“I want to know everything,” Susie said.
Miriam swished her soapy rag around the bowl before handing it to Susie to rinse and dry. They had done dishes together after breakfast ever since she could remember.
Miriam mustered a cheerful tone to her voice. “I already told you. We played volleyball. It was fun.”
“Did people talk about me? What did they say? Do they hate me?”
Focusing her gaze out the window and concentrating very hard on the cow grazing in the pasture was the only thing that kept Miriam from dissolving into tears.
Think about the cow. She gives such gute milk. I wonder if Callie gathered the eggs this morning.
“Do they hate me?” repeated Susie.
“Of course they don’t hate you. The Wengerd girls are praying for you. Cousin Elmer says he loves you. Hollow and Esther are worried about you. Almost everyone I talked to told me they hope the best for you. They were very kind.”
Susie placed her clean stack of bowls in the cupboard. “I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. Do you think they know that?”
Miriam dried her hands and squeezed Susie’s wrist. She couldn’t look her in the eyes for fear that Susie would see something amiss. “They know, Susie, and they love you. It will still be hard. Many won’t know what to say to you, but I think things are going to be okay.”
Susie threw her arms around Miriam, oblivious to the throbbing heartache below the surface of Miriam’s smile.
“I was so nervous when you left for the gathering last night. I didn’t want people to treat you bad because of me. Oh Miriam, I am so relieved.”
Miriam resisted the blissful innocence of her sister’s embrace and pulled away. “Are you going to work today?”
“Jah. Hollow is picking me up in a few minutes. He says he will not have me walking to work in my condition. I told him that was a silly notion, but he wouldn’t listen to any objections.”
“Go get ready,” Miriam said. “I will wipe the cupboards.”
Susie tripped lightly out of the kitchen. The difference in her demeanor from just a few days ago was stark, even astonishing.
Miriam knew with all her heart that they had done the right thing by Susie. But she still felt as if a pile of stones sat on her chest and made it impossible for her heart to keep beating.
She heard a knock at the door.
She didn’t think she could bear to face Hollow and his persistent cheerfulness this morning. Miriam slipped out the back door and plopped herself on the steps to wait for Hollow and Susie’s exit. Once they left, she would finish up in the kitchen and then spend the day working in the garden, where she could water the dirt with her tears and avoid the curious eyes of her family. Praise the Lord she had the day off.
How long would Ephraim’s rejection be a secret? If she could keep her family in the dark for another month or even two, Susie may not ever realize that Ephraim’s decision had to do with her transgression. There was enough misery to go around without adding that to Susie’s burden.
Miriam’s every thought and hope revolved around Ephraim. He held all her dreams in his hands, and he had crushed them like fragile flowers.
Miriam caught her breath as a wave of despair engulfed her. She didn’t know how to live her life without Ephraim. She leaned back on her hands, tilted her face toward the sky, and got a head start on her crying for the day.
She wasn’t aware of Seth’s presence until he spoke. “Hullo.”
Miriam sat up straight and quickly wiped the tears from her face. “Hi.”
He looked like he was in mourning. His eyes appeared black-gray under his half-open lids. The corners of his mouth were turned down, and his forehead furrowed with worry lines. He stood with his shoulders slumped, one hand holding a beribboned shoe box and the other hand stuffed into his pocket.
“Can I sit?” he said.
Still trying to clear away the tears, Miriam sniffed and nodded.
He trudged up the three steps and sat next to her. Resting his arms on his knees, he put the box between them and fixed his eyes on the cow Miriam had been so interested in earlier.
Although she’d thought she wanted to be alone, she somehow found Seth’s quiet presence comforting. He knew about everything already. She suddenly didn’t feel so isolated.
Miriam didn’t know how long they sat there—five minutes, ten?— but the knots in her neck slowly untied and the urge to cry retreated to the very back corner of her heart.
He didn’t offer a useless word of condolence or comfort, simply sat still so she wouldn’t have to sit by herself.
“I don’t think even my mamm has seen me cry as much as you have,” she finally said, embarrassed at the truth of her words.
“It is not your fault if you feel like crying every time you see me. I have that effect on babies and small children too.”
“What’s in the box?”
Seth picked up the shoe box and handed it to Miriam. His half smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Priscilla wanted you to have this. She hoped it would make you feel better.”
Miriam untied the bright pink ribbon around the box and lifted the lid. Lady Dancing lay inside, wrapped in the Nine-Patch quilt she and Priscilla and Laura had made together.
Miriam’s heart almost stopped beating. “I can’t take this. This is Priscilla’s most precious possession.”
“You mean a great deal to Priscilla. I can’t think of anyone else she would sacrifice her doll for.”
“But you know I can’t keep this.”
“I was afraid the doll would make you feel worse,” Seth said.
“It does.”
“Please, keep it. Priscilla was so eager that you have it. Maybe her sacrifice will help you remember how important you are to many, many people, even if there are a few who will never recognize your true worth.”
A lump stuck in Miriam’s throat. “I will,” she said, pulling the doll from the box and cradling it like a real baby.
“Denki.” Seth clenched his teeth and turned his eyes to the pasture again. The cow grazed peacefully, oblivious to all the attention it drew this morning.
“Are you angry?” she said.
Seth balled his fists. “He should be ashamed of the way he treated you.”
“Please, say nothing against Ephraim. I love him.”
Seth flinched and hung his head. “I’m sorry.”
She nudged him with her shoulder. “Thank you for caring.”
As if she had a stiff wind behind her, Susie came tearing around the corner of the house, with Hollow following. She pulled her mouth into an awkward grimace as her face turned beet red. “Why didn’t you tell me you fell ill last night?” Her question seemed more like an accusation.
“I didn’t fall ill.”
Susie shook her finger at Miriam. “You and Ephraim were talking and then Seth had to carry you to his buggy.”
Seth turned to stone beside her, and Hollow shifted his gaze from Miriam to Susie and back again.
“She felt shaky after our volleyball game,” Seth volunteered. “I offered to drive her home.”
Susie ignored Seth and glared at Miriam. “Why didn’t Ephraim drive you home? He is practically your fiancé.”
“He wanted to stay longer,” Miriam stuttered. Her heart sank. Her secret was about to shatter.
“He was too busy driving Sarah Schwartz home,” Susie protested. “Miriam, look at me.” She marched up the steps and pulled Miriam to her feet with uncharacteristic firmness. “He called it off between the two of you, didn’t he? He doesn’t want to marry you now.” A sob tore out of Susie’s throat. “Because of me.” She wrapped her arms around Miriam’s neck.
Miriam had no words of comfort to offer. There were none in the whole world that could make their hurt disappear.
“I am sorry,” Hollow murmured. “I thought Miriam took sick. Honest. I didn’t think—”
“Hush, Hollow,” Miriam said as she rubbed her hand up and down Susie’s back. “You have no fault in this.”
Susie was inconsolable. She groaned from the very depths of her soul. “Don’t hate me. Don’t hate me, Miriam.”
Seth stepped off the porch as if there were no room for him. He and Hollow tried to look invisible. Miriam didn’t blame them. They must have felt like intruders.
Susie’s distress broke through Miriam’s already-weak defenses, and she let the tears flow right along with her sister’s. The only thing they had left was their mutual grief.
“I would have gone to Canada,” Susie cried. “If you wanted me to go, I would have gone.”
Hollow and Seth had disappeared. Miriam pulled Susie down to sit on the steps while keeping an arm around her. She brushed a finger against Susie’s chin and compelled her to meet her eyes. “Think about how sad you were to leave us. I couldn’t bear to ask you to go.”
“But you lost Ephraim because of me. You should not have been the one to make the sacrifice. I am the one who committed the sin, and you are paying for it.”
Miriam took a deep breath and found her composure. “We bear one another’s burdens. They belong to the entire family. Lord willing, this will work out to our good. ‘All things work together for good to them that love God.’”
“But it still hurts,” Susie said.
“Worse than anything.”
They sat clasped in each other’s arms until there were no more tears to shed.
Susie looked around. “Where did they go?”
Miriam sighed. “If they were smart, they hightailed it to Minnesota to get as far away as possible from two blubbering girls.”
Susie stood and smoothed her dress and apron. She pulled a hanky from her sleeve and dabbed her face for any errant tears. “Do you think Hollow gave up and left without me?”
“Let’s find out.”
They walked arm in arm to the front of the house, where Hollow and Seth stood talking in hushed voices. They turned their heads at the same time.
“Do not be alarmed,” Miriam said. “The Bontrager sisters are done bursting into tears for the rest of the day. Or, at least, we promise not to cry for the next hour.”
Hollow didn’t shed his troubled expression. “Don’t worry about coming to work today, Susie. It has been a bad few days for all of us. You need to rest.”
Susie lifted her chin and wiped her hand across her moist eyes. “I will be a mother soon, and I am going to stop acting like a baby right now. Let’s get to work.”
Hollow cracked a smile and motioned to the buggy. “Your ride is waiting.”
Susie stomped past him. “And I am perfectly able to walk to work from now on.”
“Oh no, you aren’t.”
They continued to contradict each other until Hollow helped Susie into the buggy, hopped in the other side, and guided the horse down the lane.
Miriam watched them down the road until, out of the corners of her eyes, she caught Seth staring at her.
She turned to him. “What?”
“I don’t know how I could have been so wrong about you, Miriam Bontrager. I wanted to believe that you were a certain type of person so I could tell myself you were not worth my time. The more I get to know you, the more I am ashamed of myself. You tried to shield your sister from what happened last night to protect her feelings. You are…”
Miriam’s breath caught. “What?”
Seth’s gaze met hers. “Astonishing.”
Miriam felt warmth pulse through her veins. After all the trouble today, the sensation was very pleasant indeed. “The terrible news needn’t hurt both of us.”
“I’ve never known someone as kind as you, except for maybe my mother.”
“Ach, Seth. I wish I were what you say. I have so many faults yet. As you said, I am a snob.”
“Nae, you are not.”
Miriam was ready to contradict Seth once again when Yost came out the front door. “Miriam, do you know where my pocketknife is?”
Miriam shook her head. “You are not allowed to have a pocketknife until probation is over.”
“That’s not true.”
“Jah, the officer told me.”
Yost scowled. “They won’t even let me use a pocketknife to whittle a stick? Who made that stupid rule?”
“I do not know who made it, but you must follow it.”
Yost stomped down the steps. “Where did you hide my pocketknife?”
“You will get it back when probation is over.”
Seth stepped forward and placed a brotherly hand on Yost’s shoulder. “Hello, Yost. How are you doing?”
Miriam knew Yost liked Seth okay, but he was in a surly mood. “How would you be doing if you were forced to sit in the house all day and listen to your little brothers whine and your sisters boss you around?”
“Miriam says you have done really well, even being cooped up.”
“I feel like I am going crazy,” Yost said.
Seth glanced at Miriam. “I have a group that meets every Tuesday night at my stable—just people who are going through hard times. We get together to talk about our problems and what we can do to solve them. You are invited to come, if you want.”
“Oh, that’s great,” said Yost, shrugging Seth’s hand off his shoulder. “Now you think I am crazy too.”
“Nae, not at all. We just talk.”
“The last thing I need is your pity.” Yost bounded up the steps in two long strides, escaped into the house, and slammed the door so hard, it made Miriam jump.
Seth stuffed his hands into his pockets. “I shouldn’t have said anything. He’s not ready. How could I be so deerich? I made things worse.”
“They can’t get any worse,” Miriam said. “It will take time with Yost. He is so angry yet.”
“I am sorry I interfered. I really came over today to deliver a message from Laura. She has picked the fabric she wants for her quilt, if you still feel up to helping her with it.”
“Of course. I want to help.”
“I am sorry about what happened last night. It upset me to see you so distressed.”
“I did not thank you properly for taking me away from there. I wouldn’t have been able to take a step on my own.”
“You are welcome. If there is anything I can do—”
“Will you take me to see the horses?”
“Jah, of course.”
Miriam took a deep breath. “But since the wedding is off, maybe neither of them is mine anymore.”
“Your dat made a down payment on a horse. He didn’t say you must marry to own it. Besides, two years is a long time.” He cleared his throat. “Maybe you will find someone else.”
Realization sucked all the wind out of Miriam’s lungs. “I won’t marry. How could I ever?” With that, she broke her recent promise, covered her face in her hands, and wept.