Memoirs of a Neurotic Zombie (10 page)

From the Parker’s front yard I caught a glimpse of Corina soaring across the early evening sky.

‘She’s going to be seen,’ fretted Ernesto. I wondered if my worrying nature was beginning to rub off on my friends.

‘By who? Just a bunch of vampires waking up, getting ready to murder people they think are inferior,’ I said. ‘C’mon, I think I know where she’s going.’

Nesto and I walked down the street, around two corners, and entered the forest surrounded by houses. It was getting darker now and the setting sun flickered through the leaves, giving the forest a blue tinge in some parts and a rippling burnt orange in others.

‘Corina!’ I called up to the treetops.

‘Go away,’ she yelled back.

‘Your parents are idiots,’ I said.

I spotted Corina perching on a tall branch of an oak tree. ‘Of course they are,’ she said. ‘They’re parents. That’s their job. And my parents are just really, really good at it.’

Nesto shivered and shook, his light-brown skin popped yellowish-green scales and he let out a fast rip of a
roar
. He pounced onto all fours and looked back at me. His face was completely chupafied, but his clothes were still on. He was getting really good at transformation. For a brief moment, I was jealous that he could switch back and forth so easily.

‘Climb on,’ he urged.

‘Um.’ I hesitated. ‘You mean like
touching
you?’

‘Hop on, Adam. It’s the fastest way.’

I climbed on his back and wobbled uneasily as he trotted towards the tree.

‘I’d really like a seat belt with a five-point harness,’ I said. ‘And a helmet.’

Nesto stood on his hind legs and clawed at the tree with his front claws. I leaned forward and held onto him as we quickly rose up the tree trunk. Leaves and small branches slapped me in the face as we climbed.

‘Can you watch where you’re going, Nesto?’

‘Can you be grateful for the lift?’ he asked back.

‘Fair enough,’ I admitted.

Finally, we reached the branch where Corina was sitting. She pushed  off and floated in the air as if to fly away.

‘Wait,’ I asked, as I clutched onto the safety of the branch. ‘Has this been load-tested?’

‘I’m outta here,’ she said.

I walked closer along the ever-thinning branch. I could feel it dip down, but as much as I wanted to turn back, I knew she needed us. ‘Corina, we need you. Everyone needs you’

‘Not my parents.’

‘Then move in with me,’ I offered. ‘My parents already like you more than they like me.’

‘They wouldn’t if I sucked their blood dry.’

Yes
, I thought,
that would tip me back into their favour
.

‘Obviously,’ I said. ‘But I know and you know, and they don’t need to know, that you’re not going to do that.’

‘Why are you so sure. I’m hungry all the time. I can feel it consuming me, taking over. This sacrifice they’re
having tonight, there’s a part of me, a big part, that wants to join in.’

Nesto climbed a bit closer and perched beside me. We both faced Corina, floating before us. ‘I feel it too, you know.’

‘A hunger?’ I asked.

‘Not exactly,’ Nesto said. ‘I don’t really know what to call it, but an urge maybe. I fight it all the time. I know sometimes you guys think I’m just kidding around and being silly, but that’s what helps to keep my mind off it. When I’m quiet, especially at night, I just, well, I just need to be the monster. I need to thrash, destroy, eat prey and fend off predators.’

‘How do you control it?’ asked Corina.

‘I didn’t used to, not very well,’ he said.

‘My mom’s flowers can attest to that,’ I said.

‘But you know,’ he continued, ‘since I started hanging out with you guys, it’s become a lot better. I feel almost like I’ve got power over it, and not the other way around. I think it’s because I’m friends with you. I’ve never really had friends before, just too many brothers and sisters. But now that I feel part of something, I know I’m not just a monster, I’m a person too. And so are you, Corina. And that’s why you have to try to stop
the vampires. Because even though we’re weird and monsters and all that, we’re people too. And people should
not
be sacrificed.’

Corina floated a bit higher, gazing over the town. The tall spires of the university jutted up into the dusk sky.

‘They’ll be assembling now,’ she said. ‘And Dad said that every vampire gets to present their offering.’

‘Do you think you could talk to them all?’ I asked.

‘I can try,’ she said softly.

‘And we’ll cheer you on,’ said Nesto.

‘That’s probably not a good idea,’ she said. ‘This is a vampire-only convention. This is something I’ve got to do alone.’

I didn’t doubt that Corina could do it, but once inside, surrounded by her own kind, especially her unkind parents, I knew she’d need a friend or two.

‘If we can sneak into America in a barrel,’ I said, ‘I’m sure we can get into a vampire pow-wow. Right?’

She shook her head. ‘The only way they’d ever let you in is as—’

Corina froze, looking conflicted and afraid. She turned from us with a distant and faraway look. I mean,
more far away than her normal bored, disinterested demeanour.

‘The only way they’d ever let you in is as … my
sacrifice
.’

I was suddenly sorry I asked.

Corina ripped the chains off the park’s swing set.

‘That’s vandalism,’ I pointed out. ‘Not just illegal, but also very uncommunity-like.’

‘Yeah,’ added Nesto, ‘and that swing went the highest.’

‘Hold still,’ she ordered, wrapping one of the chains around Nesto’s arms and then all over his upper body. ‘I think we can sacrifice one swing.’

‘When you put it that way,’ I said.

She bound my arms in the chains and spun me around, wrapping me in a chain-link cocoon. At once I was both terrified about what was about to happen and excited to be so close to Corina. I inhaled her clinical-smelling, grapefruit-infused scent.

Corina pulled the chains tighter. ‘What did I say about smelling me?’

‘I have to breathe,’ I said in my defence. ‘I can’t help it if you’re right in front of my nose.’

‘Yeah me too,’ said Nesto. ‘Can I smell you too?’

‘Breathe through your mouth and don’t talk. Just listen,’ she ordered. ‘I grew up with bedtime stories of “The Sacrifice” …’

‘Soothing,’ I said.

‘Just listen,’ she repeated. ‘I always assumed it was just a myth, but in the story vampires get to bring anyone they choose. Usually it’s people that annoy you, like anyone who cut Mom off in traffic. My dad used to boast about catching telemarketers who called during breakfast time. I never really believed them, but I guess it’s all true. In the stories, the ritual is always the same. You bring the human, introduce their crime to the community, and then let the guests feed. It’s supposed to be one victim per vampire, but since you guys are small, maybe I can make a case for two.’

‘Thanks,’ said Nesto. ‘Wait, no. How ’bout you just take Adam since he really likes you. He’d totally die for you. You know … if he could.’

‘I’m not that small,’ I protested.

‘Shut it, zom-boy,’ said Corina, ‘and follow my lead.’

All tied up, she flew us to Convocation Hall, the
university’s biggest building. It was a giant arched cathedral that held thousands of people to sit exams and, after sitting through enough exams, get their diplomas.

Hundreds of vampires, wearing name tags, filed into the building. They buzzed and gossiped excitedly. Some of them were leading blindfolded and muzzled humans on leashes, and Corina followed this crowd towards the back of the Hall.

A pale lady wearing a headset and clutching a clipboard was checking-in the vamps and taking down details of the victims in tow. Just ahead of us, she checked in a ‘dentist’ going by the name of Doctor Barry Kolchak who presented his human for inspection.

‘And how has this human affronted you or our kind?’

‘He had seventeen items,’ explained Dr Kolchak, ‘in the “Ten Items Or Less” line at the supermarket checkout.’

‘Fewer,’ I said, correcting his grammar. Corina gave me a kick.

‘Barbaric,’ cussed the clipboard lady to Dr Kolchak. ‘These humans are so … inhuman. You may proceed and happy sacrifice. Next!’

Corina yanked us forward.

‘Where’s your convention badge?’ asked the lady.

‘It doesn’t go with my outfit,’ Corina said.

‘Then how do I know you’re part of our esteemed dentist community?’

Corina let go of our chains and rose up into the air about three feet.

‘That’ll do,’ the lady said. ‘Full name?’

‘Corina Adina Parker.’

‘Your middle name rhymes?’ I gasped.

The lady looked sternly at Corina. ‘Your offering may not speak.’

‘Sorry about that. Hear that offering … you may not speak.’

The clipboard lady examined Nesto and me. ‘And aside from this one being weird-looking and the small one having an abundance of dirt under his fingernails … behind his ears … and, oh my Count, in his hair, why are these humans worthy of sacrifice?’

‘This one stole my make-up and the little one doesn’t wash his hands after relieving himself.’

‘Despicable, both of them. In you go. Happy sacrifice!’

‘You too,’ said Corina with a smile, pulling us through the door into a corridor where the other humans were being caged like animals. Two hulking
vampires grabbed me and tossed me into a large dog cage. I saw Nesto similarly manhandled, but instead of falling in with a thud, he pounced into what actually looked like a snug little room for him.

‘Corina, what’s going on?’ I asked.

‘They won’t touch you until I call you onto the stage, I think,’ she explained. I just hoped her memory of gruesome bedtime stories was accurate.

‘So I’m at the mercy of their rule-following until then?’

‘’Fraid so,’ she said. ‘But my uncle’s kind of a big deal around here, so I’ll find him and get up there, first. Until then, just make yourself comfortable.’

‘I kinda am,’ said Nesto, curled up like a sleeping dog.

One of the guards banged on the cage. ‘The offering may not speak.’

‘Fine with me,’ said Nesto. ‘I’m going to take a nap.’

‘How can you sleep at a time like this?’ I snapped. But he was already snoring.

I looked up as Corina disappeared through the crowd. My cage was lifted onto a dolly – not a cuddly doll, but, like, a large skateboard – and I was whisked away, behind the slumbering chupacabra, into a dark room, caged like a beast ready for human sacrifice.

I kind of wish we’d stayed at camp.

I couldn’t see anything, but I could hear it all. Alone in the dark, in what I guessed was the on-deck circle
*
of death and dismemberment, I listened as a vampire roused the crowd with his speech.

‘Friends, vampires! We have travelled from all over the world to be together, to come out of the shadows and celebrate.

‘We assemble like this through the centuries, through good times and bad, but the restoration of kinship of our kind gives us the strength to live among the humans in the knowledge that we are not
alone. We are part of something bigger, something greater.

‘And hasn’t it been great so far? This year’s skull-tossing contest has been the best yet, and from the craftsmanship of the coffin building, I know that tradition isn’t going to fade away in this century! I’m still licking my lips from the blood smoothies we enjoyed yesterday. It’s been good times.

‘And tonight, we continue our celebrations with the glorious tradition of sacrifice!’

The hall erupted in cheers and it felt like the bricks were rumbling. The vampire spoke with such conviction about something so terrible. At first, I couldn’t understand how anyone would listen to him, let alone cheer for him, but as he spoke I realised he possessed such confidence that weaker minds would flock to his strength.

‘We reassert our superiority through sacrifice. And I’m delighted to see the youth of our kind are so energetic about such old traditions. So this evening, we’ll begin with one of our youngest, a local vamp from right here in Croxton, Ohio. Corina Parker.’

I didn’t know what Corina planned to say to counter such a rally, or even if she could, but I knew I had to help her somehow.

Suddenly, amid the dying applause, a light brightened the holding cell. I was wheeled out onto a shiny black stage. I looked up, but I was briefly blinded by the spotlights.

‘Who’s making all that noise?’

I looked to my right, and Nesto was waking grumpily in his cage.

‘Hi guys,’ said Corina. She stood centre stage as Nesto and I were wheeled in on either side of her. ‘I’m Corina … as you already know.’ She seemed nervous, a bit unsure of herself. ‘And I’m really hungry.’

The crowd clapped, clearly agreeing with her.

‘But I’m a vegan,’ she shared. The crowd immediately turned on her, booing her meat-free diet. ‘Or at least, I used to be. A few weeks ago I had my first taste of human blood in a very long time.’

The vampires exploded into applause, but then seemed confused …

‘And I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since. So I know how you feel. And I just got back from a place where I was cooped up with a bunch of humans. We were literally trapped, but they were trapped with me. And part of me wanted to taste every last one of them. And the only thing that
stopped me was my friends. And I brought them to meet you today …’

There was a nervous laugh from the room as Corina opened my cage.

I heard a few in the crowd chant, ‘Sacrifice’ and ‘Offering’.

Together we opened Nesto’s cage and he pounced out. She held our hands and walked back to the front of the stage. With us at her sides, I noticed she stood a little taller.

‘These aren’t ordinary humans,’ she said above the chanting. ‘My friends are
different
, just like we are different.’

She looked at Nesto, and then at me. ‘Show them.’

Nesto threw forth his arms and jumped onto all fours.

‘Ernesto looks human, right?’ asked Corina. ‘Look again.’

As Nesto’s hands hit the ground, they turned into claws. His tale sprung out of his shorts and his skin shimmered in a cascade of scales. He opened his jaw, displaying his fangs, and let out a roar that deafened the protesting chants.

‘And this is Adam. Underneath his caked-on
make-up, is grey, brittle flesh that’s unnaturally resilient to death.’

I grabbed an antibac wipe from my pocket and removed the make-up from my face. Before thousands of bloodthirsty vampires, I outed myself as a zombie.

The hall went silent.

The gawking vampires looked stunned and a bit confused.

‘Everyone has a secret that makes them special. For some, like my friends, it’s that they’re unhuman, like us. For others, it’s smaller things that make their life worth living. And as much as I want to rip their throats out and drink their blood, and man, I cannot tell you how much I want to do that, like all the time, I think of those secrets and keep my fangs tucked up in my gums. Everyone deserves their secrets – deserves to live.’

I squeezed Corina’s hand and whispered, ‘Can I say something?’

She nodded.

‘Um, hi. Most people don’t know you guys exist. I didn’t until I got my zombie on and I met Corina. And she’s amazing. She’s like the coolest person … well, vampire … ever, and you’re lucky to have her in your group, or tribe, or whatever you call your
constitutionally protected right to assemble yourselves – although I somehow don’t think the Founding Fathers would’ve sanctioned …’

I’d started to distract myself and needed to get back on track. ‘Anyway, I know you guys think you’re better than everyone else, and you know what?
You are
.

‘Seriously, you live forever, you’re super strong and you can fly. In my world, that pretty much makes you superheroes. And yet you’re actually about to sacrifice,
kill
, a bunch of innocent people just to remind yourself how great you are?

‘You might disagree about how innocent a telemarketer is, or someone who cuts you off in traffic, but that’s not the point. The point is you
are
better than them. So,
act
better.
Be better
. You don’t like they way do things, then stop hiding in your coffins and show them a
better
way. Teach them to be better, like you. Corina revealed herself to me, and I to her and now you, and I’m better for knowing her. Maybe what this country needs isn’t fewer humans, but
more vampires
. Out in the open, being better than everyone else, and showing them how to be better.’

There was a murmur in the crowd.

Someone heckled, ‘But we need to feed.’

‘—so hungry—’ muttered another.

I’d tried to appeal to their higher sense of self, but wondered if appealing to a lower need, their growling hunger, might enrol them in our face-off against camp evil. It was worth a try.

‘Hey, Nesto,’ I said. ‘Why don’t you tell them about Camp Nowannakidda.’

Nesto rose on his hind claws and shook the chupa off, returning to slimy boy form.

‘I know what it’s like to be hungry,’ he said. ‘I don’t do human blood, but chicken heads, cows, squirrels – oh yeah, mmm-mmm, I love a good squirrel. But if you guys want to feed, why not eat people who eat people? And up in Canada, that country just north of us where all the bad weather comes from, there’s this camp that captures kids to turn them into doughnuts.’

‘So maybe instead of a sacrifice in Croxton,’ I suggested, ‘some of you might like to feast on the camp counsellors who held us captive?’

A sceptical murmur shot through the crowd. Some of the vampires licked their lips at the thought of eating the cannibals. Others shook their heads and tutted, clearly not believing Nesto’s outlandish story.

‘It’s crazy but true,’ said Corina. ‘The camp is run by a flavour of evil that I’m sure you’ll find delicious.’

I could see their pale eyes light up. The vampires
were
hungry, and we had a way to stop (or at the very least, relocate) tonight’s sacrifice.

‘I think we can help each other tonight,’ I said.

‘Yeah, come on!’ said Corina. ‘Who wants to raid Camp Cannibal?’

But the vamps weren’t buying it. I half expected the crowd to explode into cheers and whoops. But they just stared at us.

‘Should we try to make a getaway?’ I asked.

‘That won’t be necessary,’ replied a child’s voice.

One tiny vampire, a little boy who looked no older than six, rose from the crowd into the air. The pint-sized vampire landed to share the stage with us. Corina lowered her head.

‘What’s wrong?’ I said, thinking she was suddenly sad and maybe having second thoughts about killing off the cannibals.

‘That’s old man Konrad,’ she said.

‘Old man?’ I scoffed. ‘He’s just a—’

‘One of the elders,’ said Corina.

‘Old enough to have sailed over on the
Mayflower
,’ the
boy spoke. His voice was high-pitched, young, but everyone in the hall hung on his words. ‘And I would have died from dysentery on that voyage had a vampire not turned me, saving me from a watery grave. I’ve aged hundreds of years while watching this country, through a child’s eyes, evolve from a colonial outpost to a superpower. Young Adam is right – as the superior species, we must lead by example, show these mere humans our true nobility.’

He took Corina’s hand. ‘Sister Corina has braved the stage, and risked her friends’ lives to show us a way to save tonight’s offerings from our hunger. Sister Corina, zombie Adam, and werecreature Nesto—’

‘Chupacabra.’

‘Count bless you,’ Konrad said. ‘Will the three of you lead us north?’

Corina nodded, and I said, ‘We will.’

‘Chu-pa-ca-bra,’ said Ernesto. ‘It’s big in Latin America. Why has nobody heard of it?’

But to Nesto’s frustration, nobody was listening.

‘Mr Elder,’ I said, tentatively.

‘Yes?’

‘Our friends and neighbours are trapped in the camp. So before you guys feast on the cannibal camp counsellors, would you help us free them?’

‘It’s the least we could do,’ he said. ‘They will not be harmed.’

Konrad turned to his flock of vampires and pressed his palms together. ‘Go with Count’s blessing.’

‘Count’s blessing go with thee,’ they replied in unison.