Not Your Damn Dom (Denial #2) (11 page)

I examined the cover.
“
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns
. I love that title.”

“
I’m a submissive myself, so if you have any questions about how you should play it, let me know.” Giselle smiled, then glanced at her watch and cringed. “Damn—gotta go! Meeting starts in thirty minutes and I’m not sure what the traffic’s like. Call me later if you need to talk about anything!”

She
practically ran out of the diner.

Kat sighed and slumped against the table, though I wasn
’t quite sure why.

“
Are you against this stuff?” I asked her, indicating the
Screw the Roses
book.

“
Oh, God, no.” She grinned. “Callum isn’t exactly boring in bed, if that’s not too much information.”

I shook my head.
“I won’t ask for details. I like being able to look people in the face without wondering what they’d look like in a gimp mask, thank you very much.”

Kat snickered.
“He’d never let me near him with one of those things. Seriously, though, what made you pick the sexy script to read for? Is your sex life boring or something? Spencer doesn’t seem like the type to be okay with you flashing your tits all over the big screen, if you don’t mind my saying.”

That was something we
’d have to talk about. Not just the nudity, but the sexual content and the…spanking and stuff. Would he be okay with me acting out something that we hadn’t done in bed together? Something told me probably not.

Maybe I could convince him to try it. He seemed to like the controlling stuff, so it
wouldn’t be too much of a stretch.

“
I’ll see how the script ends and check out this book, then talk to him.” I looked over at her. “Has Callum done any of that kind of thing since you guys got together?”

She grinned.
“What, got his boobs out?”

“
We both know what I’m talking about.” I stuck out my tongue at her.

“
No. No pantsless action on-screen. We have an agreement. If a role calls for that, he’s gonna get a butt double.”

“
And if he’s supposed to do full-frontal…?”

She frowned, annoyed at the thought of a legion of screaming fangirls getting an eyeful of her man
’s junk. “Absolutely not an option.”

“
I guess he’d say the same to you if you were an actor.”

Kat threw her apple core in the trash.
“Pretty safe bet.”

“
So how’s work?” I asked her, tucking the script and book into my purse. Something in me wanted to get off the subject of sex so I could mull over the new information about the way some people spent their personal time later.

“
Good.” Kat seemed to relax as well. “I loved my old job in New York—well, unless the director started throwing his weight around, but most of the directors were pretty cool. But Los Angeles is like this whole other sphere. Everyone takes the movie business so much more seriously here. Even when you’re on the crew instead of in the cast. And let me just say that working on projects where I have autonomy is pretty damn cool. The last project I worked on before I moved down here was this vampire thing, and the set designer I was assisting had this amazing vision for the way she wanted the sets to look, but then…”

She always had a lot to say about her work, but today she seemed to be babbling. Maybe she wasn
’t feeling well, or something.

* * * *

Alex

I walked into the audition with butterflies in my stomach. Every audition I’d ever gone through affected me like this to some extent, but this one was different. It was almost as though the stakes were higher—not professionally, but personally. Which was ridiculous, because Spencer wasn’t involved in this and his opinion was the only one I cared about on a personal level here.

The director stood up and made his way over to me, which was a little unprecedented. Usually they were the ones lording it up over the h
opeful actors reading for parts in their projects.

He was tall and lean, with piercing blue eyes that kind of unnerved me, but not necessarily in a bad way.
“Alex Ashford, right? I was so glad when I heard you were auditioning. I’m a huge fan of
One Last Look
and your plot arc was my favourite. You made that role yours.”

Surprised, I shook the hand he offered.
“Thank you, Mr…?”

“
Owen Hayward. Call me Owen. I’m the director of this project.” He gestured to the others still sitting with their clipboards and introduced them one by one. “This is Anita Sorenson, the casting director; Stephen Johnston, cameraman; and Jay Farley, the producer. Shall we get started?”

“
I just wanted to ask a couple of things about the role beforehand, if I could.” I was probably committing a cardinal sin, putting my curiosity ahead of what they wanted, but if the answers to my questions weren’t what I wanted, there was no point in reading for the role to start with.

“
Sure. Fire away.” Owen took a seat, watching me with the same intensity as before.

“
Okay. Firstly, how much nudity will the role involve? I’m not really willing to bare all, even for a script as good as this one.” I softened my words, hoping praise for the script would be enough to appease him.

Owen nodded.
“You’re not the first to ask that and I’m sure you won’t be the last by the end of the day. I’ll give the answer I’ve given everyone who’s auditioned for the part of Mandy—we’re hoping to shoot most of the scenes with Mandy wearing lingerie, though there might be one scene where you’ll briefly have to be topless. Then again, if we can convey it through camera angles rather than have you stripped off, we most definitely will. Does that ease your mind at all?”

I smiled, relieved.
“Yeah, that really helps. Thank you.”

“
Any other questions?” Stephen Johnston, the bored-looking guy behind the camera, made it absolutely clear that he thought I was wasting his time.

Owen,
Jay and Anita frowned at him simultaneously.

“
No other questions,” I said quietly, addressing Owen instead of him.

“
Great,” Owen said, and took his position between Jay and Anita before looking up at me expectantly. “I’ll be reading the lines of Mandy’s Dom, Tomás. Just don’t expect a stellar acting performance from me, okay?”

I smiled and shifted on my feet, trying to get into the mindset of Mandy. It wasn
’t too difficult, since she and I seemed to want the same thing of late—a good, hard spanking.

Owen began to read from his clipboard.
“Do you understand what you’re getting yourself into by signing this contract? You’ll work for me, but it’s more than just showing up here and getting through your daily duties. You’ll do what I say, when I say it, and unless you give your safeword you’ll have no way out. No matter what I ask you to do.”

I recalled my lines, adopting Mandy
’s voice, which was slightly slower than my own rhythms of speech in my mind. “I get it. I haven’t been able to sleep for thinking about it, Sir.”

“
I take it that’s a good thing?” Owen’s voice was suggestive, and when I looked up at the man, I got the feeling the words weren’t just coming from the script. No, this guy knew what he was doing. He had a background in the lifestyle. That made me feel even more like the character I was reading for.

“
I don’t know.” As Mandy, I turned and stared out of an imaginary window, overwhelmed.

“
Do you get wet thinking about it? About me ordering you to kneel at my feet and wait for my instructions?”

Mandy
’s voice came out slightly broken, her head bowed. “Yeah. I do.”

“
That’s ‘yes, Sir’“.

“
Yes, Sir,” I stage whispered, trembling a little.

“Very good.”

Both Owen and Jay were watching me intently, and Anita was making a note on her clipboard. Jay leaned forward. “Can we try it again, giving Mandy a little more confidence in her decision?”

“Sure,”
I agreed, keeping outwardly calm despite my nerves. I took a deep breath and mentally adjusted my performance, then ran through it again with a more seductive, confident slant. Was it my imagination, or did Owen’s delivery of the Dom’s lines hold a hint of approval?

At the end of the short scene, Owen added an extra element to my audition.
“Step forward.”

Mandy-me obeyed.

“Kneel down. Spread your legs and put your hands behind your back.”

My pulse increasing,
I followed the instructions that weren’t part of the script, sure I was being tested in some way. Luckily, I was wearing pants and didn’t have to worry about accidentally flashing anyone.

“
Good girl.”

Mandy-me smiled down at her lap, waiting for more instructions.

“You’re more than just an actress, aren’t you, Ms. Ashford?” Stephen’s voice interrupted.

I got up before anyone could tell me otherwise and looked over at
the camera operator. “I’m sorry? Could you elaborate? I’m not sure how to answer.” And I didn’t want to reveal my personal desires to a stranger.

“
I mean, you’re reading for this part because you’re a real submissive, aren’t you?” He smirked. “It’s pretty obvious.”

“
Stephen…” Anita rolled her eyes. “That’s an inappropriate question to be asking anyone.”

Jay
stood up and stared at Stephen. “I don’t appreciate your tone. Whether Ms. Ashford feels an affinity for the character or not is none of our business.”

“
Thank you,” I said quietly, as Stephen huffed.

Owen smiled at me.
“You give a very believable portrayal of Mandy, is what I’m sure my colleague meant to say. I think you’ll find yourself on our shortlist, if there are no objections?”

He looked at the other
s, who were quiet. Obviously I’d convinced Stephen a little too well, Jay was smiling slightly at me, and I couldn’t quite get the measure of Anita.

“
We’ll give you a call a little later in the week to let you know.” Owen got up and shook my hand again, while the others remained seated.

I thanked them all for the opportunity to audition and made my escape. That had just been
…strange. Almost like they were looking for more than just an actress for a movie—or had it just been Owen who’d made me feel that way? Despite his talkative enthusiasm—a direct contrast to Spencer’s glower—I got the sense the lifestyle meant more to him than just a good plot device.

Maybe
Jay felt that way too, though he was quieter about it. He’d stepped in to defend my honour pretty forcefully.

Had the audition gone well enough to get me the part? I couldn’t quite tell.

CHAPTER
EIGHT

Alex

Spencer was due home at any second, and I was nervous as all hell. How was I going to explain this to him? It was so far beyond anything we
’d ever done in the bedroom, and I was thinking about taking a part that meant I’d be pretending to do it in real life? And I assumed real spanking would be involved at times, too. I wasn’t sure Spencer would be okay with that.

We
’d only been dating a few months, but he was important to me. So important that thinking about life without him—if it came to that—was distressing.

He
’d told me to let myself in, and so I’d made myself at home. Now I was lying on my stomach on the bed, sipping from a mug of coffee and leafing through the book I’d borrowed from Giselle.

I was starting to get a sense of the wider BDSM community from reading this stuff. It wasn
’t just Doms and subs. There were sadists and masochists, tops and bottoms—with the bottoms showing no deference to the tops. Not to mention Mommies/Daddies and littles, owners and pets, slaves and their Masters and Mistresses…

A whole world out there I
’d never imagined, and I wanted to explore it. Okay, maybe not to try everything, but at least to walk through a club and see the sights.

I imagined Spencer leading me on a leash attached to a collar around my neck, the possessive sign that no one but him was allowed to touch me. I could envision the other subs
’ envious gazes on me, because who wouldn’t want a hot, powerful man like Spencer as their Dom?

I was really getting carried away with this stuff. Okay, so he liked to order me around in the bedroom. That didn
’t mean anything. He might refuse to hurt me because it wasn’t in his nature. Because he didn’t think he’d be able to safely tie me up, or a million different other reasons. He didn’t have to be into BDSM just because I wanted him to.

But I really, really did.

Sighing, I concentrated on calming down and re-caffeinating. The sip of coffee was still in my mouth when the door opened and Spencer’s footsteps approached.

Spencer

I found Alex lying on her stomach on the bed, engrossed in a book. I stretched out on the opposite side, kissing her temple on the way down. “Anything good?”

“Really interesting, actually.” She looked up at me with a glint of arousal in her eyes. “I read for a part today and I borrowed this from a friend to research the role some more.”

“Hmm. Gonna tell me more?”

She set the book aside. Something about it sent a twinge through my memory, but I couldn’t quite get to grips with what. When she scooted closer to me, her face just an inch from mine, the association faded from my mind altogether. “Okay. The character I’m reading for moves into a new place in a new town, and it turns out her next door neighbour is into some pretty sexy stuff. My character isn’t sure it’s for her, but he convinces her and they start this wild, secret affair with lots of forbidden elements to it.”

Please, don’t let this be what I think it is.
The uneasy thought got lost behind the sensory bliss of her lips on mine, her leg snaking over mine as she ground her clit against my thigh. I couldn’t help but respond, pulling her farther on top of me as my cock began to stir.

“You’re enjoying this research?” I asked as she pulled back to look at me.

“I’d enjoy it even more if you’d help.” She rode my thigh slow and hard, taking pleasure from me without giving back, but just watching her was sexy as hell.

“You look like you’re doing pretty well there yourself. Sure you don’t just want to come on my leg?”

“No.” She slid her hand over my cock, finding it steel-hard and ready for her. “I want something else.”

“Tell me.” I pulled off her shirt, turned my tongue to her taut nipples one after the other.

Alex sighed and pushed into the touch, arching her back. “I want you to do very bad things to me. Stuff from the script I’m reading for.”

She shivered as I slid my fingers down her spine. “Gonna have to be more specific.”

“I want you to pull me over your knee and spank me,” she whispered in my ear, working my cock with her hand.

I groaned, my cock jerking in her fist even as cold dread began to seep into my mind. “That’s in your script?”

Fuck, no. Not after all this time. I can’t do that to her.

“Mm-hmm… And I want you to tie me to the bed…”

Again, my cock pulsed in her grip, a surge of pleasure hitting me as the mental images ran through my brain. I could just get out the rope I had stored and tie her in a simple chest harness, make her breasts stand out for my every caress and pinch. Tie her legs apart, her wrists to her ankles, and finger her until she sobbed for release, and then—

I almost lost it as she slid down my body to take my cock in her mouth, the hot moisture sending me halfway to crazy. “Fuck, Alex…”

She knew she almost had me and refused to stop even when I warned her I was close, redoubling her efforts to stimulate me with her lips and tongue. I covered my face with my hands, my mind and my body completely opposed. I knew I should stop her, tell her that her fantasy would never be fulfilled as long as she was with me. But God, my body was frantic for her to keep going. Her determined mouth, her light moans against my cock, the way she sucked and licked and fluttered her tongue against me… I just couldn’t stop her, and when I thought of spanking her over my knee—
fuck…

I came in her mouth, crying out against my palms as the orgasm wracked my body. She swallowed every drop as though it were a gift, then kissed my stomach slowly.

I couldn’t take my hands from my face. Didn’t know what my expression might give away. Fuck, I was a mess.

“Spencer?” She sat up, shifted to my side again, and laid her hand over both of mine. “What’s wrong?”

I let my hands drop and pulled a veil of anger over my true feelings. “Don’t ask me that. I don’t want to talk about my feelings, okay? I just…need some space.”

She withdrew as if wounded, her eyes luminous with hurt. “I don’t get it. What’s come over you all of a sudden?”

I guessed I should count myself lucky she hadn’t figured it out right off the bat, but that only seemed to piss me off more. “What’s wrong with me? Except that you’re reading for a part that will mean you getting naked for the whole cast and crew of your production to see?”

She hugged her knees, her brow furrowed. “That’s
your problem? But we don’t know that. And I was gonna discuss it with you beforehand if I was offered the part, so please don’t freak out.”

“I’m not freaking out; I just…” I sighed, hating that I was acting like an unreasonable asshole without telling her why. It went against anything a Dom should do, but then again, I hadn’t been a Dom in a long time.

Say something, at least.

“This…
stuff.” I picked up the book she’d pushed aside, turned it over and got a fresh shock. She was reading
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns
. Widely considered one of the essential non-fiction BDSM books for anyone in the lifestyle. This was serious.

I threw the book down as though it had burned me. I just couldn’t help myself. Panic rose within me and I stood up abruptly, doing up my pants, which were still unfastened from the blow job she’d just given me. And I was leaving her with nothing
in return.
Selfish bastard.
But if I stayed, knowing what was in my head—how could I control myself?

“I don’t like it.”

Alex stared at me, obviously shocked. And I couldn’t fucking blame her. The way I acted with her in bed, she’d have to be a fool to not realise I might be open to a little more than vanilla. Having me turn around and claim the opposite would throw her. Hell, it was throwing
me
. I didn’t think I’d ever told a lie this big in my life.

“You don’t like it,” she repeated slowly, as if checking she hadn’t misunderstood.

“Do you know how destructive this stuff can be? How it can turn happy people into nervous wrecks? If you had any idea, you wouldn’t even talk about this stuff with me, let alone read for a part involving it. God, Alex.”

Angrily, she pulled on her shirt, covering her naked breasts defensively. “You know what? I never thought you’d be such a bigot. There are a ton of ways to enjoy sex, and not all of them have to be stamped with your approval, Spencer. Even if you don’t like it, I’m interested. It’s fascinating. I might like it in practice or I might not, and I kind of hoped you’d be the one to help me find out, but it looks like you’re too judgemental for that, huh?”

I stared at her. I couldn’t speak. Couldn’t move. If I spoke, more lies would come from my lips and I didn’t think our relationship would survive that. I wanted to leave the room, but I was frozen to the spot. Everything I’d been afraid of with Alex was coming to pass. She’d realised she had submissive tendencies and she wanted to explore them, and I ached with the urge to take her in my arms and promise her I’d help, that I’d keep her safe, that she could trust me.

I wished she
could
trust me.

Alex

He had a problem with me being submissive? After the way he acted in bed—controlling me, dominating me? He was like a textbook case of a Dom and I’d been so sure—

“Alex…” Spencer held out a hand to me as though he wanted to smooth this whole thing over.

Screw that!

“
I just bared an incredibly personal part of my soul to you—something that I only just realised about myself—and you look like I’ve just told you I have cancer. We’re not okay right now.”

Spencer nodded.
“I understand. Completely. And I wish I could make this easier for you.”

All my naughty daydreams went up in smoke. He
’d never lead me around a fetish club by a leash. I’d never kneel at his feet and wait for his commands. I’d been a fool.

“
If you won’t do these things with me, at least I get to pretend for the duration of this role, huh?”

“
No,” he said sharply. “Alex, you can
not
take that part. Not if we’re gonna survive this.”

I wanted to scream at him to make me understand. It made no sense to me. It was the exact opposite of the reaction I
’d expected from him.

I kept calm by a thread.
“Spencer, I need to know why you’re being like this. I don’t get it, and I’m not gonna be able to move past it until I do get it. You laying down the law and saying I can’t take this job isn’t gonna help either of us. I’m angry and confused and…” A hard lump in my throat made it difficult to talk. My voice broke. “…disappointed, and I don’t have any logical explanation from you.”

He stood up and put his hand on my shoulder, one on my waist, turning me to look at him.

“It’s not that I don’t want to. Sometimes it’s all I think about.”

Okay…that was a turn-around. I was completely confused now.
Slowly, I sat back down on the bed and waited for more.

He took my hand but stared off into space, as if unable to look at me and process this at the same time. His jaw was clenched
—against what words, I didn’t know. But I made myself wait, knowing that by prodding him for answers I’d do neither of us any favours.

Fina
lly, he took a deep breath and let it out. “I told you at the beginning of our relationship that I couldn’t get into anything with you. Remember?”

I wasn’t likely to forget.
“I remember.”

“
This is why.” He didn’t elaborate. Was he even going to?

I curbed my impatience by breathing slowly in and out, the way I dealt with nerves before an audition. God knew it wouldn
’t help to put pressure on him. I didn’t want to be that kind of person.

He squeezed my hand, as if to reassure himself I was still there.
“I told you I had a bad break-up. What I didn’t tell you was that it was a BDSM relationship. We were together six years. I was her Dominant. She was my submissive.”

My mouth dropped open.
A six-year relationship with the kind of stuff I’d been fantasising about? And he’d never, in all the months we’d been together, done anything more than occasionally pull my hair and order me around a little?

That kind of hurt.

He was waiting for a response, and I didn’t know what to give him. Part of me was feeling inadequate, like he didn’t want to do that stuff with me because I was me. It was a stupid reaction, but I’d been excited to try BDSM with him. To discover what we liked together.

Finding out he
’d been there, done that, bought the T-shirt—that, I hadn’t seen coming.

“
It must have been tough,” I said slowly. “Breaking up from that intense a relationship.”

Spencer nodded.
“I don’t want to go into the details, but she left very suddenly because of something I did. It tore us both to pieces. Her even more than me. Ever since then, I don’t trust myself in a Dom role.”