Kept (25 page)

I probably would someday … but it wouldn’t be Thorn at my side.

Auntie Yelena came back into the kitchen while my back was turned yet again. Naturally she found me at the sink.

“Don’t your hands ever get dry from washing them so much?”

Yelena knew very well what she was doing. I had washed my hands excessively tonight out of stress, but she didn’t need to be evil and rub my nose in it. Just like Dr. Frank had taught me, I’d tried most of the coping mechanisms: focusing on the task at hand, recognizing
when the repeated activity took place, and most of all, avoiding stressful situations that induced coping behaviors. It was too damn bad that the person who brought on my current compulsive behavior stood right next to me.

“Lotion works wonders on a night like tonight.” See, I could forgive and forget.

“Don’t you worry you won’t do well in the trials if you’re like this?”

“I’m sure I’ll do just fine, if you’re not at the trials riding my ass.” Whoops, I remembered why I
didn’t
forgive her. How unfortunate. I wiped my hands off with a dish towel.

She smirked and folded her arms. I was probably in for it now. “Even if you were half the wolf that everyone in this house is, shouldn’t you be part of the pack? Do you honestly think you can succeed? Don’t let your little victory party give you false confidence.”

With a snort for good measure, she added, “Look at yourself. A perfectly good man like Rex out there isn’t interested in you anymore. Neither is Thorn.”

I gripped the towel instead of biting through the skin on the inside of my mouth. It’d be so easy to march out of the room, away from Yelena, but my mom’s food would be left unattended.

Her voice lowered. “You walk around as if no one notices that you’re
flawed
. You’re alone, with no man and no future. It makes me wonder what you’re still doing here, why you even bother.”

I slowly turned my head to look at her. That mean bitch was dead serious. She meant every vicious word that came out of her mouth.

And that’s what hurt me the most.

“So what if you make it through the trials?” she reasoned. “What will you have after that? You’ll have a
place in the pack, and your family, most certainly. But what else? Do you think anyone would want someone like you?”

I took a step back from the sink, but she closed in like a barracuda that had scented blood.

“The days of dragging you along are over, Natalya. You need to move on, allow this family to rise up again in the ranks.”

I sucked in a breath. Should I be surprised she went there?

“Stop it!” I hissed.

“You think people respect you? They only
pity
you—especially after you lost your belongings in the flood.” Her sinister smile grew. She’d hit me below the belt with a sucker punch. “You think I don’t know what happened to you at the park five years ago when your father tried to pair you with Rex?”

This couldn’t be happening right now.

“Rex told me about your little panic attack. About how you flipped out in front of the pack leader and affected the Stravinsky family’s position among the South Toms River wolves. Do you want to continuously remind us of what you did? Have you ever thought about more than yourself?”

She tapped the counter to drive her point home. “You think about it for the next few days. I know you’ll do the right thing.”

After she left to join the rest of the family in the living room, I had the quietest panic attack I’d ever had. The room spun, but I didn’t move. I thought I’d suffocate, but I didn’t move. My knees buckled, but I didn’t move. Everything that could go wrong went wrong, but I refused to interrupt my family in the other room. I wouldn’t give Yelena the satisfaction of seeing me break down in front of everyone.

My mother didn’t abandon me for long, and since I knew her kitchen well I managed to finish the food. Even after my panic attack. Auntie Yelena knew what she’d done to me was wrong. She had to. My mouth felt sealed with glue for the rest of the night. I didn’t speak unless spoken to—and only when the other person wanted an answer. When anyone asked me if something was wrong, I feigned exhaustion over training. I just had to get through the dinner, and then I’d be able to go hide away at home.

While I ate, my head turned to the side, and a part of me expected to see Aggie there. She’d always been my supporter and best friend. But she was with Will, having a movie night at his place. She’d made a life for herself here, and soon she’d pass me by as well. Wasn’t that what Auntie Yelena said would happen?

Well into dinner, Karey passed Sveta to me. Holding my niece gave me my own moment of peace. I didn’t even care that I had to wash my hands again to hold her. (Even if it was the thirteenth time of the night.) Sveta snuggled next to me. Only an innocent face that looked back at me with love and gripped my finger without prejudice.

But my blissful moment didn’t last long. One of her nymph aunts swept in to take her away after only a few minutes. On any other day I would’ve protested, and thrown a fit, but tonight I’d been beaten down. Why bother when even the nymphs didn’t respect me?

The dinner eventually came to a close. Ever the dutiful daughter, I went to the kitchen and cleaned up. There were endless pots and plates waiting. The dining room table had bits of food ground into the nice tablecloth. Someone had even spilled sauerkraut on the floor and their lazy ass didn’t bother to wipe it up.

The other families had left for the night. Gone was my moment of glory at the victory dinner. None of them
had volunteered their kids for cleanup duty. As I filled a bucket with water, I couldn’t help thinking the obvious: No one complained about the outcast picking up other people’s messes all by herself.

Things had changed, yet somehow some still remained the same.

Chapter 20

W
hen
I wasn’t running in the mornings—all alone—or working during the day, I tried to feel like I had some kind of a normal life. Which wasn’t easy, since Nick was still trying to maintain a relationship with me. After figuring out what he’d done, it was rather hard to agree to anything. But he had saved my life multiple times. Totally giving up on a friendship over that didn’t feel right with me.

Since Christmas was tomorrow, Nick had asked me to eat dinner with him in New York and exchange gifts at his place. It was definitely a compromise on my part, as his place wasn’t exactly the cleanest.

“Are you sure you want to have dinner with me?” Nick asked as we walked through Brooklyn. “Doesn’t your family have big plans?”

I nodded. Our hands brushed briefly, so I tucked mine in my pocket. “Mom always cooks a Christmas Eve dinner, but I’m not in the mood this year.”

Nick groaned. “You’ve worked so hard in therapy. You should be with your family tonight, continuing to patch things up.”

Auntie Yelena’s words bounced around in my head. Now that I’d had time to dust myself off and cover the gaping wound she’d created, I remembered that her remarks were just words. But who could forget if someone
made you feel like you’re worthless garbage that dragged one’s family down? What kind of person did that to family?

“I’ve made progress with them,” I blurted. “Nothing’s wrong.”

“Your face doesn’t say that.”

“My face says that we need to get to your place and you better give me loads of ornaments to add to my collection.”

Nick groaned again. “You really need to work on your diversion tactics.”

“I made an
effort
to change the subject—there’s a difference.”

We walked a ways before we reached a stretch of brownstones. Nick lived in a nice neighborhood that I enjoyed walking through. I didn’t look forward to seeing his apartment, of course, but a promise was a promise: We were going to eat dinner and then open gifts at his place.

We reached his door and I told myself that I’d ignore his mess. That I’d brush aside any claustrophobic feelings that might sneak up on me. So when he opened the door, I was pleasantly surprised.

Nick stepped inside and gestured for me to join him. He had the smuggest smile on his face.

The main room had been completely cleared out. Where I remembered once seeing an endless stack of books, I noticed a set of bookcases. In the former place of an overrun coatrack was a nearly barren one, a single black coat on it. And Nick actually had furniture.

A light from a small Christmas tree illuminated a corner. I took in its meager number of ornaments, promising myself I’d try to share something from my collection with him.

The room wasn’t large, with the kitchen combined with the living room, but now that everything had been
organized, the place was actually cozy. Nick headed into the kitchen and pulled a large casserole dish from the oven. When he lifted the lid, I had to hold back the urge to tackle him for the food.

“Whatever’s in there smells wonderful!” Only slow-cooked meat would generate that kind of drool-worthy reaction.

“Well, if you’re hungry, there’s plenty to go around.”

With all the stuff Nick usually had everywhere, I wondered how he pulled off the cleanup.

The food piqued my attention as well, since I’d never seen him cook. With hardly any kitchen space, how would he have an opportunity? I didn’t want to offend him, but I had to ask. “Did you perhaps cast a spell or two to make this food?”

Nick feigned a hurt face. “I can’t believe you’d think I’d use magic to cook.”

I continued to stare him down.

“Okay, I picked up a prepared roast at the deli down the street after work. Then I left the food in the oven on low heat.”

The expression I gave him should’ve been of mock distaste, but I couldn’t keep from laughing. “At least I know it won’t kill me. I trust your food source choices.”

Nick put the dish back in the oven. He fumbled through the kitchen as if he wasn’t sure where everything was.

“Do you need help?”

“I’m good.” He searched around the meager counter space. “When I cleaned up the apartment I didn’t really use a system when I put everything away.”

My eyebrows lowered. “And where did you put it all? Your coat?”

“Even my coat pocket wouldn’t hold all the junk I’ve got.”

I took a step out of the kitchen toward the two other
doors. One of them was to the bathroom—while the other one had to be his bedroom. Would it be too forward of me to look behind curtain number one?

With a wicked giggle, I raced to the bedroom door and whipped it open. Behind me I heard Nick’s protests.

“What do you think you’re doing—”

His voice cut off as I stood gaping at his bedroom. Or should I say the wall of junk blocking the entrance into his bedroom. So that’s where all his stuff had gone.

“It all had to go somewhere,” he said quietly.

With my index finger, I tapped on a set of books protruding from a tangled mass of clothes. The books didn’t budge an inch. Somehow he’d crammed everything into the room.

I shrugged. “As long as you can shut the door, no one will be able to tell you stuffed half of Brooklyn in there.”

“True.” He appeared a bit embarrassed, and I felt kind of bad I’d teased him.

“You did a great job. So, when are we going to eat and open presents?”

He sensed my graceful change in subject and pointed over into the living room. “Have a seat and I’ll serve.”

Dinner tasted great. Nick turned on the radio to some light jazz music. Since it was only the two of us, I got as much pot roast as I wanted. The sides had been picked up from the local deli as well, but I couldn’t complain. We finished the food quickly.

I’d bought Nick’s gift long before Christmas. Even though I still felt a bit awkward with him, the gift seemed appropriate.

“Lady’s choice! You get to open yours first.” I shoved the bag into his hands. I could’ve received mine first, but I just wanted to see his reaction to my gift.

He opened the box and chuckled. “You can’t be serious.”

With a smirk he held up the lime-green T-shirt, socks,
and slacks I’d bought him. A matching hat would’ve made him the twin of the Jolly Green Giant—so I threw in one of those suckers too.

“You like?” My eyebrows danced. I could be bad when I wanted to be.

He continued to shake his head but then stood. In a few deft movements, he took off his black shirt and donned the green one. “How does it look?”

“You look nice and normal.”

After I said it, we both laughed uncontrollably. We were
so
far from normal, it was hilarious.

Next, it was my turn. His gift to me left me breathless. A beautiful crystal ornament of a wolf with a string of woven gold. Far too expensive to give to a friend. But then again, maybe he didn’t see me that way.

“This is too much.” I put the open box on the coffee table. I was afraid to touch it. It probably wouldn’t be as pure afterward.

“A new ornament for … hopefully a new start.” He picked it up and pushed it into my hands so I could examine it closely. “Don’t worry about the cost. A friend owed me big-time, and his skills produced the work of art you see before you.”

He gazed at me with those midnight eyes as if he expected something. My chest tightened. Forgiveness maybe for what he’d done? It wasn’t as if I didn’t think of him as attractive. I knew that underneath his green shirt lurked wide shoulders, a set of washboard abs, and a narrow waist. But the truth of the matter was that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t find space in my heart for him when images of another constantly flashed in my mind.

All I managed to say was, “Thank you, Nick.”

I felt nothing more. I couldn’t give him any more. Not with Thorn in the way or the events from the fairy battle. Just not right now. I had to tell him as much.

“Nick, there’s something we need to talk about.” I held the crystal wolf in my hand, hoping my grip wouldn’t crush it. “I can’t give you what you want. We can’t be more than friends.”

“Can I ask why?” he asked softly. “Is it about what happened in Jackson?”

I immediately replied, “No, it isn’t.” I’d said it far too quickly not to sound guilty.