Memoirs of a Neurotic Zombie (11 page)

The hungry vamps assembled in the quad outside Convocation Hall and prepared for take-off.

‘Corina,’ I said, interrupting her as she received a constant stream of  well-wishers. ‘What about Nesto and me?’

‘It’s always about you, isn’t it?’ she said. I think the fame was going to her head. Either that or she was just being Corina.

She looked around the quad at the hundreds of vampires hovering just a foot or so off the ground and spotted a park bench. ‘Hop on, boys,’ she said.

I noticed a splat of bird poo on one side and decided that Nesto wouldn’t mind too much. ‘After you,’ I said politely, gesturing to the poopy side of the bench.

He climbed on, perched up on his feet and I sat beside him, carefully avoiding any bird droppings.

‘Hang on,’ she said, ‘be right back.’

I sat there with Nesto, watching the vampires milling around, just off the ground, chatting excitedly to each other in all sorts of languages I didn’t understand.

When Corina returned, she wasn’t alone. I nearly bounced off the bench.

‘Hey, Adam,’ said Crash, the guy I’d accidentally crushed to death a few weeks ago.

Awkward
.

Crash looked much better than the last time I’d seen him, when Corina had saved him from human death (and thus saved me from being a murderer) and turned him into a vampire. He was paler now, with darker eyes. And he stood up straight, taller.

‘Corina tells me I’m your ride,’ he said.

‘What do ya think?’ Corina asked. ‘Vampirism looks good on him, doesn’t it?’

It really did.

Instead of his torn jeans and leather jacket, he wore a grey suit over a crisp white shirt. He looked more European cologne model than backstreet drug dealer. Though I wondered,
As a bloodsucker, is white really the best choice?
I was worried about his stain-removal
strategy but decided to keep my laundry anxiety to myself. I simply said, ‘Looking good, Crash.’

He grabbed the arm of the bench closer to me and Corina took the one near Nesto (and the bird poo) and they effortlessly lifted the bench into the air. At first my legs swung just a few feet off the ground, but then, as Konrad rose higher, the vampires followed him into the sky and we soared high above the university.

I sat back on the bench and gripped the wooden slats.

‘Nervous flyer?’ asked Crash.

‘More like a nervous faller,’ I said, since Park Bench Airways did not have any seatbelts.

‘This is so chupamazing!’ shouted Nesto. ‘I can see my house from up here.’

He leaned over the back and hocked a big loogie
*
right onto his roof.

‘
Really
?’ I said.

‘Yeah, c’mon, do your house, Adam, we’re right above it.’

I looked down and spotted my house. I was still mad at Mom and Dad for renting out our rooms and sending us away to camp, but I did miss them. They were on their way home, their second honeymoon cut short, and I wondered if they missed us. They said they were going to have some ‘adult time’, which is usually their term for emptying a bottle of wine once Amanda and I go to bed (I take out the recycling, reducing our household contribution to landfill and giving me an inside scoop on what’s being consumed). I wasn’t going to spit on our house, but I did notice the garden needed a good water.

‘Mom’s going to be sad if her flowers wilt,’ I said. ‘The vampires don’t exactly have green thumbs.’

Nesto stood up on the bench and unzipped his shorts. He smirked at me with a devilish grin. ‘If they need a watering, I could—’

‘Do you want me to let go?’ asked Corina.

Nesto sat back down.

‘Good chupa,’ she said.

Corina and Crash flew us higher, into the clouds. I felt the fine mist of the clouds whip against my decomposing skin.

Once we were above the clouds the vampire swarm picked up speed. I held on tight but Corina and Crash
kept us steady. Not bound by roads, we flew north over the bright lights of Columbus and then over the eastern edge of Lake Erie.

‘Hey look, guys,’ I said, spotting below a massive plume of lit-up mist rise into the night sky. ‘There’s the Falls!’

The horseshoe-shaped waterfall was pink, and then green. As we soared high above one of the wonders of the world, the water was illuminated with every colour of the rainbow. It was mesmerising, and for a brief moment I forgot all about vampires and cannibals and doughnuts, and watched as the colourful water rushed over a hidden cliff, as it had probably done since the days of the dinosaurs.

Poor dinosaurs
, I thought, suddenly remembering I was flying with a flock of vampires.

‘Can you believe we actually did that?’ said Nesto. ‘That was so cool.’

Now that I was safely out of the tin can and flying over the mighty Niagara Falls, it was cool. That’s what I loved about my friends – we did crazy, daring things, things that before, all by myself, I’d have been too scared to even dream about. But we did them.

Together
.

We cut the corner of Lake Ontario and pushed north of the suburban sprawl that hugged the lake’s shore. Finally, as we flew over the great expanse of dark wilderness below, the sky was lit only by the twinkling galaxy above.

I tilted my head back and gaped at the constellations. I felt my stomach rise as we began our descent into Camp Nowannakidda airspace.

‘Better close your mouth, Adam,’ said Crash. ‘It’s one of the little tricks you learn the hard way when you start flying.’

‘Good point,’ I said, shutting my fly trapper. I was not interested in ingesting any insects.

Finally, we flew over the fenced-in camp. The vampires descended in the main field in front of the mess hall. All of the campers were tucked up in their tents and as we silently touched down, with not so much as a bump, I might add, I heard the camp counsellors in the dining hall talking and laughing.

I nudged Corina and pointed. ‘They’re in there,’ I whispered.

Corina found Konrad and lowered her head in respect. ‘My elder, that’s an all-you-can-eat buffet in there.’

The childlike vampire elder grinned a predator’s grin. ‘Why don’t you introduce us?’

Corina looked at Nesto and I. ‘Come on guys, let’s say hello and goodbye.’

As we approached the door, I heard old Mrs Lebkuchen: ‘You’ve done well, my children. This year’s batch may be our best yet. The campers are getting fatter, tastier.’

Corina pushed open the door. Mrs Lebkuchen stood, hunched on her cane, talking to the dozen camp counsellors who were spread around three small tables, stuffing themselves on boxes of Can Nibble doughnuts.

Mrs Lebkuchen noticed me and narrowed her sunken eyes. ‘
Healthier
, I mean.’

The camp staff all turned to see me standing at the doorway.

‘Um, Adam,’ said Growl, ‘the mess hall’s off limits to campers after dinner, you should be—’

‘Save it, Growl. I know what you cannibals are really up to – fattening us up so you can donutify us. Which is really disgusting, by the way.’

They laughed.

‘You’re acting crazy, Adam,’ said Growl.

‘And
crazy
is rescuing your ingredients,’ I said.

‘Yeah, you and what army?’ asked Duke.

‘You probably didn’t want to ask that,’ I said, stepping aside.

Konrad walked through the door and inhaled. He took a big breath in through his nose and closed his eyes, savouring the smell.

‘We thank you, Count,’ he began, ‘for what we are about to receive. For this bountifully place filled with humans who eat humans.’

Mrs Lebkuchen raised her cane at me. ‘You cannot stop us. There will always be children who wander into the woods, happy to eat our food … to
become
our food. And people always look the other way.’

‘You’re about to wish we never wandered into your woods,’ said Corina, turning to leave.

I held Mrs Lebkuchen’s gaze. ‘And I’m not looking away,’ I said. ‘I’m looking right at you, and I see pure evil.’

Nesto and I followed Corina out of the door as the waiting vampires filed past us, storming the dining hall for their midnight feast.

We heard screams as the vampires finally got their sacrifice. Corina stood beside me, listening to the howls of horror coming from inside.

I turned to her, transfixed by the sound of the killing, and asked, ‘You don’t want to join in?’

‘I do, but I won’t,’ she said. ‘I want to feed, but I’m going to keep it in check.’

‘We can always stop for doughnuts on the way home,’ I half-joked to try to get a smile from her.

‘Don’t tempt me,’ she said, suppressing a grin.

‘Wouldn’t dream of it,’ I said. ‘But we should get home.’

‘Do we have to?’ whined Nesto. ‘I want to say “Hi” and “Bye” to somebody first.’

‘A certain weremoose?’ asked Corina.

‘Maybe.’

‘Go find her,’ I said.

Nesto jumped down onto all fours and let out a howl. Within seconds, he’d transformed back into his slimy chupa self. He howled again.

From the trees, a moose call answered back.

Corina and I arrived at the tents where the kids were sleeping. They had no idea that in just a few days they would have become tasty pastries.

‘Should we tell them?’ I asked.

‘Would they believe us?’

‘I’m still not sure I believe it,’ I said. But that wasn’t true. After facing down zealous zombees and cannibalistic camp counsellors, I was starting to think that there was nothing in the world that could surprise me any more.

And then I felt something wet on my cheek.

Corina had kissed me.

‘Thanks for believing in me,’ she said. ‘At the convention.’

I touched my cheek, the sensation of the kiss slowly disappearing, and wrestled with a moral dilemma.
Should I ever wash it again? But of course, there was really no question –
hygiene first
.

‘You believed in yourself,’ I said. ‘And I don’t care what your parents say, everyone listened to you.’

‘You’re a good friend, Adam,’ she said.

Oh come on! Seriously
, I thought.
Still in the friend zone?

Another howl broke the night-time sound of crickets. Corina pulled me past the tents, towards the treeline. I was hopeful for another kiss, but it wasn’t to be.

‘Shhhh,’ she said, grabbing hold of me and flying us up into the trees.

She popped us onto a branch (I was getting used to this) and pointed down. ‘Now isn’t that cute?’

Below our dangling feet, our friend, the scaly chupacabra, rubbed noses with Melissa the weremoose. Nesto howled gently and she answered back with her trumpet call.

Corina and I giggled.

‘I know you’re up there!’ called Nesto. ‘I have enhanced hearing, you know!’

‘Are you two making out?’ shouted Melissa the moose. ‘Aren’t they cute, Nesty?’

‘This is madness,’ grunted Corina. She grabbed me and we descended in a controlled plummet.

‘Hi, Nesto,’ I said. ‘Hi, Melissa.’

‘Honestly.’ The moose laughed. ‘I think you three can’t be away from each other for, like, five seconds.’

‘We’re a pretty good team,’ I said.

‘I’d say,’ she said. ‘You flew in a bunch of vampires to take out that old witch and her minions. She’s been haunting these woods since my grandmoose was just a calf.’

‘I don’t think you and your herd will have to worry about them any more,’ I said.

‘Cannibals out, vampires in,’ Melissa snorted.

‘She’s got a point,’ said Corina.

‘Of course I’ve got a point, I always have a point,’ Melissa bellowed.

‘I like her,
Nesty
,’ said Corina.

‘So do I,’ he replied.

‘Melissa, can I ask you a favour?’ I said.

‘I’m not introducing you to my sister,’ she said. ‘I think you’re taken.’ Melissa nudged her head against the fence at Corina.

‘Gross,’ said Corina.

‘Okay, maybe I will,’ quipped Melissa.

With my unbeating heart well and truly crushed, I asked Melissa if she and her father and the rest of the herd would keep their eyes open and antlers fixed on the visiting vampires. ‘I don’t know if any of them intend to stay,’ I said, ‘but it’d be great if they didn’t extend their feast to include the entire country.’

‘Think it serves them right,’ said Melissa. ‘The whole country’s been chomping on children for years. Gobbling up their doughnuts and keeping this place going.’

‘She
does
have a point,’ agreed Corina. ‘Maybe the vampires should stay – take their sacrifice on the people. Every doughnut dipper up here is guilty.’

‘But they didn’t know,’ I said.

‘They didn’t ask,’ said Melissa. ‘They’re totally complicit.’

I thought hard about this – it made my brain hurt. Did she have a point? Everyone was happily eating doughnuts made from people and nobody bothered to ask where the deliciousness actually came from. My dad had always said that ‘ignorance was no excuse’, but I wondered if ignorance
of ignorance
was. Did they even know how ignorant they were?

Maybe instead of unleashing a swarm of vampires on these cannibals of convenience, it would be a lot better to expose the truth.

‘We’re going to stay,’ I said.

‘Yay!’ shouted Ernesto.

‘We are?’ asked Corina.

‘Yep, we’ve got the camp to ourselves for nearly two more weeks and we can make sure everyone knows what was really happening here.’

‘And we can help,’ said a woman’s voice from the darkness. It was Corina’s mom.

‘Are you spying on me?’ Corina asked.

‘We were looking for you,’ said her dad, his one hand holding her mother’s. ‘We wanted to apologise.’

Nesto whispered to Melissa. ‘I didn’t know vampires knew how to do that.’

‘You made us very proud tonight, Corina,’ said Mrs Parker. ‘It was very brave. And I haven’t been very—’

‘Nice,’ said Corina.

‘Understanding,’ she said. ‘It’s hard …’

‘Living with you, sure is,’ snapped Corina.

‘I didn’t want this life for you, and I suppose it’s easier to ignore you than to face up to the fact that you’re inheriting a life neither of us wanted. Your father and
I were made vampires – we weren’t born this way. We didn’t even want children—’

‘Thanks,’ sniffled Corina. I tried to put my arm around her, but she shoved me off.

‘Corina, we love you,’ her mother said. ‘We just never wanted this kind of life for you. You’re our beautiful baby girl, and it kills us a little bit every day that you’re growing into the monster that we’ve become.’

‘I’m just me, Mom,’ said Corina.

‘You showed us that tonight,’ said Dr Parker. ‘Like Adam said, you showed us that you’re
better
– better than us, and better than our fears of what you’d become.’

He reached out his one arm and drew Corina into a hug. Corina let her mom in too, until all three Parkers were squeezed tight like a vampire triple-pack.

‘We have something to show you,’ said Mrs Parker. ‘Children, you may all wish to see this. Especially you, Adam.’

Corina’s parents led us back towards the mess hall. Melissa came too after Corina hopped the fence and carried her back over, in a pretty girl form.

‘I’m fairly sure I don’t need to see this,’ I said, as we approached the scene of the vampire sacrifice.

Elder Konrad was waiting at the door, his hands
folded neatly in front of him. ‘There they are,’ he said. ‘The three brave souls who stood up to our kind. And who is this? A female werewolf.’

‘Moose,’ said Melissa. ‘Werewolves are wimps. Moose are mega.’

‘Indeed.’ Konrad laughed, gesturing to the door. ‘If you please.’

I stepped in reluctantly, expecting to see hollowed-out bodies, guts on the floor, and the wood timbers of the building spray-painted in blood. But instead we found our captors on their knees, hands tied behind their backs.

‘You didn’t …
sacrifice
them?’ I asked.

‘We sure scared them, but we exercised restraint,’ Konrad said, looking at Corina. ‘We tried to be a bit
better
than our usual selves.’

‘But they’re evil,’ said Corina.

‘And they’ll be punished,’ said Mrs Parker.

‘Once
you
call the police to arrest them,’ said Dr Parker.

‘I know just who to call,’ said Corina, pulling Officer Bobert Campbell’s card out of her pocket. She looked at me sternly, but a smile won out. ‘Just no more show tunes.’

‘I can’t make that promise,’ I teased.

Konrad approached Corina and said, ‘You’ve given us a lot to think about. You’d make a great elder one day, Corina Parker.’

‘Maybe one day,’ she said. ‘But right now I want to hang out with my friends. Oh, and get these cannibals busted.’

‘That’s my girl,’ said Mrs Parker.

Konrad walked slowly out of the mess hall and rounded up his flock. He rose into the air and the vampires followed him into the night sky. The swarm of bloodsuckers clouded out the stars and disappeared to the south, leaving us to our summer camp.

‘We’ll guard them,’ said Dr Parker. ‘You kids deserve some fun tonight.’

‘I have just the idea,’ I said, zipping into the kitchen and finding graham crackers, bars of chocolate and marshmallows. ‘Who’s hungry for s’mores?’

The four of us – a zombie, a vampire, a chupacabra and a weremoose – walked down to the lakefront and built a fire. And finally just … hung out with nothing to worry about.