No-One Ever Has Sex On A Tuesday: A Very Funny Romantic Novel (14 page)

“Oh I have no doubt it’s all very clean, it’s just that the thought of you ladies attaching yourselves to a machine that sucks your nipple in and out is a bit weird… isn’t it?”

No-one said anything.

“Come on don’t look at me like that. It’s hard on us men. We’re programmed to fantasise about the female body, right Matthew? From puberty we dream of seeing boobs in the flesh, never mind touching them. Then as we get older we’re allowed to become more familiar with the female form then suddenly, just as you think you’ve got your hands on the damn things, bang, you have to forget every dream you ever had. Now the object of your affection has been taken over by a baby who has no idea how lucky they are or worse a damn machine. A machine is allowed to fondle your woman’s tits but you’re not.”

Matthew, Katy and Alison all stared at Ben when he had finished.

“That was lovely Alison. Shall we move onto main course?” said Katy after a pause, now even keener to hurry the evening along.

“Of course,” said Alison getting up immediately. “Matthew, would you help me clear away?”

“Ben, you might want to wind it down a little” said Katy after they had left the room.

“Why? What did I say?”

“I don’t really think the whole boob fantasy gone wrong thing was entirely appropriate.”

“I was only trying to make conversation and break the ice a bit. Trouble is I think the ice has frozen up her ass. Boy does she need to relax. And can she only talk about bloody babies? We have got to get her off the subject or else I am going to have to get very, very drunk.”

“Sssssh they’re coming back,” hissed Katy. “Just tone it down please.”

“Here we are. Now this is pot-roasted poussin with honeyed parsnips and mustard mash. Hope you like it,” said Alison.

“Looks wonderful,” said Ben with a huge grin aimed directly at Alison’s now rather frosty smile.

Alison thawed slightly as she watched Ben dig his knife into his poussin’s chest with gusto.

“So have you got your route to hospital all planned out Ben?” she asked. “We’ve tried several options at different times of day just to check which is quickest.”

Ben stared at her in amazement, still chewing. “Depends,” he said finally.

“On what?” she asked.

“On whether I will be travelling from home or from Edinburgh.”

“Edinburgh,” she said, her turn to look amazed. “Why on earth would you be travelling from there?”

“I’m going there on a stag-do in a couple of weeks time.”

Alison almost dropped her knife and fork in shock.

“You’re going on a stag-do just before Katy gives birth?” she said.

“Yes,” said Ben as if he expected that to be the end of it.

Alison turned to direct her line of questioning at Katy.

“Aren’t you worried Katy? I have to say if Matthew asked if he could go on a stag-do just before I was due to give birth I’d tell him not to go.”

“It’s only in Edinburgh, it’s not that far,” said Katy defensively. “I don’t tell Ben what he can and can’t do,” she added, glancing over at Matthew.

Alison stared her for a moment as if she had just arrived from another planet before she got up from her chair. “Well good for you,” she said clearing away the plates. “I just hope you have someone on standby if those contractions start. I wouldn’t want to be on my own for that.”

Matthew, Katy and Ben sat in silence listening to the kitchen door squeak quietly back and forth behind Alison.

“Suppose she does have a point really,” said Matthew. “You wouldn’t want to be on your own would you?”

“Look let’s change the subject shall we. It’s not going to happen. It’s nearly two weeks before and if I do start I’ll have to call Daniel,” said Katy, realising that worryingly he was her only option.

“Does it have to be Daniel?” said Ben. “I like the guy, I really do, but if it is a boy in there I’d like to give him half a chance of coming out on the right side.”

“Well you won’t have much choice will you if you’re not there,” said Matthew a bit too quickly and sharply.

“Hey, I thought you’d be on my side mate,” said Ben, slightly taken aback.

“Well I am but,” said Matthew, taking a pause, “I know if it were my child I wouldn’t take any risk at all that I might not be around.” He looked down quickly knowing he had crossed a line.

“It’s my best mate, I can’t miss it. I can get the train back in about five hours or I can get a flight that takes an hour. I’ve got all the details and Katy’s cool, aren’t you love?”

“Yeah, sure,” said Katy somewhat shocked at the mention of a five-hour travel time but even more disturbed by what Matthew had said.

The kitchen door recommenced its squeak as Alison swept back into the room with a large tray.

“I’ve done something really simple for desert if you don’t mind. But it is one of my favourites.”

Matthew jumped up to help her and unloaded four small glass plates onto the table, each holding an assortment of frozen berries.

Ben looked at Katy with a questioning look on his face almost as if to ask permission to speak. Katy looked quizzically back, not sure what he was up to now.

Ben looked at the plate in front of him again. Then picked up a raspberry, put it in his mouth and crunched down hard.

“Christ that’s cold,” he said, clutching his jaw.

“No Ben,” said Alison. “Look, you pour this melted white chocolate over the berries to thaw them. Now try.”

Ben tried again, swirling the food around in his mouth several times to ensure adequate defrosting.

“Nice,” he said finally. “Reckon even I could do that.”

“So Katy, I’d love to know what Matthew was like at school,” said Alison having clearly decided whilst in the kitchen that they needed a change of subject. Katy’s heart sank even deeper. This was really hard work and she was tired. How was she going to get out of this one alive? The image of Alison with the axe on the moors reappeared in her mind.

“Well, he was just a regular kind of guy really. I remember he did have long hair but that was kind of common back then.”

“Oh I know. I have seen the dreadful pictures at his mother’s. And those fingerless gloves. I never would have dreamed that he was such a fashion victim,” said Alison, screwing her nose up.

Katy had a sudden flashback of her and Matthew spending the day trawling an indoor market trying to find the perfect gloves. They were essential for their outfit as they were going to a gig together, she remembered. Their first real grown up gig in the back of some pub somewhere. It was dark and smoky and heaving and they had loved every minute of it.

“Well, that’s what you do at that age don’t you, follow fashion. It’s all part of being a teenager,” said Katy, feeling dizzy from the effort of walking on so many egg shells.

“But it was the eighties,” said Alison. “The fashion was so awful. Thank goodness fashion has calmed down these days and we never have to go through that again. Anyway, come on, you must remember something else?” persisted Alison.

“No secret snogging behind the bike sheds you haven’t told us about?” sniggered Ben, nudging Katy. “Come on, you can tell us, did he ever try it on with you Katy?”

“God no, no, never,” Katy laughed hysterically trying not to show the complete panic that had gripped her insides. Matthew joined in, laughing way too heartily.

“What a ridiculous idea,” he said. “She was so not my type.”

“Hang on a minute,” said Ben. “Didn’t you go to some reunion last year? Remember when I was on Paul’s stag-do?”

“Bollocks,” exclaimed Matthew in a very high-pitched voice as he leapt in the air spilling his coffee right down his front.

“Oh Matthew, take it off quick, you’ll burn, and it’s your best shirt. Come on quick, look, here’s some ice darling.”

Alison was pulling frantically at Matthew’s shirt trying to get the tails out of his trousers as the coffee stain crept rapidly across the fabric.

His shirt was halfway over his head now. He was trying to undo buttons from the top whilst Alison frantically tried to pull it over his head. Eventually she won and dragged it off revealing Matthew’s completely hairless chest. This instantly reminded Katy of the sex. She looked away, fearful that Alison would read her mind.

Matthew held a damp napkin wrapped around some ice to his lower belly. He was breathing very hard and looking nervously from one person to another.

“I’m OK,” he puffed. “It was just hot that’s all, made me jump. Shall we open some more wine? Alison, there’s some more Merlot in the rack, you go and get it and I’ll just go and put another shirt on.”

“Why don’t you put the green and taupe one on? It’s hanging in your wardrobe,” shouted Alison as he left the room.

She turned back to Katy and Ben. “How embarrassing. You’ve seen his guilty secret now. That cupid tattoo is another unfortunate legacy from his school days. Hideous isn’t it? He said an old girlfriend talked him into it. I keep telling him to have it removed. I hate staring at a reminder of an ex, wouldn’t you?”

Ben was sitting very quietly, his brow furrowed. He didn’t reply to Alison’s question, just looked at Katy and furrowed his brow even more.

Katy felt sick. Disaster had well and truly struck. She couldn’t breathe. They had to get out and get out now.

“Alison, I’m so, so sorry but I’m dead on my feet. It’s been wonderful but we are really going to have to go home; I can’t keep my eyes open. Is that alright with you Ben?”

He nodded.

“I understand perfectly. We must make the most of all the sleep we can get at the moment mustn’t we? I’ll go and get your coats,” said Alison, getting up.

They were all standing in the hall by the time Matthew came back down stairs. Ben had shoved his hands in his pockets, pulled his hat over his ears and was staring at the floor. Katy was trying to act normally towards Alison whilst shooting warning looks at Matthew.

“So thank you so much, it’s been great. Sorry Matthew. Gotta go, suddenly really tired,” said Katy as she awkwardly shook Alison and Matthew’s hand. Ben had already opened the front door letting the wind come howling in. He walked straight out without saying anything. Head down, chin in his chest.

“So bye then,” she said, rushing out to follow him after seeing one last glance of Matthew’s confused face.

“Shit, shit, shit, what have I done? Stupid, stupid, stupid,” she cursed before opening the car door, the wind and driving rain more alluring than what might greet her inside.

She dropped into the driving seat.

Ben said nothing.

She had her usual battle with the seat belt as it protested at the expanse of her belly.

Ben said nothing.

She sat for a moment watching an abundantly overflowing hanging basket swing precariously on a wrought iron hook, looking like it might fly right off. Was this the moment she wondered, when everything came tumbling down?

“Why?” asked Ben.

“Why what?”

“Oh come on Katy. There is a bloke who you were at school with who has the exact same tattoo as you. I have to ask why.”

The tears were already flowing. They came the second Ben opened his mouth. She sniffed hard and swallowed.

“I’m so sorry; it’s just that, well, we used to go out together, just at school. It was a stupid dare, the tattoos I mean. Really stupid.”

“But why didn’t you say so?”

“Because of Alison. Apparently she is so jealous that if she knew I was the ex-girlfriend it would freak her out and Matthew doesn’t want to upset her at the moment. And I didn’t mean to lie to you as well Ben, but it just seemed easier. It meant you didn’t have to lie too. Stupid I know, I am so sorry. He means nothing to me, I promise.”

For the first time since they had got into the car Ben raised his head to look at her.

“I never asked if he meant anything to you.”

It was Katy’s turn to stare at the floor.

“Oh right, yeah. I just wanted to make sure you knew, that’s all.”

They sat in silence until Ben reached back to put on his seatbelt.

Katy leaned forward and started the car and they drove home to the sound of the moaning wind.

Chapter 14

Katy stared gloomily at the phone for a good five minutes after she had put the receiver down. It was the longest conversation she’d had with Ben since Saturday night, which was something. The fact that he’d said he wouldn’t be going to that evening’s antenatal class because he was playing football, however, was not a sign that he was in a good place with everything yet. She wanted the old Ben back, not this quiet, awkward, monosyllabic stranger. Not that she had seen much of him since the dinner party. On Sunday he had left the flat in the early hours and not returned until after she had gone to bed. The following morning she had got up to find him passed out on the sofa, fully clothed. A half eaten pizza lay spilling out of its box on the rug and empty bottles of beer littered the floor making the whole place smell as bad as his over-indulged breath. As gently as possible she had shaken him awake, not daring to kick off about the debris surrounding him. She had made him some breakfast and then they sat at the breakfast bar in silence, chewing toast. Unable to bear Ben on mute mode Katy had finally dared to raise the subject of Matthew, apologising again for lying about their school days relationship. Without looking her in the eye he had grunted a “Fine. Stop worrying about it,” before getting up abruptly to go to work, leaving her to tidy up his mess. This is what it must be like living with a sulky teenager she thought, getting mildly pissed off as she sponged crusty tomato sauce off the rug. She would have hoped he would be mature enough to talk to her about it but obviously not. He didn’t come home before she went to bed again that night and as she walked into the lounge the next day she braced herself for the aftermath of yet another night of heavy drinking and late night takeaways. But he had already left, crumpled sticky foil cartons from the Chinese crammed into the bin under the sink and an empty bottle of red wine put ready for recycling. She had seen this as progress. Evidence that he was less angry with her, but now she felt utterly deflated that he could not even bring himself to go to one last class.