Nick and Lilac (28 page)

“Never.”

Something inside her died. “Then there’s…no use t-talking now. Because even though…I l-love you s-so m-much---”

Nick’s body jerked at the words.

Lilac broke down. “I l-love you so much, Nick. This whole p-party---everyone knew I w-was waiting f-for you, N-Nick. B-but you n-never came.
Y-you n-never c-came
.”

Every word pierced Nick’s heart.

“And R-Reid---” Lilac gasped for breath because her chest was hurting too much. “He h-hugged me and t-told me you p-probably had a s-serious r-reason for n-not c-coming here on t-time.” She closed her eyes. “N-now we k-know w-what that is, right? W-when K-Karla c-came b-back, you c-couldn’t p-pretend to l-love m-me a-anymore.”

The truth was out. The poison that Karla’s words had infected him with went out with it, too, leaving Nick with the most awful realization – that he had let the most precious thing go and it could be too late to get her back.

He took a stumbling step towards her. “L-Lilac---”

A cry of pain came out from her, and a moment later he realized Lilac mistakenly thought he was mocking her, doing the same thing James Caruthers did to her.

“NO!”

She pushed past him, the look of devastation on her face something he would never forget, and it fucking hurt – oh fuck, it hurt even more than the time he had ten men shove a bottle up his ass.

Painful desperation had Nick gasping, and he tried to run after Lilac, wanting to make it right – he needed to make everything all right but Reid held him back. “Let her go for now, Nick.”

Nick was shuddering. “Lilac---”

“I saw your man earlier. He’ll make sure she’s fine. I need to show you something before you go to her.” Reid forced him back to the ballroom. “You have it all fucking wrong, man.”

His friend flipped a switch open. Chandeliers blazed into life, hurting Nick’s eyes for a moment. And then he saw it---

YOU ARE THE BEST BIRTHDAY GIFT I CAN EVER HAVE.

“She did all of this for you, Nick.”

****

“Please, Lilac, please, let’s talk.”

Nick had been begging for
hours
, and Lilac had been sitting on the floor, her back against the door, covering her mouth to keep the sounds of her tears from coming out.

He banged on the door. “Please, Lilac, please. Sweetheart, please, I’m so fucking sorry. I’m so goddamn sorry.”

His voice was raw with hours of pleading, but Nick couldn’t stop. He would never stop.

****

Jason found his brother kneeling in front of Lilac’s front door, a broken and penitent man.

“Lilac, sweetheart, please. Just one chance, sweetheart.” Nick choked. “I love you. I mean it now. I fucking love you so much I won’t ever love another girl. You’re my world. My
everything
.”

Jason slowly walked to Nick, unable to find it in himself to hate his brother even after what Reid and the others had told him.

“Nick.”

His brother looked at him dully.

Jason forced Nick to his feet. “We need to talk.”

Nick struggled against his hold. “I need to make Lilac listen---”

“You need to hear this.”

Nick’s head shot up at the tone of his voice.

“I got a confession from Beatrice.”

“How?”

The question made Jason’s fists clench. Even with all the fucking heartbreak Nick was suffering, the brother in him had been alert enough to ask the question. Only Nick knew just how much it sickened Jason to even be in the same room as Beatrice.

“It doesn’t matter how,” Jason said tightly. He gave Nick a folder. “Davos was behind your attack.

We’ve always suspected that. But…” He made himself look into his brother’s eyes. “Karla was---”

Pain exploded in Nick’s head, and he started to fall as Jason’s words ripped the gray veil that had always kept one part of that night hazy.

****

His ass burned like hell, the bottle that was being shoved in and out of him like a fucking cannon firing continuous shots into his body. But none of it could compare to the shame that was drowning Nick, making him wish he died right there.

One of his attackers was leaving.

Somehow, everything about being a victim – the pain, the agony, the acute helplessness that gripped his limbs – it all heightened his senses to something beyond…human. The thrusts in his ass were more excruciating than it should be, the grip around his wrists tighter than it really was.

He heard the distant crash of water against the shore like it was just next to him, and he smelled the liquor in his attackers’ breaths like they were kissing him.

And he listened…he listened to that one lone man’s receding footsteps because it was all he could do. Listen.

He was talking---

Another voice---

A small sound, crying, and painfully familiar---

“You weren’t supposed to hurt him like that!”

“I would never have told you where he was if I knew this would happen!”

“You’re never going to get away with this!”

SLAP.

The crack of a hand against a female’s cheek.

Tears.

The sound of betrayal.

Karla.

****

The sound of someone knocking on her door woke Lilac, who curled in a ball on the floor next to the door.

“Lilac, it’s me, Jason.”

She didn’t speak, didn’t even rise from the cold hard floor.

“I just want you to know that…”

She squeezed her eyes shut.

“We’ve uncovered evidence that links Karla to Nick’s attack years ago. She’s the one gave the attackers his whereabouts that night.”

Another painful pause and Lilac pulled her knees close to her, wrapping her arms around them.

“Nick’s at the hospital for post-traumatic shock.” Jason’s voice became harsh. “I know he’s done unforgivable fucked-up things to you, Lilac – but he really loves you. He fucking loves you to death.”

The Twenty-First Encounter

Rain splattered on the sidewalk as Lilac ran for cover, holding the largest of her books over her head. Her phone vibrated insistently inside her pocket but she ignored it. Lilac quickened her pace, and when the rain came pouring down, she made a dash for it. By the time she reached the doors of her dorm, she was already soaking wet and trying to catch her breath.

“You forgot your umbrella again.” Norma, the resident head, shook her head resignedly.

She smiled sheepishly, about to apologize for creating yet another wet puddle in the lobby when her phone buzzed again.

Lilac took it out.

An unsaved number flashed on the screen.

She had just changed numbers this morning, and Nick Christakos already knew what it was. She deleted the message without reading it.

New number, new house, new life---she did
not
want anything that would remind her of…
him.

****

Another week passed and the thunderstorm that cast a dark shadow over the entire state, dampening everyone’s spirits, still hadn’t left. The nights were too chilly outside now, and only Jason’s promise of afternoon tea at a historic home that was not open to the public had made Lilac brave the cold.

On her way out, she passed the calendar she had tacked to the wall, a limited-edition design with different Regency scenes featured for each month.
Twenty-two…

It had been twenty-two days since she had last seen Nick.

She shouldn’t know that. It shouldn’t matter. But her mind and her heart weren’t hers anymore, no matter how much she tried to block every memory of Nick out.

Jason was waiting outside her dorm, holding an umbrella and dressed once again in jeans. But this time, instead of just a plain shirt, he was also wearing a striped sweater over it.

She made her eyes go wide. “I thought…you were too…
macho…
to feel the cold.”

“I’m Greek,” he retorted. “Not English.”

She laughed, and he kept her entertained throughout the ride. But when the scones and tea were served, Jason said quietly, “I have to talk about him, Lilac.”

Jason’s words made her slowly put her cup down, her entire body going cold. She had been enjoying the occasional meals with Jason under one explicit condition: that they were
not
to talk about his brother.

She said flatly, “No.”

“None of this is working. It’s not helping either of you.”

“I don’t know…what you’re talking…about.”

“My brother’s not eating, not working---he’s just fucking existing, waiting for your call.”

“I don’t…want…to…
know
.” Lilac sobbed the last word out, her own tears catching her unawares. She turned away from Jason, willing the tears to stop from falling.

“I’m not telling you any of this because of Nick,” Jason said harshly. “I’m telling you because I can’t bear seeing you fade away. It’s
you
I’m worried about the most, Lilac. You’re
lifeless.
”

She shook her head. “It takes…time t-to b-be
happy.
” She said the last word fiercely. “B-but I w-will b-be happy again.”

“Will you?” Jason shot back. “Do you really believe that?” He reached out to hold her face, forcing her to look at him.

“W-what?” She was crying now.

“Look at me. Look at me really hard, Lilac.” When her eyes went to him, he asked tautly, “Who do you see?”

Confusion flitted over her face. “You. J-Jason---”

“But I’m Nick’s twin. I’m Nick’s
identical
twin, Lilac. But you don’t see that. And you have to fucking open your eyes to the truth – to accept what that means. There is no one like Nick in the world, no one else you can love---”

“NO!” She covered her ears.

He pulled her hands off. “When was the last time you daydreamed?”

Her head shot up. “W-why---”

“I read your files, remember? I know about your daydreams and how they’re almost always because you’re happy.” Jason’s eyes bored through her. “So when, Lilac? When was the last fucking time you daydreamed?”

Twenty-nine.

The number popped out of nowhere, and she didn’t question it, knowing what it stood for. She started to cry.
Twenty-nine
days since the last time she and Nick had made love, twenty-nine days since she had last dared to dream.

“I d-don’t w-want t-to l-love h-him anymore.” Tears clogged her throat.

Everything in Jason made him want to reach out for Lilac, but he couldn’t. Because there was no point and Lilac had to realize that. No matter how much she cried and wished it was otherwise, she could only love one person in this life and the next.

****

Thirty-four.

The numbers fluttered in her mind at the oddest times, like daydreams compressed into just two digits.

Thirty-four days had passed since she had last spoken to Nick, and the number popped up in the middle of her baking demonstration for a
Hands On
event. Lilac froze, holding her whisk mid-air.

Dorothy nudged her, muttering under her breath, “Lilac?”

The crowd of mostly teens gazed at Lilac with confused expressions on their faces.

Feeling her cheeks turn red, Lilac lowered the whisk to the bowl. After a pause to pull herself together and collect her thoughts, she switched the whisk on. “We set it to…medium – anything stronger and…we’ll end up…with a face cream…literally.”

Her audience laughed, and she drew confidence from it. Readjusting the lapel microphone, she continued, “You only stop…whisking…after the texture is…creamy.” She did her best to speak loudly and clearly, a necessity since she was just one of the twenty presenters simultaneously holding demonstrations at a local park near Christopoulos University.

There was also the fact that she had to compete with the usual noise that typically came with having a primarily teenage audience who liked to talk, text, and tweet all at the same time. There were also their parents roaming around, chatting and laughing as they checked the products and services offered by the concession stands of local businesses who had agreed to participate in the event.

Lilac was the worst candidate for public speaking, but for
Hands On
demonstrations and workshops she was willing to risk losing face. It was one of her favorite charities among the ones that the SAC supported because through it she was able to
directly
contribute to changing the lives of those who needed help, liked seeing the light in teenagers’ faces as they realized there were things they could do to make a living, change the world and above all – that they had the power to make themselves and other people happy.

As she continued with her demonstration, Lilac had an uneasy feeling of being watched, which of course was ridiculous. Of course she was being watched – this was a demonstration prepared for
fifty registered teenagers
and that wasn’t counting those who had dropped in late and the other volunteers in the audience.

Her demonstration ended at twelve sharp. Lilac made sure of it, knowing her teenage audience would appreciate the promptness as well. Jason had texted her about having lunch and on her way to the parking lot, she heard it.

“Thank you for giving me a chance to become a part of this.”

Lilac froze at the familiar voice.

“You all know why I’m here, and I know why you’re all here.”

She stumbled around, her heart in her throat.

“When I was sixteen, I was raped.”

Lilac could no longer move. She could only listen, her heart breaking as he recounted every painful second of his ordeal.

Nick’s voice was strong and clear, his emotions lending impact to his every word. “It made me feel unworthy of anyone’s love. And because I trusted the wrong person, for years I pushed away those who really loved me…I kept a part of myself protected by isolating myself, by pretending to be tough.”

Nick swallowed, and the sound was made audible by his microphone. “My fear of being hurt again made me distant with the people who truly love me. My mother, my brother, my friends – the girl I wanted to marry.”

“Sometimes, the people you hurt can’t forgive you right away. Maybe they never will. But it doesn’t mean you should give up. You should continue loving, continue trying---you never stop loving the people you love just because they don’t love you anymore. By loving another person, by opening yourself to all the joys and pains of love---that’s the only way you can become whole again, the only way you stop becoming a victim and start fighting back. You go beyond surviving. You start
living
.”

When the applause started, tears were streaking down Lilac’s face. She started to walk, but soon it wasn’t enough. She
ran
.

But of course he caught up to her.

“Lilac.”

Oh, oh, oh God. It hurt. It
fucking
hurt.

He turned her around to face him, and Lilac let him. The sight of Nick made her inhale sharply. He was gorgeous, so much more beautiful than she wanted to remember. He was thinner, too, with dark circles under his eyes. But he was still Nick. Still…Nick.

Digging her fingers into her palms, Lilac managed a smile. “
Nick
.” 

Dio!

To have Lilac smiling at him again…Nick was dazed by it, like a blind man seeing sunlight for the first time. Swallowing, he said, “You look…beautiful.”

Behind Nick, she saw Jason stepping out of his car, and their gazes met.

Nick looked over his shoulder, following her gaze, and his heart constricted. “Lilac, I---”

“No.” All her courage, every little bit of determination to see this through and pretend she was fine--- all of it left her and to Lilac’s horror tears pricked her eyes. “I have to…go.” She tried to push past Nick, but he caught her wrist, spinning her around to face him.

“Please…let me…go.”

“Please don’t go.” Nick sounded broken.

The sound destroyed Lilac’s flimsy control, and the tears fell. She couldn’t even manage to resist as he pulled her close. She just…cried, as if the tears she had ruthlessly kept in check for thirty-four days needed to be let out.

Lilac’s silent tears ravaged him. “I’m sorry.
Dio,
I’m so fucking sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I
love
you.”

She could believe he was sorry. She could believe he was a good man even, that he didn’t mean to hurt her. But it was
not
enough. It would never be enough because he didn’t love her. He had only pretended to love her---he had
fucking
said so himself.

“Stop…pretending!”

He flinched at the agony that made Lilac’s voice tremble and turned her eyes glassy. “I’m not pretending. I was never pretending. I was just fucking blind and stupid---”

“I don’t believe…you!”

“Then I’ll wait until you do!”

Cruelty borne out of pain forced Lilac to say the words that would hurt the most. “There’s no point…waiting. I love…Jason.”

For a moment, all Nick could do was stare at Lilac, like a man who had been shot, but the knowledge of receiving a mortal wound hadn’t yet reached his brain.

The words sank in.

Nick’s face whitened.

Her entire body shook with pain. Even now, she hurt when he hurt.

The ground under his feet had disappeared, leaving him with nothing to hold on to.

Lilac loved Jason.

He had known they had been going out, but he had never thought…

How stupid, how fucking stupid he had been, to think that he still had a chance.

“Jason was the one…” His voice was dull. “He was the one who told me about this event.”

She looked away, unable to bear seeing the effects of her cruelty. But still she heard herself continuing the lie, her heartbreak working like some kind of poison in her system. “He doesn’t…know…I had fallen…in love…with him.”

When he didn’t speak any longer, she couldn’t stop herself from looking back. Sobs rushed to her throat as she saw him staring at her, the bleakness in his eyes devastating. He was gazing at her like it was the very last time he would see the sun, like it was his last moment to live.

“I’m sorry,” Nick whispered. “I don’t expect you to forgive me when I can’t even forgive myself.”

Lilac bit her lip hard, the sobs wanting to explode past her lips. She did not want to be fooled again, did not want to be hurt again.

All around them, people stared and talked, but it was as if she and Nick were inside a glass house, seen but unheard – the pain they shared making them unreachable to everyone else.

It hurt to look at Lilac, it goddamn hurt because every second that he did, he remembered the thousand and one ways she had showed him how much she loved him, and all those thousand and one times he had taken her for granted.