Mummy Madness

  1.   HAPI Days

  2.   The Legend of the Nile
Ruby

  3.   Crazy Dez

  4.   ‘Titchology'

  5.   A Random Act of Evil

  6.   Dead Easy!

  7.   The Living Dead

  8.   Mission Impossible?

  9.   Terror Thomas

10.   The All-seeing Eye

11.   Museum Mayhem

12.   Buying Time

13.   A Cunning Disguise

14.   Off with his Head?

15.   A Very Slow Getaway

16.   A HAPI Ending

17.   An Even Happier Ending

For my favourite wife

The children loved it when Professor
Cortex came over to their house. But it was even more special when they visited him
in his secret laboratory.

Lara, her puppies and the children sat
in the reception area, sipping their milkshakes. The professor had issued
instructions that they were to try his newly invented flavours while they waited.
Ben and Sophie were sucking up mouthfuls of ‘bread & butter'
flavour. Ollie was noisily hoovering up the last of his ‘tea &
biscuit'. All three dogs had gone for ‘fish 'n' chip'
milkshakes, with Spud eyeing up ‘bangers & mash' to try next.

‘Not bad,' woofed Lara to
the pups. ‘And an interesting break with tradition to have savoury
milkshakes. Perfect for pets. I can see
these flying off the supermarket shelves!'

If there was a competition for the
‘cleverest person on the planet', Professor Maximus Cortex would be the
outright winner. He was in charge of the government's top-secret Spy School
and spent a great deal of his time doing whacky research. He'd come to love
Ben, Sophie and Ollie over the years. They'd provided a home for his
greatest-ever achievement. And here she was, tail swishing and a silly doggie grin
spread across her face.

‘GM451,' beamed the
professor, swooping through the door. ‘Good to see you again. And Agents Star
and Spud. I trust you're keeping the town clear of crime?'

Reported crime down 68 per
cent
, thought Lara.
Burglaries down 80 per cent. No reported shoplifting
and last quarter's mugging statistics were zero.

‘We need to get my finest canine
agents up to speed with the latest inventions. You can never be too careful,'
he said, tapping the side of his nose and spooking the children. ‘Enemies are
everywhere,' he said, eyebrow raised, eyes darting left and right.

Ollie, the youngest of the three,
followed the
professor's eyes, looking
round the room for suspicious people. ‘I don't think there are any
baddies in here,' he smiled. ‘Just me and my brother and sister. And our
doggies.'

‘And can you stop calling Lara
“GM451”?' nagged Sophie. ‘She's not a spy any more,
Professor. She's retired, OK? And she's our family pet. And, even more
importantly, she's got pups of her own.'

Nice one, Soph
, thought Lara.
It's always good to remind the mad prof that his first-ever
‘Licensed Assault and Rescue Animal', LARA, is officially an ex-Spy
Dog. No need for code names any more.

‘Old habits and all that,'
flustered the professor. ‘GM451 might have retired, but her enemies most
certainly haven't. Which is why we need to keep you all up to
speed.'

Spud had spied an open packet of
digestive biscuits in the professor's pocket
. I'd like to be kept up
to speed with those
, he thought, his tail swishing in excitement. In
Spud's world gadgets were cool, but food was always his top priority.
Spud's motto was that a canine agent operates best on a full tummy. ‘You
never know where your next meal's coming from,' he explained to his
sister. ‘So I'm always on full alert. For food!'

Star was more of an
all-action hero. While her brother had a roly-poly puppy look about him, she was
slimline and fit. Her black and white fur shone and her eyes glistened. Star
listened intently as the white-coated professor went about his business.

‘Right, follow me, team, I have
something exciting to show you,' he said.

The dogs and children hurried along
behind the scientist. They trotted behind his billowing coat as he marched down
endless white corridors. The professor stopped abruptly at a door that was being
guarded by a burly man dressed in black.

‘Cool shades,' whispered Ben
out of the side of his mouth. ‘But why's he wearing them
indoors?'

‘Agent T,' said the
professor, ‘I'd like to introduce you to our visitors. Would you please
open the door and accompany us into the top-secret laboratory?'

Agent T pressed some numbers on a
control pad and the door slid open. The small troop entered the lab and the door
swished shut, Agent T guarding the exit.

Cooool
, thought Lara, scanning
the room,
taking in the bubbling potions and
whiteboards full of equations.
I'm glad he's on our side!
I shudder to think what would happen if the professor's brainpower fell
into the wrong hands.

‘Inventions,' grinned the
professor, sweeping his hand round the room. ‘This is where ideas get
transferred from here,' he said, jabbing a finger at his head, ‘to
here,' he said, holding up a test tube of purple liquid. ‘How did you
get on with my new milkshakes?'

 

 

‘Yummy,' grinned Ollie.

‘Excellent,' beamed the
professor. ‘This one's in development.' He pointed at a formula
scribbled on the board. ‘Frogs' legs flavour,' he said. ‘It
has a very interesting taste. But I'm also thinking of crisps,' he
added, peering over
the top of his
spectacles. ‘Gap in the market, you see. Nobody's doing frogs'
legs crisps.'

Spud's ears stood to attention.
Cool idea, Prof!

Sophie shuddered. ‘I think
you'll find there's a reason for that, Professor,' she said,
crinkling her nose up at the idea. ‘Frogs' legs are yukky!'

‘Yes, yes,' tutted the
professor as if the idea had never crossed his mind. ‘Maybe we'll aim it
at the, erm,
continental
market?'

‘What's that formula over
there?' asked Ben, pointing at a sequence of letters and shapes that took up
an entire wall.

‘That one's not exactly
new,' the professor mused, ‘more a development of an earlier
prototype.' He pointed to a Bunsen burner heating a bottle of the purple
liquid. ‘I distil this little brew,' he smiled, ‘into these
marvellous crystals.' He held up a small jar. ‘And, I have to tell you,
this is the most fun you can have in a secret laboratory.'

Ben looked confused. ‘What's
fun about a few crystals?'

‘These little beauties,'
said the professor, holding up the jar so everyone could see, ‘will bring
humour to any situation.'

‘I don't get it,'
chirped Sophie.

‘Well,'
mused the scientist, ‘you've probably heard of laughing gas. It's
all rather complex, but, to cut a long story very short, I've worked out that
it's the interconnectedness of the amygdala and hypothalamus that allows the
prefrontal part of the hippocampus to create meta-programmes that accentuate
the …'

Professor Cortex stopped and observed
the children's glazed eyes. ‘I'm doing it again, aren't
I?' he smiled.

‘Ollie's six, Prof,'
said Ben. ‘Keep it simple.'

‘Quite,' nodded the
scientist, pushing his spectacles back up his nose. ‘I've analysed the
part of the brain that creates laughter,' he continued. ‘And these
crystals scramble the emotional part of the brain to convert all emotions to
“hilarious”. So the person experiences an acute sense of humour.
Anything and everything is funny. And I'm not talking “mildly
amusing”, I'm talking “side-splittingly hilarious”. I call
them HAPI crystals. Hyper Acute Positive Intervention,' coughed the professor,
beaming over the top of his spectacles. ‘Do you see what I did there? I took
the H from Hyper and the A from …'

‘We get it, Prof,'
interrupted Ben. ‘HAPI. Very good.'

‘Everything?' asked Ollie. ‘You said
everything
is
funny.'

‘Absolutely,' assured the
professor. ‘All you have to do is drop a few crystals on the floor and grind
them in with your foot. They release gas, you see, which seeps into your nervous
system to create laughter. And not just a small chuckle. We're talking
laughter until it hurts. Agent T had to attend a funeral last week and we tested the
capsules under extremely sad conditions.'

Agent T nodded, recalling the hilarity
of the church service.

 

 

‘The vicar
laughed so much he pulled a muscle in his stomach. Isn't that right, Agent
T?'

‘Affirmative, sir,' nodded
the man from behind his dark glasses. ‘And one of the family was laughing so
hard that they fell into the grave, sir,' he reminded the professor.
‘It's on YouTube, sir.'

‘Indeed it is,' nodded the
professor. ‘And you wet yourself, Agent T. During the vicar's speech.
Isn't that correct?'

The man in the dark suit twitched as he
recalled the embarrassment.

‘It's great at disabling
baddies,' explained the scientist. ‘But I see a big commercial market
for it. I might have to reduce the strength of the formula to give it more mass
appeal,' he thought aloud. ‘But everyone wants to be happier, right? And
laughing is good for you. So why not introduce more laughter into your
life?'

‘But,' noted Sophie,
‘aren't funerals supposed to be sad? Isn't that the point? Is it
appropriate to chuckle your way through such a serious and important
occasion?'

‘Details, details,'
dismissed the professor, swishing his hand at Sophie. ‘I'll work it out
after we've experimented. In the meantime,
Benjamin, take this packet of crystals and use them
wisely.' He handed Ben a small package. ‘Emergencies only,' he
winked. ‘Because, after all, you never know when adventure will
strike.'