Kissing Fire (25 page)

“No, Melissa. I don’t think we have any instructors
by those names. But I’m gonna be there with you.”

“Oh yeah? You’re not going to try to move in on
Griffin or Marley are you?”

“Huh uh. Don’t you worry about that. I’m done with
the man plan, remember?”

“Oh yeah. Sorry.” She reached over and gave me a
head nuggie.

“Ouch! That hurt.”

“Damn girl. I’m going to have to toughen you up. You
have turned into the biggest wimp I’ve ever seen.”

We drove back to my super sized studio apartment and
parked in my spot in the garage. We still had a two block walk to
get there, since you couldn’t drive in the village. I explained
that to Melissa, telling her to use the wheels on her bag.

“Ah, don’t worry about that. I’ll just carry the
little sucker.” She hefted that huge bag over her head and walked
like she had a feather up there.

Shaking my head at her, I laughed. “You kill
me.”

“Wait till you see my moves on skis.”

“What do you mean? I didn’t think you knew how to
ski.”

“Well, I don’t. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going
to learn any.”

“Um Melissa, you’re only skiing for three days.”

“Yeah, and by the end of day two, I’ll be killing it
girl. You just wait. Didn’t I tell you? I’m one hell of an
athlete.”

********

That night we grabbed some dinner and went home to
drink. She had to have all the details about Preston. There were
only so many I could tell her without blowing his whole cover and
that of Caroline’s, so I gave her the sketchy version and told her
how he’d manufactured a story to save my life. It wasn’t altogether
false, but I’d told her the lie to protect everyone.

“Well, let me go and find him and I’ll put him in a
chokehold he’ll never forget.”

“No, you can’t do that. Besides, I don’t know where
he is.”

“You mean he didn’t come after you?”

“No, I told him not to. Then Justin came and told me
I needed to call him, but honestly, I needed some time. I wanted to
get past some of this, but God, Melissa, I don’t think I ever
will.”

“That bad, huh?”

“Worse than bad. It’s like having your guts ripped
right out of you while you’re watching and then someone comes and
pours acid all over them. It’s the worst thing ever.”

Melissa made an awful face. “Maybe I don’t want to
catch a man then.”

“Well, if you ever do, make sure nothing happens to
that love. I swear if it does, you’ll rue the day you ever fell in
love. I never knew anything could hurt like this.”

“Okay, so enough talk about that
jackass for hurting you. But if I ever meet him Ava, I’m putting
him in one of my famous headlocks, whether you approve or
not.”

“Okay Melissa. You can do that.” I smiled.

“Well, in the meantime, and since you are currently
sans man, I have a present for you.”

I squinted my eyes at her. The last time she’d given
me a present, I’d nearly ended up at Guantanamo Bay, imprisoned as
a terrorist. “Okay, what is it this time?” I questioned her.

“Oh Ava, you’re gonna love this!” she gushed.

Moving with the swiftness that defied anything I’d
seen, Melissa tore open her giant wheelie bag and pulled out this
wrapped box.

“Oh yeah. I see you didn’t try to carry that thing
on, did you?”

“Not after hearing what they did to you. I wasn’t
gonna take that chance. Here,” she said, handing me a rather large
box.

I took a deep breath and took the plunge. What I
pulled out of that box, shocked me even more than that giant wand
had. It was another wand, but it also had all sort of other things
in there too. I recognized the usual, such as the penis shaped
vibrator, but there were strange looking things I had no idea of
what they might possibly be.

“What the hell is all this stuff?”

“Oh, well, that one is a rabbit and you see those
little ears there?”

I looked closely at the thing and sure enough, it
not only had ears, but a tiny nose to go along with it.

“Holy Toledo!”

“Yeah, baby. You’re gonna love those ears.”

“What about the nose?”

“The nose?”

“It has a nose too.”

“Let me see that thing.”

She grabbed it so fast from me I barely had a chance
to register her hands moving.

“Well, damn. I don’t think mine has a nose. I think
mine’s defective. Hey, check out the other stuff too.”

That box scared me. I mean, what was I going to do
with it all? I could probably open up a sex toy store with all the
crap that was in that box.

“Melissa, what are these things?”

“Oh, those are vibrating balls.”

What the hell? “What do I do with them? Play ping
pong?

“Christ Ava. Are you really that naive?”

“Well yeah. I guess I am.”

“Jesus, I’m gonna buy you a book. No make that a
dozen. Bring me your computer. I’m going online to order you some
right now. You need an education.”

Damned if she didn’t do that too. By the time
Melissa was done with me, I would be the knower of all things...at
least where those sex doohickeys were concerned. A lot of good that
would do me though. On second thought, at least I might start
getting some sleep at night. I started to laugh.

“What’s so funny?” she wanted to know.

Sharing my little joke with her, we both got to
laughing. Then she made this mischievous face and her eyes began to
dance.

“Uh oh. What are you up to?”

“Do you have any Sharpies?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Just let me have one.”

I handed her a royal blue one,
which was the only one I owned. She picked up the biggest vibrator
in the package, which was neon pink and shaped like a giant penis,
and started to write something near the bottom. Then she handed it
back to me. I looked at it and cried out, “Holy hell Melissa!” Then
I dissolved into fits of hysteria. On the bottom of the damn thing
she had written the word Preston.

“Now you can pretend.”

We both laughed so hard our sides ached. When we
finally calmed down enough to have a conversation, she wanted to
know all about the next day, so I told her. As we kept drinking, we
got louder and louder. Suddenly there was a loud bang on my front
door so I went to answer. It was the neighbor, complaining of the
noise we were making. I promised we’d take it down a notch. When I
got back to the living room, Melissa was pouring us a round of
Lemon Drop Shooters.

Oh great, just what I needed!

She promised we’d be quieter, but the neighbor came
back three more times that night. On his last visit, Melissa
answered the door and after a brief look at her, he scurried back
across the hall and we never heard another peep out of him.

In the morning, we both woke up with hammers beating
against our skulls. I looked at the clock and flew out of bed.

“Oh shit! We’re gonna be late. Your lesson starts in
thirty minutes and we need to get your equipment. Hurry up and get
up and brush your teeth.”

When Melissa rolled off of the blow up mattress, I
thought I would die laughing. Her red frizzy hair was all mashed
down on one side but the other side had gained the added volume. It
looked like she had stood in a wind tunnel all night long.

“What’s so funny?”

I put on a straight face and said, “Nothing. Get
dressed. We have to leave.”

“But you’re not dressed.”

“Oh yeah.” What the hell was wrong with me? I was
getting ready to charge out the door to go skiing in my pink and
black polka dotted pajamas. Not bothering to take off my pajama
bottoms, I pulled on my ski pants and socks. After that, I tossed
on a bra and a shirt and another one just in case it was cold. I
grabbed my helmet and goggles.

I yelled at Melissa, “Are you ready? Hurry up!”

I glanced over at her and she was rolling around on
the blow up mattress struggling to get into her ski pants that were
brightly colored fuchsia and stretchy. Apparently, they weren’t
stretchy enough.

“I can’t seem to get into these. They fit when I
bought them last week. Do you think the altitude has inflated
me?”

“Well, I suppose that’s possible,”
I grimaced. I didn’t think it was. I thought it was more likely due
to the Ben and Jerry’s.

“I thought so because I’ve been
quite bloated and gassy since I’ve been here.”

Good lord! Just what I need
now!

“Can I help?”

“Yeah, how about get behind me and tug a bit.”

“Um, okay.”

I sat behind her on the blow up and tried to
squiggle around so that I could get a good grip on the waist band
of her pants. “You’re gonna have to scoot up a bit because I can’t
reach the waist.”

“Okay.” She scooted and I squirmed. Just a bit more
and I’d be there. Finally the waist was in reach and I grabbed it
with my hands and pulled. She screeched and I yelled.

“What the hell’s the matter with you?” I asked.

“They’re tight!”

“Don’t be a wimp, damn it. Now come on. One a count
of three. One, two, three, pull,” I yelled.

“Ugghrddppp.”

All of a sudden, a giant exploding noise ripped
through my apartment, rattling the windows. Melissa flew backwards
and landed on me, squashing me. I was suffocating. I shoved her
with my hands, ineffectively pushing her away from me.

“Mmewissa, gettoffame,” I tried to scream.

Another huge ripping noise erupted out of her and
she heaved a huge sigh.

“Ahh, I feel so much better now.”

Of all the...please to God tell me
she did not just pass gas on me.

She finally rolled over, stood and pulled up her
pants with ease. “There, they fit perfectly now. See?” She offered
me her hand and yanked me to my feet. “Well, what are you waiting
for?”

My tongue was lodged somewhere between my stomach
and knees. I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to speak again.
Her hand hit the middle of my back and gave me a shove. “Aren’t you
going to put on a jacket?”

Turning around I punched her in the arm. “If you
ever do that to me again, I swear to God I’ll kill you.”

The utter look of horror on her face should’ve made
me laugh, but I was still too appalled to do anything.

“I couldn’t help it. I was in agony. You heard it.
You know it was bad. You should’ve told me this altitude causes
gas.”

“Oh hell Melissa, let’s just go.” The thought of it
made me shudder.

I grabbed my jacket and she put her bright fuchsia
one on. What a sight we made. She looked like a flower that had
been caught in a nuclear explosion and I didn’t even want to know
what I looked like. It had to have been awful.

We made it to the ski school with Griffin and Marley
waiting on us. When they saw Melissa, they both turned a sickly
shade of gray. I pulled them both aside and promised them lots of
stuff. Drinks, food, tips, I think I even told them I would buy
them each a new pair of skis. I wasn’t sure. I was still recovering
from Melissa’s sonic blasts I had been so rudely exposed to.

Once Griffin and Marley had been comfortably bribed,
they escorted Melissa inside where she was fitted for skis, boots
and a helmet. She, of course, wanted hot pink or red. She ended up
with red, which went horribly with her red hair and fuchsia ski
outfit. Melissa loved it.

We took the gondola up and started out on the green
slopes, but Melissa wasn’t kidding about being an incredible
athlete. She really was. By the end of day one, she was already
skiing the intermediate or blue slopes and doing very well. Griffin
and Marley couldn’t believe it. They would only have to show her
something one time and she would catch on. She had no learning
curve at all. It was a straight line.

After the day on the mountain, we
headed over to Tres Chicas, where I worked, to grab a few chilly
ones. I treated Griffin and Marley too. When Melissa took off her
red helmet, I thought Griffin’s and Marley’s eyes were going to
roll out of their heads. Her red curly hair had been smashed down
all day by her helmet so the top part lay close to her head. The
rest of it frizzed out and made a huge ring around her head, much
like Bozo the Clown. I tried my best to get Griffin and Marley to
stop staring at her, but it didn’t work. Melissa just thought they
were smitten with her.

“It’s my athleticism,” she leaned over and whispered
to me.

“I think you’re right,” I whispered back. I kept
jerking my head and the two guys, but they were lost in the giant
rim of red fuzz. I cringed when I saw Griffin’s hand reach out and
grab and chunk of it and just squeeze.

“You like that, don’t you?” Melissa hummed.

“Yeah, I do,” he answered as he licked his lips.

Oh my God. I don’t believe this.

“You ought to see it when I’ve just fixed it. It’s
really something. Isn’t it Ava?”

“Oh yeah. It’s something all right.”

The next thing I knew, Marley’s hand was reaching
out too. Who were these guys? Who even liked that kind of hair?

“So,” Melissa started out, her voice low and husky,
“what’s it gonna be for dinner tonight boys?”

Oh shit!

“Ahblabtisy...”

The dudes couldn’t even talk. Now I was beginning to
feel like the third...no make that the fourth wheel.

“Well, I’m up for whatever you boys want to do,” she
winked.

Holy ever lovin' shit!

“Um, okay, Melissa, maybe I need to leave you three
alone.”

“What? No way. You’re coming with us tonight.”

“Not if it’s where I think you all are headed.”

“Dinner?”

“I’ll do dinner, but that’s it.”

“Oh, I got you. Don’t worry, Ava.”

Since I had that foot in the door, I said, “So where
do you all want to eat. We could stay here and eat if you
want.”