Kissing Fire (22 page)

It was six in the morning when I hit the buzzer on
Caroline’s gate. It took a few minutes for anyone to answer, but I
eventually heard Justin’s voice right before the gate slid
open.

One look at my hand and he had me in his car on the
way to the hospital to get fixed up.

“What the hell were you thinking?”

“I wasn’t,” I answered. “I fucked up bad Justin. I
... oh hell.” I couldn’t stop my leg from bouncing up and down.

“You gonna tell me about it? I know it has to do
with Ava.”

“Has she called?” I almost jumped right out of my
seat and straight into his.

“No! And calm your ass down right now. What the hell
happened between the two of you?”

“Oh God. I ruined everything. Everything. Cuz I’m so
damned selfish and stupid.”

“Is that why your hand is smashed?”

“You might say.”

“Can you walk?” he asked as he pulled into the
doctor’s parking lot.

“Yeah.” I got out and followed him inside. He led me
straight to X-ray where they confirmed that my hand was crunched
up.

They had to do surgery to repair all the damage.

“You gonna do it?” I asked him.

“Huh uh, I’m sitting this one out. We don’t usually
work on family. You’ll have one of my team though.”

It all happened so fast. One minute we were talking
and the next I was being wheeled into surgery. It was a relatively
quick repair and nothing too dramatic, or so they said.

My hand hurt like hell for a couple of weeks, but
then it began to ease off. The thing about it was the pain in my
hand temporarily kept my mind off the anguish in my heart. As soon
as it started getting better, that crushing agony hit me again and
I wanted to fucking die.

********

We were sitting at the bar in the kitchen when she
popped the question I’d been dreading. “So, are you ever gonna tell
us what happened?” Caroline asked me.

For whatever reason, ever since Avery left, my legs
couldn’t stop pumping up and down whenever I sat. It was a constant
motion thing with me. “I can’t talk about it yet.” Up and down, up
and down, up and down.

Caroline reached out a hand and put it on my leg.
“Preston, I’ve never seen you like this.”

“That’s because I’ve never been like this. I’m so
fucking empty inside. Do you remember when you died as Terri? And
you thought you’d never see Justin again?”

She blew out her breath and said, “How can I ever
forget that?”

“That’s how I must feel now.”

“Oh God, Preston. What the hell happened? Let me
help you.”

“I lied to her...for weeks. I never told her we were
safe. I led her to believe we were still in danger. She knows
everything about us...that you’re really my sister and what
actually happened back in Charleston. But I fell in love with her
and I was so afraid of losing her that I lied and lived that lie
for so long. And then it became nearly impossible to tell her the
truth. I don’t know what I was thinking. I didn’t think...I don’t
know. Ugh!” I grabbed a handful of my hair and just pulled on
it.

“Jesus. So now she knows and has lost all faith in
you.”

“Yes! I hurt her. Christ Caroline, you should’ve
seen her face when I told her the truth. It was like I turned off
all the lights in her soul. Everything just dimmed. That sparkle in
her eyes...it kills me to even think about it.”

“Have you tried to talk to her?”

I gave her a look that spoke way more than anything
I could’ve said.

“Yeah, right. Okay, stupid question.”

“I’ve lost her and now I don’t give a fuck about
what happens to me. She was the only thing that ever really meant
anything to me. She accepted me for all that I was and all that I
am. And what did I do? I lied and destroyed her trust in me.”

Caroline was silent for a few minutes. “You’ll have
to earn it back.”

“Seriously. You did not see her face. It ain’t gonna
happen.”

“So, where did she go?”

I actually chuckled a little. “She pulled a fast one
on me at the airport and hopped out of the car so I couldn’t follow
her. I don’t know where she is.”

“Oh come on Preston. How hard would it be for you to
find her?”

“Not very.”

“Then do it.”

“No. I can’t do that to her. She knows how to find
me if she wants. Through you. I won’t intrude where I’m not
wanted.”

She narrowed her eyes and said, “Then you’re the
biggest dumbass I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

I stared back at her, not having an
adequate response. I already knew that, but not for the reason she
was telling me.

“Well?” she asked.

“I can’t disagree.”

“Idiot. You’re missing the point.”

She got up and poured herself another cup of coffee.
“You want another one?”

I shook my head. The last thing I needed was more
caffeine. I was so damn jittery as it was, adding to it wouldn’t
help me a bit.

Caroline sat back down and looked at me. “Do you
remember when I thought I’d lost Justin forever?”

“Yeah.”

“I fell in that black hole and let it consume me for
months. When I finally resurfaced and things began to brighten
again, I realized there weren’t many things in my life that were
important when I compared it to loving someone. When I went into
the witness protection program, I knew it was all for the right
reasons. You did it because you had no other choice. But there were
times when I thought if Justin’s life hadn’t been in danger, I
would gladly have died than go through life without him. Keeping
him safe though, was number one. That’s how I made it through. I
never thought I’d end up with him Preston. You know that. When I
left to go and say my final good bye to him, I thought I would
eventually end up somewhere on the West coast, living day to day
and growing old alone. What I’m telling you is that you are the
biggest fool around if you think you can just walk away and let her
go. If you love her like I think you do, you better get off your
ass and find her. Do whatever it takes to win her back. Even if it
takes years. Wouldn’t it be worth it? Prove to her that you’re
really not a shit. It won’t be easy. You’ll have to do some serious
groveling, I’m sure. But damn it Preston, isn’t she worth it?”

“Caroline, I would give everything I have to be able
to look into her eyes once again, and not see that God awful pain
radiating out from them. Of course she’s worth it. I’m calling Pete
and quitting my job. This DEA shit has ruined my life. Literally.
And not only mine but yours, Justin’s, Mom’s and...” I put my head
in my hands and groaned.

Caroline put her hand on my back and I flinched.

“I’m sorry. I forgot Preston,” she said as she
quickly withdrew her hand.

“You know something? She could touch me Caroline.
Everywhere. And I didn’t react like that. And I told her
everything. All the nasty, despicable details. Things you can’t
possibly imagine. And she still accepted me as is. With all my
tragically fucked up flaws.”

“We all have flaws, Preston.”

“Not the kind like I have.” I rose to my feet.

“So, what are your plans?”

“I need to get this hand taken care of and then I
guess I have a girl I am going to do my best to win back.”

********

Pete Kowalski looked at me like there was another
head sitting on my shoulders.

“It doesn’t work that way and you know it.”

“I don’t care how it works Pete. I’m out.”

“You can’t just quit.”

“Watch me. This whole thing has been an abomination
from the start. It’s ruined everything in my life and most of what
I’ve touched. It’s like a fucking cancer that’s spread and now it’s
gotten to the point where I can’t even carry on a normal
relationship. I’ve fucked everything up to the point of no return
and I’ve had it. I’m out.”

Pete expelled a long breath. “Look, buddy, you know
how it is. You’ve known since the beginning.”

“Yeah, and I’ve finally reached my limit. I’m
done.”

“You’re never done. You
know
that,” he said, his
voice laced with exasperation. “The baddies will always find you
man, and then what will you do? You’ll be out and on your own with
no one to protect you.”

“I can take care of myself.”

“Preston, listen to me man. It. Doesn’t. Work. That.
Way!”

He was right. I knew it, but I didn’t want to accept
it. I wanted normal. Now. I wanted Avery. Now. I wanted everything
that was impossibly out of my reach.

“Fuck!” I yelled. “So now what? I want off of
everything. I want loose. I don’t want this life anymore.”

“Okay, I got that. We can make arrangements. But
here’s the thing. They know who you are. It scares me to have you
out there on your own. You need to have protection, man. You know
I’m right.”

“I need a leave of absence.” I stood up and walked
over to the window. I was at EPIC, El Paso Intelligence Center,
where all the DEA intelligence activities took place. I’d flown in
last night and requested a meeting with Pete and his superiors.
Pete talked me out of it and suggested that he and I have a chat
first. That’s what we were doing right now.

“You gonna tell me what all this is about? I mean,
Preston, you and I go way back and I’ve never seen you like
this.”

So I spilled my guts to him. We were great friends
and had been for almost the whole time I’d worked for the DEA. We
met in training and kept getting assigned to the same teams. Then I
went off the grid undercover and Pete led my team from the inside.
He was A number one and I trusted him.

He squeezed my shoulder when I was
done talking.

“So Preston, you know that relationships and this
kind of work don’t really go hand in hand, right?”

I gave him a withering look.

“Okay! Okay. Look, you’ve also said you’ve blown it
with her, right?”

“Are you trying to piss me off or what?”

“I’m trying to make you see the error of what you’re
attempting here.”

“Pete, what I’m attempting is to try to live the
next half of my life as normal as possible. For the last thirteen
years, I’ve lived on the streets, dodged bullets, acted like I was
a heroin addict, been to prison, been raped dozens of times...” I
stopped at the look on Pete’s face. I didn’t say anything for a few
minutes and then I felt a rage exploding within me. “What? Did you
think I was in fucking Maui having a jolly vacation or something?
Let me show you a thing or two.”

I pulled up my shirt and he saw my tattoo of “No
One’s.” Then I unbuttoned my jeans and slid them down my hips a bit
so he could see the word “Slave.” I didn’t give him long to process
it before I turned around and lifted my shirt so he could see all
the tattoos. “See all these? You need to take a closer look. They
cover up what was done to me in there. You see, you guys have some
misconception that I came out unscathed. Think again buddy. Not
only am I scarred on the outside, but you can’t imagine how fucked
up I am in here.” I tapped my temple for emphasis.

He only stared at me for a few moments and when he
tried to speak, his voice was raw with emotion. “I didn’t
know.”

“Did you ever bother to ask?” My question was posed
in a whisper. “I spent more time in the infirmary than I care to
recollect. Thing about it is, I knew when I was in there, I’d have
even more hell waiting for me when I was returned to my cell.”

“Fuck.”

“You got that part right. But not where you’d want
it. Sorry I’m being so crude, but it’s the damn truth. Now, what do
you propose for me? I want out of this nightmare of a circus I’m
in.”

“Let’s work on that leave of absence. How long and
you know I’ll need to have someone around you, or nearby
anyway.”

“A year. I need to find Avery and then win her back.
After that, I’m out. And I’m serious Pete. Unless you guys can
promise me a nine to five, I’m out.”

“Who are you trying to fool? You? Behind a desk?
Nine to five? As if.”

“I’ll do anything if I get her back, but I won’t be
undercover any more, risking her life or mine. You got that? And if
something can’t be worked out to please her, I’ll fucking quit. I
don’t need the money. You ought to know that.”

“I’ll do what I can.”

“No, Pete. It’s this or I walk today. I’ll be in the
wind and you’ll never find me. You know that.”

“But they will and your body will turn up one
day.”

“You think I care about that? If I don’t have Avery,
that means shit to me.”

“But what if you do have Avery and hers turns up
right along with yours?”

That caught my attention like nothing else. “Okay,
you got me there. Do what you can, but I want at least one year and
no more assignments. Then I’ll decide where and what I’m gonna do
after that.”

********

Before I left EPIC for the day, I headed to the
intel center so I could log into their computer system. I had top
level clearance, so it would give me access to all airline
manifests. It didn’t take long to track where Avery landed.
Following her credit card trail was easy. Every charge she made
popped up on the screen, so I was able to see her movements. Her
final destination had been Vail. That’s what Justin had predicted.
It’s where her love for the mountains began as a five year old, so
he figured she’d go there to soothe her soul.

She must’ve been planning to stay there awhile
because she’d gotten a job and rented an apartment. That eased my
mind a great deal because now I didn’t have to worry about her
wandering around aimlessly without anyone to keep her company.

That night after checking into my hotel, I went for
a long run to try to clear my head. I now had Avery’s cell phone
number. She had an iPhone so it would be easy for me to track her
by GPS. Knowing that was the last thing she wanted of me, I
wouldn’t do that unless I became worried about her. With all this
information I had, it would be exceedingly difficult to stay away,
but I knew I had no other choice.