Katie's Journey to Love (11 page)

“Well, here we are.” Esther pulled into Jesse's driveway and came to a stop by the barn. “I see someone left a light on for you. That's nice.”

“
Yah
. Esther, thanks again for yet another ride. I really appreciate it.”

“I don't mind. Let me know when you want me to pick you up again.”

Katie opened the door, climbed out, and then closed the car door. She waved and watched as Esther drove away. Then Katie looked toward the house and sighed.
Mamm
would be inside waiting, worried about her evening spent with people who were not of their faith. She would want to know everything that had happened tonight, and she wouldn't be able to see things through Katie's eyes. She wouldn't think Ben being there and speaking with her or Margaret's invitation to go to Europe was anything to rejoice over. To
Mamm
it would be cause for further alarm. She had such a different perspective on things. Most of the Amish believed the Mennonites were—at least to some degree—more dangerous than the
Englisha
when it came to luring someone away from the Amish faith. And wasn't Katie proving the point by sliding right into their clutches?
Yah
, that's how
Mamm
would look at this.

But I'm not sliding anywhere
, Katie told herself. She was walking in with her eyes wide open. Margaret and Sharon were her friends.
Yah
, and
yah
, they saw things differently than
Mamm
did. But who was to say their way wasn't just as right? And such thoughts were exactly what
Mamm
was afraid of, exactly what
Mamm
was expecting her to think. And that was also why
Mamm
would be up waiting for her.

Katie forced herself to move toward the house. She wouldn't think the worst until she knew for sure.
Mamm
loved her, and so did Jesse. She knew that. She would need to keep reminding herself of that, especially when things got rough. And she was choosing a most unusual path that would be difficult for
Mamm
and Jesse to understand. She had to admit that. Most Amish girls, given a chance at a new start in life with a
daett
like Jesse, would be thrilled. And Katie
was
thrilled. She just wasn't choosing to do
the things everyone expected of her, like submissively going to the Amish hymn singings on Sunday nights and attending the instruction classes for baptism. If she attended instruction classes, she'd be expected to accept what the Amish community thought the will of
Da Hah
was for her—even if that meant being single forever.

Katie's heart rebelled. She couldn't do that. No matter how nice Jesse was to her, she couldn't settle for a life among the Amish people her age who refused to accept her and let her be herself. Especially before she had a chance to see if anything would become of her relationship with Ben. He had spoken to her at the gathering tonight! His being there was all the sign she needed that
Da Hah
was leading her. And Ben had seen her in a totally new light because she was among the Mennonites. There she was no longer Emma Raber's daughter. No, she was a new woman altogether. There was no way that
Mamm
and Jesse would understand all this, even if she tried to explain it.

Katie crept up the porch steps. She gently nudged open the front door, but the hinges seemed to shriek in the night air. Obviously Mabel isn't sneaking in and out this door, Katie thought. She would have to remember to see if the other door leading outside didn't squeak. From now on she'd use the washroom door when she came in at night. Mabel probably kept those hinges well oiled. Katie silently chuckled at the thought.

The door latched behind her with a soft clink, and Katie tiptoed to the kitchen doorway. She peeked around the corner and saw the flickering light of the kerosene lamp playing over
Mamm
's bowed head.
Mamm
wasn't praying or she would have looked up by now. Perhaps she'd fallen asleep while crying out to
Da Hah
.

“
Mamm
?” Katie whispered as she entered the kitchen.

Mamm
's head flew up as she turned toward the doorway. “Katie! You're back.”

“Of course I am,” Katie said with a smile. She put her arm around
Mamm
's shoulder and gave her a quick hug.

“Please sit down.”
Mamm
motioned toward the kitchen chair. “Tell me all about your evening.”

“But it's late,” Katie said after glancing at the clock. “
Mamm
, you didn't need to wait up for me.”

“I love you, Katie. Waiting up isn't a problem. And Jesse understands. He cares about you as much as I do.”

Katie rubbed her face. Should she share everything with
Mamm
? She sat down. Should she tell
Mamm
tonight about Ben being at the meeting and the proposed trip oversees? Now that
Mamm
was sitting right in front of her, the idea of taking a trip to Europe sounded crazy. How could she, a young, unmarried Amish girl, make a trip to the Old Country?

“What are you thinking about?”
Mamm
asked. She reached over and touched Katie's hands.

Katie and her
mamm
had always shared everything, and
Mamm
obviously didn't want that to change. Neither did Katie. No matter how awkward it would be or how much it might hurt both of them, she decided she wanted to share what was going on.

Katie looked up and met
Mamm
's gaze. “What a night,
Mamm
. We worked on building a hayloft at Margaret's place. And you'll never guess who was there!

“Who, Katie?”

“Ben Stoll!”

Mamm
's eyes widened. “At the Mennonite youth gathering?”

Katie nodded.

“I didn't know he ran with the Mennonites.”

“I didn't either.”

Mamm
didn't look convinced. “Really, Katie? Or is this why you've been going to the Mennonite gatherings all along?”

“
Mamm!
” Katie protested. “How could you believe I'd lie to you?”

Doubt flashed across
Mamm
's face, but she soon nodded. “I believe you, Katie. But this is another
gut
reason to stop attending the Mennonite youth gatherings. Didn't you tell me you thought going there might be
Da Hah
's way of getting you away from Ben? So you must have been wrong, Katie. With Ben there, you're not getting over anything. And you know in your heart that nothing good will come out of your infatuation with Ben.”

Katie hung her head. She had been mistaken about going to the gatherings to forget about Ben, no doubt about that. But not how
Mamm
thought.
Da Hah
had been leading her straight toward Ben all along. The memories of
Mamm
's words of warning raced though her head. They'd been sitting in the living room of the old house not too long after Jesse had started to woo
Mamm
's heart.
Mamm
had shared the story of her own terrible mistakes when she was young and in love for the first time. She told how she'd loved a boy who hadn't loved her back. How she'd hung on to the hope he would someday marry her—right up to his wedding day when he'd said the vows with another girl. And then, in her distress, she'd made a spectacle of herself in front of the Amish community—and garnered a negative reputation as a result.
Mamm
said she never wanted Katie to go through anything like that.

But Katie was determined not to. Her situation was different! Ben had spoken with her tonight. Until they met at the Mennonite gathering, Katie had just been Emma Raber's odd daughter. That had changed now. Ben had seen her in a different light.

“Do you remember what I told you about such boys?”
Mamm
touched Katie's arm. “You have to listen to me, Katie. You can't go running after dreams like this. They will break your heart.”

Katie took a deep breath. “But Ben spoke with me tonight,
Mamm
. And I think he really saw
me
for the first time.”

Mamm
sighed. “Ben Stoll is not the man for you, Katie. And you don't want him as your boyfriend. Even if he asked to bring you home on a Sunday night, but you know that will never happen. He's not in our league. He's out of reach. You know that.”

Katie didn't look at
Mamm
; instead, she stared at the wiggling flame in the kerosene lamp.
Mamm
had always objected when Katie talked about Ben Stoll. And Katie had always blamed it on
Mamm
's experience with Daniel Kauffman. But perhaps this objection went deeper? Could it be rooted in the fact that Ben was in
rumspringa
? That might be the answer.
Mamm
had never liked the practice, and she'd forbidden Katie to participate in it.

Mamm
gripped Katie's hands. “Please don't be offended, Katie. I've told you all this before. I don't want your heart broken and thrown away by some boy. I know it can happen regardless of how careful we are. But letting your heart get tangled up with Ben is really asking for trouble.”

“It's already tangled up,
Mamm
,” Katie admitted in a whisper. She stood up. “And there's little I can do about it.”

“Oh, Katie!”
Mamm
stood up too and wrapped her arms around Katie's neck.

Katie said nothing as she buried her face against
Mamm
's shoulder. If she didn't say something about the Europe trip right now, it might never get said. But how could she with
Mamm
already hurting so deeply?

Mamm
continued. “I hope you don't mind that I shared my concerns about you, the Mennonites, and Ben with Jesse tonight. Jesse's my husband now, and he's your
daett
, Katie. Jesse and I got down on our knees and prayed for you tonight.”

“Thank you,” Katie said quietly as the image of Jesse and
Mamm
kneeling beside the couch and offering a special prayer
for her went through her mind. Their kindness and concern was simply overwhelming.
Mamm
was waiting, a look of hope on her face that
Da Hah
was already answering her prayer and her daughter was seeing the truth as she did.

Katie choked, a sob catching in her throat. “Oh,
Mamm
, there's even more to tell you. And I'm afraid you won't like it, either. But you should know about it sooner rather than later.”

Mamm sat down.

Katie could see by
Mamm
's stiff back and determined look that she was bracing herself. “Margaret asked me to go along on a trip to Europe with her, Sharon, and another girl named Nancy Keim. Nancy just returned from a mission trip to Holland, and she wants to go back for a visit.”

Mamm
was openly staring as Katie rushed on. “And I do so want to go! It would fit in with the new me, with the new life that I'm beginning. I never wish to go back to being the ‘old Katie' again. She was always on the fringes and never accepted. But the ‘new Katie' is different. It's a little like you and Jesse,
Mamm
. You've started a new life. And didn't
Da Hah
bring the two of you together in such a special way? Why couldn't He be doing the same thing for me?”

“Katie…”
Mamm
wiped away fresh tears. “Oh, Katie, you're all
fahuddled
. All these changes have been too much for you. You're not being yourself.”

“
Nee
,
Mamm
,” Katie whispered, “I'm not being my old self. I've changed, and I like it. Can you love the new me? Will you love the new me? I love you in your new life.”

Mamm
gave her a weak smile. “Katie, you're so young. You have so much to learn, and I wish I could teach you. I so wish you would be willing to learn from me. You would avoid so much heartache that way.”

Katie was silent as they both wiped away their tears.

Finally
Mamm
said, “Come, Katie. We've talked enough tonight. It's late. If we don't get our sleep, we won't be of any use tomorrow. We'll talk more about this later after I've discussed it with Jesse.”

“Please don't,” Katie said. “Can't we keep this just between us for now?”

Mamm
smiled again. “I have to talk with Jesse, Katie. He cares about you, and he's my husband and your
daett
. He'll know how to help. He's a very wise man.”

With what
Mamm
was going to tell him, Jesse might forbid her traveling to Europe and also tell her she could never attend a Mennonite youth gathering again. Then what would she do? This turn of events was to be expected, Katie decided. She just hadn't thought it would be now. Surely
Da Hah
would give her the strength to bear whatever was going to happen. If He was opening doors for her, and Katie was sure He was, He would make a way so she could continue to attend the Mennonite gatherings and take the trip with Margaret, Sharon, and Nancy.