Joyful (2 page)

“I can't do everything. I can't worry about you, too, Elizabeth. I'm sorry, but this is for the best.”

“You're
sorry
?” She didn't know whether to yell or cry. Reaching out to him, she attempted to hold him any way she could. “Randall, we need to talk about this. How about I make you—”

He shrugged away her hand and ignored her offer. “Elizabeth, I need to go.”

She was so angry and confused and hurt, she blurted the first hurtful thing she could think of. “You know, it would serve you right if I started seeing someone else.”

He pulled on his coat. “I . . . I hope you do. You are going to make a mighty
gut frau
to some man.”

She was flabbergasted. He didn't even sound jealous. Picking up his gloves, she practically threw them at him. “Don't forget these,” she said as she opened up the front door for him. “And, please, watch your step,” she added sarcastically. “I'd hate for you to slip and fall on your way out.”

“I am sorry, Beth,” he murmured, probably not even realizing that he'd used his pet name for her. “I never meant to hurt you.”

“But you did.” Unable to stop the tears from falling, she glared at him and hoped that one day he would feel as miserable as she did. “You have hurt me. And one day? One day I hope you get hurt, too. Then you'll know what my heart feels like.”

Before she could change her mind, she slammed the door in his face.

“Lizzie?” her grandmother said from the stairs. “Is everything all right?”

Looking up into her grandmother's sweet face from her spot on the stairs, she wondered how she was going to take care of her without Randall's help.

How she was ever going to find another man who would love her and wouldn't mind taking care of her grandmother.

How she was ever going to get over loving Randall Beiler.

“
Nee
,” she finally said. “I'm not all right. I'm not all right at all.”

Her grandmother rushed to her side. “Lizzie, you look so sad! What happened?”

“I can't talk just yet,” she blurted as the tears started to fall. “I'm sorry, Mommi, but I just can't.”

Instead of pressuring her, she pulled her close with two soft arms. “Then don't talk, dear,” she whispered. “All you have to do instead is have a good cry.”

Randall Beiler wasn't happy.

Perhaps that was putting things a bit harshly. Or maybe, rather, it was putting things a bit mildly.

Whatever it was, he needed something better in his life. A reason to be happy, a reason to be content. Or, as his little sister, Kaylene, was fond of saying, he needed something to be joyful about.

Unfortunately, he didn't think anything along those lines was going to happen anytime soon. Not while he had the combined weight of four of his younger siblings on his shoulders.

“Chicken again?” Levi griped as he entered the kitchen. “How many nights in a row have we had chicken? Something like eight?”

“I haven't been counting,” Randall snapped. “If you know what's good for you, I wouldn't start counting, either.”

“Did you grill it again?”

“Yep.” Because he knew one way to cook chicken, and that was to grill it until it was almost charred.

Looking every bit of his sixteen years, Levi rolled his blue eyes. “Randall, can't you cook anything else?”

“Nope.” He knew how to bake potatoes, open jars of green beans that his sister Claire had put up, and grill chicken. That was the extent of his culinary skills.

Glaring at the plate of chicken, each portion looking a bit like a hockey puck, Levi didn't even try to hide his grimace of distaste. “Couldn't you at least try?”

With effort, Randall tried not to let his temper snap. “
Nee
, Levi, I cannot. As I've said before, if you want to take over the meals, go ahead. But as long as I'm cooking supper every night, we're going to have what I can cook.”

“Which just happens to be grilled chicken, baked potatoes, and canned beans,” Micah said with a grin as he wandered in. “At least dinner isn't full of surprises anymore. Claire loved her mystery-meat casseroles, she did.”

Randall smiled, imagining the creations their bossy sister was trying out on her newlywed husband. “I'm sure Jim is pining for a piece of blackened chicken right about now.”

“Doubt it,” Levi grumbled.

Privately thinking that one of their eldest sister's mystery-meat casseroles would actually be a most welcome change, Randall picked up the plate of chicken and carried it to the table. “Where are Neil and Kaylene?”

“On their way. Kaylene wanted to help Neil with the goats,” Micah said as he pointed toward the barn.

“Levi, go ahead and set the table then.”

“Again? I set it last night.”

“And I cooked last night. Do it.”

With a sullen expression, his youngest brother set the table for five. By the time he'd gotten the last of the silverware in place, Kaylene and Neil had filtered in.

Micah filled up glasses with water, then helped Randall fill the rest of the platters and carry them to the table. Then, after a brief prayer uttered gratefully in silence, they began to pass dishes and fill their plates.

Just as they'd done for all of Randall's twenty-one years. In fact, the only thing that ever seemed to change was the number of place mats they set out . . . and who did the cooking.

Just five months ago, things had been a lot different. Their three elder siblings, Junior, Beverly, and Claire, had still been living at home. Those three had been managing things for years, ever since their mother had died, soon after giving birth to Kaylene.

When their father died five years ago, they'd divided up even more duties. Beverly had taken over the house and sewing, Claire the cooking and finances. Junior had been in charge of them all, and had practically raised Kaylene by himself.

As the fifth eldest, Randall had more or less done his own thing. He'd taken a job in construction as soon as he'd gotten out of school at fourteen, and had figured he was doing his part by contributing his paycheck to the family bank account.

Junior, being Junior, had let him believe he'd been doing enough.

Now Randall realized that he'd been only doing enough for himself. He'd worked and courted Elizabeth Nolt in his spare time. He'd always planned to ask Elizabeth to marry him when he'd been promoted to a supervisor. Whenever the time was right.

But then things had happened.

Junior had fallen in love with Miriam Zehr, Joe Burkholder had finally gotten up the nerve to ask their sister Beverly to marry him, and then Claire—to everyone's surprise—had up and married Jim Weaver and moved to Charm.

Three siblings married in less than three months!

Of course, all three of them had spent many an hour discussing the pros and cons of their leaving. Junior and Miriam had even volunteered to continue living at the farm to take care of them all.

But that had rubbed Randall the wrong way. He was a grown man, not a spoiled teenager. No way was he going to ever say that he couldn't handle what his older brother had been doing without complaint for most of his life.

Therefore, he, Micah, and Neil had developed a new triumvirate. Micah did most of the farming and took his college classes. Neil continued to train dogs and breed his goats and pigs, all moneymakers.

And Randall had changed his life completely. He now worked construction only two days a week. The rest of the time he took care of the house, farmed, managed most of the finances, goaded Levi into doing his chores and get to his part-time job, and tried his best to take care of the youngest member of their family, Kaylene.

Unfortunately, it seemed that he wasn't all that good at being Kaylene's mother. And his domestic skills were sadly lacking as well.

As the meal continued in silence, Randall tried to think of something to talk about. “Kay, did you see Miriam at school today?” Miriam had helped out at the school for a bit before she and Junior had gotten married. Now she tutored when she could.

“Jah.”

“Why do you look so glum? I thought that would make you happy.”

To his shock, Kaylene's eyes filled with tears. “Because she's . . . she's going to have a
boppli
.”

His fork clattered down on his plate. “What?”

Kaylene swiped her cheek with the side of her hand. “It's true.”

“Well, that's a mighty big surprise,” he murmured, feeling a little disappointed. Why hadn't Junior told them all about the baby?

Levi turned to him in surprise. “Randall, you didn't know, either?”

“None of us knew,” Micah said as he dabbed at his sister's cheek with his napkin. “Kay, how did you know?”

“Two of the kids were giggling about it. Saying Miriam looked like she was getting fat.”

“I just saw her two weeks ago on Sunday,” Randall said, trying to wrap his head around the story. “We all did. She didn't look fat then.”

“She doesna look fat, Randall,” their little sister said impatiently. “She looks like she's gonna have a baby!”

Micah stared at Kaylene through his wire-rimmed frames. “Miriam and Junior have been married some time now,” he said in his patient way. “I guess it's no surprise that they are expecting a babe. Why are you crying?”

“Because now Junior is going to have his own family,” she exclaimed, thick tears rolling down her cheeks. “He hardly comes over at all now. When he and Miriam have their own baby, I won't never see him no more.”

“That would be won't
ever
see him
any
more,” Micah murmured, absently correcting her grammar.

Kaylene scowled. “Oh, Micah, it don't matter, does it?”

“Well, um . . .” He looked at Randall for help.

Randall shrugged. They'd always depended on their smart brother to help with things like speech and grammar.

But that pause seemed to only make their sister even more perturbed.

As she looked from Randall to Neil to Micah to Levi, the tears started falling even faster. “None of you are girls!” she cried, then left the table in a rush.

Stunned, Randall watched her run out of the kitchen. Silence reigned around the table as the four of them listened to her scamper up the stairs, run down the hall, then finally slam her door.

Alarmed, Randall looked at his brothers. “What was that about?”

“I could be wrong, but I'm thinking that she nailed it on the head,” Micah said slowly. “We're not women and she needs one. Bad.”

“Or Junior,” Levi commented. “Junior always looked after her like a mother hen.”

As much as he hated to admit it, he was starting to think that Kaylene had a very good point. “She needs a girl around, doesn't she?”

“She is nine now,” Levi said. “I think girls that age need women around.”

Randall was pretty sure Levi was right. In the back of his mind, he seemed to remember Claire and Beverly being especially needy around that age—and when they became teenagers. “Do you think we should see if she could go live with Miriam and Junior? That might be best for her. You know she loves Miriam and she's always been closest to Junior.”

Micah, being Micah, pondered that one for a long moment before shaking his head. “I don't think we should. That feels like we're pushing her on Junior, and that ain't right. They're newlyweds. Plus, if they've got a baby on the way, they've got other things to worry about.”

“You're right about that, but we wouldn't be pushing Kay away. We would be trying to make her happy.”

Levi frowned. “Somehow, I think that would make things worse. Besides, I don't think we're doing too bad of a job.”

“We?” Randall raised his brows.

“Oh, don't act like that. You know I'm around a lot more now,” Levi protested. “Plus I'm working construction with you, and I try to spend time with Kay, too. I don't think I'm doing anything worse than you did at sixteen.”

“You're right.” Randall sighed. Looking at his charred chicken and half-eaten baked potato, he wondered how such a bad supper had managed to get even worse. “But we've got to find someone.”

“Randall, what about Elizabeth?” Neil asked after a moment's pause.

“What about her?” He didn't even care that his bitter tone had directed everyone else at the table to look his way.

“You dated her for years. Can't you get her back?”

“And why would I want to do that?”

“If you married Elizabeth, she could live here.” Warming to his idea, Neil added, “Then she could cook, clean, and help with Kay.”

“I don't think she's going to come running back to me just because I asked,” he said dryly. “We didn't end things on a good note, you know.”

“You mean when you broke up with her,” Levi said.

Randall felt his cheeks heat as he remembered just how poorly he'd treated her. “Um, yeah. But listen, even if she did suddenly want to marry me, asking her to come here and cook and clean for the five of us ain't what most girls dream of doing when they get hitched.”

Levi frowned. “You really don't like Elizabeth anymore? We all thought you were going to marry her.”

He had, too. “All I'm saying is that some things are better in the past. Regrets are for fools, and I'm surely not that.”

As his siblings slowly resumed eating, Randall felt the knot of disappointment that had settled deep inside him when he'd walked away from Elizabeth resurface.

No, he definitely didn't believe in regrets. But perhaps he was a fool after all—because he certainly did miss Elizabeth. He missed her something fierce. More than once he'd called himself ten times the fool because he'd broken things off with her instead of trying to figure out a way to make things work.