Love, Lucas (21 page)

“Waves any good today?” Stupid. What a way to start the conversation. I know he’s mad at me and now he probably thinks I don’t care. I wait for him to answer but he just shrugs.

“Carson,” I start.

He holds up a hand. “You don’t have to explain anything.”

“Yes I do.”

“You’ve been pretty clear about where we stand and I really don’t think I can handle hearing any more.”

I sigh. “Please. Let me explain. I screwed up, okay?”

He’s quiet, staring at the water in front of him.

“Could you please just listen to me for a second? Please?”

“Sure.” He still won’t look at me but I start talking anyway.

“First of all, I want to say I’m sorry. I had no reason to ignore you the past week. I’ve never had a boyfriend before. I don’t know what to do or how to act. I wasn’t sure what I was feeling. Everything was so confusing. It still is.” I shake my head. “I’m so sorry I ruined everything.”

He turns to look at me and opens his mouth to say something, but I beat him to it.

“I’ve had a lot of time to think since I’ve moved here. After Lucas died . . . I never thought I’d get over it. And I’m not over it. But I’m starting to move on. The only reason I’ve gotten this far is because of you. You’ve helped me heal. You haven’t given up on me and I don’t understand why.” I wish he could understand how much he’s helped me. It’s so hard to open up to anybody but for some reason it’s easy with him.

“Why did you ignore me?” he asks. “What did I do?”

I lift my eyes to meet his. They’re curious, but patient. Always so patient. “It wasn’t anything you did . . .” I hesitate. I think about what Dillon said to me. That’s the biggest reason. I don’t want to be the bad guy. And I’m not, but it might seem like I am if I tell him what he said. And then all the stuff his dad said . . . I take a deep breath. “Dillon said some stuff.”

He frowns. “What kind of stuff?”

“He wasn’t trying to be mean, he just told me some things. You know I’m leaving before summer starts. He doesn’t want me to lead you on and leave you. He doesn’t want you to get hurt.”

“Are you serious?” He rolls his eyes. “Of course he said that. He likes you.”

“What? No he doesn’t.”

“Look. I’ve known Dillon for a long time and he’s never cared enough about my feelings to tell the girl I like to break up with me because he doesn’t want me to get hurt. He’s mad that you never gave him the time of day.” He shakes his head and studies me. “That’s not the only reason you’ve been ignoring me. What else?”

I run my hand through the water and avoid his eyes. “I have too much baggage.”

He shrugs. “So do I.”

“Not like mine.”

“Everyone has baggage, Oakley. No one’s perfect. If you think that’s going to scare me off, you’re wrong.”

“It should.”

He reaches across the water and grabs my hand. He’s so serious. My body shakes from the cold but he holds on. “It doesn’t.”

“I feel like I’m betraying Lucas, though. That me being happy will make him sad. I’m supposed to be grieving. And I feel . . . guilty. That I’m getting to experience these amazing things with you that he never got to feel.”

He sighs. “You think he’ll be sad to know you’re living your life and that you’re happy? I don’t think so. I think he’d be proud of you for moving on. You don’t have to forget someone to move on. They can still be with you. And all the memories you had together? They never go away.”

“I know they won’t go away. But it’s still hard knowing I won’t have any new memories with him to look forward to.”

“I know. I also know he wouldn’t want you to be miserable.” He squeezes my hand. “What else?”

What else? I don’t know what else. I mean, I do, I just don’t know if I want to say. I’ve never been good about sharing my feelings. He’s kind of pushing it. I meet his eyes. He’s watching me. His expression curious, but soft.

“The truth is . . . I . . . I’m going to miss you when I leave. I don’t want to get involved with someone I might not ever see again. I don’t want to be just a fling.”

He smiles. “Trust me. This isn’t a fling. What I feel for you I’ve never felt for anyone else. You’re stubborn and funny. Shy and withdrawn, but when I somehow break those barriers, you’re sweet and caring. You’re so talented and beautiful. If you’d see yourself like I see you . . .” His voice catches and he shakes his head with a smile. “I’ve thought about you every single day since the first day I met you. I know they say there’s no such thing as love at first sight, but I think they’re wrong. I knew I wanted to date you the second you almost fell into that tide pool. It took a little convincing but I finally got you to agree. Somehow.”

I don’t know what to say. I’m shocked, to say the least. I certainly didn’t fall for him that quickly. And even though he didn’t say
I love you
, maybe that’s what he means. In the tone of his voice and the way he’s looking at me. I don’t know if I love him back yet, but if I stop being an idiot, maybe I can figure it out.

He squeezes my hand. “You’re perfect for me, you know that?”

I blush. “I’m pretty sure
you’re
the perfect one.”

He searches my face and squeezes my hand again. “And don’t talk about leaving yet. We have the rest of the spring and we could have the summer, right?”

“Maybe.”

He looks around. We’ve floated a little ways out. “Let’s go in. You’re cold. We can talk on the beach while you warm up.”

There are a million things I want to say to him, but I just nod instead. We’ll have time to talk later. “Okay.”

He drops my hand, and as I go to paddle, something hits my board so hard it knocks me into the water. I hear Carson shout my name before I go under.

Something slides past my legs and I panic as I scramble to the surface.

Carson’s still yelling and it takes me a second to realize what’s happening.

“Shark!” he yells. “Get back to the beach,
now
!”

The danger must be real, or he wouldn’t be yelling, but there is no way I’m leaving him out here. I grab my board, climb on as fast as I can, and paddle frantically toward him.

I’m almost to him when I see the monstrous fin slice through the water a few feet away. My stomach drops and I freeze as it heads straight for Carson. I watch in terror as he’s knocked off his board and hits the water with a splash. I scream his name as he disappears. He surfaces just as quick, but the second he locks eyes with me, he’s dragged under.

I don’t think, I just move. I’m screaming Carson’s name as I unhook my ankle and leave the safety of my board. The water is red all around me and I start to panic when Carson doesn’t surface for what seems like minutes, but it’s probably only seconds. I look around, not knowing what to do as screams echo along the beach behind me.

And then Carson’s head pops up only a few feet away. The shark still has him and he’s fighting to get away. It takes only seconds for me to swim close enough to see the shark’s dark eye. I don’t think, just punch any part of the fish that I can.

Without warning, the shark releases him, and I grab Carson under the arms. I pull him toward my board. “Carson,” I cry over and over, but he doesn’t answer. I glance around, terrified the shark will come back, but my only focus now is to get Carson to the beach. I try to keep his head above the water as I kick my legs as hard as I can.

I’m sobbing. I have no idea where my board is and we’re surrounded in red. My legs feel like Jell-O and I’m pretty sure I’m going into shock. I get a sliver of hope when Carson says my name but then he passes out again and starts going under. I can’t hold him, I’m shaking so bad and, just when I think I’ll drown us both, Dillon appears at my side, along with three surfers I’ve never seen before. They pull Carson away from me and Dillon grabs my arm and steers me toward my board, which is floating a few yards away. I don’t know how I didn’t see it before.

“Are you hurt?” he yells. I stare at him. I can’t feel my body anymore. Everything is numb. “Oakley!” He grabs my face and it takes me a second to focus on him. “Are you hurt?”

“Where’s Carson?” I ask. My voice sounds tiny, like a child.

He glances behind us. “There’s an ambulance on its way. He’s almost to the beach.” He looks around. “We’ve got to get out of the water in case it comes back.”

He grabs my board and paddles us into the beach. When we’re close enough, he helps me stand. I lean on him for support.

“Your hands,” he says.

I look down and notice a few knuckles are bleeding. Did I really punch a shark? The whole thing feels like a dream. That couldn’t have been me. I’m not strong enough or brave enough to do something like that.

Keilani meets us in the water and asks me something. She’s crying. I don’t understand a word she says. All I can hear are sirens.

And people yelling.

I look ahead and see Carson motionless on the ground. His wet suit is ripped to shreds. The sand is turning red underneath him. Paramedics are all around him, pressing and bandaging his wounds. One of them is giving him CPR.

Then I see it: only one foot where there should be two. I take a step forward, just to make sure. My ears start ringing and I feel my blood rush to my head.

His leg. Just below the knee. It’s gone.

His leg is gone.

It’s too much. I feel my body sway and Dillon curses next to me as I start to fall. I don’t remember anything else.

CHAPTER 22

I wake up in my bed. I’m not sure how I got there, but I do remember a little. A man’s face keeps popping into my head. A paramedic. I remember his blue shirt and kind eyes.

“Oakley?”

I tense and look to the right. Mom is sitting on my bed.

She moves closer to me and reaches out, pushing my hair out of my face. “How are you feeling?”

Carson. The shark. The blood. His missing leg. My stomach turns and I feel like I’m going to throw up. “Is Carson okay?” It’s barely a whisper.

Mom hesitates.

I push her hand away from my hair and sit up. “Is Carson okay?”

She sighs. “We don’t know. He lost a lot of blood.” She hesitates again and I know he’s not doing well from the way she looks at me. “He’s in a coma.”

No. This can’t be happening. He can’t die. He can’t. He’s all I have now. I can’t lose him too. I can’t! Why did I try and push him away?

This is my fault. If I wouldn’t have been so stupid and selfish, none of this would have happened.

I cover my mouth to stifle a sob. I don’t know what else to do. My body shakes and I’m freezing. I swear I’m going to pass out again.

It should have been me.

But it’s never me. Things always happen to the people I love most.

Why couldn’t it have been me?

“It’s going to be okay,” Mom says. She wraps her arms around me as I cry and I lean into her and sob. I cry for Carson. I cry for Lucas. I cry for Mom and Dad. I cry for me. I cry until I run out of tears.

After what seems like forever, I finally pull away and lie down. My head hurts and my eyes sting.

“Do you need anything, honey?”

I shake my head.

She looks worried but stands. “Get some rest. I’ll let you know if I hear anything else.”

I don’t answer, just curl in a ball and stare at nothing.

I’m not sure how long it’s been. I don’t remember falling asleep, but when I wake, it’s light outside. Like, really light. Morning. My eyes are swollen. I can feel it. Avoiding looking in the mirror, I slide out of bed and tiptoe out to the porch. I stare at Carson’s house. No cars are in the driveway. His family must be at the hospital—any family would be.

Part of me wants to go there too. I need to know how he’s doing but I can’t bring myself to go. After Lucas came home, I told myself I’d never go into another hospital again. It’s too much.

I don’t know what to do, so I sit down in a wicker chair and wait for something to happen.

Nothing does. The hours pass by in silence as I stare across the street at the ocean. It looks so calm. Like nothing bad could ever happen there. It’s deceiving, the ocean. One second you can be swimming along and the next . . .

I swallow and shake my head. Don’t think about it. Maybe if I don’t think about it, it will all go away. Maybe it’s all a dream.

Jo pokes her head out the door and tells me lunch is ready. I don’t say anything and she disappears back inside. She comes out a few minutes later and sets a plate on the table beside me.

“You need to eat something.”

She stands there, waiting for me to say something, but I don’t. I’m not hungry. I don’t even look to see what she’s made. She sighs and goes back inside, leaving me alone.

Someone opens the door behind me, steps on to the porch, and sits down next to me. Mom. I don’t know what she wants but I’m not in the mood to talk to anyone.

“How are you doing?” she asks.

I don’t answer.

“Honey, Jo said Carson’s sister’s called several times. You should probably call her back.”

Poor Keilani. She’s probably having a horrible time. I know what it feels like to watch a brother die. My eyes burn but I swallow and breathe slowly to calm myself down. “I can’t.”

“She thinks if you go to the hospital, maybe if he hears your voice . . .”