My Expectation (My Escort Series Book 3) (3 page)

L
ila Spouse was a mid-fifties radiant woman who looked younger by ten years. Despite my assumption of her being younger, because she is now the ‘new best thing’, I instantly had respect for her as I learnt of her background and how she became at the top of her profession. We clicked straight away, still maintaining the interview in a professional manner. I always wanted to know my interviewees a little bit more before I continued with the questions.

              We were both comfortably sitting in one of the spare offices which was often held for interviews. We both had coffee in hand as I checked a few times that the recorder was still working. Mrs. Spouse was very accommodating and gleeful despite me not being her initial interviewer. I was grateful for that, not all interviewees were okay with such shifts. I looked over the questions once again, finishing off my notes from her previous comments.

              “Now Mrs. Spouse, we are talking in regard to relationships and the appeal of mysterious men. We want to know if it is possible that there is too much mystery and should that be a cause for concern,” I asked professionally as I crossed my legs in my pencil skirt.

              “There has always been the allure of mystery men. I simply think this generation has mixed it with a fantasy of sorts. I definitely think that it is something women should be concerned about instead of searching for,” Lila Spouse said with an edge that reminded me she was older. “The point of a relationship, marriage and so forth is to be built on trust. It is true that men withhold more emotions and struggle more than women to express themselves, but I don’t think that value should ever be compromised.”

              “So you think women actively search for this,” I asked prompting into the next question.

              “Unfortunately, yes. It depends on the woman. Some women have low self-esteem and they believe that they don’t deserve any answers or anything better. It’s the typical ‘bad boy’ scenario for some and then you have head strong women who are intrigued and see it as a challenge.” I pondered this for a moment, in a sense she had stereotyped three different but common traits amongst women.

              “Okay so what would you say the signs are that you might be endeared by a ‘mystery man’?” I said intrigued by the answer. I didn’t read these sort of columns or articles myself very often but during the interview, I couldn’t help but be intrigued. This was genuine advice for many women who read our magazine. I had heard how fierce the search for love in Manhattan was from my friend Cassidy.

              “It’s very simple. Were there lies from the start that you identified straight away but put aside?” Suddenly the image of Damon came to me and I became aware of my own relationship in this conversation. I couldn’t help but consider that Damon had first come to me as an escort, not his position in the Candice and Clive magazine. I dismissed the connection because I knew it was research for his articles as ‘Anonymous’. As a writer myself, I knew that it was important research for him.

              “Do you find yourself justifying and creating excuses on their behalf, to convince yourself that it is okay?” I kept my personal emotions bottled but my heart suddenly began to race as that was literally what I have just done. I tried not to focus on it as I continued to write notes down. Suddenly I felt vulnerably open to her and insecure.

              “Are you finding that you are only getting their attention part of the time and that they are rejecting you, but when they relapse with attention you dismiss your initial doubt?” Lila continued. I thought of the first time Damon had truly rejected me. It was when we were in the Bahamas and the first time we had become intimate towards one another unable to pull away from the chemistry any longer. He pulled away and left me partly naked in the wine shack by the beach. I continued to write it down trying to ignore it. He had his reasons and insecurities.

I stopped writing for a second as I realized again that I was creating an excuse and justifying Damon’s actions. He had hurt me, but it was old now, it was past us. We have moved on since then. I couldn’t be so petty as to resent him now for it only because I found myself questioning it in a new light. I trust Damon. I couldn’t doubt that I didn’t have all of his attention, but I was fine with that, we both were. We both had busy schedules and jobs.

              “Is there lack of talk about the future? Plans that you might want to be discussing but feel isn’t the right time or haven’t yet been able to?”

              I suddenly felt nauseous and pressed my finger to my lips as a swell of vomit tried to rise. Why was I reacting in such a way?

              “Are you okay Miss. Granture?” Lila asked me. I shook my head and placed a steady smile.

              “Apologies, I think something I ate today has upset my stomach but I am fine. Please continue,” I said professionally. But I didn’t want her to continue. For some reason she had placed so much insecurity in my mind. Damon and I had moved in together six months ago, that was a huge leap for the both of us. We hadn’t really discussed much more since then, but that was because we were busy. All relationships moved at different paces. I knew he was faithful to me. My head tugged into different directions as I found myself both agreeing with Lila Spouse but defending my own relationship. I was frustrated as to why I was even in this sudden turmoil, never had I taken on such an unprofessional nature in an interview. Not that Lila noticed.

              “Women are mystified by this breed of men, but the ground rule is, if there is no trust or any breakdown in communication from the start, this will only ripple through any sort of relationship one might have with them. There are issues that need to be tackled straight away. If these ‘mystery men’,” Lila did bunny ears, “truly cared for a woman then they would fight their own struggles and be more open in their thoughts.”

              “But isn’t the point of a relationship to also be open minded and change to accommodate for the differences,” I said calmly. She didn’t hesitate to respond to my answer. I was professional and it seemed like an appropriate question to ask. Little did she realize I was in turmoil as I spoke out of my own accord, I was seriously defending this assumption of my own relationship. I was internally beating myself up with hatred for even being in this thought process to begin with.

              “It is, but isn’t the point of this interview to help women identify these men and future issues?” She countered. “From a psychological perspective I find women who are in relationships like this often mute themselves. They become used to the breakdown and lack of communication if they are in a longer lasting relationship, or they often leave them within months frustrated because they can’t get, or should I say ‘feel’ as if they are getting closer to them.”

              “Every relationship is different,” she continued. “I just think that women should consider these ‘mystery men’ because it is both encouraging men to stay quiet about their emotions in today’s society as it is appealed as more ‘sexy’ and that fundamentally it is encouraging issues with trust and communication. Things like these can lead to cheating, secret lives and other secrets of their past that the woman might want to know. I cannot stress enough how much communication is always everything, especially in a man that you are considering a long-term relationship with. To be with someone for so long, it will change you, you want to hope your time and investment is to change you for the better.”

              Lila looked down at my notepad expectantly. I hurriedly wrote down what she said embarrassed that I had stopped writing in the first place. My mind was in shambles. I was angry at myself that I let every word of hers sink into my bone. I continued dismissing it as we continued our interview but that nauseous feeling continued through the entire interview, and I hated that my body was telling me that something was wrong.

              What I hated more was that suddenly, although everything was going seemingly perfect, I had doubts about mine and Damon’s relationship and all that we stood for. Had I been delusional this entire time? I swatted that idea away. We were happy and I loved him. And yet, that knotting feeling in my stomach continued. Were there any more secrets Damon could be hiding from me, he had after all had so many from the start?

M
y mood plummeted over the next few days. I tried my hardest not to show him my uneasiness before he left for a conference in Los Angeles for a few nights, but he wasn’t fooled. I was able to deter him to think it was my concern for something my sister, Megan has been muddled up with. What made me feel worse was that I was lying about it, and that he instantly offered help in any way he could. I had never felt so ugly before and hated myself for the mixed emotions I felt, all because of one woman’s judgement on relationships. I pondered over my doubtful thoughts, trying to push them away and justify the saner thoughts. Yet I only fumed. My appetite was gone and I became broody. I hated it. I was never so ugly.

              I was busily typing away on my laptop, exhaling deeply as another knot tied in my stomach. I wanted to vomit. I hesitated to grab my bin as the nauseous feeling went away. Why had I cornered myself into this emotional turmoil? Why was I stressing over something that wasn’t even there, to the point where it was making me physically ill?

              “You’re awfully pale and ghost-like today,” Hayden said interrupting me from my thoughts. I shot up from my chair startled. I didn’t even hear him come in. He eased his hands in a calm manner. “Woah, no reason to be so jumpy. Is everything alright Clover?”

              “Sorry, I’m just. . .” I trailed off in disappointment. Why was I reflecting on this so much, surely I wasn’t becoming emotionally unstable? “Never mind, when did you get back?” I asked, realigning myself and my usual confident self. I walked to him and hugged him. His broad shoulders and cologne were now familiar to me and put me at ease.

              “This afternoon.” He leaned back slightly so he could look down at me. He measured me for a moment. Despite what most people thought of Hayden he was very perceptive. “Clover are you sure everything is okay?”

              “Of course it is,” I smiled. “I’ve just been feeling a bit off lately.”

              “I’ll say, you never hug me for this long,” he teased. I pulled away in embarrassment. I felt foolish, like a child clingy to their safety blanket. Hayden and I had been friends for a long time and although time had come between our friendship from our university days, we were now close again. I was grateful that the jealousy Damon once harbored for him was no longer there. We all comfortably got along.

              “Maybe I missed you,” I retorted in a teasing manner.

              “Hardly, more like your mother’s casserole she forced me to bring down,” he said ruffling his blonde hair.

              “Really? I thought you vowed never again because you thought she was trying to domesticate you?” I teased remembering his rant over a beer at the regular bar we often visited.

              “It wasn’t your mother. You’re damn sister is pushy and I swear if given the chance she would break my arm to prove a point,” he said slightly annoyed. I smiled at him. He rolled his eyes at me with a knowing gleam. “I told you, your sister and I aren’t going to happen.”

              “I didn’t say a word,” I mused. I walked back around to my desk slightly relieved by the distraction. I felt like I had color once again. I needed to be distracted until this midlife crises of insecurities left me for good.

              “You and her are as cruel as each other,” he bashfully said. “I’ll be walking out in an hour. Tell your domesticated boyfie I am stealing you away for a beer and a bowl of unhygienic bar nuts. Unless he wants to come and then I will destroy him at pool.”

              “Damon’s not here.” Hayden raised his eyebrows at my bluntness. Even I frowned at my outburst. Again those annoyed and stirring emotions began to itch my throat. Before I could explain, Hayden raised his hand with that arrogant smile of his.

              “Okay, we are going to need a few beers before we get into whatever that was about. Be ready in an hour,” he said closing the door behind him. I called out after him trying to rectify what I said and that there was no issue. I tapped impatiently now annoyed by Hayden. My shoulders sagged in depletion. Where had all these insecurities come from and why was I trying to create an issue between Damon and me? If something didn’t feel right to me, then maybe there was an issue that I hadn’t noticed sooner.

*

“Is there anywhere you go to and don’t attract attention?” I asked sipping my beer. The taste was both refreshing and bitter. I no longer even tried to hold my pretenses that I was fine. Hayden had already busted me.

              “As if you’re one to talk. I’m pretty sure there are like six guys here and all of their eyes have been glued to you this entire time,” Hayden said not taking his eyes off the small television in the corner of the room. It was some sport he was watching, I hadn’t bothered looking over my shoulder to see. “And besides, it’s unlike
you
of all people to notice someone checking another person out,” he mused with a smile as he looked at me and took a swig.

              We were sitting at our usual table in the not so classy bar. It reminded me so much of our university days. It had the main bar in front of us, a pool table in the corner of the room where a few guys played, and a few booths, tables, and chairs around for when meals were being served. Not that we ever came here to eat ourselves.

              I gave Hayden a direct look. He had always teased me for my denseness and not realizing when others were gleaming with interest. I justified myself that if I wasn’t looking for the attention then I wouldn’t notice it. It was only because of Damon that I opened myself up into the dating world once again. It was something I certainly wasn’t actively looking for under my work schedule.

              “So what’s up?” Hayden asked. He took another swig and looked back at the television.

              “You know it’s rude to watch T.V. while talking to someone right?”

              Hayden raised his eyebrows again with a smug expression. “Wowzers, you are on a tangent,” he said laughing.

              I looked away from him embarrassed by my short fuse. I never acted like this, even if it were Hayden.

              “I’ve only ever seen you like this once, and that was when you were only getting like four hours max sleep at night. You don’t look like that’s the case, but you look like your usual glowing self. It’s like your temper has swapped with your sister’s.” He began laughing at that. At first it made me angrier but then I tried to smile it off, realizing how stupid I was acting. I took a long swig of my drink.

              “Sorry, I don’t know what’s with me,” I began. I started fiddling with my bottle. Surprisingly, I could speak openly with Hayden and I valued his opinion on most things. I confided with him some things I hadn’t even with my sister, Megan. “You know when someone says something to you, and for some reason it just sinks in and you can’t get it out of your head?”

              Hayden had a knowing smile, probably because he had recently gone through the same, and just like this, I was counselling him. “What was said, and by whom?” He asked taking another swig and raising his empty bottle in the air for another one. I followed suit and gulped the rest of mine, requesting another one.

              “A Psychologist and some things on relationships,” I mumbled bitterly. Hayden whistled loudly to himself and shouted over to the waitress before she came over with our drinks.

              “Can I please get two of these,” he said.

              “Hayden!” I said throwing one of the nuts at him childishly. He laughed at my reaction and then took a more serious demeanor to our conversation.

              “So you went and saw a shrink about your relationship. I thought you and Damon were fine?” He asked now giving me his full attention.

              “We are. Well I think we are. I don’t know,” I shook my head still rattling with different opinions. “I didn’t see a shrink, I had to interview one. It was based on the theory about mysterious men and their secrets.”

              “I forgot that whole mysterious man type was a thing,” Hayden said thanking the waitress who now gave us our beers.

              “It’s not a thing,” I defended. “Well I guess it is for some, but that’s not the point. Thank you,” I said to the waitress.

              “So what great advice did she give you that made you believe that your multi-millionaire, secretive, successful boyfriend might be hiding something,” he charmed with a smile. I frowned at him as he lightened his laugh. “I’m sorry. I will take you seriously now. I just know how head over heels in love he is with you. I just can’t see him doing anything to hurt you.”

              “I know he wouldn’t,” I said in a defeated sigh. Again I was irritated by Hayden’s tact, but couldn’t deny that I wish I were acting the same. I knew how stupid I felt for making a big deal out of this, but couldn’t help feel that something bothered me. “I just, I don’t know Hayden. We’ve been together now for almost a year and a half, and the more I think about it, I just think that isn’t a lot of time. Maybe there are things that I don’t know about him still, maybe he is still keeping some stuff from me. With consideration that there were a few secrets to start off with.”

              “Yea but what guy or even woman for that matter doesn’t have their secrets?” Hayden justified.

              “I know, but, some people are getting married and having kids at this age and-”

              “Is that what you are wanting? Is this why we are having this discussion?” Hayden cut me off. I looked up at him in disbelief that he asked me. I felt like it was far from the point of this conversation and then realized it was me who began ranting about it. I stared at him a little shocked for a moment and took another swig as I quickly thought about this.

              “Well I’ve never really thought about it. Work has just been so busy for us that I never really have time or have asked him if it’s something that he wants.”

              “Clover, is it something that you want? To be honest, you’ve never seemed to be the type that cares whether you have a ring on or not, but maybe having this conversation is something you should consider. If for whatever reason you are feeling insecure or questioning his dedication to you, then maybe just ask him before you start creating this doubt and questioning his sincerity.”

              I stared at Hayden for a moment. Sometimes he could offer some really wise and practical advice. “I hate myself for even being in this position. I can’t believe I’ve even taken it so personally and am confronting these issues that I’m creating myself.” I kept in mind that although Damon first came to me as an escort, that in no way did I think that cheapened his image or how I felt about him. Now that I knew the person he truly was, I loved him. But I wondered if that line of work, although he did nothing sexual, put the most doubt in my mind. A lot of others including Hayden and my family didn’t know about this. Only my friend Cassidy knew because she was the one who had given me his card and suggested the services.

              “Don’t beat yourself up about it. We all have doubts in relationships. That’s why some people go stir crazy. Just ask him before you blow up about anything, okay?” Hayden placed his hand over mine in a reassuring manner. I felt daggers in my back from some of the women who had been buzzing around to get Hayden’s attention. It was odd to say but already I felt as if it were a brotherly kind of love. In university I had banned Hayden from looking at my sister twice, but now seeing them together as adults, I was sort of egging for it. I slumped in my thoughts. Why was I even thinking about someone else’s relationship–which didn’t even exist, over my own?

              “Do you think I am going through a midlife crisis?” I asked with a faint smile.

              “Clover, you’re not even thirty yet,” Hayden laughed. I took another swig of my beer no longer enjoying the taste. I placed it back down, done with it. “Maybe you are just stressed from work and need a few days off. It wouldn’t hurt you to go back to Ithaca and see your family.”

              I gave him a twisted smile. “Did my mother or Megan tell you to say that,” I said leaning my chin on my hand with humor. He returned the smile and took another swig.

              “Both,” he laughed. “But, I am serious. All this travelling and work, I know you are a workaholic and I have respect for it. But, sometimes if things like this is piling up on you and you are not sure why, it might be in your best interest to take a breather. And I bet they will give you better advice on this than me. I’m just a guy after all.”