Chapter 61
Take Your Stinking Paws Off Me, You Damned Dirty Ape!
I don’t like to be touched . . . I mean by strangers . . . And people who have no business doing it. If we have that kind of relationship where we can be touching and squeezing and rubbing each other, you would be the first to know it. And it would be wonderful.
But we don’t have that relationship, so don’t presume it.
I don’t understand why it is that so many complete strangers are so touchy-feely all the time. There are basically two kinds of touchers, I think. People who have no sense of boundaries . . . and people who violate boundaries and don’t give a rat’s ass.
But wait, Whoopi, you say. Aren’t some folks just warmhearted nurturers who not only mean you no insult, but on the contrary, are offering their touch as a gift? Do you want to have an issue with someone who is sharing their warmth through physical contact?
Yes. Because they assume an intimacy we do not have. It’s bad manners wrapped up in a bear hug.
Still makes it bad manners to me.
Some folks will introduce themselves to you with an embrace that should be reserved for their wedding nights or dance club grinding. Or some come up behind and tug your elbow at the dinner table. Or try to say something they think is funny, and to make sure you are enjoying their joke . . . they’ll vise grip your forearm and give it a squeeze. Or sock you on the shoulder. Or shake your hand and will
not
let go. They talk and smile and keep squeezing . . . and squeezing . . .
If you are one of these clutchers and don’t know it—you do now. Think about it. Do you know you are doing it? Now that you read this, maybe you do.
Respectfully? Please stop . . . Please? If it’s cool to cross that physical line with a person, they will let you know.
And unless you are the Savior Almighty . . . and you are invited . . . don’t touch. Same goes for touching pregnant ladies.
Ask
, and most mothers-to-be will tell you how creepy it is to have folks both known and unknown to them placing one hand, and sometimes even two, on their bellies.
To be real clear, I’m not talking about some display of warmth from a soul mate. No, this is something else. And whether it’s an unwelcome sexual come-on, or some kind of display of power, or just some warm and fuzzy personal contact . . . unless this is the day spa and I have hired you for a licensed massage . . . don’t touch.
Thank you. Now give yourself a hand.
But just yourself.
Chapter 62
A Civil Person’s Truly Handy List: The Hands-Off List
To help you respect personal boundaries, here are a few touching behaviors to avoid:
• Unwanted hugs
• Tugging sleeves or elbows
• Prolonged or intimate hugs
• Touching pregnant bellies
• Boob grazing. You fool no one.
• Arm slugging
• Arm squeezing
• Lint picking
• Hair fixing
• Tickling
• “Free” shoulder massages
• Leaning
• Goosing
Chapter 63
A Civil Person’s Handy List: Behavior to Avoid in the Workplace
Beyond the obvious legal and ethical boners, you know, small things like embezzlement, fraud, misappropriation of funds, corporate spying, toxic dumping, and gunplay are the day-to-day, ground-level behaviors that you might want to stay away from at work. Things like:
• Gossip
• Office politics
• Desk snooping
• Boisterous behavior in an open office
• Sexual harassment
• Stealing food from the office fridge
• Leaving your rotten food in the office fridge
• Trashing the break room with your mess
• Taking the last of the coffee and leaving it empty
• Using the last of the copy paper and leaving it empty
• Eavesdropping on your workmate’s conversations
• Ignoring emails and phone calls
• Being late, disrespecting other people’s time
• Chewing out a coworker in a group setting
• Making fun of a coworker when they aren’t there
• Lying
• Lying about lying
• Taking credit for someone else’s work
• Shifting blame from your failed work
• Blatant ass-covering
• Secretive ass-covering
• Ass-kissing, both blatant and secretive
• Sneaking smokes in the office or bathroom
• Getting on the elevator reeking of smoke, perfume, or cologne
• BO is no picnic either
Chapter 64
Simple Requests for Portraying Black People
If you are making a movie, or a TV show, or a play, or a book with black characters in it, please remember:
It’s a baby’s mama, not a baby mama.
There is a
k
in “ask.” There is no
x.
And there are tenses: past, present, and future.
I asked.
I ask.
I will ask.
I repeat, there is a
k
in “ask,” not an
x.
An ax is something you chop wood with. Unless you’re an ax murderer. And if you do need to chop some wood, you don’t ax to use the ax.
And please put the consonants in all of our words. Especially a letter
g
at the end of words that have them . . .
. . . If that’s not axin’ too much.
Chapter 65
Questions You Should Ask a Week Before Guests Come to Your House
• Are you allergic to cats?
• Are you allergic to dogs?
• Does cigarette smoke bother you?
• Does marijuana smoke bother you?
• Do orgies bother you?
Be a good hostess. This is good behavior that makes everybody happy.
Chapter 66
Who Rules When It’s Not Your House?
Every house has its own rules. Some families are strict about some things . . . others not. What’s OK and not OK in my place may not be the same at yours. Kind of makes the world go round, doesn’t it? But that also creates a sort of . . . rules gap . . . and when your kids get older and start spending more time out of your house and in other people’s . . . it can be a problem. It’s usually a bigger deal if you are a parent with many rules and your child is having, say, a sleepover, at a house that runs a little looser.
The thing is, you’ve got to figure the other parents are not going to honor your rules when it’s not your house . . . They’re just not. And your kid is not going to tell you they’re breaking your rules if another parent says it’s all right. Now . . . you can say, “Listen, different families have different rules. When you are over there for your sleepover, you tell them you’re not allowed to watch R-rated films.” And the other parents, who think the R-rated film is just fine, will probably go, “Well, it’s OK, I’ll talk to your mother.”
They’re never going to talk to you about it. Never.
But here’s what you say to your child. “Lots of graphic violence might not be what you need to see. You might not need to see people having sex. You might
want
to see people having sex, but you don’t need to see it if you are thirteen years old. ’Cause sex will come around. So this is one of those situations where you’re at somebody’s house, and . . . unless they’re offering you alcohol—which is a definite no . . . you’re going to have to figure out how you want to play it. And I’m going to trust you to know what to do. Because now you’re having sleepovers and you’re at someone else’s home. Just know when you bring your friends over here, we’re not going to do that. We’re not going to be watching those things. And we’re going to be going to bed at eleven or midnight.”
It’s a tough thing to say to a kid, “You’re going to have to make a decision. And let me know what you decided. Just because I’m curious.” But . . . that’s empowering to a young person. If you make it OK for them to tell you that they’ve done something, they’ll always tell you because it’s not scary for them to do it. Because it’s encouraged.
“Just let me know. And it’ll be something you made a choice about. Now, I might ask you why you chose that . . . or why you chose this . . . but it’s a discussion. Because I raised you to really know where the line is. You watched an R-rated video? OK. You’re the one that’s going to have the nightmares. You smoked pot? That’s an issue. You know that’s not what we’re doing at thirteen. But if that’s happening, you need to let me know . . . So I can decide whether I want you to be over there if they get arrested. As opposed to having to come get you from jail.”
My kid was fourteen or fifteen when she got pregnant. I’m the first person she told. Now, she knew I wasn’t going to like it. But our relationship was such that she could tell me whatever’s happening and we’d figure it out. But she knew she didn’t need to be afraid of me. Or that I was going to be so mad that I was going to put her out.
And for me, that was a great thing, that she told me. And that she wasn’t afraid that I was going to do something ’cause she chose to do something that I would have suggested she wait to do. But kids . . . when they’re out there . . . kids make some bad decisions. Or not smart decisions for the time.
Now, I like the kid that she had. But did she need to have a kid at fourteen, fifteen? No.
And when I said to her, “What’s the plan, what do you want to do? Because if you’re old enough to go out and do this, you must know what your plan is.” And she said, “I want to have this baby,” and I said, “OK, I wish you’d double think it, just because you’re so young . . . but we’ll be there to help you.” Because that’s what choice is. Choice is just deciding what
I
think is best.
But I told her, “If you decide you’re going to have it, then I support you. Both emotionally and financially.”
That’s what defines a family. It’s forever, it’s unconditional. If you bring a kid into the world, I think it has to be unconditional. That’s the one rule.
Unless you live on a farm, you’re going to hear your neighbors. In the suburbs, they may not be as on top of your life as they are in an apartment building, but sooner or later, you’re going to get annoyed by some racket some neighbor is making at the wrong time for you.
What’s on your list? Leaf-blowers on Saturday morning? Late-night carpentry in the garage workshop, complete with routers and power saws? Playing that drum kit at all hours? Loud parties?
Well, I’ve done all those things. I’m not necessarily for all that, but I get it. And if you’re doing all that, and not thinking too much about the noise you’re making for your neighbors, you don’t know that you’re a bonehead.
So, here’s what I want to say to you . . . Just think about it. Think about whether you want to be playing those drums at four in the morning. But at the same time, when you’re drunk, you think you’re cool. And you think you
really
play the drums well. Hey. FYI . . . If your last name isn’t Starr? You might want to check.
Think about whether belt-sanding that door can wait until daylight. Or if the leaves can stay on the driveway until people have at least had a cup of coffee. As for the loud parties? Tough call. Who has a party that stops at ten p.m.? I mean, really? Isn’t that when most folks are just getting there?
And if you’re the one being bothered by the noisy neighbors, here’s what I want to say to you. As much as I wrote this book to talk about some of the annoying behaviors that are bugging the piss out of us in our crowded-together lives, the idea isn’t to become the Manners Cop of the World. Sometimes you just have to lighten up and accept the occasionally annoying things other people do as what you get with other people around. And how bad is it? Come on, honestly. How many late-night parties do you really have to deal with?
Want to retaliate? Here’s what you do. Don’t call the cops on them. You throw a party. And invite them. I would. Clearly they know how to have a good time.
The thing is, life’s gonna happen and it’s going to be annoying sometimes. But, hey, at some point, guess what? You’re annoying too. So be a human being.
Try. It’s not easy, but try.