His thoughts drifted, and logic began to escape him. What had he been thinking about again? Something to do with Cooper? Maybe Cooper would be back tomorrow ... maybe he could make Luke breakfast. Luke hoped so. He hadn't eaten dinner, and he was hungry.
*~*~*
The house was silent when he awoke, and it was obvious that Cooper hadn't returned in the night. Luke's hunger propelled him out of bed, and he went and fixed himself a bowl of cereal. He was really starting to worry about Cooper now; the dread festered in the pit of his stomach. What if he never came back? What would Luke do? Should he call the police? But Charlie had said he did this all the time and that he'd come back when he was ready.
Luke got up and dumped the leftover milk down the sink. He was starting to get a little miffed at Cooper too. Didn't he know how much Luke must be worrying? Didn't he care?
That doubt again. Did Cooper even care about Luke at all? Or did he just want him for his body? Luke didn't know why the idea upset him so much. It wasn't as if people didn't try to make him do and feel things all the time. Maybe it was just the last straw. Or maybe it was because, despite every reason not to, he was starting to like Cooper quite a bit. And he hoped—he really hoped—that Cooper liked him back too; as more than just a plaything.
Of course, Cooper had said as much, that he didn't,
couldn't,
just play with Luke. But he'd also said that he wanted to, and that he'd only been stopped by his guilty conscience. So did that make him any better, really? Luke didn't know, and it bothered him that he didn't know, especially when the answer decided whether or not Cooper really cared for him.
Luke was lucky he didn't have to attend any classes today. He didn't think he could focus. But hanging around the house going insane with worry didn't seem like a very appealing option either. Best to head to school and get some more work done on his flower paintings and maybe when he returned from school, Cooper would be there. He didn't know how he would react to seeing him. Whether he would shout at him or hit him—or kiss him.
A million scenarios played in his mind throughout the day as he rode the bus to school and worked unsuccessfully on his painting, until he became desperate to see Cooper again, if for no other reason than he needed to know what would happen. Luke
needed
to talk to him, to confirm that Cooper did care about him, as more than just a project or a toy. He wanted a
relationship
with Cooper, a good, healthy one, and he needed to know that Cooper wanted that too. The obsession, not knowing, was driving him crazy. He had to distract himself.
He packed up his things and headed to the library computer lab. The internet would likely yield some form of distraction for him. He plopped his bag down next to the stall and sat heavily in the swivel chair, swinging himself closer to the table and logging on automatically.
Maybe Cooper had a Facebook. Luke had just logged on and begun to search when a familiar chat box popped up in the corner of his screen. In the millisecond before Luke's eyes flicked downwards, he stupidly, ridiculously hoped that it was Cooper.
Of course it was Brody. Luke sighed aloud. He wasn't going to put up with any shit from Brody. He wasn't in the mood for it.
Brody Shen:
Luke! I'm so glad ur okay! youll never believe what aunt gloria told me happened.
Luke rolled his eyes.
Luke Lei:
I probably will. Hey Brody, how can you tell if someone is using you? You know, like they don't actually care about you, they just like manipulating you into doing what they want.
Brody took ages to reply, even though Luke was itching to type more.
Brody Shen:
What? Luke, they said that they came to get you from that guy you were living with and he threatened them!
Luke Lei:
Well he didn't, they're making that up. Anyway, I guess I sort of answered my own question, didn't I? It's when they make you do something you don't want to do, right? What they want is more important than what you want.
Brody Shen:
and they said they wanted to go to the police about it to get u back but the police are really biased and they might not believe us
Luke Lei:
Nope, they probably won't. But listen if people care about you they let you make your own decisions, right? Because they respect you.
Brody Shen:
What? Luke, I do respect you!
Luke Lei:
I'm not talking about you, Brody, I'm not even paying attention to you, you're just spouting G&M's bull.
Luke Lei:
Okay, that was harsh. But you know, Cooper never made me do anything I didn't want to do. Even when I don't know what I want, he encourages me to find out. And he listens and tries to help me figure out what's best for me, instead of just talking over me and being all sure that he knows what's best. That's the important part, right? Maybe he's not perfect, but he cares about my feelings. What I want. Maybe I need to start caring more about what I want too.
Luke's heart was beginning to beat hard. He hated how every single conflict made him stressed like this, even online ones. But he didn't mind as much as he used to, maybe because he knew that he was finally standing up for himself.
Brody Shen:
well it sounds to me like you're being pretty selfish already.
Luke Lei:
Well, what's wrong with that? I'm allowed to do things for me, you know. I'm allowed to make my own choices. It's my life, and my body.
Brody Shen:
just because you have control of your body doesn't mean you have to do gross things with it luke
Luke Lei:
oh grow up Brody. Why do you care so much anyway?
Brody was typing for a long time and Luke almost gave up and logged off.
Brody Shen:
because we care about you luke. Look i think aunt marabeth and gloria are going to come talk to you at work tomorrow okay?
Luke Lei:
great. I'm excited.
He shut the window impulsively and stared at the desktop, his eyes glazed. Well, it had been good to have that chat, actually. Talking to Brody—or talking at him, more like—had helped him figure out his feelings a little. There was nothing wrong with doing what Cooper wanted as long as it was what Luke wanted too, and Cooper wasn't trying to force him into it. Maybe Cooper wasn't a perfect lover, maybe Charlie was right and he was self-absorbed, and maybe Cooper was right and he was fucked up, but Luke
wanted
him. He wanted him so badly, and it was time he started doing what he wanted, without feeling guilty.
For a moment he wondered if maybe that was what Cooper needed too—to be himself without feeling guilty. Luke wished he could help him with that. Because as much as he wanted to be with Cooper, he didn't want to be with the "asshole" that Cooper wished he was. He resigned to tell him that—if he ever saw him again that was. His stomach lurched with worry.
Luke opened the internet again and, being careful to avoid going back to Facebook, searched for Cooper's name. He was unsuccessful, but then he had the brilliant idea of searching for "liam cooper tattoo." If Google was anything to go by, he'd once had a website, but it had since been shut down, his portfolios removed. However, there were still a few remnants. A bit of digging revealed several personal blog posts with photos of Cooper's tattoos, and they were beautiful. Luke didn't know the first thing about tattoos, but he was an artist, and it was obvious that Cooper knew what he was doing. Most of them were very cartoonish and blocky, but with obvious technical skill behind them. Luke wondered if Cooper had studied art professionally. Why had he never asked him?
*~*~*
But Cooper wasn't home to ask when Luke got there. He'd rushed home and breathlessly ran up the stairs, only to open the door to a deserted apartment. He slumped into the living room, his excitement dissipating, and dropped his bag onto the floor. It landed with a muffled thump.
"Cooper!" he yelled, even though he knew there would be no reply.
There was no note. Nothing was out of place. No sign that anyone had been in the house. What if Cooper never came back?
He had to distract himself. He went into the bathroom, pulling his shirt over his head as he did so, and slid his pants down. It felt good to take his clothes off, like removing armour. His reflection blinked back at him as he leaned forward to examine it. What did Cooper see when he looked at Luke? Was it his brown, skinny body, plain face and slanted eyes? Or did he like the smooth darkness of his skin, the lithe muscles and curves of his body, the full cupid's bow of his lips, and the inky blackness of his eyes? Maybe Cooper didn't mind that. Luke had spent so long hating how he looked, barely glancing in the mirror unless he had to. Maybe he had forgotten to look for the good things.
He wondered how he'd look with tattoos like Cooper's. Stupid, probably. Maybe with not as many as Cooper, but ... he frowned at his reflection, his eyebrows knotting into a puzzled, dissatisfied expression. He looked ... he looked
boring.
Especially when compared to Cooper, with his warm eyes and his decorated skin and his earrings. Cooper looked like someone interesting, someone scary and off-putting, maybe, but someone with a story. Luke just looked ... blank.
Well, that was enough of that. He stepped into the shower and let the warm water run over his body, lulling him into some semblance of peace. He ran his hands over himself and his body reacted to the feeling. He swallowed back the automatic guilt. Nothing wrong with feeling good. He slid his hand down to his cock and began to run his fingers over himself. Thoughts of Cooper flowed into his mind. Face, muscles, hands ...
He couldn't help but laugh at himself when he nearly lost his footing. The shower was for getting clean, not jacking off. He could continue that in bed.
He dried off quickly, eager for the warm softness of Cooper's bed. Luke had never slept in such a large bed before, and it felt good to stretch out under the blankets, though it was a bit empty. He rolled over onto his stomach, letting the sheets slide over his body and rub silkily against his skin. They caught between his legs and rubbed up against him, and he reached down to move them, his fingers brushing between his thighs as he did so. Oh, that felt good. He slid up onto his knees a little, one hand reaching down to slide over his cock, the other moving tentatively but purposefully back between his thighs, exploring where it felt good. Light touches felt best, brushing against the sensitive skin with his fingers. How much better would this feel with another person touching him? Why had he waited so long to find out?
Of course he knew why. The idea of another person, someone he didn't know, touching him there so intimately would normally be terrifying, repulsive. But not Cooper. He remembered how Cooper's lips had felt against his, the way his hands had felt on Luke's body. The shiver of pleasure he'd felt when ...
A surge of lust welled up through him at the memory, and his grip on his cock hardened reflexively. He pumped himself a few times, feeling himself harden and swell with anticipation. Slowly, adjusting himself, he brought his free hand up to run the fingers over his nipple.
Oh.
Yes, that was it. Shivers of pleasure, like little electric shocks, awakened more and more desire every time he touched himself. He pumped his fist over his cock again and twisted his nipple, hard.
"O-oh! Ohhh ... mmm ..." Luke pressed his face into the pillow, a little startled by his own noises. "God, fuck," he murmured. "I want ..." Did he really want that? His back arched a little, and he could feel his body bending backwards, his ass moving upwards towards a non-existent partner. Cooper. Cooper inside him ... could he really do it? Could it really feel good?
All right, he'd decided. He was going to try it. Luke let himself fall back onto the bed, then turned over quickly and pushed the blankets off of himself. He spread his legs, lifting his cock and balls out of the way with one hand, still pumping rhythmically, almost hypnotically, over his cock, and sliding a finger down the seam, to explore lower ... It felt good, so very sensitive and new. He'd never touched himself before, not like this, and the novelty distanced him somehow. It felt almost as if it was someone else touching him. Someone else making him feel these things.
He moved his finger, pressed it up against his opening. Was this right? It felt good, sensitive but ... strange. How was he supposed to move? Was he supposed to use something? He didn't know. He didn't know anything. The few movies he'd watched through a haze of guilt and fuzzy pixels hadn't given any indication of how difficult this would be. Annoyed, he pressed his finger in, ignoring his body's protests, until the tip was pressed in and the ring of muscle was tight around it. Was this it? Was it supposed to feel good? He was probably doing something wrong, because all he felt was slight discomfort. Maybe he should get something slippery to help, but he didn't know what to use, and the idea of shoving foreign liquids into himself wasn't very appealing.
Maybe just a bit deeper. He moved his finger a little, pressing deeper and gasped suddenly as sharp pain ran up his spine, and after it, a strange electric pleasure. Was that it? His cock was still hard, despite the pain. It was because of the situation, he realized. He was lying, legs spread, in another man's bed with a finger up his ass. If only that man could see him now.
There was still a little discomfort—it had been quite painful—but it had definitely felt good as well. He ran his hand up and down his cock a couple of times, coaxing his body into familiar pleasure. Maybe he should just get off this way now. But as the pain receded, his body seemed to ache for more. He pressed his finger deeper and convulsed again, tightening around his finger.
Ow
! No, no, too much. He pulled his finger out quickly and the pleasure returned in full force, shooting all the way up his spine like a shock.
"Whoa," he whispered. "Okay, again."
Oh, that felt good. Luke slid his finger in again, quickly, and then withdrew to feel that same shivering pleasure. "Mmm ..." Oh, he hadn't meant to make that noise! Ah, it felt good, though, and there was no one around to hear. Did sex feel this good? Real sex, with a man ... So this was what all the fuss was about. He jerked his finger, moved it inside himself. He could feel his brow furrowing, his body almost confused, overwhelmed by feeling. "God, yeah ..." His back arched off the bed, and he threw his head back. If only Cooper could see him now. If only Cooper could be in him now. Cooper on top of him, his body warm and heavy, moving inside him. Yes, that was definitely what he wanted.