It Wasn't Love at First Shalini and I (7 page)

She again gave me a confused look, but she let it pass. “So, had it
not been for a secure future, what would you have liked to do?”

I looked at her. And then I thought. And then I spoke “You know,
maybe it is easy for you to say that I am not following my dream but
am in this race against myself. That I have given up a good portion of
my life trying to do something I do not like. But you know what,
maybe all people are not meant to have dreams. Maybe, there are
supposed to be people like me. Because honestly, had I not studied
hard and had I not been in this college, I probably would not be
doing anything. I don’t have any grandiose dreams of being a cricketer
or being a movie star or making my own music. I am happy in going
to engineering college for four years, maybe do a post grad after that,
and then work five-six days a week and lead a happy content life.
Maybe, that is my dream. Maybe it is not. Maybe I have a dream
later in life, but right now, I am pretty content with whatever is
happening.”

She looked at me and smiled. “Okay. My idea was not to be preachy.
It was just that, I cannot imagine just doing something for the sake
of it. For example, my board exams are in a couple of months, and
here I am, in an unknown city, on an unknown road, running after
what I really want.”

I was pleased to hear that she did not say ‘an unknown person’. A
sense of pride filled me

 

“You really want me? Am I the reason you are here?”
She looked and me and laughed. A giggle which filled her face and
made her look prettier than what I could imagine anyone could look.

“Let me reiterate- here I am, in an unknown city, on an unknown
road,
with an unknown person
running after what I really want.” She
smiled, paused and continued. “No you idiot. I was here for the
music competition. I cleared the prelims and the final is tomorrow.
Idiot.”

I gave her a goofy smile. She continued. “My parents asked me
not to go. That I should study to get into a good college etc etc. You
know how parents are. But what is the point. I don’t want to be
going to a college and study maths and physics and complain about
it.” She looked at me, smiled again, and slipped in a sorry. I smiled
and let it pass. “I want to sing. I want to sing in front of the whole
world and this stage is just the beginning. You wait and see where I
reach.”

She had this thing in her eyes which made me believe what she
said, and I believe eyes more than words. We walked for some more
time. She thinking about where her voice would lead her, and me
thinking about her.

She spoke again. “So any regrets in life?”

“You know we are too young to be discussing such things. I am
eighteen. I haven’t lived enough to have major regrets. Though there
is one complain I have from God though.”

“What is it?”

 

“That it wasn’t a full moon the day we met.”

She blushed and said “I have one regret too. And believe me, I
think of it every night before I sleep. Why didn’t I push you out
from the train that day? I could see it on your face that you were shit
scared. God! Where do you get such cheesy lines? I am telling you,
leave this engineering crap, you should be making a cheesy love story.
And as a favour, I will sing in your movie for free.”

We both smiled and continued our walk and reached the place
where the girls from outside campus were staying.

 

“So this is where you have put up right. Your in time is 8:30 and
we have only 5 minutes left. I guess I will see you tomorrow then.”

She looked at me with those confused eyes again. “I am not going
in at 8 30. I am a girl living in a small town. It is not every day that
I come to Delhi alone. I am going out to explore the city. If you
want to tag along, be my guest, otherwise, yes, see you tomorrow.”

She said this and walked right past me, I ran behind her initially
trying to convince her to stay back but I knew better. We both
marched out of campus and got to the bus stand. We took the next
bus which came, not knowing where it was going, not knowing where
we wanted to go, but going nevertheless.

The bus was pretty crowded, considering the time, and we were
standing very close to each other. My hand was covering her back to
protect her. I could sense the uneasiness within me. I wanted to hold
her, feel her breath, smell her hair, get closer. We were looking into
each other’s eyes, me completely lost within, when suddenly, Shalini
started moaning.

“Aahh, uggghhh” and then a louder “aaaghhh”.

 

All eyes first went on her, then on me, then on her again, and then
on me again.

I gave a “I don’t have anything to do with this” look and in a jerk
removed my hand from her back but I could see the anger in the
people’s eyes. Before they could bash me, Shalini spoke

“I am pregnant and I cannot stand. I am in pain.” She again made
the “aaghh” sound. All the attention suddenly shifted to her. She had
no baby bump and even I was confused. Then it all made sense, she
had run away from home because she was pregnant and somehow
found me and was taking me along to wherever she was going. But
this did not make sense even to me. I felt ashamed thinking so.

People started staring at her, looking for an obvious baby bump.
But when a girl says she is pregnant, baby bump or no baby bump,
you don’t ask questions, you have to listen! So a couple sitting right
next to where we were standing got up and offered her a seat. She sat
down. She let out another “Aaagh” and looked at the lady sitting
next to her with a child like face, and then pointed towards me with
her eyes.

Clever trick, and I got it a little late. The lady got up and offered
me the seat. Apparently I was the father of the imaginary child and I
needed to sit with my
wife
.

Believe me, I did not look the part. But then, neither did she. But
no one dare question a pregnant woman. I looked at her and I could
see the smile within the grimace which she still had to put on as
everyone was staring at her.

The rest of the journey was comfortable as we both had a
comfortable seat to sit on. When asked by a suspecting aunty, Shalini
told her that we were having twins and that she was three months
into her pregnancy. She could say all this with such a straight face
that it made me laugh in wonder. The bus finally stopped and we got
off at the last stop, JNU. From one campus, we rode all the way
only to enter another, each with their own ways of life.

We walked around JNU aimlessly, talking about nothing and
talking about everything. Shalini told me that she had decided at the
age of four that she wanted to do something related to music. She
loved the way music could make her sleep, could make her getup,
could make her do anything. I said she was lying because at four,
some of us are not even toilet trained, but she said all that with such
conviction, and with her eyes, that she made me believe every word.
There was this passion within her when she talked about music, a
passion which was missing in my life so far, and maybe would never
come. She made me think for the first time about the choices I had
made in life and whether or not they were the right ones. But I let
the thought pass. My choices secured me a good salary, her choices,
only gave her a dream, which may or may not be fulfilled. I would
any day take the long car.

We walked our way around campus and reached the Partha Sarthi
rocks, the highest natural point in Delhi and sat down on the top.

If you ever want to take a girl anywhere in Delhi, this is the place.
And we happened to chance on it by mistake. The low lying clouds
had covered all our surroundings and it seemed as if we were on top
of a cliff with eternity beyond us and infinity below. We could hear
some rock musicians jamming at some point far away and I could
again see the passion within Shalini ignited on listening to the electric
guitar. There was an expression her face gave out when she listened to
or even talked about music. An expression which told me that her
body was with me, but her soul was with the music.

We continued sitting there for four hours. Sitting in complete
silence at times, and chit chatting the next. I was as comfortable with
her as I would be with anyone in my life. One of my friends had
once told me that if you could enjoy silence with a person, when
neither of you feel the need to fill in the holes of silence in between
the conversations, then, don’t let go of that person.

I felt every word of what my friend had said. Shalini asked me
what I wanted to do going ahead and I reiterated my plan of a nine to
five job with a fat paycheque and this time instead of asking me to
follow my passion, she just listened, and listened as if she was really
interested. When I finished my story of having two kids, she smiled.
I think she really did appreciate what I had thought for myself. I
might not have had any passionate dream, but I was focussed, and
that is what I think intrigued her. Then she told me what she wanted
to do.

Her love for music in her childhood had led her to see music in
everything and in every form and learn as many musical instruments
as she could. But as she grew, she realised her real calling was singing.
She was a trained Indian classical singer and in the last few years had
started to dabble into English rock. I told her that I thought that
both were very different styles of singing but she went back to the
basics that there are only seven notes in music, and your voice had to
integrate them together and can do that in any form. She told me she
wanted to do shows, she wanted to sing for people, she wanted to
sing for herself, that basically, she just wanted to sing. Whatever else
happened was just by the way. She looked so lively sitting on that
rock with me talking with such an energy about what she loved that
time ceased to matter. It flew at one time, and just stayed still the
other. Slowly the night got the better of us and we both fell asleep,
on top of the rock. I thought I would ask her to sing, for me, but I
thought that a better moment for that would come.

I woke up with the first rays of the sun. It seemed as if the trees
below us were mountains of snow and the boroughs in between were
valleys. The view was a spectacle in itself and next to me was something
even prettier. Shalini. Her hair wes covering her face and the gentle
breeze was making them sway around. The cold had made her go red
on the cheeks. I had given her my jacket at night and she was holding
on to it with her tiny pretty hands. I just kept staring at her and then
her eyes opened. The most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. I could see
the music in them. She saw me and smiled. We both took an eyeful
of the scenery in front of us and made our way back to the main road
to catch the bus back to my college. It was 7 am.

Her singing competition was to start in 4 hours. Not much was
said during the journey back and we parted ways near the girl’s hostel.
She looked at me and no one said anything. At least, our lips didn’t,
but my eyes said whatever they had to.

I came back to my room and Hari was already awake. He was
ready to go for a jog. He looked at me and repeated the same lines
“You are soo in love.” I smiled and enacted a duck in front of him. I
could not really enact a duck, it was more of a chicken, but he got
the point. He had been dismissed on the first ball yesterday, a golden
duck. He threw his shoe at me and we both had a good laugh about
it. He told me that even though he had failed to contribute; our
college had won the match. Apparently the umpire, our sports teacher,
had a big role to play in that. We were to have our second match
today and Hari was to have his last chance. So he had decided to get
up early and go for a jog. I asked him how that would help. He
didn’t seem to know but he said he was going anyways. The match
was scheduled at 11 am. He asked me if I would come and I could
not answer.

He understood, put his hand around me and said that I was going
to miss a miracle- his batting. I laughed it off and he nodded, smiled
and left. I rushed out as soon as Hari left. I had to get something for
Shalini. And I knew the perfect gift. I ran till the main gate and took
a bus to a place near the main terminal. I got off a couple of stops
before and the child was still there. He was selling small flutes. I had
noticed them yesterday when I was with Roshini and I just knew
how much Shalini would love it. I bought one and came back to the
hostel with a big smile plastered on my face. I took a small little nap
and then started to get ready. I used Hari’s hair gel for the first time.
I tried to get a dishevelled look, but then thought that it would
appear that I was trying too hard. So I washed it off with water again
and got back to my usual style. I wore a black shirt, blue jeans and
white sneakers. I was looking charming if not handsome. I shaved
for the second time in two days and at 10:30 was ready to go.

I reached the auditorium where the event was happening. The
participants had already arrived and I tried to spot Shalini. And there
she was, in a blue salwaar kameez, hair neatly tied up, her face devoid
of any nervousness but having a confident feel to it. I waved at her
and she waved back. The next thirty minutes passed by looking at
her.

The focus and importance which she exuded made her look even
prettier. And the competition began. All the participants were sitting
on the stage. As the prelims were over, there were ten of them and
each one of them was given 7 minutes to sing. Shalini was the first to
go. She sang a beautiful medley, starting with ‘Ae mere watan ke
logo..’ then changing the mood to naughty with “Piya tuu, ab to
aaja..” then going sensuous with “Aap jaisa koi..” and then rounding
it all off with Raag Bhairavi. There was thunderous applause when
she finished. It was breathtaking. It was beautiful. While singing, I
could feel her getting into the song, feeling the emotion, feeling the
pain, the joy, the lust, the melody in each of her performances. She
was beyond words. Her singing was beyond words. Slowly, the other
nine also completed their performance but no one matched Shalini.
And then it was time for the results. Our director was the special
guest and he came on stage to give away the prizes.