Chapter 43
Role Models Will Disappoint You
When a famous person gets his ass handed to him in a public scandal, people just can’t get enough of the dirt. But then in the same breath, they shake their heads and say, “Pity too. He was such a role model.”
Drives me crazy.
This isn’t
Dirty Laundry
by Don Henley. This is real people’s lives.
And tell me something . . . Why do we have to discuss it 24/7? The truth of the matter is, there is no privacy anywhere. For anyone. Not when there is an entire industry that makes its fortune off of the misfortune of others.
And why is that considered OK? Am I the only one who is bothered that, in our society, instant damnation is the standard? “Off with his head!” . . . That’s become the starting point. Not, “Man, that’s really too bad.” Or, “I wonder if it’s true?” We start out with the premise that it is true. You used to be innocent until proven guilty. Until
proven
guilty.
What the hell is this idea of role models, anyway? I have a news flash. Role models are not who you want to be seeking out as blueprints for your life. If you are looking for a direction to go, you don’t want to be looking outside. Who is your role model?
You are.
Celebrity role models will just disappoint you. Know why? Because, in truth, they are role mortals. Humans.
And this is a big, dangerous thing. If you can’t assess right and wrong . . . what’s right for you . . . because you’re going to pattern yourself after someone else, here’s a question: Does that mean that they’re responsible if it doesn’t work out for you? See, just because I have lived my life a certain way is no guarantee that you’re going to have the same luck. So are you going to be pissed at me because it didn’t work out for you? You may find yourself rudely disappointed to discover there’s a lot I can get away with that you can’t. It’s a very, very tricky thing.
But the bottom line is this. A role model is really not—cannot be—someone who is not you. Because the only control you really have is of yourself.
If you are a parent, you might be wondering, OK then, how can my child learn to be his or her own role model? There is no simple answer. And know what? That is the whole point. Oh, man, if only it were as easy as patterning yourself after an icon. But it isn’t. So talk with your young ones. Let them know that it’s all inside, not outside. That’s where the values are.
Maybe it’s more mirror . . . less TV.
Tiger Woods. He never said he was a role model. He never said he was anything but a great golfer. And that’s all he’s obligated to be. Now, you like his life? You want to pattern yourself after him? OK, but it may not work out. (You may not have heard, but he’s had a few difficulties.)
What about Adam Lambert? He did what he was supposed to do on
American Idol
. Now . . . he’s openly gay and has always been sort of goth. Chances are he’s going to do things differently than someone else. So someone can’t boo-hoo if they watched a TV show where he was doing something shocking on stage and felt let down by their role model.
These people are only entertainers entertaining you.
Or athletes.
Or people you see on television or in films or on the news.
And remember . . .
We don’t know them
. And we cannot be pissed off when they are not who we think they’re supposed to be. Wouldn’t you be mad as hell if somebody looked over at you and said, “I’ve made you my role model and, therefore, you have to behave in the way I think you’re supposed to behave”? No one wants to hear that.
There’s big money in role models. Somebody’s known as a good golfer, and suddenly he’s the Wristwatch Person.
Except, you know what? He is the Wristwatch Person because he plays golf. But the marketing people think, “Well, if folks like the way he plays golf, they’ll want to wear what he wears. They’ll want to drive what he drives. They’ll want to invest the way that he invests.”
This has nothing to do with his character. They are selling an image to people who want to identify with a role model. That’s their deal. All the golfer does is swing the club and wear the freakin’ watch. That is the relationship.
That is the role.
Tiger Woods, as far as I can see, is just a great golfer.
I guess the question you want to be asking yourself is . . . what are you?
Chapter 44
A Civil Person’s Handy List: Role Models Who Have Disappointed Us
Not all of them are bad people. Some just hit bumps because they are mere mortals. Many of them have bounced back. But at one time or other, these so-called role models have made us go, “Say it ain’t so . . .”
• Tiger Woods
• O. J. Simpson
• Bernard Kerik
• Pete Rose
• Mark McGwire
• Sammy Sosa
• Lindsay Lohan
• Amy Winehouse
• John Mayer
• Whitney Houston
• Michael Phelps
• Kanye West
• Britney Spears
• Heidi Montag
• Michael Vick
• John Edwards
• Paris Hilton
• Miley Cyrus
• Chris Brown
• Eliot Spitzer
• Rush Limbaugh
• Benedict Arnold
• Vince “ShamWow” Shlomi (if you’re curious, look it up)
This list means nothing . . .
. . . As long as you are not on it.
Chapter 45
How Do I Look? And Tell the Truth
If you’re a woman, and you don’t want the truthful answer to a question . . . don’t ask it! Just don’t.
“Does this dress make me look fat?” might be one to avoid.
Now—you could always say, “I need you to lie to me right now.” Personally, if I were in a relationship with someone and asked that, guess what? . . . I would love that man so much more if he said, “Yeah, baby, it does make you look fat. And it doesn’t look that good on you.”
He’s my man, why would he lie?
Because as hot as you think you look, if your old man doesn’t think you look hot, and he’s walking behind you going, “Oh, my God, her ass is hanging out,”
you are not looking hot
.
Flattery isn’t good behavior. Flattery is sometimes dishonest behavior. Come again? Didn’t anybody ever read
The Emperor’s New Clothes
?
Women, do not ask the question unless you want to hear the truth. Because the only time I ask, “Do I look weird in this?” is when I want somebody to tell me, A, no you don’t. Or, B, you do. And I only ask people whose opinions I actually care about.
And to me, those things are important. When it’s more important that you’re lied to in a relationship . . . check yourself. Something’s wrong.
Now, what I’ve heard on
The View
is that—apparently—women don’t want the truth, so men don’t tell the truth to women about how they look. They just lie.
I don’t understand it.
Why wouldn’t you want the person that you spend the most amount of time with . . . or the person that you sleep with . . . to tell you the truth—that you don’t look good and to change your clothes? Why would you want that person to let you out of the house looking like hell?
Why wouldn’t you want to know that man thinks enough of you to say, “Listen, that does not flatter you. You don’t look good in that. Especially when you turn that way. You look like the side of a building. That’s not the right thing for you to wear if you want to look good. And I don’t care if you bought it and you thought you looked good . . . You don’t! I’m telling you. You’ve got the sides fat there, you’ve got the belly fat there, I can see your stuff, your stuff is hanging . . .”
OK, maybe that’s too much truth. But you catch the drift . . . Right?
If you ask the opinion of someone you care about, you should be prepared to hear the truth and not be angry. And if you are angry, is it at him for being honest, or are you mad because you knew when you had to squeeze into that (because you’ve put on a few pounds), that it might not work out the way you wanted?
But see, once you put that conversation in another person’s hands, it’s no longer what
you
want. It’s not about you anymore. It’s about you saying, “You fulfill my fantasy, but will you please fulfill it the way I wish you would fulfill it?”
And if you want a relationship based on “wishful truthing,” where does it end? Clothes? . . . That is just the beginning.
If you ask, “Am I the best you ever had?” be prepared, because the honest answer could be, “Well, no . . . But you’re the best for me right now. And here’s what you can do better for me, and here’s what I think I can do better for you. You want to tell me what I can do better for you? I will try to do that.”
Now
that’s
a conversation.
Working through this is hard. A relationship is the day-to-day work. The hour-to-hour, the minute-to-minute stuff. And usually . . . just asking one question about something small can suddenly lead you onto some very rough road. If you want the truth, buckle up.
Which is probably why everyone just told the emperor his threads were cool.
All right, I’m going to try to help you out with something here. You do want some practical skills after reading this book, right? I mean, it can’t all be beauty and entertainment.
What I’ve got to share with you is one way to keep yourself from slipping into one of the nastiest of bad habits.
Gossip.
Yeah, sure, I know all that is just human nature. Is it the best of human nature?
No. And it affects so many.
We are all vulnerable to snooping and running our mouths off about things that aren’t any of our business. So to fight off the urge, stop and ask yourself three simple questions:
1. Does it put any food on your table?
2. Does it enhance your life in any way?
3. Does it affect your personal being?
If you answer “No” to any of these . . .
Butt out.
And it ain’t easy . . . believe me, I know. Every day I know. I’m human too. I feel the pull to check out the latest gossip. Maybe just one bitty peek. You know what it’s like. It’s a constant struggle not to succumb to the Dark Side.
Most days I win, but many days I don’t.
But I keep trying.
Chapter 47
You Realize I Can See You
I smoke. And this is one of those things that gets me sort of nuts. If you’re standing outside, and you’re smoking because you’ve been forbidden to smoke anywhere—except in this microscopic patch of area—people walk by you . . . and wave their hands in the air.
The commentary is unnecessary.
Why? Because people are already standing outside feeling like criminals to start with. Inside, it’s made very clear:
“If you smoke in this room YOU WILL GO TO JAIL!”
It’s pretty deep. But people walk by and they cough. And I always want to say, “What point is there to you coughing? What is this supposed to do except piss me off?”
So why would they do it?
We hear all about the smokers who don’t have manners and how they get smoke in other people’s faces. But there’s no conversation at all about smokers who have complied—and yet they are still getting crap!!
If you are one of these self-deputized, self-righteous smoking vigilantes, I want to talk to you. And I want to ask, what is the effect on your life if I am standing outside in twenty-one degrees—alone—smoking?
Does my cigarette bother you, or is it the idea of my cigarette?
And what is going on here? Why have we lost the ability to hold our opinions to ourselves when someone is doing something that is legal? As much criticism as there is about smoking,
it’s still legal
. If you are of age, you can go in and buy cigarettes. And do you know why? Because no state is going to get rid of smoking because . . . they want the revenue. So I question the health czars who say, “Oh, smoking’s bad for you,” and yet your state—your legislature—isn’t getting rid of the cigarettes because they want the tax money.
So really now . . . Does anyone really care what I’m doing?
Which is it? Because you can’t have it both ways. You can’t be pro my health and then put cigarette ads out everywhere. And keep selling them.
And you know what else? You don’t have to exacerbate a situation because you’re feelin’ prissy.
Think about this. We agree that people have positive and negative opinions about drinking, right? Right. But it is still legal if you are of age . . . just like cigarettes. Follow along with me. What would it be like if you were quietly enjoying a cocktail, and someone came into the bar and went, “You know, you’re gonna hit something because you’ve had that drink. You’re a drunk.”
Or if they walked by and did a hiccup instead of the cough.
People smoke, and they’re going to continue to smoke. It’s like people drink, and they’re going to continue to drink. Smokers already know the rap, that’s why they’re outside like criminals. Someone doing the right thing . . . complying with the rules and standing in two-degree weather . . . doesn’t need a comment from you.
Why do you even need to? What is it doing for you? Does it make you feel better? What’s wrong in your life? That’s what you should be thinking about.
If I’m over in the corner smoking my cigarette, leave me alone. Leave me alone. I’m away from you because you say cigarettes bother you, but you make it a point to be close enough to comment so I hear you, so I guess you can’t be that concerned, because you’re over here.
And what are you trying to do anyway, start a fight? There are some people who get very upset about this. They say, “This is the one thing in my day . . . I’ve been in that cubicle . . . waiting for this moment. My cigarette break. And now you’re ruining it. And why are you surprised if I get in your face?”
See, these are things that get me all worked up too, because I’m not bothering anyone. And what I do in my personal life has no effect on others.
If you say, “Oh, I have asthma,” or “I’m allergic,” or “I can’t breathe if you’re smoking,” most people will say, “OK, I’ll go outside or I won’t smoke by you.” But this idea that all smokers—all people who smoke—are easy targets just makes me nuts.
Now. If somebody’s clipping their toenails on the train, you get to comment on that. You get to actually go, “Could you not do that?” Because it’s unsanitary. I don’t know where your feet have been. I don’t know what those claws are carrying. I don’t know what you’ve been doing.
But if I’m outside, all by myself, enjoying my cigarette in peace . . . I’ll make you a deal. I promise not to blow my smoke your way if you promise not to pretend I just did.
Hey . . . maybe we can make this work after all.