Authors: Donna Mabry
Mom Connor turned to James. “Fetch me the
Bible on my front table, James, and something to write
with.”
He was gone only a minute and returned carrying
the Bible, a pen and a bottle of ink.
It was a beautiful, big Bible, not the kind you
carry to church, but the kind that sits on the table in the
hallway of a big house, with gold leaf on the edge of
the pages and a thick, black leather binding. Mom
Connor sat at the table and opened the book in front of
her. She took the lid off the ink bottle and dipped the
tip of the pen. Then she paused and turned to me. “Will
she have two names or just the one?”
I thought it over. “Let’s call her Lulu Helen
Connor.”
Mrs. Connor smiled as she made the entry on the
line under James’s name. She looked a little sad and
said, “I wanted to add more names of my own children
to the Connor bible, but none came after James was
born. I waited nineteen years to write on this page
again.”
When she finished, she blew on the ink until it
dried and then carried it over to show me. I read the
entry. “You sure have a beautiful hand, Sister Connor.”
“Don’t call me that anymore, Maude, call me
Mom, if you’re of a mind to.”
Tears welled up in my eyes. “Thank you, I’d like
that. I’d like that just fine.”
Mom Connor turned to James. “You get on to
work, boy. We women have things to do here that don’t
include having a man around. For one thing, my
grandbaby needs a proper bath.”
James kissed me on the cheek and kissed his
daughter on her fuzzy head. “I’ll see you tonight,
Lulu,” he said to the baby, and he left for the store and
bragging time.
I was so happy. Everything was just as I dreamed it
would be. I kept my baby clean and dressed in the
fancy cotton embroidered dresses just like I’d
promised her. I gave her a bath every day and
changed her diapers the minute she was wet. Lulu
grew fast. She ate like she was starving every time I
put her to my breast. The nursing was painful for
only the first two days, and my milk came in fast and
I had plenty of it. I had to keep towels under my dress
to soak up the extra milk. Before long, Lulu was so
chubby, I had to make sure I got into the creases
when I gave her a bath.
When she was a few months old, I began to
carry her to Helen’s in the afternoon where we would
sit on the porch and sip iced tea while we watched
our little ones. Faith was toddling around and getting
into everything. Helen had to keep an eye on her
every minute to keep her from eating bugs and dirt or
falling off the porch. Lulu slept in the crook of my
arm or sometimes we brought out the little cradle that
Faith had outgrown to the porch so I could have my
hands free to sew.
Helen looked at her like she was a little jealous.
“She sure is a peaceful baby. I don’t remember Faith
ever sleeping that much. Doesn’t she ever cry?”
“Not much, only when she’s hungry. I fed her
before I came over here, so she’s got her usual
afternoon sleep time. She won’t wake up now ‘til four
o’clock. Then I feed her again, and she’ll sleep ‘til her
daddy gets home. You ought to see him. He wakes her
up and carries her around talking to her ‘til dinnertime.
He’s going to spoil her rotten.”
“That’s nice, Maude, that’s real nice. She won’t
be a baby for long. Next thing you know, she’ll be
tearing up the house.”
Helen’s girl, Faith, was petite like her mother,
and Lulu was sturdily built, like James and I were. I
could tell it wouldn’t be long before the girls were the
same size, even if they were almost two years apart.
There we were, Helen and Maude, the sisters who
looked so different and whose ways were so opposite,
rocking and sipping our iced tea together, watching our
babies and taking great satisfaction in our peaceful
lives.
I turned sixteen in the summer of 1908. Lulu was one
year old and learning to walk. James and his father
were building onto the cabin to make a room for Lulu
to have for her own place. I hadn’t conceived again
yet, but Mom Connor told me that as long as I was
nursing Lulu, I probably wouldn’t start another baby.
That was all right with me. I wanted more children,
just not right away, at least not for another year or two.
It wasn’t unusual for the other mothers in the town to
breast-feed for three years or more to put off getting
another baby. Sometimes that worked, and sometimes
it didn’t.
I was enjoying each part of Lulu’s growing up.
James loved to watch her and see her learn to crawl,
sit up, and then take her first steps. She was the light
of our lives. When James was home, he carried her
around or played games with her almost the entire time
she was awake.
He was away from home some Saturdays,
playing baseball against the teams from other towns. I
took Lulu to the ball field on the Saturdays they played
at home, and she and I cheered him around the bases.
Lulu would clap her little hands together and whoop
along with me. James would tell Lulu that he loved her
the most, me second, and baseball third. I wasn’t
jealous of that, because as much as I loved James, I
loved Lulu more.
Even if she did take after me in the way she was
built, she was a beautiful little girl, with a pink
complexion, long fingers, and rosy cheeks. Her hair by
then formed soft curls around her neck, and her big
round eyes were the same bright blue of her father. I
was glad that she took after James. I hoped that if any
of our children inherited my own looks, it would be
the boys. My daddy was a handsome enough man, but
I’d known my plain looks all my life. James told me I
was beautiful, and it made me feel wonderful, but I
knew it wasn’t true. I still compared myself to Helen.
Neither one of us had ever received a single
piece of mail in all our lives. One Monday afternoon
that spring, James came running in the cabin with a
letter in his hand. He waved it back and forth in front
of me, dancing around. He grabbed my shoulders,
hugged me, then held me away from him far enough
to kiss me all over my face. “It’s from the St. Louis
Browns, Maude, they’re sending a man down here to
see us play. We beat every team we played so far this
year, and they want to take a look at us. This could be
it for me. If I can hit like I’ve been doing, maybe
they’ll sign me up to play professional.”
He looked so happy. I set aside my thoughts of
him being a real baseball player, for money, and being
away from home all the time. “Oh, James, it’s your
dream come true, isn’t it?”
We laughed and danced around the house. “I got
to tell Mom and Dad,” he said, and ran out of the cabin.
I couldn’t hold back the tears, both happy and sad. Of
course, they would hire him. My James was going to
be a real baseball player. He was going to have his
dream.
He and the rest of the boys on his team gave up
their evenings all week so they could get in practice
time. I hadn’t seen him so excited since Lulu was born.
That Saturday, he fidgeted all morning, pacing back
and forth, running up to his parent’s house, changing
his socks three times. When it was finally time for us
to leave for the ball field, he gave me a big hug. “This
is going to be the best game you’ve ever seen. All the
boys are going to put out their best, including the team
from Union City.”
James’s parents were waiting for us, and we all
trooped out to the ball field together. James carried
Lulu, Mr. Connor carried a picnic basket, Mom
Connor carried a few hooked rugs for us to sit on, and
I carried supplies and toys for the baby. All five of us,
including Lulu, were quiet during the walk, we grownups were thinking on what the day could bring for
James’s future, and Lulu, well, she must have picked
up on our serious mood.
Mom and Dad Connor and Lulu and I took our
seats on the benches built by the field. As the family
of a player, we didn’t have to bring our own chairs. I
sat in the second row with Lulu on my lap, and the
Connors sat in front of me. I looked around the crowd,
looking for strangers, trying to spot the man from St.
Louis. Word of the scout coming had spread to both
teams that were playing, and there was a bigger crowd
today than I’d ever seen before.
Lulu was always a quiet baby and used to being
at the games. The noise when someone made a home
run didn’t bother her at all. She dozed off right away.
My heart swelled with pride when the hometown
team took the field. James was the tallest of them, and
his blond hair helped me spot him right off. I thought
he was so handsome.
Out in left field, James caught the ball to end the
first inning. At his first turn at bat, James got a hit that
took him to second base and was taken the rest of the
way to home plate by a teammate’s home run. We all
cheered as loud as we could. Lulu wriggled a little in
my arms, but settled back to her nap.
I knew James was nervous by the way he kept
picking up a handful of dirt and rubbing it between his
palms, but no one else would have been able to tell it.
James was playing like he was already on the big-time
team. I was so proud of him. By the third inning, his
team was already two runs ahead.
James got his second at-bat in the fourth inning.
He gave me a wave and a big smile as he stepped up
to the plate. He took his position and focused his
attention on the pitcher. The first ball was wide and
counted as ball one.
The second ball was wide again, but James
swung and clipped the outside of it, sending it out to
right field, but short of the first base line. It went foul,
and it was called as strike one. The third pitch was
again wide and called ball two. The catcher stood and
walked out to the pitcher and put his arm around his
shoulder. They both lowered their heads, talked for a
few seconds, and the catcher went back and squatted
down behind the plate.
The pitcher took some time before the next pitch.
He stared at James and finally wound up, leaning back
as far as possible, and threw the ball as hard as he
could.
It traveled so fast that it was just a blur to me.
James moved his bat back for his hit. The ball
connected with his left temple with a loud crack,
jerking James off his feet and into the air. His body fell
to the ground with a thud and lay face-down. The dust
clouds billowed up around him and then faded away
into the air. James lay there and didn’t move at all. The
people held their breath and waited for him to get up,
but he didn’t. It was so quiet, you could hear the leaves
rustling.
His mother was out of her seat and running to
him in a split second, his father a heartbeat behind her.
I told my body to move, to get to him, but I was frozen.
I turned to look into the face of the woman sitting next
to me, and the last thing I remembered was the blue
sky over my head.
The faraway sound of a pitiful wail woke me. I didn’t
open my eyes right away until the horrible memory of
what I’d seen rushed back to me. When I looked
around, I was in my own bed at home, and Sister Clark
was sitting next to me in a chair.
Sister Clark bit her lip. “I’m sorry, Maude, he’s
gone to be with the Lord.”
I sat up and looked for Lulu. “Where’s Lulu, is
she all right?”
Sister Clark patted my hand. “Mrs. Hopkins was
sitting next to you and caught her when you passed
out. Helen took her home with her. We didn’t think
you’d be up to looking after her for a spell.”
I tilted my head and listened to the mournful
keening coming from the main house. “Mom
Connor?”
“She’s in a bad way, Maude, James being her
only child and all. The doctor wanted to give her
something, but she wouldn’t take it. I’ve never seen
anyone grieve so. If she doesn’t start leaning on the
Lord soon, I’m afraid she’ll lose her mind.”
I jumped out of the bed. I was wearing a
nightgown, and I pulled it off with no modesty at all
and dressed in a top and skirt as fast as I could. I
pushed my feet into my shoes, called, “Thank you,”
over my shoulder, and ran out of the house. Sister
Clark went after me, expecting me to go to the house,
I guess, but instead I ran right out of the yard and down
the street. More than anything, I needed to hold my
baby in my arms.
I ran up the steps and through Helen’s door
without knocking. Helen was in the kitchen with both
of the girls. She turned when she heard me and was
about to say something when I grabbed up Lulu and
started to leave. “I’ll be at Mrs. Connor’s,” I cried,
slowing up just enough that I didn’t upset Lulu.
I was back at the Connor house in only a few
minutes. I went in the front door and followed the
sound of the crying to the Connors’s bedroom. Mom
Connor was sitting up in the bed, her face swollen and
her long hair mussed around her shoulders. Sister
Clark was trying to get her to drink something, but she
turned her head this way and that to refuse it.
I walked to her and stuck Lulu in her
grandmother’s arms and then went and stood against
the wall. Mom Connor looked down at the little round
face and the blonde hair. Lulu looked up at her with a
curious expression. She had never heard such a sound
come out of a person, but instead of being scared, she
tilted her little head and watched her grandmother’s
face to see what was happening. Mom Connor stopped
the wailing and gulped some air. She stared down at
the little girl who looked so much like her father, then
she held Lulu’s cheek up against her own and began
rocking her. The baby reached up and patted her
grandmother’s cheek and then twined her fingers in
Mom Connor’s long, soft hair.
Sister Clark held the glass back up to Mom
Connor’s lips, and she sipped a little of the mixture the
doctor had left. I left Lulu with her grandmother and
went back to my cabin alone. Sister Clark sat with the
two of them until they’d both fallen asleep. Then she
came to check on me.
She found me rocking on the cabin porch,
wearing one of James’s shirts on top of my dress. It
was a heavy, red wool plaid that he wore on chilly
mornings. I guess I was staring off in the distance and
didn’t notice the preacher’s wife until she spoke to me.
“You knew just what she needed, didn’t you, Maude?
She’s going to be all right now. The two of them are
sleeping. How are you doing?”
“I don’t even know. It’s like this isn’t real, like it
never happened. He was here just this morning. The
cabin is still full of him being here. I had to fuss at him
to get him to eat his breakfast because I didn’t want
him to try to play ball on an empty stomach. Now he’s
gone. I’ve been sitting here in this shirt with the smell
of him still in it. He’s never going to run up the walk
at the end of his day, never going to play with Lulu like
he always did, never going to---,” my voice failed me
and I had to struggle to catch my breath, then I gasped
so deep my whole body shook. “I’m never going to see
him again. You don’t know what he was to me.
Nobody knows.”
“I got an idea, Maude. I know how he loved
you.”
“I don’t know why he did. I’m not pretty, no
matter what he said about it. He could have had any
girl in town. Why did he pick me?”
“He saw into your heart, Maude. He knew what
was real when he saw it.”
I stopped rocking and sat up. “Where is he?”
“He’s at the undertaker’s in Union city. They’ll
bring him to the house when he’s ready. It ought to be
a few hours.”
Sister Clark patted my hand. “I’m going back up
to the house to sit with his mother. I’ll send someone
down for you when it’s time.”
I nodded a little. “Thank you,” then I put my
arms around Sister Clark and hugged her before I went
in the cabin.
Helen, Tommy, and Faith came and walked back
to the house with me. I was calm.
In the parlor, James was lying in a plain pine box
with a satin lining, looking for all the world like he’d
just fallen asleep. I looked down at him for a while, but
it was still like it wasn’t real, and I’d wake up any
minute, and he’d be lying next to me and tell me it was
only a bad dream.
Looking at my young husband in his coffin, I
began to feel like I was going to pass out. When I sat
next to Dad Connor, he looked at me with relief on his
face. I think he was already depending on me to hold
them all together. I gave him a small smile, linked my
arm through his, and made a nod that told him his
confidence was in the right person. In a minute or two,
my head stopped spinning, and I went to the bedroom
to wake James’s mother.
Mom Connor was sleeping with Lulu nestled in
the crook of her arm, her curls on her grandmother’s
shoulder. I watched them for a while before I reached
out and touched Mom Connor’s hand. “He’s ready,
Mom, it’s time to get up.”
Mom Connor opened her eyes, but didn’t move.
She stared hard into my face. “All right,” she said at
last.
“Do you need any help getting dressed?”
“No, I can do it.”
I picked up Lulu and left. When I got back to the
parlor, the chairs from the dining room and the kitchen
had been set up in rows. Helen and Tommy sat in the
second row. Holding Lulu in my arms, I sat in front of
them. Lulu stirred and woke. She started crying. Helen
handed Faith to Tommy and took Lulu out of my lap.
“I’ll take her to the cabin and feed her something and
change her.”
Mom and Dad Connor sat next to me. The inside
door was open, and no one had to knock. The friends
and neighbors opened the screen door and came on in.
For the next few hours, just about everyone in town
came and went. Some paid their respects in only a
minute or two, and some sat and talked for a while.
The boys from James’s team all came by, and every
one of them cried like the world was coming to an end.
For me, the world had already ended. Helen came back
with Lulu, and I held her for a while, but finally Helen
and Tommy took the two girls home with them.
We sat up for the watch as long as we could, but
finally, we went to bed.
In the morning, the body was moved to the
church, and the preacher held the same service for
James that he’d held for my mom and dad and Helen’s
little Henry eight years earlier. It was the same one he
preached for every funeral. I recited it in my mind as
he spoke it, and I took comfort in knowing what he
was going to say and the promises from God. James
had accepted the gift of God’s salvation several years
before, and I knew I’d see him again. It made the
whole thing tolerable, to know that.
After the preaching, singing, and prayers, we
walked behind the undertaker’s wagon to the
graveyard. Mom Connor was calm, and her face
showed enough steel to get her through the day. I’d
been back to the cemetery only a few times over the
years since my parents’ burial. When we got there, I
was surprised by how sharp the memories were in my
mind. I had bad dreams about the fire that killed them
all my life, but not a one since Lulu was born.
Our family, friends, and fellow church members
clustered around the hole that had been dug, the
preacher said a few more words, we all dropped in our
handful of dirt, and then we prayed and left. As we
walked away, I could hear the sound of the dirt
thumping against the box as the men shoveled it into
the hole. The thud-thud of the work followed me all
the way down the path.
Neighbors brought food, and the house was full
of people for hours. The women of the church made a
fuss over us, and I finally made a show of eating
something, pushing food around on a plate. I realized
that James’s mother was doing the same thing. Finally,
everyone was gone. Helen and Tommy were the last to
leave. Helen hugged me. “I’ll be by tomorrow, hear?”
I watched her back as she went out the door and
then Mom Connor and I exchanged looks. I could see
my reflection in the mirror that hung by the door, and
both of us had dark circles under our eyes. Our faces
were lined with grief, and we were both worn out. I
gave her a hug. “I’m going back to the cabin unless
you need me to do anything for you.”
“I guess we’re all right, Maude. The Lord will
take care of us. We can face what we got to face. We
both need some sleep. You go take care of that baby,
and we’ll talk tomorrow.”
I carried Lulu back to the cabin and got her ready
for bed. Once she was sleeping, I took James’s shirt
back off the hook where he always hung it. I held it up
against my face and breathed deep. I always said he
smelled better than any man I’d ever been around. My
daddy smelled of leather and hay and the horses. James
smelled of the supply store, oats, alfalfa, soap and
grass.
I held the shirt to my face for a few minutes, then
put it on over my dress again and went back out to the
porch. I sat in the rocker and looked up at the sky. It
was getting dark. The moon was out early, and I could
see it on the tree line to my right, like it was stuck on
the top of a pine. The last rays of the setting sun filtered
through the tops of the trees on my left and made a
pattern of shadows on the yard. It was such a pretty
night, like the nights when James and I used to sit out
and talk until time to go to bed.
I sat there for a long time, rocking now and then,
sitting still some, crying at last. I had no idea what
would become of me and my little girl. I’d already
been an orphan, a wife, and a mother. Now I was a
widow. I was only three months past my sixteenth
birthday.