Nepenthe (Bracing for Love #2) (13 page)

Olivia: Haha :) You're talking to a genius, remember?

It took me an hour to text her. Within three texts, she's made me smile twice. Part of me wants her to come over in hopes I'll feel a little better, breathe a little easier, and sleep soundly. Part of me wants to kiss her again, to escape from this that way. Part of me is happy with texting.

Me: I remember.

Olivia: Why did you text me?

The dark clouds are turning ominous, taunting me, drawing me in. I don't want to be captured. I don't want to sink and drown. I don't want to feel like this.

I want help.

Me: Come over?

After remembering she called me a lazy texter, I send another.

Me: Will you come over?

What if she says no? I quickly type out one more message.

Me: Please?

And then I wait.

Two minutes pass before I faintly hear my door open. Seconds later, she's walking into my room. I swallow hard at seeing her in pajama pants and a thin tank top that reveals the frigid temperatures she was in as she crossed the hall. Olivia climbs in next to me, wasting no time before cuddling up to me.

I pull her closer, running a hand down her back to help warm her up.

“You said please.” Her voice is quiet to match the silence surrounding us.

“Mark it in your calendar.”

“I already did. Tell me what happened with Dr. Stewart. You can take all the time you need, but you're talking.”

Not in the least surprised by this. Maybe that's why I invited her over. “He pissed me off.”

She giggles. “I figured. It's not hard to do, Corey.”

Poking her once in the side, I say playfully, “Keep those comments to yourself.”

“Okay,” she agrees. “He said he pushed you. How? About what?”

“What do you think?”

“I want you to tell me.” Olivia lifts her head to look at me, resting her chin on my shoulder. “You have to say it. Me guessing or confirming what I already know won't do you any good. It's only me, Corey.”

It is only her, I know this. She's the only one who could get away with what she does and what she says. Somehow, for some reason, I trust her and I'm comfortable with her. Closing my eyes to avoid her gaze, I recount what happened.

“He wanted to know if I made an appointment with the therapist and why I hadn't. I stupidly thought if I told him that I was talking to you instead, he'd drop it and give me the prescription already. He didn't.” This is like walking thigh-deep in mud. Even telling her this is hard. Deep breaths, I remind myself. After a large one, I keep going. “He wanted to talk to you, to see how I was really doing. I said no because I just told him. I wasn't lying either.

“He asked if I wanted help and I said that had nothing to do with you. The ass wanted to know why I was having trouble when he already knows.”

“You told him?” Olivia sounds skeptical.

“No. He's an SU alum and keeps up with sports there. That's how.”

“Did you tell him today?”

Running my free hand over my face, I take another long inhale and exhale. Shit doesn't help at all either. “When I didn't answer him...” This is even worse than talking about my injury directly. “When I didn't answer him,” I start again. “He said...”

Olivia's now-warm fingers cup my cheek and turn my head towards her. Reluctantly, I open my eyes. “What did he say?” she whispers.

There's strength in her eyes. Strength I don't have myself, but it's like she's loaning me hers. I take it. I grasp it eagerly, hold on tight, and swallow it whole. My gaze locks on hers as I finally say it.

“Tell me why you're depressed, Corey.' I said something smart to him, but he just watched me. And I erupted.” My eyes sting like I'm going to cry and I hate myself for it. Olivia waits for me to continue, but I don't. I can't. My throat hurts, water is on the brink of my eyes, and I want to forget about all of it.

Just for a little while.

Olivia is here and in my bed. I've kissed her before. I can do it again.

With no hesitation, I press my lips to hers, pulling her closer. She's caught off guard at first, but then she kisses me back. Her lips, her tongue, her mouth can make me forget. I roll us over so I'm on top of her, pressing into her. My hands run down her sides and God, she feels like a piece of heaven.

“Corey,” she breathes as I kiss her neck, sucking on the skin just below her ear. But then I feel her hands on my shoulders and she pushes me away. “Corey, not like this.” Her voice is barely a whisper of rejection. “You can't use me like this.”

She's right. I was going to use her.

I'm such a prick.

As I bring my arms up to frame the sides of her head, I press my forehead into the pillow next to her. My voice surprises me with how hoarse and raw it is. “I'm sorry.”

She wraps her arms around my neck in a strong hug. “I forgive you.”

Her words sink into my skin, relaxing me inch by inch. Every emotion possible chooses that moment to overwhelm me. I lost it. I lost the only thing left that was
mine
. I lost the only dream left of my parents that
I
could fulfill for them. I lost the only thing that kept me sane, that kept me from sinking into depression.

I lost everything.

And now, I'm buried beneath the weight of it all, pinned with no way out.

A tear falls. Then another, until my eyes are like freaking waterfalls. Olivia tightens her hold on me, a reminder that she's here. Her silence is my comfort until the crying stops.

“Talk to me,” she says softly.

My head shakes. “I can't. I don't.” I squeeze my eyes closed, hating how my voice is raspy.

“You can and you do. We did this morning, remember?”

This is different. I'm not sure how exactly, but it is. I start vomiting words, forcefully chucking them up without much of a choice.

“My dad wanted me to be in the NFL, he believed I had the talent. He died, so I really wanted to do that for him and for me. I loved football. Then after they died, I needed it to survive, so that for a few hours, I could pretend they were in the stands cheering me on. So that on days when all I wanted to do was hide under my blankets in bed, I could forget that I had to be strong. I wanted to forget they died. I wanted to forget that as I grew older, it was harder to stay happy.

“I wanted to forget how on some days, for no apparent reason, I was so torn up. I wanted to forget it was a struggle to not feel as if I was falling apart. I wanted to forget I'm why my siblings feel as if they can't talk about them. I wanted to forget that I'm not strong like he wanted me to be for them. I wanted to forget that I could and would spiral over something I shouldn't.

“Football let me forget, Olivia. It gave me a purpose and a reason to fight through it. Now, it's gone and I'm lost. I'm so fucking lost without it and I can't handle it. I don't know
how
, Olivia. I don't know if I
can
. And it just hurts so bad. I want it back. I want it back more than anything else in the world. There wasn't a backup plan. There wasn't even a thought of the possibility. In a second, I lost the one thing keeping me together, the one thing I loved as much as my siblings.

“And I can't breathe enough to know what to do without it. I can't focus. I can't think. I can't get out of bed. I can't talk. I can't get a decent sleep. I can't breathe, Olivia. I can't breathe and I can't forget.”

My breathing hitches, coming faster as the panic sets in. Everything I needed that helped me live is gone. There's no way to get it back. There's no replacement. My breaths are short and labored.

“Corey, calm down,” Olivia tells me in a soothing voice. I'm gasping for air when she forces me to look at her, cupping her hands on my cheeks. “Corey,” she says sternly. “Breathe.”

I shake my head. I can't.

“You're hyperventilating. Breathe with me.”

She inhales for five seconds and then exhales. I focus on her chest pressing into mine and the steady stream of air hitting my face as it leaves her mouth. Slowly, I regain control. Her fingers swipe over my cheeks and I realize I was crying again. Rolling back to my side, Olivia does the same and watches me. It's too dark to read her expression and my vision is too blurry anyway.

Olivia moves closer to rest her face against my chest, intertwines her legs with mine, throws an arm around my waist, and squeezes once. I hold her to me, waiting for her to speak. She has to say something. I
need
her to say something. Anything.

Finally, she does. “You can find your way back, Corey. You'll learn better methods and you'll get through this. I'll help and make sure of it.”

I don't know why, but I believe her. When my eyes close, I'm able to fall asleep within minutes.

A COUPLE OF days pass without any more crying sessions. Olivia has been keeping a close watch on me thanks to that night, the new medication, and every other reason she can think of. And maybe I got a little ahead of myself, but I quit my job at the club. No two-weeks notice, no I'm sorry, just I quit. Honestly, it felt good. Olivia shook her head and told me I could have been nicer and gave them notice. I rolled my eyes at her.

I haven't talked to her much today, so I cross the hall to her apartment. Before I knock, I lift the corner of the doormat. No spare key. Hm. Where does the genius keep hers, then? I knock and frown, my muscles automatically tensing when Ben answers the door. What's his excuse for opening it this time?

“Hey,” he smiles, because that's what people do when they answer doors.

I don't reciprocate. “Where's Olivia?”

“In her room taking a phone call. Who are you again?” Like he deserves to know who I am.

Bumping into his shoulder, I walk into her apartment to wait for her. The bar in the kitchen has papers and textbooks all over it.

“Man, I don't know who you are or if you should be in here,” he starts, as if I'm a crazy guy here to harm Olivia.

I turn to face him, crossing my arms over my chest. “I'm her neighbor. I've been here plenty of times.” Am I pissed because he's sort of concerned for her or appreciative that he doesn't want just anyone waltzing into her apartment? Why is she even tutoring him here? She doesn't tutor anyone else here. Only him. Reluctantly, I hold out my hand. Where the hell is Olivia? I don't want to socialize. “Corey,” I say anyway.

“Ben.” He seems skeptical of me still.

“Corey?” Thank God, because I had no clue what else I was supposed to say to him. She walks over to us and glances between us before settling on me. “What are you doing over here?”

“I came to see you.” Why else would I leave my apartment?

“Obviously,” she laughs. “Ben, this is Corey. Corey, Ben,” she introduces.

“We covered that already, Liv,” Ben tells her.

“Well, we were almost done, so want to just call it quits for today then?” Ha, she's kicking him out now that I'm here. I smile to myself as Ben nods and they start packing up their books.

“Hey, a bunch of us are going to a bar across town if you want to come, Liv.” I hate that he calls her Liv, but she doesn't seem to mind. Ben glances at me. “Corey could come with you, I guess, if you wanted to bring him.”

“What time?” she asks. She can't seriously ditch me for him and his football friends, because who else would be there? “Which one?”

For a second, I doubt us, whatever we are. Maybe she'd rather have the guy who can play than the guy who was destroyed because he can't. Ben rattles off the details to her as I grab a bottle of water from her fridge, twisting and untwisting the cap without ever taking it off until he leaves. I wonder what I'll have to do to make her stay here with me. She should go out and have fun, though. Thanks to me, she's stuck in one of our apartments more often than not.

The moment the door closes, she faces me, looking excited. “Do you want to go?”

“Go where?”

“To the bar with them.” Her tone is full of
Duh, Corey.
“I mean, you shouldn't drink because of the medication and all, but it will still be fun. So,” she comes over, taking the water from me. “Do you want to go?”

Oh. I forgot about this option. Do I want to go? If I want her to stay with me, I should. We could both get out of the apartment.

Oh, my God. I'm starting to think like her. She's brainwashing me.

“C'mon, Corey. It'll be good for us both. Let's go.”

Please don't make me regret this. “Okay.”

My answer temporarily stuns her. “Really?”

“Do you want me to change my mind?”

“No, no. Not at all. You...nevermind.” She grins and gives me a quick hug. “You can meet my friends and it'll be a blast.”

Ugh. Friends? Football players
and
friends? She's trying to kill me. Olivia's going to brainwash me and then kill me. I'm tempted to ask how long we're going to be gone, but I don't. I'll let her enjoy her victory.

“Why do you tutor him here,
Liv
?” Saying her name like that makes me frown. I don't like it.

“Because it's easier.”

Easier? What's that supposed to mean? I want to question her about it so badly, but she shrugs it off like it's no big deal and I decide to wait. There is one thing I can ask, though.