Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes (8 page)

The nun brought me inta a tiled room wit a big bath tha looked the size of a barge. There were pipes along the walls an sinks. She put the plug in the bath an turned on the tap, an then she told me te take off me clothes. I looked at the steamin water pourin inta the bath, an I got an awful fright. I knew I was goin te drown in tha.

‘Come along, now. Hurry up, get undressed, I haven't all day,' the nun said. I was shakin an tryin te get me clothes off, an she went out. I was in me skin, lookin at the water in the bath an shiverin an wonderin how I was supposed te get in when the door opened an the nun came back wit two childre an a big bar a scrubbin soap an a washcloth an towel.

‘This is Josephine and Rose, and they're going to give you your bath, Martha. Now, these are very nice girls, and you be good for them,' the nun said te me.

I had me doubts when I looked at them. One looked a bit older than me, about seven, an the other one looked younger than me, about five. As soon as the nun left, I started te cry. But Josephine told me I would be grand an started te cover me in soap. But I pushed away the cloth, an Josephine said, ‘It won't hurt you. Rose always gets her hair washed, an she loves it. She never cries, do you, Rosie?' An Rosie nodded her head up an down an agreed wit everythin Josephine said. An they kept smilin, an Josephine kept tellin me I was great altogether. An then we had another long talk, an a fight, before I lay back an let Josephine pour the jug a water over me head te rinse it. An then it was all over. They dressed me in a warm woolly vest, an thick warm knickers, an long brown woolly socks, an a lovely warm frock wit an apron tha went over me head an covered me back. An then the nun trimmed me hair an gave me a fringe, an looked back te admire me. I smelled lovely, an I was gorgeous an warm an squeaky clean, an me brown leather shoes fitted me.

I bounced along when I walked wit the nun out te the yard, an she left me there an shut the door behind me. I was left lookin at a high wall wit a concrete ground an a load a childre runnin aroun chasin each other. I stood rooted te the spot, afraid te move. I kept lookin at the height of the wall an the other childre playin an laughin. An I wondered would I ever be like them. Could I laugh an play wit them an everythin be all right? An me heart'd stop painin me.

A big young one rang the bell, an we lined up an marched outa the yard an down long passages te a big room wit long tables an benches. We sat down an drank mugs a cocoa an ate chunks a bread. Then we said prayers an left the room. We marched again, down more passages an up onta landins, an there were more stairs an statues everywhere. An then we arrived in a very long room filled wit beds. It was a bit like the hospital ward, only the beds were pushed together more. They said it was six o'clock, an the sun was shinin in the winda. The nun put me in a big warm nightdress an inta an iron bed wit white sheets an black blankets, just like the hospital. But I knew, in the hospital, I was goin te get out sometime. Here, I was goin te be locked up fer ever. I pined fer me mammy, an I worried about wha happened te me babby brother. I missed him wrappin himself aroun me neck an me kissin him an squeezin him. An I knew he'd be missin me an me mammy, too.

The bell woke me up. The nun was marchin up an down the dormitory – tha's where we sleep – bangin the big bell up an down. It's the middle of the night – well, it must be, cos it's still pitch black outside! The big ones come in te help us get dressed an make our beds. Mine is wet as usual. But so is a lot a other childre's. The big ones quickly strip the beds an throw the wet sheets in a mound in the middle of the floor. Then they put new sheets on the beds an make them up. Then we're all dressed an go down te the chapel an pray. All the dormitories come together on the chapel passage. The biggest are up the front of the line. An we're nearly the last lot te go inta the chapel, wit the big young ones herdin us in an keepin order, an the nun leadin the way.

There was a big fight outside the refectory at tea time last night. The nuns were up gettin their prayers, an the big ones were left in charge. The big ones can be very vicious. If a nun goes fer a big one who's been lazy or sloppy or didn't polish a floor properly, then the big one can take her spite out on a little one an punch an kick her an pull the hair outa her fer maybe wettin the bed or maybe she didn't like the way the little one looked at her. If ye have a big sister te look out fer ye, then maybe ye'll be all right.

These two big ones were tearin each other up an down the passage cos one of them hit a little young one te get back at the big one who loves mindin the little one. She's her favourite, an she won't let anyone near her. The two of them are left standin outside the refectory this mornin, an they got no breakfast.

Rosie an Josie an me are the bestest of friends. They think I'm great, an I think they're great. We always hold hands, an we play chasin, an we talk, an they always ask me what it's like on the outside. I tell them they're not missin much. If I could have me babby wit me, an me mammy could stay here – sure, wha more could a body want? But they tell me she'd have te be a nun te get in here or a child, an then I'm back te square one.

Rosie doesn't remember comin here – she was only a babby. But Josie remembers comin in a Black Maria from the court, an her mammy tellin her she was goin te England te find a place, an she'd be back te take her. Her mammy was cryin when they took her away. She was three at the time. Now she's seven, an she doesn't think her mammy will be back. I said tha me ma put me away lots of times when I was younger, even when I was a babby, but she always takes me back. If we be patient an just wait, they'll come an get us. Then Rosie smiled an said, ‘Do you think my mammy might be famous?'

An I thought about this an then it hit me. ‘Yeah! They're fillum stars! They're gone off te America, an when they come back te collect ye's, they'll stand up in the parlour wit all the nuns talkin te them, an smilin, an admirin their lovely fur coats, an lookin at their high heels, an smellin their perfume. An the mammies will say, “I've come te collect my childre! Me big car's outside,” an all the nuns will rush te the winda te get a look. An a man wearin a lovely suit an a big cigar in his mouth will wave at them. An then Josie's mammy will say, “He is me new husband.” An Rosie's mammy will say, “My new husband is a very important man. Too important te meet youse nuns. An Josie's mammy here is givin me a lift te take me back te me airplane where I'm goin te America an takin me Rosie wit me, so I am.”'

Then the door of our playroom opened, an a big young one came over te me. ‘Martha, come on, come wit me,' she said, an she took me hand. ‘Sister wants you. I'm te take ye over te her.'

‘Why?' I whispered. ‘I didn't do anythin. Am I goin te get inta trouble?'

‘No! Why would you get inta trouble? Wha did you do?'

‘Nothin!' But I tried te think. Maybe cos I wet me bed, I thought.

We arrived over at the shoe room, an the nun was in there rummagin among the shoes. ‘Good girl! Try these on!' An she put me sittin on the stool, an we tried several pairs until she found a pair tha suited me. ‘Now, let's get you changed.' An she put me in a lovely warm woollen dress wit a blue cardigan an brown woollen socks te me knees. Then a lovely tan coat tha went past me knees wit a velvet collar an a matchin velvet hat, an woollen gloves wit the string through the sleeves so I wouldn't lose them. I was lookin lovely altogether, an then she brought me up te the parlour, an me ma was there.

‘Now, we'll expect to see you this evening. Before five o'clock,' the nun said te me mammy.

‘Yes, Sister! I'll be back before then. I'll have her back on time. Don't worry, she won't be late!' me ma said.

‘Very well, then. Be good now for your mother!' the nun said te me. An she slammed the door after us.

Me ma looked at the shut door an said, ‘Go fuck yerself, Sister!' an she grabbed me hand an laughed an said, ‘Run, Martha! Let's get outa this place. We're not fuckin comin back here!'

I didn't know wha was happenin, an me ma said, ‘I had an awful time tryin te talk the nun inta lettin me take ye. I'm supposed te be in court today te sign you away!'

Me heart leapt wit fright! ‘Ma, wha's happenin?'

‘Nothin!' me ma said. ‘I'm not goin te turn up.'

‘Where's the babby, Ma? Where is he? Is he all right? Can we go now an collect him?'

‘I will when I'm ready,' she said. Then she went quiet.

We went over te the Liberties, an me ma hung aroun her aunt's house. She was walkin up an down but keepin a safe distance so we wouldn't be seen. ‘What are we waitin for, Ma? Can we not go te collect the babby now, Ma?'

‘Wait! Wait! I'm lookin te see if Lizzie's aroun.' An sure enough the door opened, an me aunt Lizzie came out in her shawl an shut the door behind her. Me ma took off an shouted, ‘Run, Martha! Quick, before she sees us,' an shot aroun the corner.

Aunt Lizzie roared, ‘Come back here, you! I saw you.'

An me ma put her head aroun the corner an shouted, ‘Come on, Martha. Don't let her catch ye!'

‘Come over here, Martha!' Aunt Lizzie said. ‘I want ye!'

I looked at the corner where me ma vanished, an I looked at me aunt Lizzie rushin over te me. An I stayed where I was.

‘Wha's tha one been up to? I've been lookin everywhere fer her.'

‘I don't know, Aunt Lizzie,' I said.

‘Where'd ye get the style? Ye're lookin the picture of health.'

‘I gorrit in a convent, Aunt Lizzie.'

‘Wha convent? Wha's goin on? What in the name of Jaysus is tha one up te now, may I ask ye? Wait till I get her.'

Me ma came back aroun the corner an stopped. Then she smiled an came down te Aunt Lizzie. ‘I'm in an awful hurry. I have te rush.'

‘Is tha right, now? Well, I have the authorities out lookin fer you. You're bein put inta a home. An when the parish priest catches ye, the only place you'll be rushin te is Gloucester Street Convent. That'll put a stop te yer gallup.'

‘Ah, Auntie Lizzie! Don't do me any harm. Sure I'm lookin after everythin grand! Lookit Martha! Amn't I keepin her lovely?'

‘Bad cess te ye, ye dangerous liar. I don't know where you've been keepin yerself, but ye weren't mindin tha child. She told me ye had her in a home.'

‘I'll catch up wit ye again, Aunt Lizzie. I'd better rush,' an me ma grabbed me hand an took off in an awful hurry. ‘I'd better not let tha one find me,' she said. ‘We'd better clear outa here.'

Me ma took me on the bus an handed the conductor a ten bob note. ‘Nothin smaller, Mrs?' he asked.

‘No, I didn't get a chance te change it in the shop.'

So the conductor gave it back an said he was only startin out an he hadn't any change. ‘Don't spend it all in the one shop!'

‘Don't worry, I won't,' me ma said, an laughed.

‘I'll meet ye outside the Tivoli at eight o'clock,' he shouted after me ma when we stepped off the bus.

‘You'll be lucky,' me ma shouted back.

We arrived at the home where me babby brother was kept. There was trees all aroun an high steps up te the big door. I stood on the iron thing fer cleanin yer shoes an looked in the coloured glass at the side a the winda. There was another door inside an a big pot holdin umbrellas. Me ma rang the bell, an me heart was poundin up an down. I fixed me hat te make meself look respectable, an hoped nothin would go wrong. A nun opened the door, an me ma said, ‘Good afternoon, Sister. I'm here te pick up me babby.'

‘And you are?' the nun said. Me ma told her, an the nun brought us in. Me ma went inta another room, an I was told te wait in the hall. I sat on a big black chair, an me heart was flutterin in case they kept me here or they wouldn't give us back our babby. Or maybe they'd call the police, cos me aunt Lizzie told them, an they'd take away me ma an lock her up. An I'd never get a chance te see me babby brother or me ma again.

A big clock suddenly bonged, an I wet me new knickers wit the fright! I crossed me legs an dragged meself across the hall, lookin fer someone te take me te the tilet. I opened the door where me ma went, an said, ‘I need te go te the tilet.' She was talkin te the nun, an she said I'd have te wait. I was jiggin up an down an tryin te reverse out the door, but me face was red, an I was sayin, ‘Ah! Ah! I'm wettin me knickers.' I didn't care any more about the nun, an I shouted wit me head in the door, ‘Ma, Ma! Me pooley's comin.' Me ma chewed her lip, an the nun jumped up, grabbed me by the arm an rushed me down the hall. She kept sayin, ‘Don't soil the floor. You're a very naughty girl.' I was sloshin piss down me legs an inta me new shoes, an keepin me legs apart so I wouldn't destroy me new dress. An leavin a trail of piss behind me. I couldn't see where I was goin, cos me hat was knocked over me eyes, an I was holdin me frock an coat wit me free hand te stop them gettin full a piss.

When we got te the tilet, I didn't need te go, cos I'd pissed meself all the way down the passage. I was soppin wet, so I took off me shoes an me socks an me knickers, which were swimmin. An I put them on the floor, wettin the floor. An I wondered wha te do now. So I emptied me shoes of all the piss an put them back on again. Then I looked at me knickers an socks an decided te leave them there, they were destroyed.

I came back out an looked fer the hall, an I went in the wrong direction. I seemed te be walkin fer miles, an I couldn't find the hall. So I opened a door, cos I heard voices inside. An there was a load a nuns wit white veils an black veils an white aprons. Some were laughin an talkin, an some were knittin, an two young ones wit all their hair an a lace on their heads were doin a jigsaw. They all looked up, an I said, ‘Excuse me, can any of youse tell me where the hall is?' An they looked at me, from me hat down te me shoes, an they burst out laughin. ‘I'm lost,' I said. ‘I went te the tilet, an I can't find me way back. I left ye's a pair a knickers an me socks, they're in the tilet. They're no good te me, cos they're soppin wet! But youse can wash them an put them on the childre.'