Love, Lucas (12 page)

“Goodnight, Oakley.” He gives me a shy smile, walks to the fence, and lets himself out. I stare at the fence until I hear his door close.

I don’t want to admit it but I may have a crush. Just a little one.

CHAPTER 10

DEAR OAKLEY,

YOU KNOW THAT SUPER MARIO BLANKET MOM BOUGHT ME FOR MY BIRTHDAY WHEN I WAS FIVE? I STILL HAVE IT. I TOLD MOM I GOT RID OF IT A FEW YEARS AGO BECAUSE I THOUGHT I WAS TOO OLD FOR MARIO. BUT THE TRUTH IS, MARIO ROCKS. I MEAN, HOW COOL WOULD IT BE TO BE A PLUMBER GUY WHO’S REALLY SHORT AND FAT BUT CAN STILL JUMP REALLY HIGH? THAT’S AWESOME! AND ON TOP OF THAT, HE GETS PRINCESS PEACH FOR A GIRLFRIEND. EVEN WITH HER ANNOYING SAYINGS ON MARIO KART. EVEN THOUGH DAISY IS CUTER. ALTHOUGH, I DO PREFER BRUNETTES, SO THAT’S PROBABLY WHY. STUPID LUIGI. I NEVER LIKED HIM AND HIS CREEPY VOICE.

ANYWAY, I’M NOT REALLY SURE WHAT THIS LETTER HAS TO DO WITH ANYTHING TODAY. I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT THAT BLANKET. IT’S SHOVED IN THE TOP OF MY CLOSET. YOU CAN SNUGGLE WITH IT IF YOU WANT. JUST REMEMBER IT WAS ON MY BED FOR YEARS. AND I TOOK IT EVERYWHERE. IT’S PROBABLY REALLY DISGUSTING NOW, SO IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO WASH IT BEFORE YOU SLEEP WITH IT. BECAUSE YOU WILL SLEEP WITH IT. IT’S MARIO. WHO WOULDN’T WANT SOME OF THAT ACTION?

SWEET DREAMS!

LOVE, LUCAS

I stare at the letter. He
still
has that nasty old blanket? I remember it well. He took it everywhere with him. Sometimes Mom had to drag it out of his hands. She always said he was too old to carry a blanket around, even though she was the one who gave it to him. And it wasn’t like he took it into the grocery store or anything. Though I wouldn’t put it past him.

So many memories.

Someone taps on my door and Mom walks in before I answer. “Hey,” she says. She looks a little better today. Her hair is done and she’s wearing makeup. She sits down on the edge of my bed and pulls on a piece of her hair. She always does that when she’s nervous. “There’s something I need to talk to you about.”

Here it comes. I already know what it is. I’ve seen the signs. Ever since Lucas got diagnosed with cancer, she and Dad have acted differently toward one another. I don’t think they blame each other, since you can’t give cancer to anyone, but I think they both wish they could have done more. “It’s about you and Dad. I talked to him last night.”

She looks at me, surprised. “You did?”

“He didn’t say anything about you but I’m not stupid, Mom. I figured it out before we even got here.”

“Oakley.” She sighs. “Your father and I . . .” She frowns and I know she’s unsure of what to say or how to say it.

“You’re getting divorced.” I look away from her penetrating gaze and focus on my hands. Anything to distract myself from looking at her. “There. I said it for you so you didn’t have to do it.”

“Oakley . . . let me explain. It’s not like—”

“It’s fine, Mom. I knew it was coming.” I fling my covers off my legs and slip my flip-flops on. “I’ll be on the beach if you need me.”

“Oakley, wait. It’s not fine. We need to talk about this.”

“I don’t want to. I know what a divorce means.”

She lets out a frustrated breath. “That’s not what I meant.”

I put my hand on the doorknob. “Then what do you mean?”

“We just need to talk. I need you to understand what I’m going through.”

I frown. “What
you’re
going through? Have you ever thought about what
I’m
going through? I’m seventeen and I’ve been through way more than most people my age have. And that’s not a good thing. My parents forgot about me for the past year and are now getting divorced. My brother was diagnosed with cancer, and I watched him die. I. Watched. Him.
Die
. My best friend is gone. And my mom can’t even look me in the eye and tell me it’s going to be okay.”

Her eyes fill with tears and I take a shaky breath to keep mine at bay. “Oakley—”

I hold up a hand to stop her. “Please.”
Keep breathing.
“I can’t do this right now.” Even though I
want
to say more. I want her to know how much I’m hurting. I want her to know how much their divorce is already affecting me, how it’s their fault I’m the way I am, but I can’t bring myself to do it. So I stand there and stare at her, my hand still on the doorknob, her sad eyes still on me. Begging me for . . . I’m not sure what. I think back to Lucas’s letter from yesterday.
Don’t be too hard on Mom and Dad.
How can I not be? Can’t she see how much I’m hurting? How much pain I’m in from losing the three people I care about most? Before I say something I regret, I turn away. “I’ll be back later,” I say and open the door.

“Oakley, please.”

I shut the door and leave her alone.

I’m fuming by the time I reach the water. I don’t know whether to cry or to punch something. Or someone. My family has completely fallen to crap. It’s killing me to watch their marriage fall apart by myself.

It sucks. A lot.

Lucas would have handled this so much better than me. He looked on the bright side of everything, even when there wasn’t one. If he were here, he’d put a positive spin on things. If he were here, he’d tell me to quit acting like a baby and man up. The corner of my mouth twitches, thinking of all the times he said that to me because he knew how much I hated it.

But now I realize how true the statement is. I
am
acting like a baby. Lucas may be gone but my parents are still here. And all I’m doing is pushing them away.

I debate going to see what Carson’s doing, since he always seems to put me in a better mood but decide against it. His Jeep is gone so I’m sure he’s at work. And I’m not really brave enough to show up and meet his family without him there.

“Hey, Oakley.”

I turn around and see Dillon striding toward me with a smile on his face. I know he lives around here but not sure where. “Hi,” I say. I’m distracted. I don’t really want to talk to anyone. I hate fighting with Mom. Hate it.

“You busy?”

I shake my head. “Not really.”

“Why don’t I take you to breakfast? Have you eaten?”

“No.” I force a smile but my mind keeps racing. Maybe I was too hard on Mom. I should apologize but I don’t know what I’d say. “I’m not very hungry though.”

He looks disappointed.

“Sorry. Maybe another time.”

“I’ll hold you to that.”

We stand in awkward silence until he clears his throat beside me. “You want to go for a walk or something? I don’t have to work for another hour.”

I shrug. “Okay.”

We walk. My mind is scattered so I don’t talk. Just listen. It’s not like Dillon asks me any questions anyway. He has no problem carrying on the conversation himself. He talks and talks and I sort of tune him out for a while. “Have you tried it yet?”

I look over at him, still distracted. “Huh?”

He smiles. “Surfing.”

“Oh. Yes. Carson took me out yesterday.”

His smile falters but he recovers quickly. “He wasn’t working yesterday . . . he must have given you a freebie.”

“A freebie?”

“He taught you for free. That’s not normal for him. He usually doesn’t do that for his students.”

“I’m not really his student. We’re just friends.”

He chuckles. “Sure.”

I stop walking. “No, really. He’s become a good friend.”

He holds his hands out defensively. “I wasn’t implying anything. I’m just curious. I’ve known Carson for years and he never just gives someone surf lessons. Or hangs out with them all the time. He’s pretty private. He’s had girls after him for years and hasn’t given them a second glance. But then you come along and he’s hooked.”

“It’s not like that.”

He smiles. “Maybe not for you. I can tell you’ve got him wrapped around your finger though.”

I fold my arms and start walking again. “You’ve never even seen us together.” Why is he telling me this anyway? It’s hard to believe Carson may like me that much already. He doesn’t know anything about me. Other than I can’t surf and I can’t sing.

“I’ve seen enough.”

I stop again and he does as well. “I should probably be getting back” I say.

“Really?”

“Yes. I have some things I need to do today.”

He studies me and I shrink under his gaze. “Do you want me to walk you back?”

I shake my head. “I can manage. Thanks for the walk.”

“Anytime. And I’m really taking a rain check on that breakfast.”

“Okay.” I start back home, very aware of his eyes on me. I’m not sure why I’m annoyed but I am. And confused.

The rest of the day consists of the silent treatment from Mom. And no word from Carson.

CHAPTER 11

DEAR OAKLEY,

IT’S TIME WE HAD A TALK. AND NO, NOT ABOUT THE BIRDS AND THE BEES. THAT WOULDN’T BE AWKWARD AT ALL . . .

I chuckle. Even when he was in the hospital, he still had a sense of humor. I could just hear his sarcasm.

BUT SERIOUSLY. I KNOW HOW GUYS THINK. BE CAREFUL. YOU’RE GETTING CUTE. THAT’S THE WORD I’LL USE, SINCE YOU’RE MY LITTLE SISTER. PICK A GUY WHO WILL TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT. SOMEONE LIKE ME, BUT NOT ME. FUNNY, BRILLIANT, AND ALL OUT AWESOME. AND IF YOU FIND THE RIGHT GUY, DON’T SCREW IT UP BY BEING SOMEONE YOU’RE NOT. BE YOURSELF. GUYS DON’T LIKE FAKE GIRLS. AND YOU’RE NOT FAKE.

OH, AND STAY AWAY FROM BRADY COLIER. SERIOUSLY. IF HE EVEN TRIES TO HIT ON YOU, YOU HAVE MY PERMISSION TO KICK HIM IN THE NUTS.

LOVE, LUCAS

Brady Colier. I’ll admit he’s hot but that’s about it. Lucas has nothing to worry about as far as Brady’s concerned.

I set Lucas’s notebook down and pull on some shorts and a tank top. The news about my parents getting divorced simmers at the back of my mind. I try not to think about it. Try not to worry. I’ll deal with it when I’m ready.

A part of me knows I should talk to Mom. Fix what’s already broken between us, but I can’t. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know what to say.

My cell rings and I flop down on my bed and pick it up.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Oakley. Sorry I didn’t call yesterday. My dad had me work a twelve-hour shift. I was beat when I got home so I went straight to bed.”

“Sounds rough.”

“Eh. It wasn’t a big deal.”

“Good.”

“So, do you want to catch some waves later today? I’m heading to work right now but I’ll meet you on the beach around three if you want. We can try some bigger waves today.”

“That would be great.”

“Also, my family wants to meet you. My sister, anyway. Do you want to come over for dinner?”

My heart quickens. He wants me to meet his
family
? Maybe that whole conversation with Dillon yesterday was true. Did he really like me like
that
? “Uh . . . sure.”

“Great! I’ll see you later then.”

“Okay. Bye.”

I hang up the phone. Maybe hanging out with Carson will distract me from the mess that has become my life. I don’t know how I feel about meeting his family but I decide to take it one step at a time. Breathe in and breathe out. Worry about it later.

I will worry about it
all
later.

Instead of sulking in my room until three, I grab my surfboard and head to the beach. A little practice will do me good before I make a fool out of myself in front of Carson again.

It’s kind of stormy but there are a few people surfing anyway. The water’s choppy, so I stay near the beach to practice on smaller waves coming in. I’m surprised how easy it’s getting for me to stand. My legs are still sore from the day Carson taught me but I can feel them getting used to the movement of jumping up and balancing. The leash around my ankle doesn’t bother me at all anymore.

I know I’ve been out for a few hours but I need as much practice as I can get.

After riding another small wave in, I jump off my board. The water laps at my feet as I stare out into the ocean at the surfers riding the bigger waves. Something sparks inside me. Maybe I could try the big waves without Carson. It doesn’t look too different from what I’ve already been doing.

I shake my head. I’m never spontaneous. I don’t do things that could be dangerous. But . . . why not? Would it be so bad to break my good girl habit once in a while and do something impulsive? What would it hurt to go out and try the big waves? It’s not like I’ll drown or anything. I’m a good swimmer. And even if I did drown, it wouldn’t be the end of the world.

I hang my head and rub my eyes. Why would that thought even enter my mind? I don’t want to die. Do I?

I stare out at the waves. There are pros and cons to the idea, for sure. Like seeing Lucas again. I could be happy. Just me and him. No one would even realize I was gone. My friends have already forgotten about me. I’m sure Mom and Dad would be sad but Mom thinks I’m suicidal anyway. She wouldn’t be too surprised. I wonder if she’d miss me.

Before I know what’s happening, I’m paddling out past the smaller waves. I kick and dig my arms into the water, fighting the current pushing me back toward shore, and finally make it to where the other surfers are. I watch them wait their turns to take different waves, one after the other. They’re all so calm. Like they’ve been surfing for years. None of them look as nervous as I feel. No one even looks at me, so I hang back and watch, trying to figure out the right technique to it all.

My body is shaking but it might be because of the cold. Or maybe adrenaline has taken over. I wait until the last one catches a wave and moves out of sight.

Now what am I supposed to do?

The cold seeps through my wet suit and caresses my skin. I shiver. The water’s dark and murky and the waves look extra big. Dangerous. I’m doing something dangerous. Which makes me smile. I think of Lucas then, knowing exactly what he’d say if he were with me.

Don’t be stupid, Oakley.

I’m not being stupid. I’m trying something new and taking risks.

I look around. There’s no one near me. No one to give me pointers or tell me I’m going to be okay. For some reason, it makes me more determined. I
can
take risks. I
can
do hard things. And I
am
going to get up on a wave and ride it back to the beach.