Kingdom of Lies (Imp Series Book 7) (31 page)

“I hope you know what you’re doing,” Beatrix commented, shaking her head.

I hoped so too.

I
desperately wanted to teleport right into the black van just to see if I could cause a cardiac event, but Gregory refused. He also refused to walk through the crowd with his wings revealed, even though I begged very nicely. Not that it mattered. Every human we passed turned to watch the angel with an expression of bemused awe. Figures. He gets adoration; I get an assault rifle stuffed into my face.

One nice thing about having Gregory with me was that we strolled right past all the armed SWAT dudes. He also opened the van door for me with a wave of his hand.

Show off.

“I’m back,” I announced. The same four people were in the vehicle as before, making me wonder if they ever got breaks. Maybe someone had pizza delivered for them.

I didn’t get the desired heart attacks, so they must have seen us coming through the crowd, or one of the SWAT guys had recovered his composure enough to announce our arrival. What I did get was a whole lot of bugged-out eyeballs and dropped jaws. The priest’s knees hit the van floor with a crack, and he clasped his hands together thanking some deity for answering his prayers.

He wasn’t talking about me, ungrateful asshole. I’m the one who showed up to help them, who got burned to a crisp, who opened up negotiations with a fire-breathing dragon. Me. And Gregory gets the “thank-the-merciful-whatever-you’re-here” routine.

Gregory didn’t help the situation. The angel smiled beatifically then raised one hand like he was parting the Red Sea or something. “This dragon’s presence will not be tolerated here. Rest assured we will rid you of this menace.”

Angels. So. Fucking. Annoying. “Whoa there, John Wayne. Don’t go making promises you can’t keep.” I turned to the three humans who were not kneeling and groveling before the angel. “We’re in negotiations. So far the dragon has agreed to give up the hostages unharmed and return the mummies, Elgin Marbles and all the broken statuary and stuff. We’re working from there.”

“The Sutton Hoo helmet?” Random Woman asked, her voice breathy with worry.

I pointed to Gregory. “He already offered it to the dragon. Sorry.”

Maybe that would change their minds a bit about how glorious the angel was, at least in comparison with me. It did change Random Woman’s opinion. She didn’t exactly shit a brick, but constipated was a good descriptor of the expression on her face.

“Don’t worry,” I patted her on the shoulder. “I’ll see if I can trade it back for the crown jewels or something.”

She didn’t look any happier at that idea. I think she was secretly wishing I’d trade one of the humans for the helmet instead.

“Okay, time for
this
angel to get to work.” I turned to Gregory. “You stay here and discuss vibration patterns with your newest admirer, while I go face a fiery death to help save the human race.”

For additional drama, I teleported from the van, appearing in the ceramics exhibit—far enough away from the dragon that I didn’t startle him.

“Mr. Dragon! I’ve returned with an answer from the angels. There’s one outside, so this back and forth thing shouldn’t drag on for decades. Hopefully anyway. Dealing with angels never seems to be a quick process.”

I didn’t hear a response, but followed the scent of sulfur, carefully making my way through the currency exhibit and into the main entrance area of the museum.

The atrium was a multi-story marble-floored area with wide exits along the edges to the various sections of the museum. At least, I think it was. It had been over a decade since I’d been here, and the dragon appeared to have done some redecorating within the last twenty-four hours. I wasn’t sure whether the chunks of marble and granite littering the floor used to be support columns or were ancient bits from exhibits. I hoped the latter, or the roof would probably come down with a strong gust of wind.

The dragon was curled up in the middle of the giant room, coin, jewelry, gold and gem-encrusted sculptures in little piles around him. I couldn’t see any of the human hostages but assumed they were wedged between the dragon and the back wall.

I’m not particularly skilled when it comes to lying, but I was hoping I’d improved because this was going to be a whopper.

“The angels say you can have everything in this museum including the humans but you need to go back to your home within the next two hours and never return.”

I ducked behind a pillar to avoid the burst of fire that came my way. There was a muffled sound of humans screaming, and I realized they were somewhere behind the dragon. Shit, I hoped he wasn’t sitting on them.

“Unacceptable! There’s no way I can move all this in two hours. It would take me nearly that long to fly back to the gate I arrived through, let alone transport all of my treasure.”

I snuck a quick glance out from behind the pillar. “Actually, the angels closed that gate already.”

There was more fire, although this burst was smaller. “How do they expect me to return? This is ridiculous. There’s no way I can continue to negotiate with these angels.”

“Now, now.” I came out from my shelter, hoping he was done with the flamethrowing. “No one expects you to accept the first few offers on the table. I’ll help you regroup and make a counter offer. Eventually we’ll come to a position that is mutually satisfactory.”

The dragon scowled, black and grey smoke billowing from his nostrils. “Fine. The angels provide me with a gate. I take all the goods in the museum as well as the structure itself, and the humans. But I get to come back every century for a twenty-four-hour raid.”

I knew Gregory would never go for it but found myself wondering how he was expected to move an entire building across dimensions. Ripping it from the foundations was bound to cause serious structural damage. I doubt the dragon would actually want it given the condition after transport.

“Okay. I’ll convey your offer. Oh, I almost forgot—they mentioned they particularly want the Sutton Hoo helmet back.” That should score me some points with Random Woman. I get the feeling she was more concerned about the contents of the museum than the hostages.

“That nasty old helmet? Why would they want such a thing? It’s rusted and damaged. It’s not at all attractive. Maybe if the whole thing were gold, and it had some emeralds and rubies on it, it would be worth keeping.” The dragon waved a clawed leg. “They can have it. And the dead humans too. I don’t want those things.”

As expected, Gregory was not happy. Surprisingly, neither was Random Woman who told me she wanted far more than the mummies and a rusted old helmet to be returned.

“Can you open a gate for the dragon to return home?” I asked the angel, speaking loudly to be heard over his yelling as well as that of the four humans.

“Of course I can. I’m an angel, an archangel. I’m over six-billion years old. I built the gates to Hel; I’m certainly capable of creating a temporary one to send this dragon back.”

I bit my lip to keep from smiling. Gregory was so funny when he was in a snit. “Then what’s the problem? Shove the whole lot through the gateway and be done with it.”

There was a lot more about national treasures, lives lost, a huge freaking hole in the middle of London, blah, blah, blah.

“And there is no way I would ever allow any otherworld being scheduled visits to snatch up human belongings, and probably humans. Cockroach, what were you thinking?”

I smiled, feeling rather smug. “Okay, big guy, what’s your counter offer?”

The angel went on and on regarding what he wanted the dragon to do and not do. I wasn’t listening because I had my own counter offer in mind.

“Great. Be right back.”

This time the dragon was playing with his dinner. He was sprawled out with his chin resting on one clawed hand. Two humans ran frantically across the room, screaming for help. As they started to get out of reach, the dragon would shoot out a hand and drag them back. It reminded me of a cat playing with a mouse—a giant, fire-breathing cat.

I wonder how well the dragon would cope with Destructo Kitty?

“The angels have come up with an offer that I think shows remarkable ingenuity for a race of boring fuddy-duddies.”

The dragon tucked the two humans under his arm and focused his attention on me. “Go on.”

“Evidently, the humans have become great fans of dragons. They want you to stay, even though the angels strongly disagree. They have proposed the museum and all of its contents remain here, and you release the humans you are holding. In return, they will provide you with SPAM as detailed in the earlier offer, and they will also safeguard your treasure from any theft as well as punish any attempts to steal your treasure.”

His eyes narrowed. “What’s the catch?”

“You can only remain here for three months of each year and spend the rest of each year in your dragon homeland. And the humans will be allowed free access to view both your treasure and to pay homage to your glorious self when you are in residence. You don’t get to take any further items or harm any humans.”

“Three months?” He complained. “Three months? And I can’t take any of the treasure home with me? How are the other dragons to know how powerful I am, how much I’ve accumulated on this trip if I cannot show them?”

“We can counter with a few items for you to take with you. Remember, this is a negotiation.”

The dragon ignored me. “Can I trust the humans to safeguard my treasure? I took this museum easily; who is to say another couldn’t do the same in my absence?”

“The angels will assist them. We’ll make sure no other dragon or anyone else makes off with anything in the museum.”

“And I can’t eat them,” the dragon mused. He wasn’t spitting fire anymore and seemed to be genuinely considering the offer. I crossed my fingers and hoped that fate smiled upon me once again.

“No, but you will get SPAM. And think of the humans, lining up for miles around to have the privilege of gazing upon your beauty? Forget the royal family; it’s all going to be about you, baby.”

He pursed his non-lips. “I am intrigued. What do you suggest I choose to take with me when I return home?”

I pulled a five-carat alexandrite from my pocket. “The humans are willing to give you this.”

The dragon caught his breath. “Very large. Nicely cut with excellent clarity. This alexandrite is not from here, though. It has a slightly different color than expected given the geologic makeup of this planet.”

“It’s from Hel. Imagine how impressed the other dragons will be that you have such a beautiful gem from a place they have never been able to gain access to.”

He nodded excitedly. “True.”

“And I’ll throw in one more thing,” I told him, feeling like I was reading an infomercial script. “For no additional cost, I’ll allow you to take a greed demon back with you.”

He scowled. “Why would I want that? No offence, but demons taste horrible, and they are very annoying beyond a few hours of conversation.”

True. Very true. “He’s a
greed
demon. He likes stuff just as much as you dragons do, and he likes to steal it. Imagine, you can have him steal stuff from the other dragons, and if he gets caught, you won’t be to blame. Just turn him loose and watch the fun.”

The dragon tilted his head. “No. I don’t want him. But I’ll take the gem. And I want to choose one other thing to take with me.”

So much for plan B. On to plan C. “Fine. You can pick one other thing to take back home.”

“I choose this.” The dragon pulled a crown from under his belly and plopped it on his head. He looked ridiculous, but who was I to judge? “It has lots of gold and gems. It’s my favorite of all my new treasure.”

I took a good look at the crown and frowned. “Where did you get that? It’s supposed to be in the Tower of London, not in the museum.”

I should know; I’d tried to steal it before.

“I popped by there on my way here. There’s not much of interest there beyond a few suits of armor, but this was amazing.”

I waved a hand. “It’s yours. Take it and the gem back with you, and you can come back in nine months. Do we have a deal?”

The dragon nodded, shifting the crown to a jaunty angle on his head. “Deal.”

I tossed him the gem. “Go ahead and let the humans go, and I’ll go chat with the angel about getting a gateway for you. We’ll re-open one in nine months for you to return.”

The dragon smiled, showing an alarming number of pointy teeth. His tail shifted aside, and thirty-eight humans ran for it.

“The other two under your arm need to go free.” I wagged a finger at the dragon, as if he were a naughty boy.

“Oh, all right.” He lifted his arm and the other two humans ran for the exit.

This time when I popped back into the surveillance van, Gregory was the only one shouting at me. The others were far too relieved to see the hostages unharmed to be angry. Well, except for Random Woman, who kept asking me the condition of various non-fireproof exhibits.

“I’m not the one that’s going to be chasing after a misplaced paperclip.” Gregory glared at me, jabbing that finger into my chest again. “Dragons obsess over every little thing. Yes, he says he only cares about the gold and gems, but the first time they move an exhibit, or the gift shop sells a postcard, he’s going to demand it back.”

“So we move the gift shop outside the museum,” I countered. “It’s the perfect solution. Happy dragon, happy Office of Tourism. What’s not to love?”

“And you offered Avarnak to him? Because foisting that demon on their world is better than killing him?”

“Yes, it is. They’re dragons. They can handle him.”

“It’s a good thing he refused. Were you going to send the dragon off to look for the demon? How were you going to manage this “gift”?”

I pulled out my phone and checked the time. “Avarnak should be here any moment, depending on how bad the rush-hour traffic is. His plane arrived at Heathrow an hour ago.”

Gregory shook his head in disbelief. “How do you know that?”

“It’s a long story. Anyway, plan B failed, so I’m onto plan C.”

“Plan C. I’m terrified to find out what plan C entails.”