Ephraim, with hat in hand, stood on her doorstep. He narrowed his gaze, and Miriam could see a vein pulsing in his neck. Her tongue suddenly seemed to swell, as if she had a mouthful of cotton.
“Can we talk?” he said.
Miriam nodded, stepped outside, and closed the door behind her.
“Oh, Miri, such a tragedy. I came to see how you are doing.”
“Terrible. We feel terrible.”
“How could Yost have fallen into this gross wickedness? I can hardly believe it. Selling drugs. I have never been so shocked as when I heard.”
Miriam could only incline her head. The lump in her throat made it impossible to speak.
“The only thing for your dat to do is to cast him from the house so he does not influence the little boys to follow in his footsteps.”
“Throw him out?”
“Your whole family is tainted with his sin as long as he stays, especially since your dat is one of the ministers. My dat said so.”
“But how can Dat throw him out? He has no place to go.”
“Yost should have thought of that before getting himself into trouble. When I think of the wickedness, I am almost sick.”
Miriam felt long-delayed tears stinging her eyes. “What he did was very wrong.”
“And selfish. Think of how his crime has affected your family. It makes you look weak in the eyes of the community. People wonder if your parents have neglected their duty to train up their child in the way he should go.”
“They do?”
“Where else should the blame be placed when a child goes astray?”
Miriam’s head began to throb. She massaged a spot above her right eye.
“We know what will become of him if he stiffens his neck and refuses to get off the path to hell. Remind him daily of his wickedness, Miri. Do not let him forget what he has done to you.”
Miriam didn’t respond. The last thing she wanted to do was give Yost another lecture. She’d seen how far that had taken her.
Ephraim swished his hair with his fingers. “I am so, so sorry for you. Yost must repent quickly of this great wickedness. I don’t want anything to delay our wedding.”
“Delay our wedding?” It is two and a half years away.
“I must go now. I only wanted to see how you are doing. I will pray for you every day, dear Miriam.”
“Denki,” Miriam said, forcing the air through her tight throat. “We will see you tomorrow at the singeon?”
He raised an eyebrow. “Do you think it would be wise for you to come? It is better that you should attend to matters at home.”
“Oh…I didn’t think of that. I will stay home if you think it best.”
“I do.”
She forced a smile. “Then I will see you sometime next week?”
“Jah, Lord willing. Good night.” He turned his back on her and sauntered down her sidewalk as if he were going to a picnic.
Miriam sighed and wiped away a lone tear. Seeing Ephraim usually sent her soaring to the sky with elation, but his visit had only succeeded in making her feel worse than ever. She felt selfish, wishing for Ephraim’s comfort at a time when the whole community reeled from the arrest, but loneliness still encompassed her as she watched him disappear into the darkness.
“Anything I should know about before I look in these drawers?”
Yost stood in the doorway with his hands balled into fists, his eyes on the floor. He shook his head. Miriam waited beside him, fixing her eyes on the caseworker or parole officer or whoever he was as he opened one drawer after another and stirred Yost’s few clothes around, looking for drugs or something else illegal.
Mamm, Susie, and the three little boys had shut themselves in Mamm’s room while this Englischer invaded their privacy. One of the conditions of Yost’s release was that an officer of the court could appear at the home any time of the day to check on Yost and search his things for drugs. Only a week and a half after Yost’s release, the Englischer had already made three visits.
There wasn’t much to search. Yost and Raymond’s room consisted of two beds, a small chest of drawers, and a rag rug on the floor. The Englischer still managed to make a mess of the room as he checked under the mattresses and pulled clothes out of the drawers.
Leaving both mattresses askew, the chubby, balding man picked up his clipboard and jotted down a few notes.
He spoke to Yost, but Yost wouldn’t look at him. “Be at the justice center on Wednesday at three to meet with your parole officer. You’re doing good, but don’t forget that one of your parents must be with you at all times. If they both have to go out, you gotta go with them.”
Yost nodded, his eyes still glued to the floor. He had already experienced the humiliating consequences of that rule. Last Thursday, Miriam and Mamm had dragged Yost to a quilting bee. He sat in the corner of the kitchen at Mary Hoover’s house enduring the pitiful looks of the women and the curious eyes of the little girls. He had come home and barricaded himself in his room. From below, Miriam heard him pacing the floor and pounding on walls.
Now, she followed the Englischer to the front door. He didn’t smile, and she didn’t smile. They simply nodded to each other before she closed the door and shut him out. Yost endured the humiliation because he had no other choice, but Miriam found it nearly unbearable.
Upstairs, Yost stood in the spot where she had left him, carved from stone and sand.
“Cum,” Miriam said. “I will help you tidy the room.”
“I can’t stand this,” Yost muttered. “I can’t stand this.”
Miriam didn’t know how to respond except with anger, so she chose to ignore his turmoil. “Tuck the sheet on that side.”
Yost didn’t move. “I felt like I was on fire, like the flames would jump out of my hands and burn me up. I hate him for coming.”
Miriam’s pulse raced with the urge to lash out at her brother.
You brought this on yourself, you know. Mamm hides in her room in shame because you let greed overtake your virtue. My Ephraim hasn’t set foot on our property for ten days because your behavior has spread a stain of sin over our entire family. Our perfect, exemplary family.
Get out!
she wanted to scream.
Go away and never come home again!
Instead, she turned her back on him, adjusted the mattress on Raymond’s bed, and tucked the sheet into place. She smoothed the quilts on each bed—red, white, and blue pinwheel patterns. She had made them last year right before her baptism.
Yost slumped his shoulders and leaned against the doorjamb. “I’m sorry, Miriam.”
Miriam stood up straight and looked at her brother. The pain she saw in his eyes almost cracked the wall of her anger. “Straighten the drawers. And refold Raymond’s clothes too. You owe him that much.”
She marched out of the room and downstairs to the kitchen to make breakfast for the family. Holding back self-indulgent tears, she pulled bacon from the icebox and arranged it in the skillet. Then she whipped up pancake batter and poured four perfect circles into the second skillet. When the batter began to bubble, she tried to turn the pancakes…only to discover that they were stuck like glue. She had forgotten the oil.
Gripping her spatula with white knuckles, she scraped the pan vigorously until the first pancake surrendered its hold on the skillet and folded into a doughy heap. With the half-cooked pancake balanced on her spatula, she walked to the garbage can and flipped the pancake in. Of course, the ruined pancake wouldn’t go quietly. Dough splattered on the wall behind the garbage can and on the floor in front of it.
Miriam slammed the spatula onto the counter, unrolled seven or eight sections of paper towel, and wiped up her mess. About the time she got rid of all the little drops of pancake batter, she smelled burning dough. Jumping to her feet, she snatched the skillet off the cookstove and burned her thumb. She hissed in pain and frustration as she looked at her cooking efforts thus far. Raw bacon and pancakes…doughy on one side, charred to a crisp on the other.
She couldn’t help herself. She burst into tears and cried like a newborn
buplie.
Tears sizzled on the skillet as she scraped out the rest of the blackened pancakes and tossed them into the garbage.
Mamm must have heard the screeching of metal against metal. She appeared at Miriam’s side, put her arm around her, and gently took the spatula from her hand. “Oh,
leibe.
You carry everyone’s sorrow in your apron pocket.”
“Everything is all wrong,” Miriam said. “How can everything be so wrong?”
Mamm held Miriam’s chin in her hand “You need to get out of the house, away from our problems. Go. Go take a walk.”
Miriam didn’t argue. She longed for a break from the depressing atmosphere of the house. Because of their troubles, Martha had given her some time off from the quilt shop, but that only served to make Miriam feel isolated and trapped.
“Go. I will see if I can rescue breakfast.” Mamm gave Miriam a half smile and nudged her out of the kitchen.
Miriam retrieved her black bonnet from the hook and practically sprinted out the door. She knew exactly how she wanted to spend the morning.
The walk to Seth Lambright’s ranch took almost a half hour. In her solitude, she found it impossible to think of anything but the dreadful circumstances of her family. Her mind jumped from Susie to Yost and back again, and the closer she got to Seth’s place, the heavier her steps became. By the time she turned into the lane, she felt as if she had an anvil in her chest instead of a heart.
Even though she wanted to see the foals, Miriam dreaded the reception she would get from Seth. Would he lecture her as Ephraim had done? Or gloat over the stuck-up girl’s misfortunes?
What did it matter? She deserved every unsympathetic look or cross word she got.
This time she didn’t knock. She pushed open the stable door and took a tentative step into the dim space.
Seth stood with his thumbs hooked around his suspenders, talking to an Englischer who wore jeans and a green button-down shirt. Seth looked up and flashed a genuine, if tentative, smile. The expression took her breath away. The comfort of a friendly face almost brought forth a fresh bout of tears.
“Miriam, this is my friend Doug Matthews.”
Doug, the Englischer, stepped forward as if he would run her over and took Miriam’s hand firmly in his. “Nice to meet you.”
“I am sorry if I am interrupting,” Miriam said.
Doug shook his head. “Not at all. I was just leaving. We’ll see you next Tuesday night, Seth.”
“You go it,” Seth responded, as he watched Doug walk out the door.
“I thought you might be at the mill this morning,” Miriam said.
Seth hung a harness on a hook on the stable wall. “I work the afternoon shift. Come to see the horses?”
Miriam nodded.
“They are in the pasture. Cum.”
With measured steps, she followed him behind the stable as she had before to where the foals played in the pasture with their mothers.
“They have grown since last time.”
“Jah, they grow so fast you can almost watch it before your eyes.”
Miriam clicked her tongue and held her hand between the slats in the fence. The foals paid her no heed.
Seth tapped the top of the fence. “I will fetch some apples.”
He jogged back to the stable and reappeared shortly with some apple slices, which he handed to Miriam.
She stuck her hand between the slats again and called to the horses. The bait worked. All four horses trotted her way. She spread her fingers and let the colt take the piece of apple out of her hand. She fed each horse one slice of apple and then rubbed the colt’s nose while he nudged her arm looking for more.
Yost loved apples. Miriam had made him a half dozen fancy caramel apples for his birthday last winter. He had been so excited that he practically danced around the kitchen. That was the last time she saw him so happy.
Miriam took a deep breath and tried to cleanse the dark feeling from her soul, but she couldn’t find a speck of hope.
Not even the foals could lift her spirits today.
“Does Ephraim like horses?” Seth asked. “Maybe you should get two horses so both of you can ride.”
The mention of Ephraim brought to mind their last encounter.
“Yost must repent quickly of this great wickedness. I don’t want anything to delay our wedding.”
Did he truly see Yost’s sins as a stumbling block to their wedding? Was her happiness in jeopardy because of her brother’s wickedness?
Anxiety overwhelmed her, and the tears began to flow despite all her efforts to stifle them.
“Miriam, what is wrong? Did I say something to upset you?”
Miriam dragged the back of her hand over her eyes, but new tears took the place of the old ones faster than she could wipe them off. “I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to…” Her attempt at speech made the crying worse. A sob escaped her lips, and she couldn’t stop her limbs from trembling.
The look of concern in Seth’s gray eyes turned to alarm. He put an arm around her and took her by the elbow. “Cum inside. It is too hot out here.”
She let him lead her into the cool stable, where he pulled a folding chair out of his tiny sleeping room and bid her to sit. She sank to the chair and wiped her eyes again.
Seth handed her a handkerchief.
She nodded her thanks, buried her face in the white fabric, and wept as if no one were watching. Let Seth think what he wanted. She was too distraught to care.
The pain, the humiliation, rushed at her like a swollen river. What if Yost did not mend his ways and had to spend his life in prison? What if he got addicted to drugs? Was he a wicked boy beyond help? And Susie, Susie, who always seemed like a delicate, beautiful flower, had fallen onto forbidden paths. Now she faced exile and the pain of giving up her baby to the care of strangers. Where had their family gone wrong?
Where had she gone wrong?
With every emotion spent, Miriam blew her nose in a very unladylike manner and looked up to see Seth sitting next to her on another folding chair with his brows furrowed and a worried frown on his lips. He leaned toward her with his elbows propped on his knees and studied her face.
“I’m sorry,” she said, her voice cracking in an effort to stifle the sobs.
He held up his hand. “No need to apologize.”
He fell silent, and she refused to speak until she could do so with composure. Her sniffles echoed off the high ceiling of the stable as she felt his gaze upon her.
He cleared his throat. “Do you want to be alone? I can step outside.”
She shook her head. “I am sorry. I did not mean to disturb you like this.”
“There is nothing to be sorry for.”
“If I had known I was going to bawl like a baby, I would have been sure to go to the market and let everyone stare at me.”
Seth gave her a half smile. “Everyone stares at you anyway.”
“They do?”
“Because you are so pretty.”
Miriam felt her face flush hotter than it already was. “I am not.”
Seth looked suddenly uncomfortable, averted his intense gaze, and leaned back in his chair.
“I should not go out in public until I can think about Yost without crying,” she said.
“What is wrong with Yost?”
“You know. His arrest.”
Seth’s eyes went wide. “He was arrested? For what?”
“You haven’t heard?”
“I had two shifts off at the mill this week, and I’ve been sleeping here for three days,” Seth said. “And I try not to listen to gossip.”
The shame almost choked her. “The police arrested Yost ten days ago for selling drugs.”
Seth rubbed the back of his neck. “I can’t believe it.”
“They locked him up in detention Wednesday night and then they let him come home. Dat was very angry.”
Miriam half expected Seth to make some sort of excuse to leave her presence. Instead, he pulled his chair closer. She felt the warmth spread through her as he put his hand over hers. “Oh Miriam. I am so very sorry. You must feel terrible.”
“I do. Yost has disgraced the entire family.”
“Is that what you think?” He stiffened and withdrew his hand. “Or is it what Ephraim told you?”
“It is what everybody thinks.”
“I don’t think that.” Seth leaned his elbows on his knees once more and laced his fingers together. “Is Yost okay?”
“I don’t know.”
“I am sure he is suffering. I can’t imagine being taken away by the police and put in that awful place.”
“Don’t you think he deserves the punishment?”
Seth rested his chin in his palm. “It is not mine to judge what Yost deserves. His own conscience is punishment enough, I’m sure. I am more concerned for his well-being. People are always more important than what they have done.”
Miriam thought of Yost’s grief-stricken face and mournful moaning on the night of his release. She had been so preoccupied with her own embarrassment that she hadn’t cared about Yost’s. Thinking of his pain took her breath away. Why hadn’t she shown more sympathy for her brother?
“I have worked alongside Yost at frolics and barn raisings,” Seth said. “He is a hard worker and a gute boy. Never has a cross word for anyone. It wonders me why he did this. Is he using drugs?”
“They did a drug test when they arrested him. Nothing was in his system, praise the Lord. That is why they let him go. He wanted the money to buy a car.”