Authors: Bethan Cooper
I need to get home before I have an anxiety attack. My whole body has tensed just from one sad song. I can’t be this weak, I got so far. I feel sweat pour down my face. Luke puts on another song and all that tension and wanting to hurt goes. It feels so much better. I’m calmed immediately. It’s 'Baby
Got Back'. He goes to change the track and I have to stop him.
“No, Luke, I like this song.” So he leaves it and we drive down the long road I was so relaxed driving on earlier.
We drive home with soft songs playing, none of which are making me anxious. I direct him to my house and we laugh and joke all the way. I totally forget about my anxiety attack. I’m glad I controlled it and that he didn’t have to witness it. At least not yet, well, that’s if he wants some kind of relationship with me. If he knew, he would be running for the hills. My illness is forbidden to be spoken about. Sometimes I just have to scream it out, run and scream. It’s so built up, but my pills help me. My mom was heartbroken when she found out what I had done. I was shocked to see her that way. Begging me to stop, pulling at my clothes, sobbing. I just held her. Held her until she stopped.
It’s an
addiction
.
Just one more pill, just one more drink, just one more drag, just one more cut.
We’re all addicted to something, something that takes away the pain. We’re all scared of ourselves. Scared of the inner workings of our own minds. Desperate for an escape, a way out, a release. Living in such a cruel world, we don’t know what to do anymore. We’ve lost sight of who we are. We just indulge in habits that kill us; kills us so sweetly, so sinfully. We take comfort in the pain, it’s familiar, it’s what we know.
Just one more pill, just one more drink, just one more drag, just one more cut.
We’re all addicted to something that takes away the pain, but my pain is still there and nobody knows. It’s hidden. I don’t want to tell Luke, and that’s our fate killed already because of my stupid fucking addiction. When we pull up outside my house, my feelings subside, I feel relaxed, but my palms are sweaty. He stops, puts on the brake, and turns off the ignition. He bows his head.
“Ella, I don’t know what you are feeling right now, but I wish I did. This is going quick. We haven’t even had a date yet and I’m barely broken up from Jenna.”
His words are a whisper. I don’t understand. Now he’s dumping me, again? What? He’s right, we don’t know each other and he’s only just left his ‘hot shot’ beautiful girlfriend. Fuck this. What happened to the Luke that just shared such an intimate experience with me? Did he disappear?
“I think we should slow down. Before one of us gets hurt.”
“Little late for that, don't you think, Luke?” With those words, the destroyed look on his face, combined with the embarrassed look on mine, I pull at my seatbelt and unlock the door. It slams behind me and even makes me jump. I walk as fast as I can towards my front door and I can feel eyes on me.
His eyes.
My bag is too fucking big! I can’t find my keys and the frustration is irritating. I feel a warm hand on my shoulder, which stills me immediately. I turn, and his lips lock with mine. Again, those unsuspected butterflies are released in my body, making my blood run warm and my breath lose itself.
*****
The sun woke me with its light piercing through the tiny gap in my drapes. I squint and smile. The first time in such a long time, I have smiled when waking. I turn, stretch, and look up at my ceiling. Last night my life changed. All my demons were erased by this one single man. He made me feel the impossible, like life was a gift. I have never felt that pleasure of loving life. He has kissed me more than any other man has my entire life and every single time I felt warm and myself.
If he doesn’t choose me, then what should I do? Shall I return to being depressed lonely Ella, surrounded by her haunts and selfish memories?
SHIT! What is the time?
The panic swoons my face and it makes me sit up right. My cell isn’t on my bedside drawer. Where the fuck is my cell? I I’m turning my room upside down, when there is a knock on my door. I’m only in lace panties and a Metallica tee. The doorknob turns and my mom walks in, with Luke by her side. I freeze and blush instantly, I pulling at the hem of my shirt to hide my bare legs. I turn and pick up my blanket from my bed. I cover myself and sit on my dresser to hide my modesty.
“Hi.” I manage.
“Ella, honey, sorry. Luke is here to take you to school?”
“Erm, yeah, er, Mom, can you give us both a minute?” she looks at me puzzled. I give her a reassuring smile and nod my head.
“Okay, darling.” She leaves and shuts the door gently behind her. My mom gets it. She gets what I need. Instantly Luke walks towards me, scoops me up in his arms, and places me on the bed. He moves his hands across my torso up to my face. His lips again meet mine, making all sorts of feelings erupt in me. I move and make the kiss deeper, welcoming. His body is hard against mine, like he’s desperate for my taste. He hardens beneath his jeans and that makes me want him. I have never felt that. We kiss for what feels like an eternity before we break. His hands cover my cheeks and he looks deep into me.
“Hi, beautiful,” he smiles.
“Morning.” I whisper. “What time is it?” He climbs off me and grabs his cell from his jeans. He is sat up right, straddling me. Wearing a tight black T-shirt with light jeans that have those sexy slits in the knees. My God, this man is attractive. He shifts and his hair sweeps across his eyes before he pushes it back. He moves over me and rests his forehead against mine until our lips are just barely touching. The lightening force overpowers us and this sudden urge is undeniable. I need to be with this man. His green eyes pierce mine and a thrill of pleasure ushers over my body.
“It’s 6am.” He whispers against my lips. He lays a gentle kiss on my closed mouth and moves away from me.
No, come back. I suddenly realize I am half-naked laid out on my bed before a man who I barely know. Shit, he’s going to see them. No, no, no. Panic radiates my body and I stumble to my feet.
“Please don't look at me, Luke, please.” I can feel the tears build from within as I scramble to find some clothes.
“Why, Ella, you are beautiful.” I turn to face him and drop my clothes. “No I’m not.” I stutter my words and the tears make me heave.
“Ella, why are you crying? Please, baby, don’t cry. What have I said? Are you okay?” He walks over to me and puts my head in his hands. I instantly look down and away from him.
“Ella, look at me. Please.” I look up to meet his gaze and quickly wipe my eyes. He seems to look genuinely worried about me. Do I need to talk to him? Tell him my deepest secrets? My whole life, the lies, the hate.
“I’m sorry.” My whisper cries with me and I just can’t stop, the valve won’t switch off. I drop to my knees and sob so hard. I just don’t want there to be any problems. Why am I so fucked up? Why am I the problem? Luke follows me to the ground and pulls me onto his lap. He holds me and I feel him breathe me in as I try control my hysteria.
“Ella, I don’t know why you feel this way, or why you are crying, but let me help. Let me in. I know it has only been a couple of days, but I need to know you. You are everything right now. I want to see you. Look at me.” I look to meet his gaze, and I’m sure my eyes are bright pink. His soft hands wipe my tears away and the loose strand of hair is tucked behind my ear. I feel a smile sweep my face and I can feel myself blushing.
“That’s better. You look beautiful, cry face or no cry face.” He smiles at me, a full face of teeth and love. I find myself looking away again.
“Ella, what is it?” He interrogates me further.
“I hurt myself.”
“What, where? Let me see.” I giggle subconsciously and he stares at me, with a confused look spread across his face.
“No, you don’t understand, I hurt myself, Luke. Most days, some days.”
“Ella, I don’t follow, what do you mean you hurt yourself?” Well done Ella, you really have to tell him now, and pray to God that he doesn’t tell anyone.
“I’m a self-harmer.” My words are barely at a whisper. I look at his stunned reaction and stand up. I lift my shirt over my head so that I’m stood naked, except my bra and panties before him. My hair falls down around my shoulders, barely covering my bra. I shuffle my feet and look down at him; his eyes are invading my body, my soul.
I have depression. I have had it since I was thirteen years old. Ever since I started to bloom in high school, I was catapulted into who I am today. A depressed, messed up girl, who constantly looks like hell and has no friends. Who lives here every day with no hopes for tomorrow. Luke, you should go.” I turn, so that my back faces him, and put my shirt back over my head and awkwardly shuffle to find some jeans. I pull them on and open my bedroom door. “Go on, go for fucks sake. You won’t want me now. Just like everybody else.”
“Ella, I-”
I
shake my head and look up at him. “Luke, just save the sympathy, and you can save the emotions, too. You won’t win.”
“Let me speak, God damn it!” His words make me jump and it makes me thankful my parents are two floors below us. The anger in his voice brings back my tears, stinging already sore eyes with the saltiness of them.
“Sorry.” I whisper. He walks towards me and gently lifts my hand from the handle. Slowly shutting the door, he pushes me up to the cold wood and holds both my hands. His eyes penetrate mine and he looks hurt, as his nose grazes mine, he sighs deeply. I take the time to breathe him in.
“I don’t know why you feel that way, I’m sorry you suffered during high school. I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you sooner. I always noticed you, Ella. That’s not even a fucking lie. I know you were in math with me; you always chewed your pen, man that bugged the shit out of me. I noticed when you weren’t in school, when your desk was empty. I always noticed when you were having a bad day. You always wore your hood up if you were sad. You always wore bright colors when you were happy. I know I can’t make you better, but even though your body is covered in faint white lines that show each individual sad time in your life - I still want you, and to be honest, when you took your shirt off I wasn’t looking at the scars. I was looking at you.” He smiles, which then turns into laughter and I find myself joining him. My head gently rests against his shoulder and I memorize him, his warmth. I want to remember this.
“I haven’t ever told anyone. Not even Jade knows, only my family knows.” His eyes again focus solely on me and my heart flutters an unknown feeling. It causes me to catch my breath. His mouth turns into a sexy smile that makes me want to kiss him. His fingers begin to weave through my hair and it’s so soothing. Considering I have no make-up on and look a mess, he is still being so delicate with me.
Oh my God. I have just admitted to a boy who I haven’t even been on a date with yet that I suffer from depression. I sigh and drop my head.
"Shhh, Ella, stop those voices. Look at me." He helps me lift my head and his hands hold my head firmly.
I think I’m falling in love with him. These are the kisses you watch in movies, not real life. His hands are weaving in my hair, touching my cheeks. When he breaks the kiss, he strokes my bottom lip with his thumb and I open my eyes.
“I don’t know if you felt what I just felt right then, Ella, but we both need to try this, just so I can kiss you like that for days, months, years.” I look up and smile at him, our eyes searching each other’s emotions.
We ride to school talking and deciding on a date. My car was outside my house when we left. He had driven it back for me - which I though was insanely sweet, and to my surprise on the driver’s seat laid a single white lily. This again, made me feel deep for him. We pull into the parking lot, with faces starting at us in all directions, invading both of us, desperate for the tiniest bit of gossip.
“Ignore them, Ella.” Luke whispered. He maneuvered the car into a space, which he made look so delicate and turned off the engine.
“Ready to face the lions?” He smiled at me.
With
t
hat,
I had
my
reassura
n
ce
from
h
i
m
and
s
t
epped o
u
t
of
the
car.
It was nothing like he said. School was a nightmare. I didn’t see Luke all day, apart from one time. It was nothing like he said.
I thought that maybe now things would be different. He hadn’t contacted me all day. Not through text or email. He just ignored me. He was standing at a locker with a group of typical high school jocks. All of them laughing and joking. He really fit in and he looked so handsome. I didn’t want to intrude anyway, so what happened shocked me all the more. I was alone, walking the corridor, minding my own business, when they slashed me open with their foul words.
“Ella Smella!” one shouted, which made me look around. I stood staring, dumbfounded, like I'd been punched hard in my gut. All the air escaped my lungs and tears pricked my eyes.
Luke had just made fun of me.
He laughed along with the other guys and I felt my legs want to give way underneath me. My tears began to fall and I turned to walk away. But before I could continue, I mustered some courage from God knows where, and I had to prove something. I stormed over to them as they carried on laughing and pushed Luke hard against a locker. His hands flew up in protest and pushed me away.
“Jesus, Ella, what the hell?”
“You deserve nothing, life isn’t to be fucked with, and it’s a fucking joy. A JOY!” I yelled. “You keep breaking me, watching me snap. You're nothing, Luke. Call me “Ella Smella” again, watch me break. I’m sure it’s fun for all you dicks right now in high school to hurt people like me. People who have been an outcast from day-fucking-one.” He broke me. I feel myself give way and fall to the ground, and again, they all laugh at me. I look up to see Luke acting like everything's okay. This man who made me feel such hope and grace for him this morning has now completely fucked me over to make fun of me. My tears flood my eyes and my body shudders as I breathe in.
“Ella, you’re beautiful.” He says - much to my surprise. I look up to see his face as his hands grab my shoulders and lift me to my feet. The men surrounding us ask Luke what the fuck he was doing.
“Luke, she’s a freak!” one of them says.
“No, she isn’t, she’s an angel in disguise.” His knuckles graze my cheek.
I pull away. Not breaking eye contact, I run as fast as I can in the direction I hope was the exit. I need my car and I didn’t have it. I live four miles away from school and I really didn’t want to run or walk the entire way. It was only half past two, so I was also skipping school.
I end up at my bridge and found my bench. I just sit there thinking of what I want and need. He obviously wanted to prove a point to his friends, that part I understood, but not in that way. I feel humiliation, hurt, and devastation all at once. Then confusion hit me at one hundred miles an hour. I weave my hands in and out of each other trying to think. I rest my head in my hands as my arms lean half bent on my knees. Luke James. This man within less than one hundred hours has captivated me. Captured me and changed my life. I am already feeling love. It hurts; it’s causing me to sweat, to wonder, and to feel guilt. Why is this happening to me? I don’t deserve to be in love with a beautiful, popular guy. It just doesn’t happen to girls like me. I’m sure he isn’t thinking about love. Probably just wants to get into my pants. He can’t be. His gentleness, his kisses that felt like gifts, it felt like he had such a passion to want me, to kiss me.
A shiver moves through me, causing my skin to break out in goose pimples. I look to my left, then my right, hoping that maybe he followed me.
There is a woman at the other end of the bridge. I look away, and she doesn’t move.
She’s just standing there.
The feeling of fear starts cursing my veins, searing my heart. I sit, afraid to move. What if it’s the girl from the other night? What if it’s Sarah? I look slowly to my left and she was still there. I look back with my eyes shut and inhale deeply. With courage I didn’t realize I had, I stand slowly to my feet.
“Stop, Ella, don’t walk away, I just want to talk to you.” Her voice doesn't match the voice I heard last night and every muscle in my body relaxes. I still didn’t know who she was. I turn to face her and she looks shaded, lost. A spitting image of me two years ago. It makes me feel sad to see someone like this.
“Who are you?” I ask, trying to cover up the remainder of my fear.
“My name is Sarah. I’m sure you have heard of me.”
Fuck. I watch as she tucks a loose strand of long golden hair behind her ear. Her eyes are dark, the circles underlining them taking away the aspect of her true beauty. She’s stick thin, she looks unwell, and her clothes hang off her like a garbage bag would. Her eyes don’t leave mine as she speaks to me. I'm afraid she might hurt me, but looking at her, I highly doubt it.
“Yes, Sarah, I have heard of you, what do you want?” I try to make it sound as un-threatening as possible. I'm pissed that she thought she could just follow me and scare me, but at the same time, she had some kind of aura that made me feel almost sorry for her. Clinging to her hoody like it was sacred. It was definitely a letterman jacket and I had an inkling to why she had it.
“I have come to see you as a warning, and as a fellow lover of Luke’s.”
Fellow lover?
My heart sank as those words escaped from her mouth. I watched her expression as she studied mine. The tension was building; I could feel myself getting wound up and my anxiety-kicking in.
“You attacked me, Sarah. Why are you back? Luke and I aren’t together either. So I have no idea why you did that to me.”
“Attacked you? I didn’t attack you, Ella.”
My body shudders in response. Who the fuck attacked me then?
“You didn’t? Then who did? Sarah, what are you doing here?” My nerves responded and I start to shake. Her eyes were a piercing bright green color. They remind me of someone who had felt pain and loss.
“I’m here to warn you.” Her voice is stern and arrogant.
“What do you mean warn me? About what?” My face twists into a puzzled look and my left eyebrow cocks in response. Her smile makes me want to run up to her and hit her straight in the face. How dare she become cocky with me!
“Luke, he’s still in love with me.” The giggle that escapes her mouth makes me even angrier towards her. I’m not having this girl who ruined Luke’s life threaten me with her lies.
“Oh really? Then why is he seeing me?” After listening to me say these words she tutted so loud I could feel my blood begin to boil.
“He’s not all over you, you don’t know what you’re talking about. He was fucking me last night and the night before.” She says this with such arrogance and certainty; her smile still captures her face. It makes my stomach sick, and the tears were filling up that dam that has become all too familiar recently.
“You’re lying! He was with me after I was attacked.” I could barely hide the quivering sob coming from my mouth.
“What time?”
“About ten until midnight. Sarah, listen, it doesn't bother me if you were having sex with Luke. We are not together.” What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. I can’t tell her I feel I'm falling in love with him, but what she doesn’t know is that my heart is slowly breaking. How could he? He spoke those beautiful words to me. He’s seen my body. FUCK. He’s seen me bared naked to him. My whole body starts to shake with adrenaline. Adrenaline that wants to fight back at Luke.
“He was with me before he came and got you, and he came back to me at one am. He told me he was going to help a friend out and that he’d be back later.” She smiles a sweet smile out of the corner of her mouth and looks down at her feet like she was remembering something.
“Sarah, he told me you and him were separated. Done, over. Are you telling me you are both still together?”
“We are not together, but we are still fucking.” Again, her giggle irritates me.
“Can you stop calling it that please? Have some respect for yourself, God. Sarah, I’m not interested in what you, or any of his exes, have to say. I am my own person. I’m liable to sleep with whoever I want. Be whoever I want-”
“One sec, Luke's calling me.”
“Hey, Luke, yeah sure, baby.... why not...Like the other night?.. Sure, let’s talk.” She hung up the phone and a sadistic, twisted grin appeared on her face. My stomach churned and I thought I was going to be sick.
“See you later, Ella. Remember what I said.” She starts to laugh and walks away.
“Whatever, Sarah.” I whisper, barely audible. I split in two; my hands hold my nauseous stomach. My head bows and my tears land onto the concrete. I stand slowly, wipe my eyes, and feel sheer anger. I scramble through my jean pocket and ring Luke's number.
“Hello?” His voice is beautiful. I shut my eyes at it; it hurts so much to hear. I just want to see him.
“Fuck you.”
“Ella?” I just held the phone to my ear to listen for the next lot of words, but I jumped down his throat before he’d even gotten the chance.
“Keep screwing your ex, forget me, Luke. Forget this shit.” I slammed the phone shut before I could hear a reply, because I knew I would just fall to his feet if I heard him speak one more time. I straighten up and wipe my eyes. My body becomes immediately anxious and I try to regulate my breathing. I start to walk in the direction of home, trying to forget the shit I just heard. When I reach my house, Luke’s Mercedes is sitting outside. I decide against going indoors and continue to walk down the street I knew all too well. I duck when it came to walking past the house and scatter my way to the other side of the road. I won’t take this shit. I deserve love, not someone who wants to screw around with his leftovers. I can’t help but know I already have some kind of deep feelings for him. It won’t shift or leave me alone. It’s followed me around all day and that’s why it’s hurt me. Why I have wanted to cry. I barely know him so It doesn’t matter if I have feelings or not. He’s nothing to me. I walk up to a house with a beautiful white picket fence, gazing for a little while, remembering. It’s a house, the house where my life stopped living.
“Ella?” I turn to face the lady whose voice saved me once.
“Oh hey, Mrs. Wilson.” She hasn’t changed since the day I met her. Her beautiful blonde hair sits neatly in a messy bun on her head. Her deep brown eyes always made me smile, and I couldn’t help but smile right now. I rub my eyes, conscious of my unbidden tears.
“You okay sweetheart?” She asks, curiosity on her mind.
“Yeah fine, sorry I’m intruding.” I say and turn to leave.
“Not at all, darling. I told you you’re welcome to come around whenever you want. Always.” She smiles so sweetly at me it almost makes me burst into tears. I miss this woman.
“Thanks,” I whisper. I try my hardest to hide my emotions but I can't. There are just too many memories.
“Want a soda?” She asks kindly, sweetly.
I decide to take a chance and see the house one last time. Nothing else could hurt me today.
“Yeah sure, I’ll be fine.”
“Me too.” Her face reminds me of him so much it hurts. I follow her into the beautiful white house. It still has its red shutters and a veranda that surrounds the entire house. It makes me sad to think that I once sat on one of the old armchairs, chatting away with my best friend. We walk inside and it's exactly how I remember. The walls are painted cream with portraits of family members scattered around. She leads me to the kitchen where the table that I used to have regular dinners still sat in its place. It is white pinewood and the chairs match. I couldn't help it; I ran my fingers along the edge. I pull out my usual chair and take a seat.
“I miss this house.” I murmur. “I’m so sorry, I don’t visit much.”
“Ella, it’s fine, darling. I understand.” She hands me a root beer and takes a seat next to me. She places her hand on mine and tilts her head to the side. I look down at my drink and can’t hide how upset I am. ”I’m sorry, Mrs. Wilson, there are too many memories here, but I do miss it so much, even if just to get away.”
“Ella, angel, I told you, you are welcome whenever you like. You were the love of my boy’s life. Don’t you ever forget that!” She wipes her eyes and looks deep into mine. “He loved you, Ella, we all love you, and you lit up our house on a cloudy day-”
“You chased the rain away” I smile at the familiar words created for me with this family.
“How is everyone? Alex, Georgie?” I ask, trying to detour the conversation from sadness.
“They’re fine, Ella. Alexandra has now gone to college to study psychology. Gee is at high school. How are you?” She takes a long drink.
“I’m okay, I wasn’t, but I am now. I promise.” I gave her a reassuring smile and nudged her arm with mine. “I ought to get home. Thanks for the drink, Mrs. Wilson. I’ll see you again soon?” I won't, but a white lie will have to do.
“Sure, honey, there is some stuff we need to sort in Jamie’s room. Some stuff that’s yours, and y’know, magical memories.” Her eyes are so sad, so deeply wounded.
“Sure, I’ll come round when I can.” As I slowly shut the front door to the house with my childhood memories, I lean against it, break down, and sob to myself.