Looking Through Windows (10 page)

"I feel great," Ann said, her speech a little slurred. "These drugs are wonderful."

The nurse laughed. "Wait until tomorrow."

Ann reached for Emily's hand and held it tightly. The nurse left to write something in Ann's chart. "Thank you for being here," she said.

"It feels good to be here for you for a change," Emily said tenderly. "I'll call your parents when they take you to your room. Is there anything you'd like me to bring back for you?"

"Maybe my robe?"

The nurse came back over. "Ready to go upstairs?"

"Getting rid of me already?" Ann joked.

"I've got a crossword puzzle waiting," the nurse teased back. "She'll be in room 214," she said to Emily.

"All right." She released Ann's hand. "I'll go call your parents and pick up a few things for you."

Emily drove over to Ann's apartment. She dialed the number Ann had given her. Katharine answered on the first ring. "Hello, Emily?" she asked anxiously.

"Yes," Emily replied.

"How is she?" Owen's voice came over the other extension.

"She's fine. I left her as they were getting ready to move her out of the recovery room. Her room number is 214." She gave them the hospital's number. "The doctor had to put a plate and screws in her ankle," she explained. She related what the doctor had said about Ann's having to use crutches for a while. They asked Emily to call if anything happened and said they would call Ann tomorrow.

"And Emily?" Katharine added, "Thank you for taking care of her."

Emily stood there for a long while after hanging up. There was a confused jumble of emotions almost making her sick: relief that Ann was all right, her continued grief for Caroline, guilt over her feelings for Ann, the leftover apprehension that Ann's parents would lash out at her. She shook herself, and went to gather the things she thought Ann would need. She had brought Ann's suitcase in from the car, and removed the clothes from the weekend, replacing them with sweatpants, sweatshirts, clean underwear and a robe and slippers. Ann's bathroom items she left in the bag.

When she was done, she drove to the Gundlach house. She explained to Mr. and Mrs. Gundlach what had happened. "I'll probably go stay at her apartment for a couple days when they release her from the hospital," she said, not at all certain she'd be welcome or needed.

"You'll do nothing of the sort!" Mrs. Gundlach puffed. "You bring Ann here, and we'll help take care of her, right, Papa?"

"Absolutely, Miss Emily," he agreed, his blue eyes crinkling in a smile. "What would she do all day while you're teaching? Mama and I can look after her."

"You are too kind," Emily said, hugging both of them.

She returned to the hospital and found Ann settled in her room. She entered quietly and saw that Ann was sleeping. She set the suitcase down, and pulled a chair up close to the bed. She sat there, watching Ann sleep. She noted Ann's long, dark lashes, her fine eyebrows, the curve of her lips. Ann's hand was lying on the pillow; Emily tentatively reached out and lightly touched Ann's long, graceful fingers. She had no idea how long she had sat there when Ann stirred and opened her eyes.

"Hi," Emily said, leaning forward.

"How long have you been here?" Ann asked groggily.

"I'm not sure," Emily smiled. "I brought your robe and a few other things.  I spoke with your parents. They'll call you tomorrow. Can I get you anything?"

"I'm really thirsty," Ann said.

Emily noticed a cup of ice water with a straw on the bedside table. She slid her hand under Ann's shoulders and helped her sit up enough to take a few sips. When Ann lay back, Emily returned the cup to the table and resumed her vigil.

"Did you get anything to eat?" Ann asked.

Emily's eyes widened. "I hadn't thought about it," she said. "Imagine me too preoccupied to think about food." Ann smiled.

"I want you to go get some food," Ann insisted. "And it must be late. You've got to teach tomorrow, so go home. All I'm going to do is sleep," she finished with a yawn.

"All right," Emily agreed, "I'll go." She pulled the table out so Ann could reach the water. When she turned to ask her if there was anything else she needed, she saw that Ann's eyes had closed. She leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. "Sleep tight," she whispered.

Chapter 15

E
mily left the house early so she could stop by the hospital before going to campus. She found Ann sitting up, eating breakfast. "Don't get used to this kind of treatment," she said with a wry smile.

"You mean you wouldn't bring me breakfast in bed?" Ann grinned.

"Maybe," Emily shrugged, "if you'll settle for cold cereal. How'd you sleep?"

"Like a log. I don't remember the nurses coming in. I vaguely remember you coming back last night."

"Gosh, if I'd known your memory would be this fuzzy, I'd have taken advantage of the situation somehow," Emily teased.

"You don't have it in you to take advantage of anyone," Ann stated matter-of-factly.

Emily decided to change the subject. "Do you remember my telling you that I spoke with your parents and that they'll call you today?"

Ann laughed. "No. Did we have that much conversation?"

Dr. Waterson came in with a nurse. "Well, how are you feeling?" she asked as she pulled the sheet off Ann's foot and checked the dressing.

"I feel fine," Ann replied.

"Good, we'll get a physical therapist up here to teach you how to use crutches.   You can be discharged this afternoon if there are no problems." Dr. Waterson spoke as she wrote in the chart. "I'll have an office appointment set up in one week."

After they left, Emily told Ann about the Gundlachs' offer. As she anticipated, Ann tried to argue. She interrupted by saying, "You seem to forget that you can't drive, so I'm in control." She sat down, and her tone became serious. "Look, it really is sensible. It's going to be at least a couple days before you can go back to classes. There's no reason for you to be alone in your apartment all day. Please say you'll agree to this."

Ann looked at Emily's earnest expression. She realized that what she was proposing made sense. "All right," she smiled. "Please tell Mr. and Mrs. Gundlach how grateful I am."

They made plans for Emily to return after her afternoon class to pick Ann up. She tried to concentrate on her work, but found her thoughts wandering to Ann; was she up yet? how was she feeling? When her French class was over, she packed her books, and drove back to the hospital. She drove her Honda, thinking the lower vehicle would be easier for Ann to get in and out of.

When she got up to the room, she found Ann already dressed in her sweats, foot bandaged, crutches in her hand as she sat on the edge of the bed. Emily laughed. "Are we a little anxious to get out of here?"

"You have no idea," Ann said. "I've been poked and prodded; I've had things drawn out of me, injected into me. They've been measuring everything," she said meaningfully, glancing at the bedside commode. Emily broke into fresh laughter.

The nurse came in, and said, "You got your getaway car all lined up?" She had Ann get into a wheelchair. Emily gathered up Ann's belongings. While Ann filled out her final paperwork, Emily brought the car up to the door. Ann got up from the wheelchair, and hopped on her crutches to the car.

They stopped by Ann's apartment first so she could pick up more clothes. She also got her textbooks and notes. As they drove to the Gundlach house, Emily said, "You do realize it will be Mrs. Gundlach's mission to fatten you up while you recuperate."

"Why do you think I packed so many pairs of elastic-waist sweat pants?" Ann smiled. "I might as well take advantage of her wonderful cooking."

As soon as they pulled up, Mr. and Mrs. Gundlach came out to meet them. "How are you feeling, Miss Ann?" Mr. Gundlach asked solicitously as he gathered Ann's suitcase and book bag.

"Actually, it feels great," Ann said. "My ankle hasn't hurt at all."

She hopped up the walk, obeying orders not to put any weight on the ankle. In the house, she was settled onto the sofa in the living room, Greta lying down at her feet. The others had no sooner left the room than she was up, hopping into the kitchen. Greta barked as if tattling on her.

"Mrs. Gundlach, I'll go nuts if I have to sit around anymore," she pleaded. "Please give me something to do."

When Emily and Mr. Gundlach came back downstairs, they found Ann seated at the kitchen table with her foot propped up, happily humming as she peeled potatoes. Emily went out to help Mr. Gundlach feed the animals. The cattle and horses were brought into the newly painted barn each evening now that it was really cold at night.

When they came back in, the kitchen held the wonderful aroma of roasting chicken and boiling potatoes. While Mrs. Gundlach finished dinner, Mr. Gundlach built a fire in the kitchen fireplace. Emily set the kitchen table, and helped Mrs. Gundlach place the large dishes of chicken, mashed potatoes and carrots on the table. There was a loaf of bread baked that morning. They all ate and talked and laughed. Ann and Emily told of their sledding adventure with Ann's parents over the weekend.

Ann loved seeing Emily laugh freely. Her cheeks were filling out, and there was a fire in her eyes again, which Ann found captivating. She watched Emily's gestures as she talked with her hands. She felt as if she were witnessing the emergence of a new life from a cocoon.

After dinner, everyone but Ann pitched in with the dishes, and then Mr. and Mrs. Gundlach went into the living room to watch television while Ann and Emily stayed in the kitchen. Night had fallen, and there was still a light layer of snow on the ground. Emily put another log on the fire and turned off the kitchen lights.

 They sat in silence, looking out the window with the fire crackling and popping merrily as it warmed their backs.

"I feel like a wish is coming true," Ann said softly.

"I remember," Emily smiled. "All we need are deer."

"Emily?"  Ann looked down at her hands, "would you mind if I ask you some personal questions?"

Emily stiffened a bit. She wasn't sure where this was coming from. "No, but I reserve the right not to answer," she replied jokingly.

Ann smiled and looked at Emily. Emily swallowed hard. It was difficult to breathe with Ann's blue eyes focused so intently on her.

"If you've never been with a man, how can you know you wouldn't be happy with one?"

Emily considered for a moment. "When I was in high school, I read a book titled 'Rubyfruit
Jungle,' by Rita Mae Brown. In the book, a gay woman was trying to explain to a straight woman the difference between making love with a man and with a woman. She said it was like the difference between a pair of roller skates and a Ferrari."

Ann laughed and Emily smiled. "I hadn't had a sexual relationship yet at that point in my life, but I figured I didn't have to try roller skates when I knew it was a Ferrari I wanted." This brought fresh laughter from Ann. Emily's tone got more serious. "I'm not saying it's impossible for me to fall in love with a man, I've just never met one whom I felt completely comfortable opening up to. And I can't imagine being in a relationship where I'm not understood on a deep, nonverbal, emotional level."

She watched Ann looking out the window, thinking about what she had said. The pale light reflecting off the snow highlighted Ann's perfect profile. Emily felt a strong urge to reach out and touch Ann's hair, an urge she promptly squelched.

"I think I can understand what you're saying," Ann said thoughtfully. "But I think there are some people who would feel stifled if they were around someone who knew them that well."

"Which kind are you?" Emily clamped her mouth shut, but it was too late. She couldn't believe that question had come out of her mouth.

Ann looked at her again with that intense gaze that Emily found she couldn't meet. She diverted her eyes to the scene outside. Her heartbeat felt as if it were as loud as a drum.

"I used to be able to answer that question," Ann said. "I never really wanted to open myself completely to the men I dated. It seemed more comfortable to hold something back. I figured that would change when the right man came along."

"And now?" Emily whispered, tracing the wood grain pattern of the table top with her fingers.

"Now I'm not sure about anything.  I have felt closer to you than I ever have to anyone."

"A lot of our time together has been pretty emotional, with my situation." Emily offered a way out.

"Yes, but," Ann didn't take it, "it's much more than that." Ann took a deep breath. "Emily, I've never had a gay friend. I've never been attracted to a woman. But I find myself drawn to you." She lifted a hand as if to ward off a comment, but Emily was silent. "I know that you're still in love with Caroline and dealing with her death, and I'm not trying to flatter myself that just because you're gay you would automatically be attracted to me.  I can't even tell you exactly what I am feeling. I don't know if it's…" she paused, and closed her eyes. "I would never want to hurt you," she murmured.

There was a moment of silence, then, "Ann, I don't think I've ever known anyone as honest as you are," Emily said in amazement. "I don't think you're capable of deceit, and that's what usually leads to hurtful situations."