Never Let Go (Take My Hand) (13 page)

“Doll, they’ve not known each other that long.
If
there’s something going on, maybe
they just want to figure out where it’s going between themselves before they
get everyone else involved.” I opened my mouth to reply but all that came out
was a petulant huff. “I’ll take your silence as you realising that I’m right,”
he said with a satisfied smirk.

“Whatever,” I tossed back. Because that’s what children
do when they’ve ran out of comebacks. And yes, I was well aware I was behaving
like a child. “Let’s go home. I’m knackered and we’ve got a long day tomorrow.”

“You’re cute when you’re angry, doll.”

I huffed again. He always says that and he knows damn
well it riles me when I’m in this mood, and I suspect that’s exactly why he
does it.

Dexter

“
Who
the fuck is that?” I groaned,
sitting up in bed and rubbing my eyes. I glanced at the clock – 07:00 am
– and someone was bashing shit out of the front door. “It’s practically
still the middle of the night.”

“You’d be up by now if you had work,” Emily mumbled
through a yawn, stretching her arms over her head.

“But I’m on vacation, which means it’s night time.
Whoever it is can fuck off,” I decided, settling back down in bed and draping
my arm over Emily’s waist. Less than a second passed before the knocking
started again, shortly followed by the sound of Emily’s cell ringing on the
nightstand. Rolling over, she picked it up and then turned the screen towards
me with a smile. Snickers’ face lit up the screen. It was from way back when
she had blue hair and a ring in her nose.

“Let us in!” Emily moved the phone away from her ear,
wincing as Snickers’ voice bellowed down the line – so damn loud and
screechy even
I
could hear.

“Gimme two,” Emily replied before swiping the call to
an end.

“What the fuck?” I complained. “They’re here already?”

“Yep,” Emily confirmed with a smile that told me she
wasn’t surprised by their eagerness. Emily crawled out of bed and threw on her
robe from the back of the door. I followed suit, and then trailed down the
stairs behind her.

“It’s holiday time!”

“Fucking hell, Snickers, it’s too early for all that
singing shit.”

“You’d better get used to it, American – you’ve
got a whole week of me!” she said, winking at me as Jared tipped her chair over
the front step and into the living room.

“I thought we were picking you up from your mum and dad’s
when we had the minibus?” Emily questioned. In the meantime Jared shot me a
look that silently said ‘sorry, dude,’ before he headed back outside to grab
their suitcases from the street.

“I couldn’t wait that long. I’m too excited!”

Man this is gonna be one long ass week.

“Okay, well you guys help yourselves to whatever you
want from the kitchen – I’m heading upstairs to shower and get dressed.”

“You got any Pot Noodles in?” Snickers asked.

“That’s gross,” I piped up. “It’s seven in the fucking
morning.”

“Well how about you don’t have one then, crusty cock.”

I surrendered my palms, smiling at her. It was way too
early for a back and forth session with Snickers.

“They’re in the kitchen in the cupboard next the
fridge,” Emily replied, shaking her head and smiling. “They’re high up. Jared
you’ll need to get them.”

“No probs, sugar.”

And that was the end of the conversation, leaving
Emily and I free to go and get ready… and maybe even have a quick play in the
shower.

**********

After our shower together (which I’m sure you can
imagine involved more than just cleaning ourselves), Emily dressed pretty
quickly for a chick, and then headed downstairs to do her hair, seeing as she
packed the hairdryer last night and left it downstairs with the rest of our
things. I was just pulling my shirt on when I heard a crash in the bathroom.
Immediately I flew towards the noise, where I found Chris leaning against the
sink surrounded by shattered glass on the floor.

“What happened?” I asked in a panic. “You okay, man?”

“Just felt dizzy for a second. Knocked Emmie’s perfume
off the counter. She’s going to kill me – she loves that shit.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s the tumor that’s going to kill
you, dude – not your sister,” I said, bumping his shoulder.

“Thanks, mate. You’ve no idea how much it means to me
that you don’t treat me any differently. I… well I kind of love you, Dex.” My
heart sank, and so fuck the fact I was only an erection away from turning gay,
I wrapped Chris in my arms and held him as tight as I fucking could.

“Love you too, man,” I agreed, patting his shoulder.
“But you should know, if that’s a fucking boner I can feel pressing into me
I’ll punch your fucking lights out,” I added jokingly, knowing damn well it was
the knot tying his robe closed. “You sure you’re up to this trip?” I asked,
turning the air serious as I pulled away from our bromantic embrace.

“I honestly don’t know,” he admitted. “But I wouldn’t
miss it for anything. This is probably the last holiday I’m ever going to have
– the last chance I’ll get to spend quality time with Emmie without work
and real life getting in the way.”

“I get it,” I said, but I guess it was a lie. How the
fuck could I even begin to get what this guy is going through. “Look, go down
and grab some breakfast. I’ll clean this glass up and then you can come and get
ready.”

“You sure?”

“I’m sure.”

“Thanks, Dex. For everything.” Well fuck if that
didn’t make me want to cry like damn girl.

“Anytime, dude.”

**********

“Seriously guys I need a wee so badly.”

Blackpool is an hour drive away from our house, but
with Snickers’ pee breaks it’d already been two. Swallowing down the huff I
wanted to let out, I drove in silence until we reached the next service
station.

“Thank fuck,” Snickers breathed when I put the minivan
in park. Jared climbed out first and then helped Rachel out and into her chair.
Emily got out next and in line with the protocol for our last five stops, she
accompanied Snickers to the bathroom.

“Man, how the hell do you live with a pregnant chick
all the time?”

“She sucks good cock,” Jared replied before winking. I
clambered out of my seat too, stretching my legs by walking around the van a
few times. Chris stayed where he was, leaning his head against the window and
looking too exhausted to even speak let alone walk.

He’s going down fast and sometimes it’s so
overwhelming I feel like I’m being crushed.

“We got drinks!” Snickers chimed, carrying a cardboard
tray of steaming Styrofoam cups on her lap.

“I think fluid is the
last
thing you need,” I told her. “At this rate it’ll be time to
come home by the time we get there.”

“Shut your gob, American or your balls’ll be getting a
bath in this boiling hot coffee.”

“I’d remember who’s driving,” I shot back. “As the
driver, it’s me who gets to decide whether you get to piss in your panties or a
service station bathroom.”

“If you do that Emily will withdraw sex for a month!”

“Emily can’t go without me for a single day… Your
threat means shit to me, babe.”

“Chicks before dicks, mate. She’ll always choose me
first.”

“Ask her that tonight when she’s screaming my name.”

“Um, okay, guys. I’m
right
here. Think you can quit arguing over
my
sex life?” Emily interrupted, blushing furiously. She’s fucking
perfect.

“Oh I wasn’t arguing, doll. I was stating a fact.”

“Ugh, Em… I think you need to rethink your future with
this mould-infested dickwart.”

And on that note, we all got back in the van, laughing
as we did. My friends are awesome – even Snickers. They make me feel good
– happy, normal… They give me something to fight for. Along with Emily,
there’s no way I would ever risk fucking this life up by succumbing to a line
– no matter how tempting it might be at times. These guys are my family,
and I’m not ashamed to admit I love the hell out of each and every one of ‘em.

**********

“This place smells like old lady piss,” Snickers
grumbled as we made our way down the hall to find our ground floor rooms.

“It’s a B&B, saffy. What did you expect for twenty
quid a night?” Jared answered, wrinkling his own nose up. Emily and I both told
Jared to book him and Snickers in someplace nicer – he can afford it, we
can’t. But Rachel insisted where Emily stays, she stays. So here we were
– in a grimy bedsit with peeling wallpaper, stained carpets and a lady on
reception who looked like she’d rip me a new asshole if I dared complain about
anything.

“It’ll be fine,” Emily chirped - the voice of reason
as always. “We’ll hardly be here anyway. We’ll be too busy having fun.”

“Hmm,” Snickers said, narrowing her eyes. “Okay, ho,
we’ll go and unpack and get changed and meet in your room in an hour?”

“Sure. Sounds like a plan. Chris, are you coming in
our room for a bit?”

“Nah, I’m going to take a lie down. I’ll set my alarm
and meet you in your room with the others.”

As usual Chris looked beat. The past few days I’ve
noticed the wrinkles deepening in his skin, and in some lights it makes his
face look like it’s made of leather. It’s fucking soul destroying watching
somebody you care about deteriorate right in front of you. I’ve never had a
brother, but if I could’ve chosen one it would’ve be somebody just like Chris.

Chris

When
my alarm went
off I wanted to smash the damn thing into a million pieces. I didn’t want to
wake up. I was exhausted. Every time I moved, my head felt it was going to
explode, and lately whenever I’ve tried to walk it feels like my limbs are
seizing up. However, the light knock on my door reminded me exactly why I had
to push past the pain and get my arse into the room next door. This was likely
my last chance to spend quality time with my family and I was determined to
enjoy it.

“Hey, man,” Dexter said quietly once I’d summoned
enough energy to get out of bed and answer the door. “Just wanted to check on
you. If you don’t feel up to tonight everyone will understand.”

“Did Emmie send you round?”

“No. I was sent out to grab some food,” he explained
while lifting the carrier bag in his hand. “I just don’t want you taking on too
much. Em and Snickers are pretty hyped up and I can’t imagine that will do your
headache much good.”

“They sound happy.” I didn’t realise I’d said the
thought out loud until Dexter nodded in agreement. “I need to see them happy,
Dex. I need to make the most of this time away with you all.” Again he just
nodded. I like that about Dexter. I like how he doesn’t get all soppy on my
arse and bizarrely I feel like he’s the only one I can really share everything
with.

In the beginning I often tortured myself with the
thought I was doing the wrong thing by Emily. On paper I should despise him.
He’s got more baggage than an airport carousel, he broke my sisters heart and
he openly admits he still struggles every day not to pick up a bottle or
something stronger. If I’m completely honest with myself I gave him a second
chance because Emmie loves him and I knew I didn’t have the time to see her
settled with anyone else. So yeah, that probably makes me a selfish prick
– I should want only the very best for my baby sister, right?

But that’s the thing. Dexter
is
the best thing for her. I don’t quite know how it happened but
the guy has become my very best friend. It sounds bizarre seeing as I haven’t
actually known him that long but I already think of him as a brother. Sure,
he’s got demons, but he fights them head on every fucking day and I can only
admire him for that.

Under all the layers of shit he’s been through, he’s a
great guy underneath. I don’t always think he sees that himself but it’s the
truth. I’ll never know the ending to his and Emmie’s story but I
do
know that he would give up his life
to protect her. He adores her… I’ve never actually seen two people so fiercely
in love before. I don’t need anything else from him. He’ll keep my sister safe.
I
know
he will.

And if he doesn’t, I’ll haunt the fucker for all
eternity and he bloody well knows it.

“How’s the pain today?” He asks me this several times
a day – just like everyone else. The only difference is, I tend to be
honest with Dexter rather than playing it down to avoid worrying people.

“Bad,” I admitted. “Really fucking bad.”

“Well just let me know if it gets too much. I’ll make
an excuse for you and you can go lie down or something.”

“Thanks, mate.”

Dexter waited for me while I pulled my shoes back on
and grabbed my jacket, and then we headed to the room next door together.

“I got chips and soda!” Dexter called into the room
upon opening the door. Raising the bag in his hands he went on to hand everyone
a bag of crisps and a bottle of Coke. Emmie and Jared smiled gratefully at
Rachel… well Rachel was Rachel.

“Argh! Damn you and your stupid American words!” she
scolded before forcing out an exaggerated huff. “I thought you’d bought
actual
chips! I’m bloody starving over
here. How the hell is a bag of crisps supposed to feed me
and
two babies?”

“After the size of the Subway you had for lunch, I
don’t think your babies are gonna starve,” Dexter shot back with a smirk.

“We’re going out for dinner soon anyway, saffy,” Jared
reasoned. “This’ll do to tide us over till then.”

Again Rachel huffed, causing each and every one of us
to laugh at her.

“Fuck you. All of you.”

**********

With Dexter’s tendencies to get addicted to shit and
the fact Rach is pregnant, we steered clear of bars and pubs and walked along
the front of the beach, eating fish and chips instead. I had a little sombre
moment with myself when I realised I’d been on my last pub-crawl. I’d probably
had my last alcoholic drink without knowing at the time, and when I saw groups
of friends spilling out of various bars without a care in the world I couldn’t
help the stab of regret I felt in my chest.

I’ll never have that again.

“What the fuck…” Rachel mumbled to herself, hiding her
face in her hands. Instinctively we all looked around and that’s when we caught
sight of Jared strolling out of a joke shop sporting a pair of rubber tits and
one of those headbands kids wear at Halloween that make it look like you’ve got
a bloody knife passing through your skull. He blended in perfectly with the
groups of drunken mates and hen and stag parties swarming the pavement. The
only difference was that Jared was stone cold sober.

He made his way over to us holding two raised thumbs
in front of him. I can’t say I really know this guy all that well but I
couldn’t have picked anyone better for Rachel.

“How cool are these bad boys?” he asked, proudly
cupping his fake tits and then squeezing the nipples. Dexter is usually a
pretty serious soul so I think it surprised all of us when he bent down and
teased a rubber nipple with his tongue.

“Hmmm,” he said. “I’ve tasted better.” And then he
winked at my sister and I almost threw up right there in between the arcade and
the joke shop.

“Dex!” I scolded. “That’s my sister!”

“Sorry, man,” he muttered, sniggering.

“Well I’m knackered so I think we’ll head back,”
Rachel announced. “Plus I’m too embarrassed to be seen out in public with this
dicktard,” she added, rolling her eyes in Jared’s direction.

“We’ll come too,” Emmie said. “We’ve got all week to
explore, we don’t need to fit everything in tonight.”

“Actually, Emmie…” I interrupted. “I was hoping you’d
take a walk with me.”

“Umm, okay,” she agreed, nervously pursing her
eyebrows together. “Are you okay?”

“Apart from the fact I’m dying, sure.” I smiled at her
and she tutted at me. She doesn’t like me making a joke out of the situation
but if I don’t I will spend the rest of my days rocking back forth and crying
into my knees.

“Guess I’ll see you back at the hotel,” Dexter said to
Emmie, bending to kiss her. When I saw the flash of his tongue I looked away
and forced out a cough.

“Hotel?” Rachel snapped. “You call that flea infested
shithole a hotel?”

“Jesus, Snickers, are you capable of doing
anything
but whine lately?”

“Depends on the company,” she shot back. Then,
smiling, she turned to head back in the direction of the B&B. Jared took
hold of her wheelchair handles and started pushing her along, and then Dexter
clapped me on the back before joining them on their way.

**********

I bought a bag of freshly baked donuts for me and
Emmie to eat on the way to find somewhere to sit. You
have
to eat hot donuts in Blackpool. It’s like an unwritten law.
After just a couple of minutes strolling along the seafront we found an empty
bench in front of the rail that guarded the beach, overlooking the dark,
rippling sea.

“Remember that time Dad dug a hole in the sand for you
so you could take a shit?”

“
What?
That
did not happen,” she denied, shaking her head in disgust. “Did it?”

“You were only three. Olivia was a tiny baby and
Jocelyn was busy changing her nappy so she asked Dad to find you a toilet.
There were none in sight and before he could take off looking you were
screaming the damn beach down saying you were going to poo in your knickers. So
he took you behind some steps leading down to the sand, dug a hole and… well
you get the rest.”

“Oh my God! What if a little kid decided to build his
sandcastle there afterwards?”

“Then he’d have gotten some free mortar to help stick
his sand together.”

“Eww!” Emmie laughed and I took a moment just to watch
her. I committed everything to memory – the way her dimples come out to
play, the way she scrunches her nose up and squeezes her eyes shut. It was
almost like I’d taken a photo of her and stored it in my brain. When I closed
my eyes I could see her sitting there with the sea breeze sending her red hair
flying in all different directions, and sporting the wide smile that made her
look just like our Mum. That right there was how I want to remember my little sister.
Happy. Laughing. Not by the sadness that will weigh her pretty features down
when the end comes.

“I remember when you stopped coming with us.” The
second she said it my heart sank. “It wasn’t that long after Livvie died, maybe
a year, so you’d have been like sixteen or something. Obviously way too old and
cool to come to the beach with your family.” She smiled as if she was joking but
her dimples didn’t come out so I knew whatever she was thinking made her sad.
“It was never the same. I didn’t get to go to the beach anymore. Jocelyn was
busy with her charity functions and Dad would just keep us in the hotel room
watching the free kids telly.”

“Emmie,” I breathed – guilt clogging my throat.
“If I’d known… if you’d have told me how hard they were on you…I-I-”

“You couldn’t have done anything, Chris. They were my
parents, you couldn’t have taken me away or anything.”

“I could
when I was older. When
you
were
older. At the very least I could’ve knocked some fucking sense into Dad.”

“It wasn’t
that
bad.
It’s not like I was abused or anything. I had the best of everything –
big bedroom, big TV in my room, big collections of whatever I wanted.”

“But you weren’t happy. Every kid should be happy.”

“No,” she agreed with a sigh. “No I wasn’t. But I
refuse to sit here wishing things had been different. Life is too short to
obsess over the past. It’s done. Gone. I’ll never get those years back so why
bother going over them in my head. The only thing that will do is waste time I
could’ve been spending in the present. If there’s one thing the last couple of
months has taught me it’s that the past is gone and the future might not come.
Today is all that matters.”

“When did you get all grown up on me, eh?”

Emmie smiled coyly up at me, and then rummaged through
the white paper bag in her hand and plucked out another donut.

“Are you scared?” Whoa… that came out of nowhere. I
sighed deeply while I wondered whether to tell the truth or not.

“Not scared… more nervous I guess. I’ve accepted that
I’m dying and I’m not scared to not exist anymore, but I can’t help wondering
if it will be painful, or how long it will last. The thing that bothers me the
most though is having to leave
you
…
and Dex too.”

“You’ve really taken to each other,” she stated, with
what can only be described as a proud smile.

“Yeah. He’s a good guy. I was wary at first after
everything he’d been through and everything he’d put
you
through. But… now that I know him I understand his choices on
some level. I know he loves you and he’ll take care of you, so that alone makes
him one of the most important people in my life.”

“He
will
take
care of me. And I’ll take care of him.” I smiled and reached beside me to take
hold of her hand. “I don’t want this to be happening, Chris. I know that’s so
selfish of me to say, because I know it’s not your choice, but…
I’m
scared. Not nervous like you… I’m
downright terrified. I’ve always come to you for everything. You’re like two
parents, a brother and a best friend all rolled into one. I feel like I’ll be
nothing without you.”

“That’s not true, Emmie. You have Dexter now –
it’s
him
you need to turn to.
Whenever you’re stuck he’ll set you free again. Once I’m gone, you need to
focus on the people you still have – the people who love you. I want you
to promise me you’ll do that for me, Emmie. Promise me you’ll keep going.”

“I-I…I promise.” I stared at the lone tear as it
dripped from her eye and slithered down her cheek before dropping onto the
lapel of her jacket. Pulling her into me, I wrapped my arms around her back and
squeezed her tightly with all the strength my weakening body held.

“I love you, Emmie,” I whispered into her hair.

“I love you too,” she said back, sniffling into my
shirt.

Then, we stayed like that for God knows how long
– cuddling each other as the sea breeze whipped our faces, while my
silent tears started swimming down my face, straight into Emmie’s red curls.

I’m
going to miss you…

**********

The last day of our holiday rolled around too soon. As
exhausted as I was, I would miss seeing everyone so happy. I knew once we got
back home, reality would continue. I’d have more hospital appointments, more
solicitors meetings, more NVQ assessors showing up at the garage. But at least
I’ve got this week to remember. It’s been amazing, despite the pain, exhaustion
and sickness. It’s been a week filled with laughter –
lots
of laughter. A week of seeing smile
after smile on Emmie’s face. A week of listening to Rachel rip the piss out of
her boyfriend and a week of almost forgetting I had this murdering tumour
eating away at my brain.