Jordan's Return (16 page)

Jordan could only stand and stare. She had hoped they would share what they were feeling right now for one another, but apparently the past had to be dealt with first if they were ever going to try to have a future together.

He was looking down at the floor and whispered to no one in particular, “I was there on your wedding day.”

“What?”

“I was parked in the lot across the street from the church. I sat there and watched you and Eric come out of that church. You looked so happy and so beautiful.” He sighed. “It almost killed me. Up until that moment, I thought you'd come back. I kept convincing myself that you would come back and forgive me and we'd have the life together that we had planned.” He swallowed hard and looked Jordan in the eyes. “I never wanted to believe we were over.”

He straightened his posture and looked at her sadly. “I can't go there again.” Turning, he opened the door and walked out. Jordan went after him.

“Why do we have to go there again?” Her words stopped him in his tracks. “You're not being fair, Rob! You spring some idea on me and because I don't jump up and instantly agree to it, we're done? Is that what you're saying? Am I not allowed to have time to think things over for myself?”

He walked toward her and Jordan felt a glimmer of hope. Her heart beat madly in her chest and she was certain they were going to be all right. The night air surrounding her was cool, and she longed to have Rob's body curved around her, warming her and telling her it was okay. But he stopped before fully reaching her, robbing her of his warmth.

“These last two weeks with you and the boys have been the best of my life. I never thought I'd get another chance with you,” he said softly. “Making love with you today was more than I ever could have hoped for. But I've waited almost fourteen years for you, Jordan. I can't sit around and wait any longer. It's too much for you to ask.”

Well, there was her answer to the whole
rushing into it
dialogue from earlier that evening.

“I didn't come here expecting to find you.” Her words were filled with panic and she clutched the front of his shirt. “Please, don't leave like this. Let's go back inside and talk about this.” The muscles bunching beneath the fabric told her he wasn't as immune to her as he was trying to be.

Rob traced the line of her jaw with his index finger.

“Baby, if you don't know for certain what you want from me after all these years, then we're not on the same page.”

Jordan honestly
heard
her heart break. The pain of it was almost unbearable. Even after suffering so terribly both physically and emotionally at Eric's hands, this feeling was so much worse. As she watched Rob climb into his truck, she knew she should tell him she loved him and that she desperately wanted to live here with him, but fear paralyzed her. She had been so wrong about so many things in her life that she couldn't make herself say the words aloud.

Dumbfounded, she just stood and watched him drive away. When his taillights were out of sight, she crumpled onto the front lawn and cried. Her whole body ached, and she cried for all the things she'd had and lost. Of all the hopes and dreams Jordan had brought with her to the Virginia coast, none had included her finding love and losing her heart to a man who she knew without a doubt was the one and only man for her. The only man she would ever love.

As she knelt on the cool ground, she mourned for the heart that now lay broken. And she hadn't even realized it could happen.

* * *

Rob drove as calmly as he could until he was off Jordan's street, then he howled like a wounded animal and pounded on the steering wheel in frustration.

What had just happened? For the last few weeks, things had been progressing beautifully. They were happy with one another, relaxed, in love. Yes, he had no doubt in his mind it was love he and Jordan shared. In the wake of all that had just transpired, Rob realized he'd never
told
her he loved her. But couldn't she tell? He slammed on the brakes in the middle of a deserted street. Maybe that wasn't the real issue. Maybe Jordan didn't love him. That one thought caused a tightening in his chest that brought a tear to his eyes.

There was no way after the way they had made love this afternoon that she couldn't feel the same way about him. He saw it in her eyes, felt it in her every touch.

Then what was the real problem?

Removing himself from the middle of the issue, he conceded that yes, Jordan had been put through hell in her marriage and divorce. Of course, she would be hesitant to get involved again, but not with him! If he were any other man, he could imagine her needing more time and space, but they'd had a previous relationship, one where they had made plans for the future. How could she not believe in them?

Why would she need to think about things? Why would she have doubts? He was crazy about her and her children and the thought of it all being over and not having them in his life was surely going to be the death of him. A part of him wanted to go back to the bungalow and beg and grovel until Jordan agreed to stay with him, but he knew that, after all this time, begging and groveling shouldn't be necessary.

He wanted Jordan more than anything else, but he had his pride. He'd laid his heart out on the table, laid himself bare for her, and she'd rejected him. The squeezing pain in his chest nearly choked him as he drove aimlessly around town.

Not wanting to face the silence of his loft, Rob pulled up to a local pub and went inside to get a drink. He wasn't much of a drinker, but tonight, tonight he needed something to numb the pain causing his heart to seize.

The place was a local landmark and in the summertime, you couldn't get a seat, but on a weeknight after the season ended, there were only a handful of people scattered about. There was a band playing in the corner, crooning about love—great, just what he needed. Pulling up a stool at the bar, he ordered a shot of Jack Daniels. He drank it down in one gulp and accepted the burn. Rob sat, staring off into space for a long while, not paying attention to his surroundings or to the looks he was getting from people around him. People who knew him. People who had never seen him come into the bar, let alone have a drink before. He ordered one more shot, paid his tab, and walked out.

Climbing back into the SUV, he was no closer to wanting to go home but knew he could no longer put it off. He had no place else to go. Not at this hour. Getting behind the wheel after having two shots was probably not the smartest move, but clearly he wasn't the smartest of men right now. If he were, he wouldn't be drinking alone and sitting outside a roadside bar; he'd be holding Jordan in his arms and happily planning their future together.

He gave himself a few minutes to make sure he was okay and then pulled out his phone and called the one person he knew would understand. At the sound of his sister's voice, he almost let himself cry.

“Hey,” he said gruffly.

“Rob? Are you all right?” Claudia knew her brother well enough to know that something was definitely wrong.

“No, I'm not all right…definitely not all right.”

It was near eleven o'clock and Claudia was beginning to panic. “Rob, honey, what's going on? What's happened?”

He sighed wearily, his head rolling on the headrest. “I lost her, Claude. I lost her.”

She muttered a curse. “I don't understand. Everything seemed fine when you guys left here.”

“I thought so too. We went back to her place and the boys got ready for bed and I went to pick up dinner. Everything was fine. I get back and tell her that we'll go and find her a house here tomorrow so we can move her here, and she tells me she has to think! What the hell does that mean?”

“So you wait a little while. She's got a lot on her plate right now. I know you're eager to have her here, but what's a couple of months waiting time?”

Rob couldn't believe his ears. He pulled the phone away and looked at it, offended. “A couple of months?” he snapped. “Dammit, Claude, I've been waiting for Jordan my whole damn life and now you think I need to wait more, too? What is it with everyone? Why do we need to wait? I love her and I want her and the boys here with me! Why is that such a crime?”

“What did she say when you told her you love her?” Silence. “Rob? You did tell her you love her, right?”

“No…but she should know that by now! After all we've been through, after all we shared this afternoon, she should know I love her! And the boys,” he added.

“Rob, you may not want to hear this, but women like to be told they are loved. We like to have choices when planning our future. It seems to me you didn't give her any reason to want to be with you.”

“You're out of your damn mind, you know that? You're supposed to be on my side. Mine! You're my sister and I called you because I knew you'd understand, but no, you go and take her side!”

She chuckled. “I'll tell you what, call me tomorrow when you get your head cleared a little and we'll talk, okay? I think you're a little too upset right now to see reason. Are you going to be all right?”

“Like you even care…”

“I love having my baby brother back,” she said sarcastically. “Seriously, Rob, are you going to be okay? Do I need to send Dave over to the loft?”

“I'm not at the loft.” He pouted.

“Where are you?”

“At a bar.”

“Oh, for crying out loud! Are you kidding me? Did you drink? Do not go driving around, Rob. Do you hear me?”

He cringed at her loud voice. The effects of the alcohol were starting to set in. “I'm fine, Claude, really. I need to go. I'll call you tomorrow.” He didn't wait for her response and hung up. Sighing wearily, he knew he had to get home. He probably should have taken her up on her offer to have Dave come out, but there was no sense in making everyone's night miserable.

Shaking his head as if to clear it, he started the vehicle, opened the windows, and drove as slowly as possible back to his place. There wasn't a lot of traffic, and he'd lived in this town long enough that he could have driven through the streets with his eyes closed. Still not a smart move to be driving at all in his condition and frame of mind, but what was done was done.

Pulling up to his lonely loft, he paused on the threshold, wary of going inside because he knew that all he would see was Jordan. Their afternoon had been heavenly and he could still feel her against his body, taste her on his lips. The image of her sprawled out on his bed, naked and glowing from their lovemaking, would haunt him forever. The fantasy he had harbored as a teen about making love to Jordan in a bed in no way compared to the erotic reality.

With a sigh of resignation, Rob unlocked the door, went inside and up the stairs. His eyes instantly went to the bed. It was still rumpled and unmade from the afternoon. His first impulse was to angrily rip the bedding off and put it in the laundry to erase the sights and smells of Jordan. But the lonely, brokenhearted man in him could only allow himself to be drawn to the place where he had finally found peace. Pausing beside the bed, he stripped and crawled beneath the sheets, inhaling deeply.

Images flashed through his mind that momentarily had nothing to do with sex, but purely about how much Jordan, Jake, and Joseph had come to mean to him.

Before running into them on the street that fateful morning, Rob had thought his life was complete; now he realized he had been living a hollow existence.

Sure, he had his architecture firm and the restaurant kept him more than busy, but that was just it—he was busy doing things that didn't offer him any fulfillment. He had friends, clients, customers, and each of them had families of their own to go home to. At the end of the day, Rob was still alone.

He'd chosen a career he loved, and he helped build dreams for other people, but not for himself. He took over his grandfather's business, not because it was his dream, but that of his grandfather. He intended to honor that dream, but what about his own? What about his dreams? His wants? His needs?

Spending time with Jake and Joseph, teaching them how to fish or just tossing a ball around with them in the yard,
that
satisfied him more than he ever thought possible. Sure, he spent time with Claudia's kids and he loved them dearly, but they had a father who loved them; Jordan's kids did not. Foolishly, in the short time he had known them, he had come to think of himself as a father figure to the boys. Rob knew he needed them just as much as they needed him.

Tossing his arm over his head, he forced his eyes to close. The smell of Jordan's perfume surrounded him. He smiled sadly. It was the closest he was going to get to spending the night with Jordan ever again.

Four days after Rob drove off, Jordan still hadn't heard from him.
Typical
. He hadn't made any real effort to work things out when they were eighteen; why should now be any different? He didn't get his way, so that was that. Well, she'd survive now just as she had then. But deep down, she wanted him to call or come by and talk some sense into her.

The thought of just
surviving
left her feeling empty. Jordan didn't want to survive—she wanted to scream and yell and demand that he listen to her as she cried out her love for him. She could only hope his response would be that he loved her too. But after all this time without any contact, Jordan felt pretty sure she had her answer. If Rob loved her, really and truly loved her, wouldn't he have called by now? They had specifically talked about how they should have done that all those years ago, so it seemed this was going to be their pattern of behavior—one mistake and then never speaking again. She sighed with frustration.

Jake and Joseph had asked nonstop questions those first few days regarding Rob's whereabouts. Not feeling up to a lengthy discussion, she told them Rob was out of town, and because she did not want to get caught in her lie, they stayed close to the bungalow and avoided going into town at all costs. It was just easier that way. There was no reason for her boys, who had lost so much in their young lives, to deal with the reality that their mother had caused them to lose again.

Though neither boy had said the words out loud, Jordan knew Rob had come to mean a lot to them. It had been so long since they'd had a father figure in their lives, and Rob had shown them what it was like to be important to someone other than their mom.

Although she prided herself on her parenting skills, she'd never be one to go fishing or to run around a football or soccer field. It just wasn't who she was, and all boys deserved to have that opportunity at least once in their lifetimes. Her boys deserved to have every chance to have fun and follow their dreams with someone who completely understood them, someone who understood how little boys think. It was a role that only a father could fill.

To fill the void Rob left, Jordan and the boys did some of the schoolwork they had been avoiding and started to settle into a homeschool routine. Their mornings were spent on schoolwork, and she managed to incorporate marine life into their lesson plans, so it gave her the perfect excuse to keep them at home and make daily trips to the beach. The schoolwork was a necessity, but finding a way to stretch it out into a full day with only two students was a bit of a struggle. They walked the beach and studied shells and plant life, and Jordan breathed a great sigh of relief that the boys were interested in what she was teaching and seemed to enjoy the work she planned for them each day.

With one week left in their rental agreement, Jordan was seriously considering leaving sooner. Rob wasn't the only one who could just walk away. Just the thought of leaving her sunny little bungalow and Rob to return to her cold house full of bad memories in Raleigh made her ill. In truth, she hadn't felt well since Rob had left. Getting out of bed every morning was a struggle because she knew he would not be there. She got up for the kids' sake. It was important to her that they not know how upset she was; she was just finally starting to feel normal again after the accident, and now this.

Unfortunately, she was no closer to having her life in order than she had been when they'd first arrived. If anything, she was more confused. There hadn't been a time in their vacation when she'd sat down with the boys to discuss what they wanted to do with their lives from this point on. It was only fair to get their feedback, since any decision that was made was going to affect them as well. And, though she hated to admit it, Jordan had to own up to the fact that she was a major basket case who didn't want to make the wrong decision again.

By the time they were done with dinner on Sunday evening and there still had been no call from Rob, Jordan knew it was time to sit down and talk to the boys and discuss their future as a family.

As they worked together cleaning the kitchen, Jordan introduced the subject by recapping all the fun they'd had on their trip so far, choosing to omit any mention of all the things they had done that included Rob. Not an easy task considering most of the exciting things they'd done had included him.

Dammit.

“We've had a lot of fun together, right?” she asked encouragingly. “This wasn't such a bad idea after all, agreed?”

“Absolutely.” They nodded in unison.

“You know,” she began cautiously, “one of the reasons we came here was to get away from it all for a while and to think about our future together.” The boys stared at her expectantly as they came to sit around the kitchen table. “The thing is, guys, we no longer have to stay in our old house in Raleigh.” The words were said cautiously as she tried to gauge their reactions.

“Where would we go?” Jake asked, his brows furrowed in confusion.

“We can move wherever we want to. Have you ever thought of someplace you'd like to move to?” Now both boys were staring at her with wide eyes.

“We can live
anywhere
?” Jake asked, his curiosity piqued.

“Anywhere.” She nodded.

“How about Disney World? Can we live in Disney World?” Jake asked with a huge grin on his face, flashing a dimple.

“You don't
live
in Disney World, stupid,” Joseph replied with clear disgust. “You visit Disney, right, Mom? I mean, how stupid can you be?”

“I'm not stupid! Mom…”

“Okay, we're getting off topic here. But for the record, no, we cannot live in Disney World. I promise we'll try to visit there on a vacation, though,” Jordan said with a smile. “So, any other suggestions? Anyplace that you're thinking about, Joe?” she asked hopefully.

“Can we move here?” Joseph asked, and Jordan's heart stopped. She had feared one of them would ask, but certainly not Joseph, who had hated the thought of coming here just a few weeks ago.

“Why would you want to live here? You hated it here when we arrived.” Jordan knew she was getting defensive and her voice quavered a bit. She hoped the gentle reminder of how he had originally felt about the place would work to her advantage.

“Well, it's not as bad as I first thought. I mean, there's Rob, Miss Claudia and her kids, and the beach…” His list of reasons seemed to go on forever.

Soon Jake chimed in with reasons of his own.

“The movie theater…”

“Rob's restaurant is so cool…”

“Miss Claudia said the schools here were great…”

“I like the ice cream down by the beach…”

Jordan felt a headache coming on; she had lost control of the entire discussion and needed to reel it back in immediately.

“Okay, okay, I hear you. You like it here and I'm glad. We can make this an annual vacation spot, perhaps. But Virginia is only one state; we can go anywhere. Wouldn't you like to explore someplace new?”
Please, please, please,
she silently begged,
please have someplace else in mind that you want to move to. Anyplace else but here.

“Don't you like it here, Mom?” Jake asked, his big blue eyes full of hope.

“I do, sweetheart, really. It's just that I was thinking of trying someplace new, that's all. When I brought us here for vacation, I never thought of it as a potential permanent move for us.” Jordan tried to keep her voice even and calm, praying they didn't notice the slight tremor in it.

“We've always lived on the East Coast,” she reminded them. “We could try the West Coast! Maybe go to California? Disneyland is there. We could move close to it and be able to go all the time! Wouldn't that be fun?” Desperation was starting to set in. “Or maybe we could go to Texas and you could be cowboys! How cool would that be?”

“But what about Rob?” Joseph asked. “Why do we have to move away from him? He's been really cool to us and I just thought that…that…” He looked away. He quickly stood and tried to walk away.

“You thought what, baby?” she prompted, reaching a hand out to stop him before he could move. He looked at her with tears in his big, brown eyes.

“I just thought you guys were getting along great and that we could stay here with Rob and maybe he could be our new dad.”

Nothing could have braced Jordan for that statement.
Dammit!
This was exactly what she had feared when she'd first invited Rob to join them for dinner, and here it was becoming a reality. How did she explain to a child the complexity of a relationship she didn't even understand? How could she make a twelve-year-old understand his mother was too afraid of messing up again to take a chance on a relationship when she couldn't clearly rationalize it herself?

“We were getting along, Joe, but we can't just assume he'd want to marry me and become a dad. Things like that just don't happen overnight.”
Oh, but they did. “
We can see Rob again without living here, you know.”

“No we won't. We'll move away and then we'll get busy and so will he, and next thing you know, he'll forget all about us. Just like Dad did.”

Her heart lodged in her throat at Joseph's words. There was so much truth and wisdom in them that Jordan wanted to cry out in frustration.
This isn't fair!

“I am so sorry, guys. I've made a mess of everything,” she admitted sadly. “I keep thinking I'm doing the right thing for us but it all keeps turning out wrong.” She stood and walked to the sink to get herself a glass of water; her head felt ready to explode. Glass in hand, she turned to grab the bottle of ibuprofen and hoped it would magically work immediately when the room began to tilt and spin.

Jordan blindly reached out for the countertop to steady herself but missed her mark. The last thing she heard before everything went black was the terrified screams of her sons.

“Mom!”

* * *

The light is too bright.

That was the first thought that registered in Jordan's mind sometime later as her eyes began their attempt to flutter open. Her head was pounding and even the hushed voices around her sounded as loud as a marching band parading through her head.

With eyes tightly closed because the light had been too hard to handle, Jordan raised a hand to where her head hurt the most. There was a lump there and just touching it lightly made her wince.

“Easy now,” came a soothing voice. “Don't touch that. We'll get you some ice.”

Was that Rob's voice?

Forcing her eyes to open, Jordan looked over and saw Rob sitting beside her. Before she could say anything, a nurse appeared on her other side, hovering over her and asking her a bunch of questions, which Jordan answered to the best of her ability. Irritably, she wished the nurse would just shut up.

“What's going on?” Jordan finally asked. It even hurt her head to hear her own whispered words. Joseph stepped toward her, his face full of worry.

“You fainted, Mom,” he said through teary eyes. “You hit your head real bad on the counter and you were bleeding. I called 9-1-1 and then Rob and…and…” He started to cry again. He looked terrified, and Rob walked over and placed a reassuring arm around him.

Jordan looked over at Rob and he nodded somberly in agreement at Joseph's words. Jordan drank in the sight of him but couldn't get him to quite meet her eyes. Before she could say anything, the nurse started bustling about again.

Just listening to Joseph recount the story had Rob's heart racing. When he had answered his cell phone earlier and had seen Jordan's number on the caller ID, he'd felt more alive than he had since driving away from her bungalow that fateful night. But once he'd answered and heard the boy's frantic voice… It was a feeling he never wanted to experience again. He was in his car and driving toward the bungalow before Joseph had a chance to finish telling him all that had happened. And when he had arrived and seen Jordan bleeding on the ground… He had never known such fear. He was afraid to move her and cursed every moment until the EMTs arrived.

“What is the last thing you remember, Mrs. Manning?” the nurse asked, interrupting Rob's thoughts.

“The boys and I were sitting around the table and talking. I had a headache. I got up to get some water and ibuprofen and…that's the last thing I can remember,” she said solemnly. Rob took her hand in his and held it firmly, his expression grim. Jordan felt a little hope in that one simple gesture.

Simply nodding at Jordan's words, the nurse turned toward Rob. “Do you have the number for your wife's doctor back home?” Before Rob could even register the question, she went on, “It would be helpful for us if we knew the extent of her injuries. Your son mentioned she's suffered from dizzy spells before but, as you can imagine, there are dozens of reasons why a person can get dizzy. Have you noticed an increase in these spells since the accident?”

He knew his jaw was moving, but no words came out. Looking at Jordan, he silently willed her to step in and fill in the blanks. The feeling of helplessness was beginning to grate on his nerves.

She waited to see if Rob would correct the nurse, but luckily that subject got glossed over. Knowing he had no idea of the extent of her medical issues, she knew she'd have to be the one to answer all the questions, even though just whispering caused her great pain.

“If I stand up too quickly or sometimes when I step out into the sunlight, I get a bit dizzy, but I haven't noticed it happening much until the last week or so,” Jordan said quietly. “This is the first time it happened along with a headache.”

Another simple nod. “The doctor will be in to see you shortly but we're going to keep you overnight for observation,” the nurse stated as she made some notes on Jordan's chart.