Nobody Likes Fairytale Pirates (26 page)

She opened her mouth, then closed
it, then opened it again.  “I don’t know, ‘Rai.”  She admitted.  “I have no
idea why a prince would want to kill me.”

Uriah let out a long sigh.  “So,
that means a
queen
wants to eat your heart, a prince tried to kill
me
,
an entirely
different
queen is going to kill us both because we’ve
kidnapped her brother, our clients are insane, and we’re sailing towards the
worst place in the world in order to find a city that doesn’t exist and a treasure
which may or may not be there.”  He nodded.  “Yep.  That’s my life.” 

“Don’t forget the spider.”  She
prompted.

“Squid.”  He corrected with a tired
sigh.  “I’m told it’s decorative.”

“You can tell it that when it’s got
us in its web.”

He slouched down again.  “You know,
I for one, am rapidly losing confidence in this enterprise.”

She sat down next to him on the
crate, feeling tired.  “Like a bucket full of holes”

Ryle snorted.  “I never had any to
begin with.  Not for nothing, but I think you all are going to fucking die.”

Din and Ester continued to scream
at each other.

“I’m a 75 year old woman, and even
I’ve
got bigger balls than you, you shiftless loafer!”  Ester’s voice cut through
Ransom’s head like a knife, despite the fact the woman was on the other side of
the deck.  The tone was simply so loud and aggravating that just one word made
you want to start hitting her in the face until you couldn’t hit her anymore. 
“If my husband Charles were alive, he
never
would have allowed you to
treat Badroulbadour and I this way!”

“If her husband were still alive,
I’d assume it was only because his suicide attempts had failed.”  Ryle told no
one in particular.

“Mother,” Dory began softly, “I
really think that what we all need to do is…”

“Oh, go be ugly somewhere else.” 
Ester snapped, cutting her daughter off.  “No one here wants to look at you, Badroulbadour!”

“Don’t you yell at my wife like
that!”  Din screamed.  “You can’t tell her what to do anymore!”

“Thank… thank you, Din.”  Dory chimed
in softly, sounding touched.  “That’s very…”

“For gods’ sake, Dory!”  Din
interrupted.  “Can’t you see that I’m busy right now!?!  Go below!  I don’t
have time for this!”

Ryle sighed, obviously feeling his
own pain.  “Next time, can you idiots please kidnap me somewhere that doesn’t
suck?”

“You’re not alone in that feeling.” 
Ransom agreed.

“Oh, I didn’t kidnap you, Rance.” 
Uriah snorted.  “Stop trying to blame me for this.  You were…
whatchamacallit.”  He snapped his fingers several times as he tried to think up
the word.  “‘Salvage’.  Washed up on shore and I took you home.  Completely
different.”

“None of this concerns me anyway.” 
Ryle reminded them.  “I don’t see why I can’t just lock myself in a cabin and
try to pretend I’m not here with you.”

“You know what?”  Uriah’s voice
seemed to imply that this was another teaching moment and that he was about to
impart more important advice on the boy.  “I’m not going to let your forcible
captivity further justify your lack of participation in group activities.”

“Incapable of supporting the team.” 
Ransom added, mirroring her partner’s earlier words.

Uriah chuckled.  “My thoughts
exactly, Dove.  Here, we went out our way to include him in our adventure…”

“…letting him watch history get
made…”  She continued.

“…and what’s the thanks we get?” 
Uriah wondered aloud.

“Well, next time you can both just
feel free to leave me home.”  Ryle grumbled.  “I don’t want to be here.”

“Life is about doing the things you
don’t want to do, but which still need to be done.”  Uriah advised, probably
quoting his mother again.  “Think of how proud your sister will be when she sees
what a man you’ve become in her absence.”

“Thanks to us.”  Ransom added. 
“Learned his ass some responsibility.”

“Life in Cormoran made him soft.” 
Uriah agreed.

“Piracy’ll toughen him right up…” 
She nodded.

“…or kill him…”  Uriah added
regretfully.

“…but either way, the
transformation will be splendid to witness.”  She finished.

“Chipping away all his soft edges
and leaving him a sparkling diamond.”  Uriah sounded almost proud.

“Just stop talking.”  Ryle all but
pleaded.  “I’m getting really sick of your voices and I already hate you
enough.”

“Look on the bright side: we’ll be
in the Wasteland soon.”  Uriah promised.  “And then I’ll be the least of your
problems.”

“Can’t wait.”  Ryle still sounded
depressed and unhappy.

“If the map is right, we should be
only a few days away from whatever it is Din is after.”  Ransom added.  “Which
means that we only have to keep calm for a little while longer.”

“And then?”  Ryle wondered.

“As my mother used to say: ‘Killing
someone is
always
wrong… unless you have to.  Or someone pays you.  Or
they piss you off.’”

“Maggie-isms scare me sometimes,
‘Rai.”  Ransom whistled in amazement.  “She’s a dark lady.”

“It’s a dark world.”  Her partner
agreed.

“…and the bananas you bought are
too green!”  Ester shouted at her son-in-law, her voice suddenly much louder
again.  “I’ve been forced to eat them all day!”

“The world is so cruel.”  Uriah
commiserated, his tone filled with mock sincerity.

Ransom threw her head back and
positively howled with laughter, finding her partner so entertaining.  He
always made her so relaxed and happy.

“You have the absolute sexist laugh
I have ever heard.”  Uriah told her softly.  “Have I told you this already?”

She was taken aback and only
managed to shake her head.  “No,” she finally got out, “no, it’s a first.”

“You’re one of those people who
just laughs with your whole soul.”  He gently squeezed her hand, which affected
her far more than she ever would have expected.  “It’s… beautiful.  Thank you
for that.” 

“You’ve always bought green
bananas, I hate green bananas!”  Ester continued screaming.  Something got
thrown, possibly the bananas in question.  “
I fucking hate green bananas!
”

“I KNOW!”  Din screamed back.  “
WHY
DO YOU THINK I BUY THEM!?!
”

“Some people just care so much
about everything.”  Uriah observed calmly, not removing his hand from hers.

Ransom rested her head on his
shoulder.  “It must be so exhausting to have so many opinions.”

“Not nearly as exhausting as
listening to them list each and every one of them though, I’d wager.”  Ryle
slumped further down on his crate, getting more comfortable.  “He’s so
boring
,
have you noticed that?”  He asked them calmly.  “I’ve heard that one story about
his horse six times already.”

“Seven.”  Ransom retorted.

“What’s so special about his
horse?”  Uriah sounded confused.

“See?  You don’t even listen to
people,
that’s
why nobody likes you.”  She swatted at her partner.  “You
just wait for a pause in the conversation so that you can make some bitchy quip,
using words no one else would ever use.”

“She’s got you there.”  Ryle
agreed.

“Even the
Swab
gets it, and
he’s just a child.”  Ransom gestured at him.  “I don’t know why you seem to
view it as some kind of mystery why people hate you.”

“I’m
older than you are
,
lady.”  The Swab sounded insulted.  “I don’t know why you keep treating me like
I’m a kid, but…”

“Shhh…”  She put her finger to her
lips.  “Let the adults talk.”

Uriah snickered.

Then the three of them sat in
silence again.

“What are we going to do about the
Adithians, Dove?”  Uriah finally asked her, sounding uncharacteristically
worried.

She shrugged.  “I have no idea.”

“I still think they’re going to
kill you.”  Ryle prophesized.  “That’s kinda what they do.  They kill things
and then they make big statues to commemorate their cruelty and brag about it
to everyone.”

“Once I have what we’ve come for,
they won’t be able to touch us.”  Uriah promised cryptically.  “And that goes
double for your sister and her giant.”

“I’m sure Dom will be terrified.” 
Ryle sounded spectacularly unimpressed.  “Try to fight my brother-in-law and you’ll
just die tired.”

The old woman and Din both started
screaming at Dory about how she never supported him/her and only ever sided
with her/him.  For her part, the girl made soft little unhappy sounds,
obviously upset that her mother and husband could never get along and that they
both took that frustration out on her.

Ransom, Uriah, and Ryle sat in
silence and observed the battle like spectators.

“She needs to stop making herself a
doormat.”  Ransom offered, reaching into Uriah’s pocket and pulling out the
apple he almost always carried.

“This isn’t her doing, don’t blame
the victim.”  Uriah leaned over to take a bite of the apple while it was still
in her hand, his lower lip brushing against her fingertip.  The sensation was
shockingly
intimate and pleasurable, sending a jolt of desire through her body.  “He
simply needs to stop being such a dick, that’s all.”

“Mine sounds more empowering.”  She
teased, taking a large bite of the apple.

“Where are all the normal people?” 
Ryle wondered.  “Why am I always stuck with the crazy rejects?”

“Dead.”  Ransom held out the apple
so that her partner could take another bite.  “All the normal people are dead.”

“Only the strong survive now,
Swab.”  Uriah agreed, chewing thoughtfully.  “The people too tough to let this
war break them.”

“That’s downright inspirational,
‘Rai.”  She praised, holding out the apple, her fingertip moving to deliberately
touch his lip again.

“Thank you, Dove.”  He said around
a mouthful of fruit.  “I try.”

“So what exactly do you hope to
find here?”  Ryle asked them.  “In the Wasteland, I mean.”

“Gold.”  Ransom gave a whistle and absently
tossed the rest of the apple to Dinner, who grabbed the treat and scurried off
somewhere to finish it.

“And you really think gold is going
to keep my brother-in-law from tearing you to pieces?”  Ryle snorted.  “I doubt
it.  Didn’t help the Baselanders.”

“Gold… and one arcane little trifle.” 
Uriah added.  “It’s the whole reason I agreed to come on this doomed little
vacation.”

“Uh-huh.”  Ryle still sounded
unenthusiastic about the plan.  “I doubt it’ll make much difference.” 

Uriah sighed.  “He has no
imagination, Dove, have you noticed that?”

She nodded in agreement.  “His
whole generation is like that.”

“We’re the
same generation!
” 
Ryle cried, obviously sick of them pointing out his age.  “In fact, you’re like
five years younger than I am, lady!  If not more!”

“Sure.”  She scoffed in dismissal. 
“Whatever.”

“…that is
not
how I would describe
the morons you’ve hired!”  Ester shouted, dragging their attention back to
their battling clients, mid-tirade.

“Hear that, ‘Rai?”  She put her
head back on his shoulder again, enjoying the steady sound of his breathing. 
It was always so comforting.  He was such a strong man.  “Sounds like she
doesn’t like us.”

“’The dog barks, yet the caravan
keeps moving forward.’”  He quoted wisely, putting his head on top of hers. 
“I’m going to pretend that every word out of her mouth will be her last.”

“I can make it look like an
accident.”  She offered.  “No one ever suspects the blind girl.”

“Please do.  She never shuts up.” 
Ryle complained.  “Obviously I’m not taking the son-in-law’s side, because he’s
even worse, but at least he’s quieter about it.”

“Dove?”  Uriah asked her softly. 
“Speaking of which, please just try to not speak to her at all.”

She smiled at the idea.  “Are you
really suggesting that we give someone the silent treatment?”

“It sounds more mature if you call
it: ‘covert avoidance’.”

“Mother, I think you’re being too
hard on them.”  Dory tried to calm the old harpy down.  “They seem like…”

“Oh, they can take it!”  Ester
screamed.  “They’re
supposedly
professionals!  And we’re not here to
give verbal handjobs to pirates!”  She slammed a fist down onto something to
emphasize her words.  “They’re here to kill for us!”

“Drop the word ‘for’ and then we’ll
talk.”  Ransom retorted.

Ryle giggled like a schoolgirl,
then cleared his throat to cover the immature sound.

“Thanks to your bungling, Din,
they’ve alerted the entire Adithian navy to our plan!”  The old woman hit
something else to demonstrate her fury.  “This was supposed to be an easy
trip!  We follow the map to Nar Ta’Tel, get my treasure and leave!”

“Yeah, I simply don’t know why
anyone
in Adithia would care about their most famous lost city and its mountains of unclaimed
gold.”  Uriah thought aloud.  “Seems like something that wouldn’t concern them
in the slightest.”

“Well,” Ryle began, “technically, I
think the Adithians were chasing Rans…”

“They’re chasing
gold,
Swab.” 
Uriah cut him off.  “No matter what else you might be thinking, the Gardeners
were chasing the
map
and the
gold.
”  His voice darkened, making
sure the Swab got the point.  “
Do you understand me?
”

Ryle was silent for a moment,
obviously trying to process why Uriah wouldn’t want their clients to know that
the Adithians were after Ransom.  Realization finally dawned and the boy’s
voice sounded all but eager to agree.  “Oh… oh, yeah!  Yeah, they just kept
going on and on about the map!  The whole time they were trying to grab… the
map.”

“And how did they even
know
about
the map, Din!?!”  Ester challenged accusingly.  “Have you been blabbing to
someone else about my birthright!?!  Perhaps showing it around to all of your
whores!?!”