Missing Ellen (15 page)

Then I saw Spider. He was sitting on the edge of an
armchair
leaning over some girl, whispering into her ear. He moved his head back for a moment, and I saw that it was Carrie, looking pale and exhausted after her sickness bout.

I left the room, looking for Ellen. I had wanted to try to explain that there was nothing going on with Liam and me, but now I was back to being really angry with her.

I found her in the kitchen, helping herself to beers from the fridge.

‘I can’t believe you, Ellen,’ I said.

‘What now?’

She pushed the fridge door shut with her hip, cradling her bottles of beer.

‘How could you invite that creep?’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘You know what I’m talking about. He’s in there now, leching all over Carrie.’

Her face relaxed. ‘Oh you mean Spider. So what? Just because you weren’t interested doesn’t mean Carrie isn’t.’

‘Carrie is completely hammered. She doesn’t have a clue what she’s doing.’

‘Well, she’s got her big sister here to look after her, she doesn’t need you as well. Look, the guys are waiting for their beers. I’ll come back and talk to you in a minute, OK?’

I followed her into the hall, hanging back as she went into the sitting room. I waited, but she didn’t come back. 

Jane was sweeping up glass that someone had smashed. I went to give her a hand. She pushed her hair out of her face and I saw that there were tears in her eyes. ‘This party is
getting
out of hand, Maggie. My parents are going to freak out if there’s any more damage done. Some of those jerks that Ellen brought have started a darts competition only they’re using one of my dad’s paintings as a dartboard. And I have no idea where Carrie is.’

‘She’s in the sitting room. Actually, she could probably do with being rescued,’ I said. I told her, as briefly as I could, about Spider. She handed me the dust pan and rushed off without another word.

I felt really sorry for Jane, and furious with Ellen that she could ruin everything by bringing those awful guys to the party. Why were we, her old friends, not enough for her any more? I finished sweeping up the broken glass and went out the back to empty the dust pan into the bin. I couldn’t see Liam anywhere.

What was I doing at this party? I thought longingly of my room, and my comfy bed, and the mystery novel I was reading.

Ellen came out of the sitting room. ‘Jane has got her
knickers
in a knot.’

‘Can you blame her?’ I snapped.

‘We’re leaving. Remember that party I was telling you about? One of the band’s mates?’ 

I just stared at her.

‘You can come too, Maggie. I want you to come. So does Pete, he asked for you especially.’

‘Where is it?’ I found myself saying, even though I had no intention of going, not even if it was right next door.

Ellen named a village about twenty miles away. ‘It’s OK, Pete’s got the car, he’s going to drive us all. Please say you’ll come.’

‘No Ellen, I can’t, and I don’t think you should go either. Pete’s been drinking. It’s not safe for him to drive.’

‘He’s fine. He’s only had one or two.’

‘What about getting home?’

‘Dave said we can stay the night. Crash on the sofa or whatever. Pete will be fine to drive by morning. Well
probably
lunchtime!’

‘Won’t your mum freak out if you’re not home?’

‘I told her I was staying over at your place. Why don’t you ring your mum now, say you’re staying at mine?’

She really had thought of everything. Except how I was going to feel.

‘No,’ I said softly. ‘I don’t think so.’

‘Oh come on, Maggie, what’s the worst thing that can happen? It’ll be a laugh!’

‘This was supposed to be a laugh,’ I said, gesturing in the general direction of the party. ‘It was supposed to be about us and our friends celebrating getting through the exams. Not
about bloody Pete and his horrible friends.’

‘If you had your way we’d all still be having a slumber party, watching a Barbie movie in our pyjamas,’ Ellen snapped. ‘Not all of us want to stay eight years old forever.’

In spite of myself I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. Trying to keep my voice steady, I repeated, ‘I just wanted this to be about us and our friends. Why can’t you stay, Ellen, and let them all leave if they want to?’

Ellen didn’t answer. We stood in silence for a minute.

Pete appeared at the sitting room door. ‘You ready, Ellen?’

‘Yeah.’ She moved towards him, then turned back and made one final plea. ‘Please Maggie, come with us.’

The lump in my throat was so big I didn’t trust myself to speak. I had lied for her, skipped school for her, almost got arrested for her. I’d had enough. I shook my head, watching an expression of resignation cross her face. She shrugged. ‘Well, bye then.’ And taking Pete’s hand, she walked out,
closing
the door quietly behind her.

She had let me down so many times I don’t know why it still surprised me. I suppose I still wanted to believe she was the same person underneath but the truth was the friend I had grown up with was already gone for good even before she walked out that door.

I didn’t want to risk going up to Carrie’s parents’ room again. There was a queue for the main bathroom, and the one downstairs stank of vomit. I went and sat on the stairs.
That’s where Liam found me. He came and sat beside me and took my hand in his without saying a word. I wanted to enjoy it, to remember exactly how it felt, his long slender fingers, his strong warm palm pressed against mine, but my heart was already too full.

I went home soon after Ellen left. I called a taxi and went to sit on the wall outside while I waited for it.

At home I tapped on my parents’ door to let them know I was home, hearing my mother’s murmur in reply. Then I got straight into bed, not even brushing my teeth or taking off my make-up for probably the first time ever. I didn’t even get undressed, just took off my shoes and crawled under the duvet.

I heard the phone ringing some time after that. It was so late the first rays of morning sunshine were already touching the sky. The phone rang and rang. Only half awake, I pulled the pillow over my head and willed my parents to pick it up, and get rid of whatever idiot was calling.

I heard my mother’s voice, sounding irritated and
confused
. And then suddenly clearer, sharper, jerking me
properly
awake. A clatter as she dropped the phone and then footsteps running towards my room. I sat up in bed, hugging the blankets to me so my mother wouldn’t see that I was still wearing my clothes from last night. I don’t know why I thought that still mattered.

‘Maggie!’ It was the first time in years that my mum had come into my room without knocking. ‘That’s Ellen’s mum on the phone. Where is Ellen?’

And even as I tried to help, spoke to Ellen’s mum on the phone and told her all I knew, even then there was a part of me that knew I would never know the answer to that
question
again.

I don’t know exactly what happened after Ellen left the party. I wasn’t there. But I’ve seen it in my mind so many times I feel like I was. It’s like a film reel in front of my eyes, playing on a loop, over and over, and the only way to deal with it was just to turn it off.

Ellen sitting in the front seat of that clapped-out old banger of Pete’s. Sitting on Spider’s knee because Pete insisted on cramming eight of them into the car. All of them swigging from bottles of beer and singing along to the radio and
yelling
at Pete to go faster, faster. And that bend in the road that Pete didn’t see coming, that other car travelling in the other direction. Pete taking the bend too quickly and meeting the other car head on. The awful, awful smash, the shattering of glass, the screeching of brakes far too late, the squealing of metal folding in on itself. And my best friend Ellen flying, flying straight out the windscreen, for just a moment
seeming
to float, suspended in the air, before smashing back to earth.

What haunted me for a long time was that Ellen had no ID on her that night, so the guards weren’t able to identify her right away. And of course her mother wasn’t waiting for her to come home because she thought she was with me. Ellen lay in that cold hospital morgue for hours until that nice guard, Declan, came on his shift and heard what had
happened. He of course recognised her right away when he saw her photo. He must have blamed himself too, maybe even more than Liam and I did. He was the one who drove out to Ellen’s mother’s house and asked her if she would come down to the hospital with him, gently explaining why. What an awful thing for him to have to do. Mrs B went into shock, insisting Ellen was safe and sound in my house, and rang my mum, expecting to be able to put Ellen on the phone right away so she could tell Declan herself that she was fine. I just can’t bear to think about how she must have felt when my mum said that Ellen wasn’t there and she had to face up to what Declan was telling her.