Authors: Douglas Coupland
"If he's not dead, where is he?"
"Keep your voice down. Kaitlin might hear."
"Do you know where he is?"
"No, Ethan, I don't know where he is, but Kam Fong
did
say he wouldn't kill him."
"Kam Fong?"
"Shush! Yes, Kam Fong. Such a nice man."
"How does Steve connect to Kam Fong?"
"Pour me a vodka tonic and I'll tell you. Make it a double. Slice of lime—a circular slice, not a wedge."
"I think I'll pour one for myself, too."
"No you don't. You and Kaitlin will be using the scales tonight, and I want to make sure you get the numbers right."
So I mixed Mom a drink and pulled up a bar stool while she sliced and diced.
"You have to understand that I liked young Steven, but I was never in love with him."
"Gee. I feel much better already."
"Hand me my drink." She took a big gulp. "I know that gulp didn't look too good, but truth be told, I do feel a bit bad about what happened."
"What happened?"
"I'm getting to that. You have to realize that Steven was in love with me."
"That doesn't surprise me."
"Are you being facetious?" Mom stared at me. "A girl can't control who will and who won't fall in love with her, Ethan. And sometimes, when a nuisance person falls in love with you, it can be awfully . . . awkward."
"How?"
"In the case of young Steven, he was always phoning and waiting for your father to leave so he could come around. It was awful."
That still didn't explain Steve's tie in the soap drawer in the guest bathroom. "And?"
"I just wanted Steven to leave me alone. So I called Kam Fong." Mom stared at me uneasily. "Why do you care about young Steven, by the way? I thought he was making your life miserable."
"He was, but now that he's gone, we've ended up with something much worse than him."
"I thought you might be happy to have him out of your hair."
"What did Kam Fong do with him?"
"I made him promise that he wouldn't kill him."
"How humane."
"Shush. You'll just have to ask Kam yourself. I can't ask him because it'll look as if I don't trust him—and if you
do
ask him, make sure he knows that it's
you
who wants to find Steven, not me."
"Done."
"Dinner will be ready in ninety minutes," said Mom. "Oh, I forgot—your father may have landed a speaking role in an SUV commercial. He's so excited."
I went downstairs again. Kaitlin asked, "Well?"
"I'm not sure."
"You think there's a connection?"
"I just don't know."
"How did the tie end up here?"
"She didn't say."
"Ethan, you're using your fake voice."
Shit.
"No, I'm not."
"And you're even lying about using your fake voice."
Crap.
"Ethan, I'm going to let this one go because it's family, and family stuff is always weird, but don't think I'm going to forget any of this."
"Kaitlin—" I looked at her. I love every molecule of her body. "That is really nice of you." I looked down at the task at hand. "I really just want to turn off my brain. Let's groom this pot and veg for a litde bit."
Kaitlin sighed. "I wish my parents took such good care of their grow-op. My mom's lazy about tracking genetics. Her plants are the foliage equivalents of Cletus the Slack-jawed Yokel. And my dad's electrical wiring is like that scene in
Poltergeist
where the evil bedroom is trying to suck the litde girl into another dimension. When you turn on the light, you clench your toes, tighten your sphincter and wait for a different universe to suck you up."
. . .
Dinner went off without a hitch, although when I had to use the guest bathroom, Steve's tie was gone. Dad was stoked about his potential speaking part. "For once I get to be the asshole driving the shiny silver climate-killer down a mountain road that's been sprayed with a firehose by set-dec."
"What's your line in the commercial?"
"'Smooth, smooth, smooth.' Do you want me to demonstrate my various possible readings?"
"Go for it, Dad."
"Here's the one I think is best, but you listen and you tell me.
Smooth, smooth,
smoooooooth.
What do you think?"
"Do a few more."
"Of course.
Smooooooth, smooooooooth, smooooooooooooth."
Kaitlin said, "I like that one."
"Really? Did you like the way I lengthened the
oooooooooooo
sound?"
"It was good."
Imagine an hour more of this and you have dinner. Afterwards, we weighed Mom's crop and bagged it. Back at my place, around midnight, Kaitlin and I found Kam Fong leaving with a suitcase. He was moving out.
"Kam—no—we'll miss you." We really would.
"I'm not going far. Your brother just found me this great house in West Van—up on the hill. A bargain, too—the owner got nailed for shipping sugar pills to American seniors who thought they were buying Gleevec and OxyContin. Got it for peanuts. It's got a commanding city view, two karaoke rooms and it's been feng-shuied by a Grand Master." This was about as excited as Kam gets.
Kaitlin asked if Kam would have bought it if it hadn't been feng-shuied.
"Of course. Feng shui's one of those mumbo-jumbo Chinese things people expect Chinese people to get all serious about. It's total crap, but I use it all the time to haggle for lower prices. In any event, come to my housewarming the night after tomorrow. And Ethan, be prepared to sing along to Madonna's "Vogue."'
"Mother of God, no."
"Host chooses the tunes. Bye, kids."
. . .
Kaitlin's first meeting in the morning was about the repurposing of BoardX's characters. "I suppose I don't mind doing yet one more anime-style project, but Jesus, anime's like the gaming equivalent of those $8.95 white plastic stacking chairs from Wal-Mart. Sure, they work, but they've also slaughtered every other chair on the market. It's a category killer."
John Doe said, "Anime performed a vital Darwinian function. In the early 1990s the animation world was becoming shockingly lazy. As an art form, animation was dying. Anime offered new hope to young storytellers and animators. Competition and new ideas are good. Imagine a world in which there was only Coke, and no Pepsi. Coke would get lazy, wouldn't it? It'd become arrogant, and with total control of the world's cola nut production, it could raise the price of a tasty beverage to extortionate levels. They could mess with the formula—they could put cinnamon in it. Floor sweepings. Dirt."
Bree said, "I thought you didn't like Coke."
"Not specifically. But I like the idea that people can compete with it."
Cowboy said, "Wait a second—cola nuts? They actually grow them? I thought cola flavouring was entirely synthetic."
"The cola nut I refer to is
Cola acuminata,
which is no longer grown for that use. Modern cola flavouring is a petrochemical derivative. You can buy cola nuts in powdered form."
Kaitlin said, "Let's make our own Coke, right here in jPod."
John Doe said, "What an excellent idea, but please, for legal reasons, let's not call it Coke. Let's call it a cola-flavoured beverage. At the count of three, everybody google. First person to locate a place that sells cola powder and then make an online purchase gets the Halo 2 game I won as the door prize in last week's Tetris Challenge. One, two, three—
googlel"
Evil Mark was fastest. He found a pound of powdered cola for $10.98 from some hippie place in Iowa. John Doe said, "Congratulations, but you haven't officially won until I see a paper printout of your sale confirmation." The air was electric, because Cowboy was just then finalizing a sale. Mark, in a moment of brain death, entered a SAVE AS key command, and Cowboy ended up winning.
. . .
Back to SpriteQuest. For now, Cowboy, Evil Mark and John Doe are part of the team that assigns attributes to 3-D objects—making sure metals dent, stone crumbles, glass shatters and so forth. The three of them are also part of a squad whose mission is to reconfigure the skateboarding universe into a fantasy universe.
Me? I carry on fetching Honey Nut Cheerios for Gord-O. The big surprise was Bree, who showed up for work today with a wedge-cut hairdo and a navy blue business suit. Kaitlin said, "Bree, you look like a saleslady at a Liz Claiborne factory oudet store circa 1993."
"Merde.
I was trying to look French. And I might as well tell you guys now, I've decided to try cracking upper management. I have to look the part."
"Why is it, if a guy wants to enter management, all he has to do is declare the fact," Kaitlin asked, "while if a woman wants to do it, she has to dress like a linebacker in drag?"
John Doe: "It's the way of the world, Kaitlin."
I must say, the entire morning was the most demoralized and dispirited I can remember. Around noon I was in the cafeteria, trying some prosciutto and melon, when this guy named Alec came in. I worked with him a few years back, and we got to talking about an Easter egg in this old Atari 2600 game, where the programmer hid his name in a secret room. If you were in the know, or if you got the right zines, you could enter the room, and you got to see his signature just floating in the air in 3-D. The image has always haunted me.
The thing about Alec is that he has no indoor voice—instead of speaking to you, he broadcasts. Many people in gaming are like this. It's just one more form of human behaviour that's being reclassified as an offshoot of autism. Kaitlin can't finish her hugging machine soon enough.
In spite of his too-loud voice, Alec had a good point. "It's all about authorship. We work so hard on these games, but it's like our voices don't matter. That guy from the Atari 2600 game had to make himself count."
On the spot, I renewed my earlier vow to sabotage the game—except now I wasn't sabotaging BoardX with a turde, I was sabotaging SpriteQuest with Prince Amulon.
. . .
John Doe ordered up a 50/50 regular/decaf from the floor's new and swanky watch-while-I-make-it-from-freshly-ground-beans machine. Evil Mark saw him do this and asked, "John, how can you drink half-and-half crap?"
"It's like trying to reconcile wave-particle duality," John Doe replied. "You can't taste the caffeinated brew at the same time you taste the decaf—or vice versa. You can only taste one or the other. So it's like two beverages in one."
"I've never thought of it that way before."
'You shouldn't be so quick to judge, Mark."
Bree was right there: "John, I think you're binarizing a complex taste situation. I don't think it's that simplistic."
"Bree, is it wrong to try to make some sense of this chaotic world?"
As a joke, I asked Bree if she was taking coffee-tasting lessons, and it turns out she
is.
"The French take their coffee seriously, but I'm still trying to get past the cafe-au-lait-in-the-morning issue," she confessed. "It tastes like something a cartoon character would drink. Imagine Secret Squirrel getting up at five-thirty a.m., fighting a wicked macadamia hangover, groping for something, anything, to make the pain go away—and he reaches for a cafe au lait. I think I need to study this a bit more."
. . .
Evil Mark stood up in the middle of the afternoon and said, "I'm about to hand out sheets listing the 8,363 prime numbers between 10,000 and 100,000. Embedded in this list of numbers is one non-prime. First person to find that non-prime number wins my
Family
Guy
promotional sixteen-ounce beer cozy."
In less than five minutes I won.
FUN FACT: any even number can be made by adding together two primes.
. . .
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