MacLean's Passion: A Highland Pride Novel (19 page)

From the corner of her eye, Maggie saw Colin attempt to stand, but Sutherland put a hand on his arm and forced him back down. The lads were looking at her, waiting. Maggie had no desire to tell her story. Especially to this group of feckless lads and most especially to Douglas, who acted as if Culloden had been one big adventure.

“I fought,” she said, taking another gulp of ale.

Douglas snorted, and that caught at Maggie’s anger. She raised her eyes to him again. “I was arrested and imprisoned by the English at Fort Augustus. I watched men die from the prison sickness, and I watched men beaten to death for fighting to save their country and their way of life. Is that what ye wanted to hear?”

The others looked away, but Douglas was not as wise. “Ye mean to tell me that ye were in Fort Augustus, yet no one knew ye were a lass?”

“Aye. The English are limey bastards and bloody numpties. They don’t know a woman from a man unless one’s undressed.”

The lads sat in stunned silence before breaking out in laughter.

Douglas’s face turned stormy. He didn’t like that the attention was all on her and that she just might be more entertaining than he. “No one escapes Fort Augustus,” he said.

“I did.” She took another sip of ale and looked at him calmly.

“How?”

She tipped her mug to him. “That I will no’ tell ye.”

His look was smug. “Then I do no’ believe ye.”

She shrugged. “I told ye once that I do no’ care if ye believe me or no’.”

Douglas’s jaw worked in agitation. He clearly wanted to poke at her, to get a reaction out of her. Possibly he wanted her to fight him. She would if she had to, but she saw no need. She could outwit Douglas, and that gave her far more satisfaction.

A shadow loomed over her and she turned to discover both Colin and Sutherland behind her. The other lads turned their attention away and looked at everything but the two big warriors. Douglas paled.

“Come, wife,” Colin said, holding out his hand to her. She noted with interest that his hand was steady, though his eyes spoke a different story. He was drunk.

Douglas’s gaze flew to hers, then to Colin’s, and his face paled even more.

Maggie debated what to do. Ignore Colin or go with him? She opted to go with him, knowing she’d pushed far enough this night. She rose, but instead of taking his hand, she headed toward the stairs.

Colin hadn’t followed. He was staring at Douglas with a fixed expression. “Ye call my wife a liar?” he asked quietly.

Maggie stood in anxious paralysis. The room was so silent, she could swear she heard even the mice scurrying away.

Douglas visibly swallowed. “Nae, sir.”

Colin tilted his head and studied Douglas for a tense moment. “I can vouch for her story because I was in prison with her. We escaped together. Do ye have any other questions? Require any other proof?”

Douglas quickly shook his head.

“I did no’ think so.” Colin turned on his heel and passed Maggie to climb the steps. His expression was set, his eyes were cold, and despite the alcohol he’d consumed, his walk was steady.

“Meet me in the lists in the morning,” Sutherland told Douglas.

Maggie followed Colin up the stone steps, amazed that he walked such a straight line and didn’t use the rails as support. Her own head was spinning, and if she leaned to the side a bit, who could fault her? She was a wee bit tipsy.

They reached their bedchamber, where the fire still burned merrily and the bed beckoned. As soon as she shut the door behind her, Colin turned on her. “What the hell were ye doing down there?” he nearly bellowed.

“The same as ye.”

He pointed to the door and sputtered. “Ye…That was…I canno’…”

He may have walked a straight line, but his mind was muddled with drink, and it took everything in Maggie not to laugh.

“That was completely unacceptable,” he finally said.

“Drinking with the men?”

“Aye.” He crossed his arms and nodded as if that were all that was needed to be said on that subject.

Maggie stamped down her rising anger. “Ye were doing it.”

“I’m a man!”

“And I’m a woman.”

“Women do no’ drink.”

She laughed and his nostrils flared. “My wife does no’ drink with the lads. Ye made me look like a fool in front of another chief.”

She stopped laughing. He had a point there. She’d not thought how her actions would reflect on Colin. She’d just been angry that he’d left her to drink with Sutherland on the fourth night of their marriage. Especially when the other three nights had been rife with fear, pain, and thoughts of the bloody English.

“I apologize if I embarrassed ye.”

“Ye did no’
embarrass
me.”

She threw her hand out to the side. “Ye’re confusing me. Either I embarrassed ye or I did no’. The point is that ye left me to go drinking. Ye left me, Colin.” She hated the note of sadness that crept into her voice, and she cleared her throat. “And so I found some friends to drink with and talk to.”

He swayed to the side and looked at her with one eye squinted closed. She, too, saw the room spinning; the alcohol that she’d consumed was beginning to take its toll on her.

“Ye missed me?” he asked in surprise.

“I did no’ say that.”

He smirked. “Ye missed me.”

“Nae.”

He frowned, but with one eye closed, it wasn’t a formidable frown. He pointed a wavering finger at her. “In the future, ye do no’ go down to drink with the rest of that lot. That is manly business. No’ womanly business.”

She put her hands on her hips and glared at him. “If ye do no’ know by now, I do no’ put much faith in manly and womanly business.”

He lowered his hand and shook his head. “Faith, Maggie, but I do no’ know what to do with ye.” Suddenly, he looked lost and almost afraid. “I have no room in my life for a wife.”

She swore her heart fell to her stomach. She’d known that he wasn’t precisely pleased with their marriage, but to hear him say it was a blow to her ego and to her heart.

“Then why did ye do it?” she asked softly.

He pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes, then dropped his hand and laughed softly. “This is no’ the time for such a discussion. We’re both pissing drunk.”

“Why did ye do it?”

“Because I had no choice. Because I ruined yer good name and I embarrassed yer brother. Because I did no’ want Fraser to have ye. He is a bloody bastard and does no’ deserve the likes of ye.”

“But ye did no’ want me.”

The smoldering look he gave her was far from pissing drunk, and it made her stomach flutter.

“Oh, I wanted ye,” he whispered. “I want ye now.”

“Just no’ as a wife.”

He hesitated, then said, “No.”

Her gaze landed on the bed, then quickly slid away to look at the spot on the floor in front of his boots.

He took a step forward. “Hell. Maggie—”

She held up her hand to stop whatever he was going to say. “Nae. I’d rather hear the truth then have us live a lie.”

“I—”

“I’m going to bed.” She stepped behind the privacy screen and changed into Evan’s overlarge shirt, fighting tears that made her angry. She had no right to cry over Colin MacLean. She didn’t
want
to cry over Colin MacLean. In fact, she wanted nothing to do with Colin MacLean. Not now and not in the future. Whether they wanted to be wed or not, they were, and their futures were irrevocably tied.

She hesitated after she’d changed, losing her courage. But that was foolishness. Maggie had never once lost her courage, and she wasn’t about to now, especially not to her husband.

She left the safety of the privacy screen. Colin was changing out of his kilt. He paused to look at her, but she refused to look at him. Instead, she climbed into bed, turned on her side, and pulled the blankets around her shoulder.

She listened as Colin walked around the room, blowing out candles and checking that the door was barred, before the bed dipped under his weight. She lay rigid, her body held tight as he settled on his back. Silence as thick as heavy cream settled over them. She could hear him breathe, and she was certain he was listening to her breathe.

He threaded his fingers through hers. She was so surprised that her breath hitched for a moment.

“Ah, Maggie, lass. I’m no’ good at this husband thing. Ye were right. I should no’ have left ye alone tonight, especially in a strange new place.”

Unexpected tears pressed against her eyes. Damn him. Just when she wanted to be angry at him, he said something like this.

She turned on her side to face him, their hands still clutched together. “I’m no’ very good at being a wife. My brain kept telling me no’ to go down to the hall, but sometimes I can no’ help myself. I know that I act impulsively, and it usually gets me into trouble.”

The bed shook slightly with his silent chuckle. “Ye act impulsively? Say it is no’ so.”

She grinned and cushioned her head on her arm. “At times.”

“Like Culloden? Was that impulsive?”

“Oh, aye.” She paused, her thoughts turning serious. “But I canno’ say as I regret that impulsive act, because it brought me to ye.”

Colin drew in a sharp breath. “We are of a kind, aren’ we?”

“Maybe that’s a good thing. We can learn how to be married together.”

“Do ye…” He paused for a long time.

“Do I what?” She squeezed his fingers.

“Nothing.”

The room was so dark that she could not see him, all she could only hear his voice, but she felt the length of his tough body pressed against her. The intimacy lent a certain truthfulness to their conversation. She felt they could say anything right here, right now, and it would be all right.

“Tell me,” she said.

“Do ye sometimes forget…that we’re married?”

“I canno’ say that I have. Ye are always here to remind me.”

“Sometimes I forget, and then it hits me and I get…I get scared that I will no’ be able to provide for ye.”

Her heart turned over, and those damn tears pressed against her eyes again. “I don’t consider what we have a conventional marriage.” She pressed her forehead against his shoulder. “I’m no’ a conventional woman and have no plans to be a conventional wife.” He was lying perfectly still; she swore he was holding his breath, listening intently to what she was saying, and she understood that what she said now would reverberate through their entire marriage, and yet she wasn’t nervous. What she was saying came from her heart.

“Ye do no’ need to feel all of the responsibility, Colin. I can take care of myself, and if need be, I can take care of ye.”

She’d thought he would scoff at that, but he didn’t. “I wish I could give ye more than I have,” he said.

“I do no’ want more. I’m content.”

He turned on his side, and while she couldn’t see him, she could feel him shift and knew that his gaze was searching for her through the darkness. “What if ye get with child? How will we raise a child?”

“I suspect the way everyone else raises a child.” She reached out her free hand to touch his face, feeling the rough stubble on his cheek. “There’s no need to borrow trouble. If it happens, it happens.” She’d not thought about getting with child. The thought terrified her somewhat, but to dwell on what-ifs would do no one any good.

“The last thing I want,” she said, swallowing her apprehension at what she was about to say, “is to be a burden to ye. The one thing I do want is to be a good wife to ye, but ye have to know that I will fail quite a few times.”

“Because ye’re impulsive?”

“That, and because I do no’ know what the hell I’m doing.”

He laughed out loud and she smiled, feeling relaxed and comfortable and forgetting that she’d gone to bed angry at him.

“There’s something ye should know about me,” he said after the laughter faded. “Something I should have told ye long ago.”

“Four days ago or when we were in prison together?”

“Four days ago.”

“That bad, eh?”

“Could be.”

“Well, ye best get it out, then,” she said, intrigued and a little apprehensive.

“There is a very active smuggling operation near my holding.”

“I’ve heard of such smuggling operations. They bring in banned goods from France and England. Why is that bad?”

“I started the operation and head the one in my area. Or at least I did when I was in residence. Abbott knew about the operation but could never catch us at it. It was a game at first, outwitting the redcoats, a competition between Abbott and me.”

“And then Abbott had ye arrested?”

“And then I allowed Abbott to arrest me.”

She paused. “Allowed? Does this have to do with Brice and Eleanor?”

“It does no’ matter why—”

“Yes, it does matter. I’ll have the story.”

He sighed deeply, probably regretting that he’d brought this up, but since he had, she was going to take advantage of it.

“I distracted Abbott and his men so Brice and Eleanor could get away. It was nothing.”

“Ye distracted them by getting yerself arrested, and that’s nothing? I think that’s a whole lot of something.”

Colin made a dismissive sound and rubbed his thumb across her palm. “I wanted to tell ye why Abbott is such a thorn in my side.”

“Abbott’s a bloody numpty,” she said with heat, causing Colin to chuckle.

“I completely agree.”

She thought about everything he’d told her as his thumb continued to caress her palm, sending tingles up her arm. “I’m proud of ye,” she said. “I’m proud that ye thumbed yer nose at the English by operating a smuggling business, and I’m proud that ye sacrificed yerself for the Sutherlands, and even though ye suffered terribly, I’m glad ye did all of that because I met ye in that prison, and if that makes me sound selfish, then so be it.” She nodded for emphasis even though he couldn’t see it.

A long silence followed her proclamation. Colin finally said, “I’m glad I did all of that, too, and that I met ye in that prison.”

They drifted into their own thoughts, but sleep was far off for Maggie. Her thoughts shifted to Colin’s thumb, still rubbing her hand.

“Can we practice?” he asked.

“Practice what?”

“Ye said that ye would fail many times, and I thought maybe if ye practiced that it would help.” He sounded sheepish and she grinned. He guided her hand to his hard cock and pressed her palm to it.