Authors: Natasha Mac a'Bháird
Fuddy Duddy was just handing out the test papers when Ellen arrived at the gym, out of breath, but looking quite triumphant. She’d even managed to remember to leave her bag in my locker. Along with her pencil case. I passed her a pen and pencil, ignoring Fuddy Duddy’s frowns, then tried to concentrate on the first question.
Later, weeks later, Bouncer told me that Ellen had got 95% on that test. An A1, and the best mark of anyone in our year.
Dear Ellen,
Why should a person have to talk if they don’t want to? Seriously, why? I don’t understand it. I’m not hurting anyone. I just want to be here, silent, removed, in my own little world. Well actually that’s not what I want at all. I want it to be six months ago, to be sitting in Java Bay with you, drinking pink
lemonade, and giggling, and talking about everyone we can see around us, clothes, films, all the girls at school, Liam, everything, anything. Silence isn’t my number one choice. Just the best one out of the options available to me.
Jamie is the only one who will just let me be. When I got home from school, he was playing with his Lego, trying to make a rocket. I sat down beside him on the floor and started to help him. He chatted away to me about rockets and engines and astronauts and aliens, and he didn’t mind that I didn’t answer him. We sat there for ages just building his rocket. Then Dad came home from work and asked Jamie to go and help Mum in the kitchen, but before he could leave I got up from the floor and went up to my room, closing the door behind me.
Mum came up to my room after that and begged me to talk. She started crying again. It was so embarrassing. I mean, there was no one else there, so it wasn’t as bad as one of those awful public weepy scenes she’s been specialising in recently, but still. It’s not something I feel like dealing with right now.
I just wanted to ask her to leave, but of course I couldn’t do that, because that would be giving in too, wouldn’t it? So I said nothing, just sat there staring at the wall, as she pleaded and cajoled and bargained. Finally, though, it got too much for me. I climbed into bed and pulled the duvet over my head, right over, until everything was dark. That stopped her in her tracks. I lay there and listened to the silence, interrupted only
by a sniff from Mum, and then, after a minute, a little sigh. I waited. Finally, finally, I heard her getting up. Footsteps. The door opening, and quietly closing again. I didn’t move. I waited until I heard the sound of her boots clicking down the stairs. Then I took the duvet off, got out of bed, went over to the door, and turned the key in the lock.
I sound like a psychopath don’t I?
XXX
Maggie.
Two days before the party. I stood in front of Ellen’s
bedroom
mirror, trying on one outfit after another. Every item of clothing that Ellen owned was piled up on her bed.
I couldn’t get over how many clothes Ellen had. Loads of them hadn’t even been worn – the price tags were still on them.
Ellen surveyed me critically, head on one side. ‘Nope. Not your colour,’ she pronounced. ‘Try the red. I don’t know why I bought it, it looks awful with my hair.’ She lifted a fistful of her red curls and grimaced.
‘Was that the day you went shopping with Carrie?’ I teased.
‘Must have been, I think. I can’t remember.’
I pulled the red top over my head. Instantly I felt
transformed
. I turned this way and that, admiring my reflection.
‘Oh Maggie, that’s perfect on you!’ Ellen said.
‘Do you really think so?’ I asked.
‘Absolutely. You have to wear it to the party.’
‘Are you sure you don’t mind me borrowing it?’
‘Keep it,’ Ellen said.
‘Oh, I couldn’t do that,’ I began.
‘Why not? I won’t wear it anyway.’
I looked at myself again. It really was a lovely top. ‘At least let me give you some money for it?’ I said.
‘No, there’s no need, my dad bought it for me, it’s not like it came out of my allowance or something,’ Ellen said.
I started to take it off, a bit reluctantly. ‘Well, thanks, it’s really nice of you.’
‘No problem! We have to have you looking your best on Saturday. One of those boys is bound to fall for you. Just think what a fun summer we’ll have if we’ve both got
boyfriends
! We can go on double dates and everything.’
Ellen was leaning over the side of the bed looking for shoes underneath it, so she couldn’t see my face, which was just as well. We still hadn’t talked about what had happened last weekend. I didn’t want to bring it up, and Ellen seemed to have forgotten all about it.
‘Oh, do you think there’ll be any nice guys there?’ I asked, turning away before she reappeared from under the bed and pretending to look through her make-up bag.
‘I think Liam’s bringing some of the football team,’ Ellen said. ‘Oh, that reminds me. I said we’d go to the cinema tomorrow night with Liam. A sort of early end of exams
celebration, since the party’s not until Saturday. Carrie and Stephanie said they might go too. My dad’s taking us out for dinner first, but I said I’d meet Liam after that.’
‘Sounds great, but I’m not sure Mum will let me go out two nights in a row,’ I said.
‘I’ll ask her for you,’ Ellen promised. ‘I’ll make sure to tell her how hard you’ve been working! You have to come, Liam said he’d bring his mate Sean. You can suss him out, see if you like him – then make your move at the party!’
‘Ellen, what are you like?’ I laughed. ‘I don’t even know the guy.’ And anyway it wouldn’t matter, I added silently, since there was only one boy I wanted.
‘Exactly, so tomorrow is your chance to get to know him!’ Ellen said. ‘I can’t believe the exams are over tomorrow, I can’t wait!’
‘Oh, because you spent so much time studying,’ I laughed.
Ellen threw a shoe at me. It missed, but it did knock a pile of clothes off the mirror. Soon we were throwing
everything
at each other, her room was an even bigger mess than before, piles everywhere, clothes all over the place, and even a random shoe on top of her dressing table. We were laughing so hard we could hardly breathe.
Dear Ellen,
My room is so peaceful. I’d forgotten what it’s like to just spend time in here, quietly, all alone. When you disappeared
first I spent a lot of time in here, but it didn’t help. I felt trapped, cooped up, unable to breathe. I wanted to be out there looking for you, doing something, but no one seemed to want my help.
Now my room is a refuge, and I don’t mind that I’m not out doing something, because I have come to realise there is nothing I can do except wait.
I love that my room is a mixture of all the mes that there have been. Mostly of course it’s the current me. Huge desk, which I keep pretty neat and tidy, most of the time anyway. There’s a pile of books in one corner, lots of stationery (I love stationery) – coloured paper clips, fancy pens collected over the years in different places I’ve visited, stampers, my folder with lots of different kinds of paper. My computer. My folders from school.
Above my desk, there are some sketches I’ve done of
different
fashion ideas. Some of them are awful – what was I thinking? But some of them, the newer ones, are actually quite good. Maybe even good enough to put in my portfolio for applying to art college when the time comes.
Over my bed is a print of Hell by Hieronymus Bosch. My mother hates it. She grimaces every time she looks at it. I can see her biting her tongue so as not to say something. The downside of encouraging your children to express
themselves
is sometimes their self-expression isn’t quite to your taste, eh Mum?
Underneath Hieronymus Bosch, there’s a bit of
wallpaper
from my Disney Princesses phase which my dad didn’t bother stripping off when we did up my room a few years ago. It was such a pain taking it all off, he was relieved when I said not to bother with that bit as my poster would be going on top. And where Snow White is peeling away, you can just see Winnie the Pooh, and a bit of Tigger, from when this wasn’t a bedroom but a nursery. All the layers of my life, there on a wall for anyone to see, if they know where to look.
The bookshelves are crammed. Art books. Fashion books. Thrillers. All my
Malory Towers
books which I still like to read sometimes, when I’m sick or when I just can’t be
bothered
with anything more grown-up. And on the top shelf are all the cuddly toys which I can’t bear to give away or even put in the attic.
Then there’s my sewing machine, and my chair piled high with about ten different sewing projects at various different stages of completeness. I haven’t felt much like working on any of them lately, but it’s good to know they’re there.
I love my room. It’s me. And it’s you too. The pink teddy you won at a funfair and insisted on giving to me. The jewellery box you gave me once for my birthday, with a ballet dancer who twirls around and around when you open the lid. The photo on the shelf of the two of us at the ice skating rink, all scarves and gloves and hats, our cheeks rosy from the cold, and the biggest smiles on our faces. The stars on the ceiling which glow in the dark. We used to lie in bed and count them,
and you used to pretend you could see all the different
constellations
, and tease me that I couldn’t, and then tease me again for believing you.
I don’t want to leave my room, and go back out into that world that doesn’t have you in it.
Love,
Maggie.
Amazingly, Mum said yes, as long as it was just the cinema, and that she would be there to collect me as soon as the film was over. She dropped me off with her usual list of
instructions
. I waited until she was gone before rolling my eyes at her, which only made me feel slightly better.
Liam was sitting on a wall outside the cinema. He smiled when he saw me coming. ‘Hi Maggie. What’s up?’
‘Oh, the usual. So relieved to have the exams over,’ I said. I leaned against the wall beside him, careful not to stand too close.
‘How did they go?’
‘Not too bad,’ I said. ‘Well, maths was a bit of a nightmare, and I didn’t really like the Irish paper, but the others weren’t too bad. How about you?’
‘Same – maths was a disaster,’ Liam said, shaking his head. ‘I’m just no good at it.’
Carrie and Stephanie arrived, and then Liam’s friend Sean, but there was still no sign of Ellen.
Liam checked his watch. ‘The film is starting in a couple of minutes. Wonder where Ellen’s got to?’
‘I’ll give her a ring,’ I said.
‘We’ll go on in,’ Carrie said. ‘No point all of us missing the start of the film.’ She, Stephanie and Sean headed into the cinema.
I dialled Ellen’s number, but it rang out. Liam had made no move to follow the others.
‘You go ahead too, I can wait for Ellen,’ I said.
‘No, it’s OK. I’d better make sure she’s all right,’ Liam said.
Just then there was a roar of a car engine with the silencer removed. Pete’s – of course. Ellen got out of the back seat, half falling and grabbing another car nearby to steady herself. The car was full of Pete’s mates – one of them banged the door behind Ellen. Pete drove off without even checking she was all right. I rushed over to her but Liam got there first.
‘Are you OK?’ he demanded, taking her by the arm.
Ellen pushed her hair out of her face, swaying slightly as she straightened up. ‘Never better. What did I miss?’
‘How much have you had to drink?’ Liam demanded.
‘What are you, my father?’ Ellen said. ‘Oh wait no, because he couldn’t actually care less about me.’
Liam guided her over to the low wall outside the cinema and helped her sit down. I sat on the other side of her and asked, ‘Did something happen with your dad?’
‘Useless jerk,’ Ellen said. ‘He was supposed to take Robert
and me out for dinner this evening but he cancelled at the last minute. He said some work thing had come up, but I know it’s just another lie. He didn’t even ring, he just sent me a text, and then when I told Robert he was devastated, he started crying and screaming at me as if it was my fault.’
‘You poor thing. You should have phoned me,’ I said.
‘Pete said he’d take me out and cheer me up,’ Ellen said. ‘We went back to his place for a while, but the band are heading off somewhere so I said I’d come and meet you guys instead.’
‘Come on, let’s go and see the film,’ Liam said. ‘Don’t let him ruin your evening.’
‘Think it might be too late!’ Ellen said. ‘Go on then, we may as well.’
‘Can you manage to act sober long enough for us to get tickets?’ I asked.
‘I’ll hold her up!’ Liam joked. He put his arm around her waist and she leaned into him. I turned away.
We couldn’t find the others so the three of us ended up sitting on our own at the back. The film was a rom-com and not too demanding, which was just as well, as it was hard to concentrate. Ellen ignored it completely, obsessively
checking
her phone for texts and muttering under her breath. A couple of times I saw her take a swig out of a naggin of vodka she had stashed in her pocket. I glanced around
anxiously
, wondering if anyone was watching her. If someone
told the staff what she was doing we could all be thrown out. I looked over at Liam and he just grimaced, as if to say we should just let it go.
I don’t even know what the film was about – whatever bit of my mind wasn’t occupied in worrying about Ellen was kind of overwhelmed by the fact that I was there, at the cinema, with Liam, even though there was a drunken Ellen and a jumbo bucket of popcorn in between us.
A couple of rows in front of us, I saw a buxom blonde edging past people as she returned to her seat from the
bathroom
. I watched her, glad to have something else to think about for a moment. The man she was with turned to kiss her as she sat down. I realised with a shock that it was Ellen’s dad – and the blonde could be none other than the
Homewrecker
.
I tried to distract Ellen by knocking over the popcorn. ‘Oh no, I’m so sorry,’ I exclaimed. But it was too late. Ellen was staring in disbelief at her father.