Naughty Secrets (7 page)

Fortunately for me, lots of men disagree—most don’t care what size I am, just how good a lover I am, and that’s fine with
me.

I remember the one time a guy tried anal sex. It was painful, even with lubricant. I was totally unsatisfied, and felt violated
and used.

The worst is when I accommodate my husband but can’t get myself in the mood.

If you’re not in the mood, don’t do it. If you do have intercourse, you will end up resenting it and him, gritting your teeth
and letting him do what you feel he has to do. Hogwash! That makes the entire experience so negative that afterward you vow
sex won’t happen again for a while. And it doesn’t. Been there, done that!

Maybe it’s time you suggested that a bit more foreplay or a bit less frequency might make it better for both of you. Try to
think of things that might make it all more fun—a bit of alcohol to relax you both, then some teasing, dirty talking, toys,
games, fantasies. All can turn the tide. If you lighten up and play a bit, each time becomes easier and more fun. Here’s a
letter that illustrates the man’s point of view.

Bad sex is whenever the woman is just doing it just for me and going through the motions. I’d rather just jerk off. If she’s
not enjoying it the way I am it turns me off.

One time I had intercourse with a guy who was very rough. I told him to slow down but he didn’t seem to hear me or maybe he
just didn’t care. Needless to say that was the first and last time we ever slept together. Oh, and can you believe that when
I said no, he wanted to know why? So I told him. I hope his next lady benefited.

I was offered a ride home by a person whom I thought was a friend. He pulled over on the side of the road and ordered me to
suck his cock or I could get out and walk. I had never performed oral sex so I walked home. It was several miles but I’ll
tell you, it didn’t feel bad at all.

A few years ago I was separated from a guy I had had a very serious relationship with. In attempting to get over my feelings
for him, I began seeing someone else. I liked the other man and we’d been friends for a while. Eventually we decided to have
sex. I wasn’t in love with him and since being in love with a guy is important to me, the sex was not particularly enjoyable.
What made it worse was that he worked so hard to make it good for me. I pretended to enjoy myself but I’m sure he knew. We
ruined a good friendship.

In an effort to have a romantic evening, my boyfriend and I did it in the park. It would have been nice but we were on an
incline and we kept rolling to one side. There were stones and sticks under my back, and it was too cold. It seemed like it
would be so romantic but everything about it was just wrong. Actually, we’ve laughed about it since so maybe it wasn’t so
bad after all.

I once had sex with a new girl after a great meal and movie. She projected the image of being the perfect sex partner and
I thought things were going to be fabulous. The problem was that I didn’t come. The “perfect sex partner” couldn’t make me
come.

The worst sex for me is really a tie.

Once I was with a woman who barely moved and sent that message that says, “I’m letting you do this.” That was lame. I had
sex with her a second time to test the waters. Nothing was different, so I ran.

The other time was really worse. I was drunk at a party with an equally drunk young actress. After lots of fooling around,
teasing and playing, I fucked her. My judgment was impaired, and she was too drunk to be put in that situation. We had unsafe
sex and I felt incredibly guilty about contributing to her burgeoning reputation as a slut.

The first time I had intercourse was the worst by far. It was bad because I really didn’t care anything for the girl I was
with, so it was pretty empty feeling. The only redeeming thing about it was the fact that we did it in front of two other
couples, and I found that very exciting. With the main event lasting about two minutes, I’m sure it was the worst sexual experience
for the girl as well.

Unhappily the worst sex I have is with my wife. She doesn’t want to try anything, doesn’t like oral or even touching my genitals.

Sadly, my current lover is probably the worst. She will not talk about sex in any form, not our sex life or sex in general.
We have straight missionary sex, and not very much fooling around before or afterward. She has nice boobies, which I love
to play with, but she doesn’t like me to touch her. All in all, sex with her is pretty off-putting, due to her attitude about
it. Other than the sex, she is a lot of fun, and we have good times together, but the sex sure does detract from our relationship,
at least from my perspective.

There may be more going on in these relationships than we know: a power struggle, outside-the-bedroom issues, and so forth.
There are, however, ways of
tempting
a woman to become more experimental. Making love in the shower, playing with chocolate sauce or maple syrup, reading sexy
stories—all can help, but it takes work and cooperation. It’s really sad that these two men can’t establish better relationships.

I met this girl when I was about fifteen and she was twenty-three. She teased me and used me for her pleasure and wouldn’t
return the gratification. I had the worst case of blue balls ever.

The worst was at a massage parlor. I had gone there for a real massage and found it to be a hand-job place. Yuck.

My first time was the worst. I was so excited that I came as soon as I entered her.

The worst was my very first love affair in my late teens, when I was unable to control my ejaculation and was scorned by the
girl. She told all my friends about it, too.

The worst sex I ever had was with my first wife. I had just gotten out of the army at the end of World War II and we were
living with her parents. Her father, who thought that all sex was fornication (her mother must have raped him in order to
conceive), made it difficult for us to have intercourse in the house. My wife could get quite vocal during the act.

We had found a spot in a cemetery where we could go when we wanted to have intercourse. One night, when we were both “in heat,”
we headed for the cemetery but as luck would have it, it started to rain. We ended up doing it in the car, a 1935 Chevy coupe.
Between fighting the gear-shift lever and the close quarters, it was a disaster.

The worst was when our kids were teenagers and were prone to barge in or knock. This kept my wife and me on edge, and we seldom
orgasmed that way.

Hint: Get a hook-and-eye lock for the bedroom door and use it every night, whether you intend to make love or not. And tell
your kids that you want, and need, private time so unless the world is ending, leave you alone.

After my ex-husband and I separated, we still had sex. It wasn’t good at all because I realized that I no longer had feelings
for him. It was just awful.

The worst I can remember was my first time. I was a skinny, gawky virgin who had been a nobody in high school so I joined
the marine corps on my eighteenth birthday. Although my body was transformed in marine corps recruit training, a year later
I was still a virgin.

I went to a party with some marine corps buddies and there was a whore there. We were both drunk and I accidentally admitted
to her that I was still a virgin. She thought it was very funny and said that I was not going to leave the party a virgin.
She fucked me there for free. It was terrible. I came fast and she laughed.

I had sex with a hooker in Hong Kong many, many years ago. What made it so bad? She had no interest, could not even fake it.

I
have to relate a story told to me by a friend many years ago. When she was four or five she had a glow-in-the-dark picture
of the Virgin Mary beside her bed. One evening she decided that her parents needed a visitation so she turned on her bedside
light and held the picture over it until it glowed brightly, then she tiptoed into her parents’ room. I’m sure you’ve already
guessed what they were doing. That was probably
their
most embarrassing moment.

For my writers, there were a few common threads. Farts, both rectal and vaginal, ranked at the top of the list.

Close seconds were premature ejaculation and impotence.

My most embarrassing sexual experience happened on my honeymoon with my first wife. On our honeymoon night, I was so anxious
that I ejaculated as soon as I had penetrated her. Talk about premature ejaculation! I was so embarrassed! We did make up
for it later that night but I’ll never forget that disastrous first time for us.

I had problems with premature ejaculation in my early twenties. That always made me feel pretty limp, literally and figuratively.

If you have such problems, try using a condom to dull the sensations and slow blood flow. If you already use one, add a second.
It really helps.

My wife had been home alone one weekend while I worked on an emergency project at work. She had spent the whole day reading
erotica, watching dirty home movies, and getting very aroused while waiting for me to get home to take care of her needs.
I, on the other hand, was furious that I had to work that day. When I got home I was angry and in no mood for sex, but my
wife looked so sexy lying there in her lingerie, practically making a puddle on the sheet.

The embarrassing part? Well, I tried but was not able to rise to the occasion. Although my wife was very understanding, I
felt really awful, like a failure somehow.

A third common thread was being interrupted by… well, let them tell it.

We had a roommate who didn’t believe in knocking, and he walked in on us when I was on top. I ducked under the covers so fast!

Actually I think the most embarrassing was one night right before my second husband and I were married. He was on top, just
ramming away, when he must have heard my bedroom door jiggle, so he grabbed the covers and rolled off the side of the bed
so quickly that I didn’t really know what was happening. When I looked around, I found myself lying there naked without hope
of a cover, facing my eight-year-old daughter! The rat was quietly scooting deeper under the bed! Later he had the nerve to
laugh!

My lady and I were interrupted by the conductor while making love in a compartment of a European train.

The most embarrassing time was when my son, age two at the time, came in and sat on my back while I was atop my wife. When
I collapsed, mortified, he yelled, “More horsie, Daddy.”

I’ve got to go back to when I was in college.

It was a nice summer day and my girlfriend (now my wife) and I were tooling around on my little red motorcycle enjoying the
sunshine, hormones flowing through our young bodies. We parked the bike by a beach, walked a bit, and came upon a beautiful
grassy lawn overlooking the water.

Well, one thing led to the next and before you knew it we were on the grass, butt naked, getting it on. The only thing missing
was violin music and rose petals. Out of nowhere a voice screamed, “Get out of my backyard!”

We looked up and saw this old woman running toward us, yelling and screaming, “Where do you think you are?” and “What are
you, a couple of dogs in heat?” etc. We jumped up, grabbed our clothes, and started running, with about a twenty-five-yard
lead on the old lady. We stopped long enough to put our pants and her top back on and ran back to the bike, underwear in hand,
people staring at us, and this old woman still charging after us screaming!

We jumped on, kicked the starter, and took off, never looking back! What a memory. We laugh about it to this day, although
it wasn’t so funny at the time.