Looking Through Windows (6 page)

"Her parents are selling her paintings," Emily said. "I saw one in a shop window downtown. I guess I just lost it."

"Emily, I'm so sorry," Ann said softly, "about everything."

Emily's eyes suddenly widened. "I didn't make it to class today. Everyone must be worried. I'm sorry…"

Ann interrupted by moving to the couch and putting her arm around Emily's shoulders. "You need to take care of yourself, Emily. You're staying here tonight. No arguments," she said firmly as Emily opened her mouth to protest. "I'll let Mrs. Gundlach know you're here for the night. We'll see about tomorrow."

Ann called Mrs. Gundlach, and told her that Emily was spending the night. Then she found a large t-shirt for Emily to wear, and rummaged around in the bathroom until she found an extra toothbrush. After Emily had changed and come out of the bathroom, Ann showed her into the bedroom.

"I can't sleep in your bed," Emily protested.

"Nonsense," Ann countered.

"What about you?" Emily asked.

"I'll sleep on the sofa," Ann said.

"Ann…"

"No more discussion," Ann insisted. "Goodnight," she added more gently.

 After washing and changing into a nightshirt, Ann stretched out on the couch, pulling a crocheted blanket up around her neck. Lying there, she thought about all that Emily had told her. It hadn't occurred to her that Emily was gay. She'd never had a gay friend, at least not that she knew of. She wasn't shocked or repulsed. Emily's love for Caroline seemed so real and genuine. It was a depth of emotion Ann had yet to experience, but she had witnessed that kind of love in her parents' relationship. She herself had had one long-term relationship with a man. She had cared for him, but she had known something was missing. So she was content to wait for what her parents had. She felt sure it would come in time.

She pondered the anguish Emily had been through. She couldn't fathom the cruelty of being denied the opportunity to see the person she loved as she lay dying, or of having every tangible memento of that person taken from her. Her eyes filled with tears again at the thought of the pain Emily had been living with all this time.

At last she drifted into a restless sleep. She wasn't sure what time it was when she heard something. Startled awake, she listened in the dark. It was Emily in the bathroom. Ann waited. Emily was in there for a long time. With the same feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach which she had felt earlier in the day, she remembered that she had a couple of bottles of powerful prescription pain killers from old riding injuries in the medicine chest. She got up and knocked on the door.

"Emily? Are you all right?" She thought she heard the medicine chest door snap shut. The door opened, and Emily was standing there.

"I needed a drink of water."

"Have you been able to sleep?"

Emily shook her head.

"Would it be easier not to be alone?"

"I don't want to make you uncomfortable," Emily said, very self-conscious now that Ann knew she was gay.

Ann took Emily by the shoulders, and looked her square in the eye. "You haven't made me uncomfortable at all. I just didn't want to disturb you."

"It wouldn't disturb me," Emily said. She looked down. "Actually, I'd rather not be alone."

Ann knew that wasn't easy for her to say. They went in to the bedroom and climbed into bed. Emily lay stiffly on one side.

"Would you like me to hold you until you fall asleep?" Ann asked softy.

"Thank you," Emily whispered, moving into Ann's arms. She felt Ann's breath on her hair, and smelled a subtle perfume. Slowly, she felt the tension in her neck and shoulders ease. Ann listened to Emily's breathing slow and grow deeper. Finally, she, too, fell asleep.

Chapter 11

W
hen Ann woke the next morning, Emily was already awake, watching her.

"Good morning," Ann smiled. "How did you sleep?"

"I did sleep, for the first time in ages," Emily said.

"Good. Let me use the bathroom real fast then you can shower while I make some coffee," Ann said as she got up. She went to the bathroom to brush her teeth, and when she opened the medicine chest, a plastic bottle fell off the shelf into the sink. Picking it up and looking at the label, it was one of the medicines she had remembered. She stood there staring at the bottle for a long time. With her heart pounding, she took the bottles to the kitchen and hid them in a cupboard there.

While Ann busied herself in the kitchen, Emily stood under the hot shower for a long time, letting the water splash into her face. She felt as if more than her body were being cleansed by the stream. She was amazed at the depth of Ann's compassion. They barely knew one another, yet she had come looking for her, making it her business, despite Emily's past objections, to see if she was okay.

When she was dressed, she went out to the kitchen where the aroma of coffee brewing was mixed with the scent of pancakes on the griddle.

"Hope you're hungry," Ann said, smiling at her from the stove.

"Actually, I'm starving," Emily realized.

"Good! Why don't you pour us both some coffee? The mugs are in that cupboard," she said, pointing. Emily reached in to get two coffee mugs and saw the pill bottles tucked in between some cups further in. She turned a deep red, but said nothing as she poured the coffee.

They talked about ordinary things as they ate. Emily ate six pancakes before pushing her plate back.

"You were hungry," Ann nodded.  "I'm impressed."

Emily grinned sheepishly. "You haven't seen me at my usual hunger level."

"You must be expensive to feed," Ann said, one eyebrow raised.

Emily laughed. It felt good to laugh. Ann thought it was a wonderful sound. When they had finished, Ann said, "I'll shower, and then let's go for a drive."

"I really should get back to – "

"Get back to what?" Ann demanded. "There is absolutely nothing that has to be done this weekend."

Emily acquiesced. While Ann showered, she cleaned up the kitchen. They grabbed two light jackets from Ann's closet, as there was a fall chill to the mornings now. They filled the Toyota with gas, and just drove. Emily didn't even know where they were going. It was so nice to let someone else be in control for a while.

They stopped in small towns and wandered through antique shops and flea markets. For lunch, they stopped at a roadside café. The sun was shining and the leaves were just beginning to turn. There were lots of other leaf watchers on the roads with them, but it was too early for the peak tourist invasion.

They continued in a generally northern direction throughout the afternoon. Finally, Emily asked, "Shouldn't we be heading back?"

"We're not going back tonight," Ann announced. "While you were in the shower, I made a couple of phone calls and got reservations at an inn on Lake Champlain. There's a bag with t-shirts, toothbrushes and a change of clothes in the back." She looked over at Emily. "You look about my size. I think my clothes will fit for a day."

"Ann, that is so thoughtful of you, but I can't let you do that," Emily argued.

"It's done," Ann replied matter-of-factly. "Besides, you're not driving." She looked over with a smile that made Emily's heart ache.

Emily thought for a minute. There really wasn't anything she had to get back to. She'd worked so much the last few weeks she was ahead in all her classes. She settled back in the comfortable leather seat. "All right, you're the boss," she sighed. Then she added, "for the weekend."

Ann laughed, and started telling more stories of growing up with the ponies and horses she had loved. As darkness began to fall, they got to the southern end of Lake Champlain. She pulled into the parking lot of a charming old house on the lake road.

They checked in to their room, furnished with two twin beds and antique night stands. The dormer window looked out onto the lake, which still reflected the last glow of sunset from the western sky. They stood together at the window, watching the last light fade from the sky.

"Ann," Emily said humbly, "I don't know how to thank you for all you've done."

Ann slid an arm around her. "I'm just glad you let me help." She gave Emily a quick squeeze. "Come on, I'm hungry!"

They went downstairs to the dining room. They both had steaks, baked potatoes and a large salad. After dinner they put on their jackets and went for a walk. An almost full moon had risen, lighting their way. They crossed the road to the rocky shore of the lake.

"Can you skip rocks?" Emily asked. She picked up a nice, flat stone and sent it skipping over the water…six, seven, eight skips.

Ann picked up a stone, but only got two skips. Emily showed her how to curl her index finger around the edge to get the right spin on the stone as it was released. Ann got five skips on the next one. They skipped a few more then kept walking. One rocky point jutted out into the water a little. They clambered out and stood listening to the soft lap of the water against the rocks.

"This is beautiful," Emily breathed. "Caroline would have loved to paint this." She looked at Ann in the moonlight. "This is the first time I've spoken about her since she died. I'm not sure why I can talk about her to you."

"Maybe it's just that you're finally healing a little," Ann suggested. "Four years is a long time to mourn someone, Emily, but I don't think you've even allowed yourself to mourn. Did you get to attend her funeral?"

Emily shook her head. "I couldn't risk another confrontation with her family. I didn't want her funeral to be marred by something like that."

"Her parents must have known how important your relationship was to her."

"No!" Emily exclaimed. "She would never tell them, but they guessed. I think they resented me from the beginning. She said they would never understand, and she didn't want to hurt them."

"Even at the risk of hurting you?" Ann was incredulous that people could hide something so important from the very people who should know them best. "Did the two of you not set up power of attorney to protect each other in case something happened?"

"I know she never thought they would act like they did," Emily said, shaking her head.

"Does your family know?" Ann was curious.

Emily paused before answering. "Caroline made me promise not to tell them. She was afraid they would react angrily and call her parents." Emily looked out at the lake. "My family is very reserved. My parents didn't ask prying questions, probably because they didn't want to know, but they also never turned it into a choice between Caroline or them. I'm sure they know on some level." She shivered in her light jacket.

"Let's go back," Ann suggested. They walked back to the road and followed it to the inn.

When they got to their room, there were two glasses of chilled chablis waiting.

"I'm not sure you even like wine," Ann explained, "but I thought it might help relax us before bed."

"I do like wine," Emily smiled, and shook her head. "I can't believe all that you've done. You have been so kind."

Ann came over and gave Emily a hug. Emily hugged her back, holding her tightly. She was astonished at Ann's openness. She wasn't afraid that Emily would misinterpret her touch. It was so rare to find someone this guileless. She released Ann reluctantly. It felt so good to be touched, just physical contact with someone who cared about her and didn't want or expect anything. She hadn't been held or touched by anyone for four years.

They sat side by side on one of the beds, pillows propped against the headboard. Sipping their wine, they talked about growing up, school, and friends. At length, their glasses were empty, and they were ready for sleep. They changed and washed up then finally crawled under the covers. Once again, Ann was awakened by a soft sound. She saw Emily standing at the window with moonlight outlining her soft curls. She could hear Emily weeping, not the heartwrenching sobs of yesterday, but a cleansing flow of tears. Ann lay there awhile, letting her cry, and then got up and went to her. She put her arms around her and held her. Emily buried her face in Ann's neck and wept.

When the tears finally stopped, Emily went into the bathroom to blow her nose. When she emerged, she said sheepishly, "You must think all I do is cry."

Ann stated more than asked, "You haven't cried since Caroline died, have you?" Emily looked out the window and didn't answer. "Your emotions can only stay dammed up for so long, Emily, and then they've got to spill over."

"Well the dam has definitely sprung a leak," Emily replied with a sad smile.

"Do you think you can sleep now?" Ann asked.

Emily smiled. "I think so." She climbed back into her bed. "Good night."

Sunday morning they slept late. After showering and packing their small bag, they went down to enjoy a wonderful breakfast of waffles, bacon, home fries and homemade biscuits. With full stomachs, they got back in the Toyota and began the drive south to Weston.

At one point, during a lull in the conversation, Ann tentatively asked, "Emily, back in Virginia, didn't you have any friends, any support to help you get through everything that happened?"