“Promise me,” she had said, her eyes full of love despite her condition.
“IâI . . .” I sobbed, not being able to finish the sentence.
“Get . . . the girls.”
“I can't leave you. There's no time. And I want them to remember you in your health. Not like this.” I looked down, ashamed of myself. She nodded, a tear sliding down her gaunt face. Her hand twitched and I took it fervently. Her lips tried to smile. I gently touched her clammy cheek.
“I love you, Josie.” I held back tears.
“I . . . love . . .” She gasped, coughed, and tried again. “I love . . . you . . . tâ” the T sound faded into a soft exhale. Her eyes stared off into nothingness, losing their warmth. I fell to the floor and sobbed.
Screaming. People screaming. Someone had run past me, pushing me into the wall. I turned and pressed my back against the wall like a frightened animal. I was disoriented. Why were there so many screams? A fight had broken out. Guards were screaming, and the men were yelling at each other. Everyone was screaming.
Josie was always haunting my mind, but that was the day everything finally made sense. That was the day my flashbacks seemed hopeful rather than reliving a nightmare. My cellmate came out of our cell, confusion on his face. As I'd stared at him, I could almost swear that I was staring into a mirror. I knew then what I needed to do.
And now, here I was . . . sitting underneath a tree in the cozy little town of Niceville.
If only they knew what was coming.
T
he alarm went off for work, causing me to jump. I scanned the room groggily. I rubbed my eyes and sat up. I definitely didn't sleep well.
As I stumbled down the stairs, the smell of pancakes, bacon, eggs, and coffee mixed with the sound of sizzling food made my stomach grumble and my steps a little more graceful.
“Morning,” I said as pleasantly as possible considering the early hour.
“Good morning, sweetheart,” Mom said as she was frying eggs on the stove.
“Morning, Lily,” Ashley said sleepily. Her sparkling green eyes fought to stay open. Her light-brown hair messily stuck out in strange angles. She had Mom's hair, silky and pretty. I had my father's hair that was thick and hard to manageâanother reason why I left it straightâbut it was soft, thanks to shampoo and conditioner. Mom had chocolaty-brown eyes, but Ashley and I both had pretty green eyes. We got our eye color from our dad. I liked the color, but I hated the fact that they were from my father. They were a constant reminder of him. Our dad was a painful and frightening subject to think about.
Ashley was only a few days old, and I was ten at the time. My father had started to drink a lot, and it became a problem. I spent most of my time in Ashley's room after that started. When my father would come home at whatever time of night, Mom would hurry me into Ashley's room, and I locked the door like always. She wouldn't come in the room with us because he would follow her in. She had protected us at all costs.
So, I would sit holding Ashley while I listened to my father screaming and yelling and cussing. Mom would yell back, and I could hear her voice shaking. I knew she hated yelling with every part of her being. I would hear him slap her, and banging noises from all over the house. Ashley would whimper, and I rocked her in my arms so she wouldn't cry. I'd grit my teeth to keep my own tears in. Trying to keep Ashley safe and calm was the only thing that kept me from bawling.
Each night was different. Sometimes, he'd get closer and closer to the room, and I would rush to the closet with Ashley to hide. The doorknob would jiggle, and the door would shake in its frame as he shoved and kicked it. But Mom had always gotten him away in timeâI'd hear something shatter against the door, something that she'd thrown at him. Or she would yell, which would earn her more bruises.
My heart never slowed down on those nights . . . sometimes I worried that I would wake Ashley because it pounded so hard. Then, after what felt like days, my father would go to his room and slam the door. He would pass out for a long time until he felt like drinking again. Mom would knock on our door quietly, and I'd run to unlock it. Her face would be all busted up with new bruises or a busted lip. Once he'd even broke her wrist. She had lied to everyone and said she fell down the steps. Even though she was in pain, she hugged me and told me that everything would be all right. She'd grab Ashley, rocking her back and forth. Afterwards, she would clean all her scratches and bruises with the First Aid kit she'd stashed in Ashley's room. We would fall asleep in there. And my father would usually be gone when we woke up.
One day, my mother had finally put an end to it by getting a divorce. We'd moved in with my Grandma and Grandpa Strykes in Niceville, which was nine hours away from where we used to live with my dad. She had gotten a restraining order against my father for all of us, but she'd never gone to the police about the abuse. I always wished she had. That awful man deserved all the punishment he could get. It seemed like she almost wanted to protect him from the law even though he had put herâand usâthrough so much. It infuriated me if I thought about it too much. I was just glad they were separated.
But the divorce had made my father extremely angry, and one day he came after us in a drunken state. He had ended up killing three people on his way to our house by crashing into their carâa man and his wife, and their three-year-old son in the back seat. And he kept on driving without a second thought.
My friend Chelsea and I were playing on the front lawn. We had a dollhouse, Beanie Babies, and Polly Pockets strewn all over the grass. Then he flew onto the curb and into the mailbox. My mom had been watching us from the porch, and she ran frantically to my side, grabbing me and Chelsea. She tried to rush us inside, but my dad tore out of the car in a fit of rage, a few beer bottles rolling out after him. He had a gun in his hand, and he was staring at my mom. My mind was so frozen I had no time to react. I didn't cry or whine or speak. I just stared at that black, evil thing in his hand.
“This is what happens when you try to leave me, baby!” he had yelled and cussed. His words were slurred from the alcohol, and he pointed the gun at me. I remembered my heartbeat being the only thing in my head, like when you put a shell to your ear and heard nothing but the ocean.
My mom jumped in front of me and screamed, “No!”
A shot rang out.
The loud noise echoed all around me, and I had moved for the first timeâcovering my ears with my hands, squeezing my eyes shut, and crying out. Chelsea was crying and holding on to me. I remember waiting for pain.
I heard screaming, but it was a man's voice. My mom dropped to her knees and flung her arms around me. I opened my eyes in shock and saw my father on the ground holding his leg, screaming in pain. The sound of sirens blared in the distance, piercing my ears. I looked behind me and saw Grandpa standing in the doorway, holding a long gun in his hand with a hard look on his face. Grandma had rushed over to us with tears in her eyes.
“Lily, look at me,” my mom said, gently shaking my shoulder.
All I could hear was ringing, and my mom's voice was blurry underneath the ringing.
“Are you okay, baby?” she asked me. Her voice was a little breathless and she was crying. She stroked my face while holding Chelsea's shoulder. I couldn't find my voice, so I nodded.
She looked at Chelsea and said, “Come on, sweetie.” She picked us up and took us into the house. The ambulance had taken my father away, as several police cars followed behind. One of the cops had stayed behind to talk to my mom and to Chelsea's mom, and they talked for what seemed like a very long time. My father had been sentenced to six years in prison, though he should have gotten a life sentence for all the crap he put us through. And the innocent people that were dead now. And all the injuries he had given to my mom, and the emotional damage he had done to us. Ashley had been the only one untouched.
Life had gotten normal again, except there was no Dad. I was actually happy about that, though. Life was finally better for us. Chelsea's mom had freaked, and I wasn't allowed to play with her anymore. It was OK though because we had moved anyway.
I was glad my father was in jail. I felt safer and thankful. But I wished my dad hadn't changed. That would be a perfect life. I remembered the happier times, before the drinking started. My dad and I used to go fishing, and the three of us would go camping before Ashley was born. I was around five or six when we did all of the fun things together.
“You gotta be patient, Lily.”
“But you already have two fishes!”
“Two
fish
,” he'd corrected.
“You have two fish.”
“That's because I don't move the bait so much, Lil'. Cast out . . . there . . . that's perfect! Now just wait, you'll know when to pull.” He patted my head softly. After what seemed like hours to me and my impatient mind, I had finally felt a tug!
“Daddy! Daddy!”
“Pull Lily, pull!”
I had reeled in the line as fast as I could. At that moment, I never wanted anything more than that fish so my dad could be proud of me. The fish flew out of the water and hung there as I jumped around triumphantly.
“Good job Lil'! You caught a Sunfish.”
“Daddy, can we take it home? Pleeeaaasse?”
“No honey, he needs to stay in his home.”
“Why?!” My tears started to pool over.
“Because he belongs here, not in a tank.”
“But I want to take him home,” I pouted.
“He has a family in this lake, hon. Do you want them to miss their Daddy?”
“No,” I said glumly wiping my tears away.
“Then let's put him back.”
“Okay,” I sniffed and we put the fish back into the lake.
That had been my first fish. Why couldn't I be like those fish in the lake?
My father had worked in a good-paying job, and everything was normal and happy back then. But then he lost his job, and he and Mom started fighting. He would leave and go to the bars, and then he changed.
After the whole incident, and with my father locked away in prison, we eventually moved out of Grandma and Grandpa's house into our own. My mom had put me in therapy for a little while, which helped. I used to get nightmares all the time, but as time passed, so did the dreams. We'd recovered and moved on. We never told Ashley, but she never asked much about him. I was sure the day would come, but I hoped it wasn't for a long time. And when that day did come, Mom and I would tell her what we could, depending on her age.
Roger Pillens was my father's name. I hated to think it. I liked my mother's maiden name, Strykes. That was our last name now.
“Lily, are you okay?” Mom's voice brought me back to the present. I didn't realize I was staring off into space and not eating. I looked up quickly. She was giving me a worried look.
“Oh! I'm fine, I zoned out, sorry,” I said with a nervous laugh. She looked at me for a moment longer, then at Ashley, then went back to eating. I practically inhaled the rest of my food. I never breached the subject of my father with my mom. I didn't want to upset her, and I didn't really have anything to say that hadn't already been said.
People at school sometimes made comments about their parents, and when the subject came up, I said that my parents were divorced. And that was that. Nobody ever asked anything more. The only person who knew was Emily, but that was because she was my best friend and I'd known her for so long.
After breakfast I went upstairs to take a shower. I waited a minute for the water to heat up, then hopped in. I let the warm water relax my muscles and cleanse my thoughts. I loved showers. They washed away my worries and my stress. My shampoo smelled like wildflowers; I breathed it in and sighed. I washed my face and stood there for a good five minutes before finishing. I already wished I could turn it back on. I dried off and got ready for work while Mom and Ashley got ready for their girls' day out. They had girls' days often, and I went with them when I could. I had to work a lot when Mom had days off. I didn't mind, though, because I liked my job.
I grabbed my iPod off the charger, ran outside, and jumped into my mother's car.
As my mother drove, I said, “The movie is at nine. Em is picking me up at eight thirty, and I'm going to her house after. Is that okay?”
“Okay, honey. That's fine with me. Have fun and a good day at work!”
We pulled into the bookstore parking lot where I worked, Angie's Books. I hopped out of the car and looked through the open window.
“Thanks, Mom. You guys have a good time too! See you at eight!”
“Bye, honey. Love you,” Mom said.
“Bye-bye, Lily. Love you!” Ashley called from the back seat.
“Love you guys too,” I said, and turned to walk into the store.
As I opened the door, the tiny bell sounded. I walked through the aisles and to the back of the store, where the lockers were stationed. Jean Almontia, one of my co-workers, was sitting on a bench. I'd always been jealous of her long, wavy, red hair since elementary school. Everyone would always play with it during recess, including myself. Her eyes were green, but not quite as green as mine. She had a lot of freckles on her arms and a few on her oval-shaped face. She was a lot taller than me and skinny like a twig. She was gorgeous like a runway modelâthe ones who were giants and didn't have very many curvesâbut when you looked at their faces you couldn't stop your mouth from popping open.
“Hey, Jean, got stock duty today?” I asked while I put my stuff in my locker.
“Yeah, what do you have?” she asked as she tied up her hair in a ponytail.
“Oh that sucks. I have register duty today,” I said.
“Lucky!” she cried. “I have to scan books all day. At least you get to talk to people,” she complained.