful, so goddamn brave, and best of all: You. Are. All. Fucking. Mine.” He kisses my eyelids, forehead and cheeks as he punctuates each word causing me to let out a whimper.
He still wants me.
“Braunwyn, I had no idea. No wonder. Jesus, sweetheart…” he whispers, before pulling me in to hug me close. “I’m
him
, Scrappy. It’s
me
,” he says, pulling back to stare at me again, looking deep into my eyes. I know it’s the truth. It’s him. It’s Levi.
“
I’m
the knight meant to take care of you—and to love you and Emmerson.
Me
. Shawn brought you to me. He’s giving us to each other,” he whispers in my ear. “I’m gonna be your happily ever after.”
I shift position so I’m now sitting sideways across his lap. My body sags into his, sobs of relief wracking my body, the tears soaking my shirt along with Levi’s.
“Shhh, it’s okay, Scrappy. I got you. I get it, baby. It all makes sense. I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that. Christ, that
note
. I don’t know what to say. You clearly blame yourself, but you shouldn’t. You gotta stop it, Scrappy. You’re a fighter; we’ll fight these feelings—together. I’m trying to be calm here, but I’m so fucking mad that he did this to you, and to Emmerson. God, I need a drink.”
I feel so relieved and so overwhelmed at the same time. I listen, hugging him close as he shares his thoughts and feelings that—like mine—are all over the place. For him, this is all fresh, and it’s hard to go through the spectrum of emotions like that so fast. It’s like you’re on a roller coaster, one that takes you up to a place of anger and rage, then plummets you down into grief and despair, then back up again.
I listen as Levi rants angrily about Shawn doing that to me, especially when I tell Levi what I saw when I came home and found him in the tub. I decide not to hold any of that back. Levi deserves to know everything. My girls were right, he’s being incredibly sensitive. In one breath he’s upset for me, then he’s telling me how he couldn’t imagine living with depression and how he feels bad for Shawn too. I just sit, clinging to his strong body. It’s such a relief to finally have it all out in the open. I decide there’s no sense in holding back anything else at this point and that I need to also tell him about my family, all the hatred, and how Grams saved us.
Looking me in the eye before he allows me to move off of him, Levi kisses me. It’s a sweet kiss that tells me he’s here with me, that we can do this. That
I
can do this.
“There’s more I want to share with you. I need you to know about my parents, why they’re not around.”
“I was wondering where they’d been for all of this. I was curious where they were, seeing as you never mention them, but I didn’t want to pry.”
He shrugs his shoulders while pouring us another drink as I begin talking once again. He hands me my glass, then sits back, ready to listen.
Braunwyn
“S
hawn and I
had been together since we were fourteen years old. Our town was small, but we had three elementary schools that each fed into the same high school. Sure I’d seen him around but we’d never really talked until the 9th-grade Fall Harvest Dance. We met that night and were pretty much inseparable since. We were young but we fell fast and loved each other hard…or so I thought at the time.”
I add that last part because now, sitting here with Levi, my feelings for him are entirely different than those I had for Shawn. My feelings for Levi are stronger; they seem more infinite, like I know that I want to spend each day of my life with him. Our relationship is easy, mutual, it’s alive with passion, humour and understanding. Levi’s not only the man I want as a lover, he’s the man I want as my best friend. I loved Shawn, but it was young love. I don’t think it was the same mature love you grow into as an adult. There were intense feelings, but it was more a feeling of security, a feeling of comfort, of knowing you had someone by your side, someone struggling to grow up too.
I take a sip from my drink, the coolness of the ice numbing my throat, which is stinging from all my salty tears.
As I’m talking to Levi, I’m coming to some new conclusions about my past, learning all kinds of thing when I hear myself actually say the words out loud to Levi.
I wonder if Shawn and I would even still be together at this point, if he hadn’t taken his own life?
I take another sip, tamping that thought down before moving on.
“Anyway, both of our families hated the idea of me and Shawn being so serious at such a young age, and they were never supportive. Especially my family, since Shawn was known around town as being unstable.”
“Whoa, Scrappy. Describe ‘unstable’.”
“Sorry, I know. It’s a lot to talk about; I’m trying to keep things in order. Okay, so Shawn had always been a bit moody. I guess when he was younger he started having times where he would lose his temper, and have huge arguments with both his parents and his teachers. He struggled for a long time before his parents realized there might be more to his outbursts than just a behaviour problem. Then over the years, he’d start to withdraw from the people he cared about, choosing to be alone in his room a lot of the time. Eventually he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and got put on few different meds until finally the right one and the right dose was found.”
“Jesus, Braun…and this was all before you even met him? Why would you get involved with someone who had all these issues?” he questions. I’m sure he doesn’t mean it the way it’s sounding; the concern on his face is clear. He just wants to understand.
“Well, I’d always known of him. I’d heard he had mental health issues, but I’d never talked to him myself. I was young and my parents were strict, so it’s not like I was allowed hang out in town at night like the other kids, so, no, I didn’t really know him at all until he asked me to dance. Then we just clicked. I wouldn’t have known he had any issues if I hadn’t been told, but I didn’t know what was gossip and what was for real. I wanted to give Shawn a chance, to get to know him and find out for myself.” I look to Levi and he nods in understanding, although his face remains partly skeptical. Shrugging, I go on: “Honestly, he was sweet. Charming. Normal. It’s not like you can always see mental illness, you know. If anything, I would have told the others that
they
were the crazy ones. Shawn was fun and more than anything he made me happy at the time.”
“Okay, so if he was such a great guy when you met, why’d your parents make such a big deal about it? It’s not like he was a lunatic, you said, right?”
“Here’s where it gets complicated. Remember we were only fourteen,” I say. “The other part of the story is that my parents were über religious. I’m talking religion being at forefront of everything the Daniels family did. Honestly.” I sigh. “Levi, my parents could have literally been the spokespeople for the saying: ‘WWJD.’”
“WW…what does
that
stand for?” he asks, confused.
“It means: ‘What Would Jesus Do?’” I chuckle. “Anyway, as a result of their beliefs, they were sure that Shawn and I were heading for lives of nothing but sin, especially after my mother caught us having sex in my room shortly after we had started openly dating.
“So what’s the big deal about that? Hell, I think I was the same age. My mom just always made sure that Ryker and I knew about the birds and the bees and that we had condoms on us whenever we were going out. Shit, I don’t think I was even actually having sex when she bought me my first box.”
“Right. But your mom doesn’t seem so wrapped up in the gospel as mine was. To my parents, sex is reserved for marriage and procreation only. Young woman do not have sex out of wedlock, and they certainly don’t entertain young men in their rooms.”
“Yeah, I bet. Fuck, Braun what did she do when she caught you, you little rebel?” he smiles, trying to keep the mood light. I blow out an exasperated breath before continuing.
“So after that, they spent a huge amount of time trying to find ways to break us up. All of their efforts went into praying for me and keeping us separated. From sending me off to summer camps, to separate schools, to constant threats to send me to live with my Grams, my parents did all they could to keep me from Shawn.”
“Jesus, Braun, I can’t believe they were like that, I mean I get religion and the whole sex thing, but why not try and talk to you? And give you condoms, for fuck sakes?” Levi questions, frustrated.
“They tried to reason with me—well, their version of reasoning anyway—but my parents were dead set against any type of contraception so that option was never presented. Instead, it was threats, shunning and a few physical encounters between my mother and I.”
Levi pulls me closer. I think it’s as much for his benefit, at this point, as for mine.
“Of course, we never stopped seeing each other or being intimate because we were teenagers and in love. My time at home revolved around nothing but school, sneaking out, constant arguing, unhappiness, and church—my mother would force me to repent to the Lord, to seek forgiveness for my sins, since according to her I was in a state of ‘condemnation’ and needed to ask for forgiveness for my ungodly behaviours. As the years passed, it only became worse and worse, then when Shawn and I found out we were pregnant and decided to move in together, that’s when all hell really broke loose.”
“Well, Braun, I can’t blame them completely. I mean, if Scooby were to come home knocked up by some kid I was one hundred percent unhappy about, I’d be all kinds of pissed too. As I know you would be. You can’t deny that, right?” he states matter of factly.
At first I’m pissed. I feel like he’s siding with my parents, that he thinks I made the wrong choices. But replaying his words, I realize he’s being more of a devil’s advocate. And, thinking about what he’s saying, I have to admit that he’s right, to an extent.
“No. You’re right. If it were Emmerson, I’d all out kill her at first, I’m sure. But the difference is, I’d support her too. I’m going to educate her like your mom did with you and Ryker, but if she were to become pregnant, I’d do whatever it took so she’d know she wasn’t alone or wrong. I’d make sure she felt in control, loved and respected for her choices and willingness to try. And that’s the difference.”
“And that’s the difference, Braun. That right there. Your willingness to decide what’s right for you and Emmerson, and not allowing some narrow minded beliefs ruin your relationship.”
“Looking back on it, I can see it differently now. I know that my actions were impulsive; the idea of actually getting pregnant never crossed my mind. I think part of me liked the fact that I was rebelling against a system I didn’t necessarily wholeheartedly believe in, like my parents did. I was happy to go against the grain. I just didn’t realize how much I’d push, or be pushed.” I wipe tears away at my admission.
“I get it Braun, I’m not saying you were necessarily wrong here. I’m just looking at it from both sides. I can see each one. I mean I get first loves and shit, and that you were young, but I’m sure it was preventable. Your mom needs to take some ownership for that. She was the parent, and she should have taken you for contraception if she knew you were sexually active and continuing to be so. I betcha your parents feel some guilt now about not having talked to you about preventative measures. I’m so grateful to my mom and her teaching me about being safe. Church or no church, shit’s different today. Kids need to hear this stuff from their parents, ’cause otherwise it’s from kids on the playground. Ones who don’t know shit about being smart.”