Mealtimes and Milestones (12 page)

Me – how I felt today

Friday 30 November

I got home and I was making Christmas cards downstairs and my parents were disagreeing about redecorating my room. They are doing it as a ‘well done’ gift for
when I hopefully get discharged, and a motivation for me in the meantime. I felt really sensitive about it, like it was all my fault. I just sat there pretending that I couldn’t hear anything
even though my head was spinning with overwhelming guilt. I guess that it is just one of those situations that you can only experience at home, so it is probably going to be useful.

Saturday 1 December

I went to a party tonight with my parents. I was really anxious about going because I still had the thought about ‘How will they know that I am ill?’ When I
got there, though, I enjoyed it and really valued the normality of the evening.

Sunday 2 December

I had lunch with a friend today. It was very hard, but I think that it helped because my friend got to see that I am not better and I still have major issues with food. I
am able to see how far I have come, although I am still not ready to be proud of myself yet. I can see how I have picked myself up from being rock bottom, without a glimmer of hope, to where I am
now, and that does feel good, and even anorexia can’t deny me that.

Monday 3 December

I made the connection today that I won’t have left hospital before Christmas, and I think for the first time I actually regretted my past. I am frustrated by why it
took me so long to want to get better. Although I have made this realization, being ill is still attractive, but it is starting to drift away like a fledgling bird that had made its nest inside me
and it is now beginning to leave its home.

Tuesday 4 December

I found out today that my first key worker is going to leave in January. It was really hard for me to hear. I had to keep telling myself that it is not my fault, she is
just moving on, but I couldn’t help it; however hard I tried to convince myself, it felt like another thing that I had done wrong, and that I am just being abandoned and forgotten about. I
have finally learnt to open up to someone, I have shared my deepest inner thoughts with her, and now she is leaving. I would have liked for her to stay until my discharge because then she could
really value my recovery, and understand all the hurdles that I have faced and conquered.

Wednesday 5 December

It has been one of those days when everything just seems to catch up and start to snowball in my thoughts. My key worker is leaving, comments were made about me, and I
couldn’t help doubting myself about my GCSE choice.

I have made the wrong decision, and now I am going to have to live with that for two years. I like Latin, I like the challenge; did I only drop it to please other people? By making me drop GCSEs
it feels like they are insulting my intelligence. Where is my motivation to go back to school, if I am going to be ashamed to be there? Nothing seems fair.

When so many things are spinning around in your head, eating gets harder and your body image gets worse. Once again I find myself fat, ugly and worthless.

Thursday 6 December

I had family therapy today with just Mum. We talked about Dad, and how although 99 per cent of the time he is the most lovely and caring person, occasionally he does have
a bit of a short fuse, and how I find that it affects me. To me, arguing is bad and shouldn’t be done. When Mum and Dad started disagreeing at the weekend, it automatically sent me into a
downhill spiral of thought processes.

‘Oh my goodness, is this happening the whole time? Is this going to be the last one? Is one of them going to walk out? Where will I go for Christmas?’

I don’t know whether I can’t distinguish between serious arguments and minor disagreements because I’ve been at boarding school so I have never really experienced them, or
whether I am just incredibly sensitive. I think, though, that with more time at home I will learn to be able to tell one from the other, and realize that disagreements, even arguments, are quite
normal within a healthy relationship.

Friday 7 December

One of my school friends came over, ate with me and then stayed the night. I really valued the evening because it felt so normal, and I was able to forget all of my
difficulties and just be a normal teenager.

Saturday 8 December

Mum and I went to the local town today, which seemed like a really good idea. However, I truly underestimated how hard I still find it to be in public places. People
can’t see the struggles going on underneath the surface. I became very self-conscious and didn’t know how to get away from it. I wanted to retreat into my illness and hide away within
myself again.

Sunday 9 December

In handover today when I came back from my visit home, Dad said to my key worker that ‘Saturday’s tea was effortless’. I was really shocked by this and
it really affected me. I love my dad so much, but if he thinks that a single meal is ever effortless then he is clearly mistaken. Eating is ALWAYS hard, it just depends how I manage it. It made me
think, ‘Do I need to show you that I am not managing? What do you want me to do to show you that it is hard? . . . Stop drinking? . . . Go on the tube? . . .’

However, as soon as he’d said it, he realized exactly what he had done. All the same, as a consequence I found tea hard. Who could I express myself to? I just had to battle this strong
urge and realize that I KNOW that I am struggling, even if other people seem not to understand.

Monday 10 December

My case manager gave me two possible discharge dates today. This felt really helpful, something to motivate me. They were 14 or 28 February. I guess that I am leaning
towards the 14th because I have said to myself all along that I don’t want to be in hospital on my birthday (which is in late February).

Tuesday 11 December

We had the hospital’s Christmas Day today, because of different people’s annual leave. It was really good to have fun and to laugh – especially at the
Staff Christmas Play – a rendition of
Aladdin!
It really did mean a lot, as I do find it hard to laugh and enjoy my life.

Wednesday 12 December

I went to homework club tonight. I just got such a boost from working and achieving something. I really miss feeling good about myself. I know that gaining it from my work
isn’t good or healthy, but right now I don’t know where else to get it from. I am in a barren desert and I am searching for any resources that I can find, and academic work seemed like
an easy option.

Thursday 13 December

A decision has to be made by tomorrow about my discharge date. Part of me is so excited about this, but the other side is absolutely scared stiff about having to re-enter
the world after being protected for so long, first in my illness, and then in the hospital. How am I going to manage? If the 14th is my discharge date, then that is only eight weeks away, and this
seems even more daunting. I have now stepped through a door – the door to recovery. Deep down I know that this side is more rewarding, but anorexia still isn’t ready to let go of me.
It’s like a magnet not letting me go more than a certain distance away, and drawing me back to it. How can I reduce the pull of this magnet? I just don’t know, and will I ever be able
to do it enough in eight weeks?

Friday 14 December

Before I went home Mum and I met with my case manager which wasn’t a great success even though the 14th was finalized as my discharge date.

Before we went in, Mum said out in the corridor, ‘We’re just going to talk about your discharge.’ This threw me into a complete panic because I don’t want people to know
about it, because then there is going to be a huge expectation on me, and we know from the past that this really isn’t helpful for me.

Saturday 15 December

For the first time today I was able to drink some water while exercising. It was only 50 ml, which I know is absolutely nothing, but it was a start, and a real
breakthrough. As well as that I also had an extra 100 ml today, which was also great because I find it hard to nourish myself. I could feel the anorexia getting stronger because I was violating it,
but I just kept thinking that it was what I needed to do and a great step to getting better.

Sunday 16 December

During afternoon snacks I was talking to my friend on the phone in my room and so I had my snacks unsupervised. It was really cool because it was spontaneous. Of course,
the thought of hiding the food somewhere did enter my mind, but I didn’t, and to be honest I was too preoccupied with talking, and I felt pleased that I was stronger than my anorexia.

Monday 17 December

Today felt really productive. I talked to my key teacher and, hopefully, I can have one day at school on 14 January.

I also spoke to my case manager. I asked whether it would be necessary for me to have a new key worker as I am leaving only a month after she leaves. I also talked about my weight, because I am
still gaining weight every time I am weighed even though I am meant to be on a maintaining diet. I am becoming even more self-conscious about whether you can see this extra weight. She said both
points I’d raised would be discussed in a staff meeting.

Tuesday 18 December

Nothing happened today . . . very dull!!!

Wednesday 19 December

I caught myself in the mirror again this evening and I am truly ashamed at what I see, all I can think about is how THEY made me fat, and that is how I am always going to
be, fat and ugly, and I’ll never be able to lose it because people will start to worry again. I have completely blocked out all the positives of how far I have come and of being healthy. I
start to cry alone in my room . . .

A Christmas letter from one of my friends

Thursday 20 December

Today started badly after weighing. I have continued to put on weight despite being on a maintaining diet. I just got back into bed and cried. It isn’t fair! Why am
I STILL putting on weight? I asked to talk to my allocated worker for the day before breakfast because all the thoughts of not eating came back, because I didn’t know how else to control my
weight or my feelings. But I did manage to eat breakfast and the rest of the day improved.

Friday 21 December

Before the first part of my leave, I was given my Christmas pack from my key workers which included some really beautiful and meaningful words. Reading these words made me
feel confident that I would conquer this weekend.

Sunday 23 December

I saw a friend today which was really good and she was the first person I told that I was going to come back to school in January. It feels good because I can look back on
all of my achievements so far, but I also get a great sense of vulnerability because it is such a big world out there, and as my world starts to get bigger, my network of support gets smaller. I
also have so many bad and painful memories of being at school, such as excessive exercising, collapsing, making myself sick, and hiding food. I am scared about having to face these again, and going
back to the place where I was so deceived by anorexia, and so deceitful to my friends.

The wonderful letter my key workers wrote me at Christmas

Monday 24 December

Every year, we meet up with family friends and have dinner with them on Christmas Eve, but I had loads of anxieties this time and questions surrounding it. I didn’t
know whether the sons of the family should know or not, because in the past I have been very open about my anorexia, and I don’t mind people knowing. This is why:

What I learnt today was that I don’t need to tell people about my illness and that the urge for people to know is slowly wearing off.