Authors: Sarah Ann Walker
Slowly, I feel more and more like
Suzanne.
Slowly, I am
believing
I am Suzanne. Slowly, I am
becoming
the Suzanne I always wanted to be.
==========
I'm expecting Mack any minute now. He always arrives by 8:30am on Saturdays. He is always here. Mack is a light for me. My angel. Mack is truly an amazing, remarkable man.
If I could wish to have a romantic love, it would be with Mack, or rather Mack’s exact replica. But I don't want a romantic love, and I don’t want Mack. And we never will be romantically involved, and we're both okay with that. We need that sexual/emotional distance.
I
need it, especially.
Having no romantic attachments has been the only thing I could rely on during this last three and a half months of hell. Because of this romantic
disinterest
and detachment for Mack, I could talk to him openly about all the bad sex stuff, in detail. I could talk to him without fear of judgment or even disgust by him, because he is
just
my Doctor but
mostly
my friend.
Not that I
could
disgust him. Lord knows I should've by now, but he never has been. Once in a while he would choke up, or suddenly take me in his arms to comfort me, though I suspect some of the time, he needed some comfort as well. Most of the time however, he could seem completely immune to the horrors I recounted and relived with him, and it was this seeming emotional detachment to the horrors, which allowed me to tell of the events honestly and freely without fear of judgment.
Mack can stay sane and impartial when I need it. But he also seems to know, or to understand when I need him to react, and he does so accordingly. He seems to
always
know what I need,
when
I need it. Even when I have no clue what I need from one moment to the next, Mack always does. Mack seems to always know when I need
him
and when I need my solitude.
Now, months later, we are so comfortable with each other and our friendship, we can joke and talk about
normal
stuff too. He even sits and watches TV with me in my room, or sometimes Mack even talks about his own life with me, like friends would. We have an actual
friendship
with each other. He even confides in me, and trusts me with a few secrets of his own, and I love him all the more for his trust in me.
Once, after a particularly grueling session early on, I jokingly threatened to report him to the Psychiatric Review Board for being 'inappropriate', when he had taken me into his arms for a huge, comforting hug, (which I had desperately needed at the time.)
Pulling away from me, Mack grinned and said, "I dare you. I'm the Doctor and you're just the
crazy
patient. Who do
you
think they'll believe?" And that was it. He issued a threat with humor, and I wasn't afraid of him. I just
understood
he was teasing me. We broke the doctor/patient barrier, and became honest friends.
Mack and I have even talked about my 'neediness'. I was afraid I was making him too important in my life because I've never had a real, good, loving friend before. And as usual, Mack was okay with my neediness and all the attachment I place on him. Mack explained that, ‘yes, I was in fact holding onto him tightly and yes, it could develop into an emotional dependency, but that he would monitor it closely, and make sure I didn't become 'crippled' by my emotional attachment to him’.
I remember exhaling and thanking him for being smart enough to know when I was panicking, and when I was too needy. Mack just smiled and said "Why wouldn't you want me close? I'm doctorly serious, good looking, and dorky fun... What better guy to want by your side?" And it is
that
Mack that I love.
Mack is my ‘forever friend’. I actually
have
a ‘forever friend’ in Mack, which is awesome. He is
'my person’
too. I remember watching Grey's Anatomy with Mack one night, a show I had never seen before that particular night with Mack (to his utter horror.) After I told him I liked it, he ran out and bought a small TV/DVD combo for my room, and the first 6 seasons of the show for us to watch together.
When I first heard Christina call Meredith ‘
her person'
, I burst into tears. Crying, I just stared at Mack. He said not a word, just smiled and nodded at me, which of course, made me cry harder. Mack just knew, understood, and accepted his role in my life, as ‘my person’.
Mack has even told me he
loves
being ‘my person’, and after that night we made 'Relax Night'. So, every Sunday and Wednesday we watch two, sometimes three episodes of Grey’s Anatomy together. We're up to season 6 now, and Mack is excited to buy all remaining season box sets for us.
I love Mack. Honest and truly. He is everything to me, without all the romantic, sexual, or physical
stuff
getting in the way
.
And though he tells me I'm attractive when I'm feeling particularly low, or vulnerable; Somehow he manages to say it convincingly, without freaking me out, without making me
sexually
nervous or scared of him.
Mack is an attractive,
tall
man. But somehow he has made himself ‘my person’, my doctor and my friend, while never threatening me, or making me fear him. He is truly an amazing man, the only truly good man I have ever known, and I thank god every day that he was brought into, and
chose to stay,
in my life.
"Good morning, Suzanne. How was your night?"
"Very well, Dr. MacDonald. How was yours?" I grin. I'm practically bouncing in my chair. Come on.
Come on!
Tell me!
"My evening went quite well. Thank you for asking."
Dammit!
"FINE! I'll beg… HOW WAS IT?!"
"Good." He smirks.
"Ugh! You’re such an ass! Mack spill it, or I'll hit you, I swear to god! You know I will. You know I
can
, actually..." I giggle.
"Yes, I know. Don't remind me." He says laughing.
Dammit. I can't take it anymore. I charge him. Running for him, I grab him around the waist and squeeze tightly.
"I swear to god, if you don't talk I’ll go
postal
all over your ass, and then you’ll have to start all over again with me. Tell me!"
And pulling away from me, Mack finally smiles. Like a real smile. Oh, this is going to be good.
Walking away from me, Mack sits in his chair, leans back, calmly crosses his legs in front of himself at the ankles, takes a long, slow sip of his coffee and studiously
ignores
me. Jesus
Christ!
I’m gonna kill him! He’s totally messing with me right now. The bastard!
Finally, he speaks. "Last night went very well. Kayla and I had a great time. She was charming and funny, and she has a truly
wicked
sense of humor. She actually kept me on my toes all night, but it didn't feel exhausting, it felt very exciting."
"AND...?"
Jeez...
I'm
dying
here.
"And
what?
We had a very good time. She said she wants to see me again. She thinks I'm a perfectly 'respectable' doctor, though she said she hopes to make me a little
un-respectable.
"
"Holy
SHIT!
SHE SAID THAT?!"
"Yup." He’s smiling so big now that he’s absolutely adorable to me.
I have wanted Kayla and Mack to hook-up for months now. Actually it seems like I have wanted Mack and Kayla to get together forever. I was just shy of obsessed with the idea. But he insisted
I
was his priority at this point in time, no matter how much
I
insisted otherwise. I was really feeling bad about it. I wanted Mack to have a life, but it felt like his whole life revolved entirely around me and my drama.
Finally, after secretly talking to Kayla, I convinced Mack to call and ask her out. Apparently she teased him right from 'hello', and Mack was smitten immediately. God, I hope this works out. It seems like it could. They are both just so great, so it seems like they should be great
together.
When my phone rings I jump, but reach for it anyway. Old habits die hard apparently.
"Hello?"
"Is he there? Don't say anything if he is! Is he?" Oh,
shit
. It's Kayla.
"Yes, um, thank you."
"Do you know how to play this game? Come on Suzanne, have you ever played the
'answer all the questions without answering a single question obviously'
game?"
What?!
"No, but thank you for asking." Was
that
good?
"Dammit. You
suck
at this." Giggle.
"I'm sorry, I
am
trying. This is my first time you know," I say as another giggle escapes.
"Oh, shit. You're gonna give me away, I know it."
"Thank you. I'm sure I can handle that..." I can't stop smiling.
T
his is so much fun. Do people actually play this game?
"Fuck. Fine. Did he say he had fun? Did he like me?" Kayla begs.
"Yes, that's right. I'm sure that's what was said at the time."
"Okay, you're not
too
bad at this game. Is he looking forward to seeing me again?"
"Yes, thank you again. It was
wonderful.
.. ah, hearing from you."
"What the hell does
that
mean? Are you hanging up on me?!"
"Ah... no. It was wonderful, as I said."
"Oh. That's good. Did he say he had a good time with me, um, in bed?"
"
WHAT?!
NO, he didn’t!"
Shit.
"HE DIDN’T HAVE A GOOD TIME WITH ME IN BED?!”
"No! No, that wasn't what I meant."
Shit! Mack is right beside me now with his doctorly face on. I can tell he's just itching to grab the phone. He always gets involved when I get the bad calls.
Dammit.
This is too stressful. He thinks I'm freaking because of someone bad. Kayla's freaking ‘cause she thinks he didn't think she was good in bed. Argh. What do I do?
"Um, one moment, please." I hear Kayla yell
'what?!'
as I cover the phone on my chest.
"I'm fine Mack. It's nothing. Would you mind if I had a little privacy for a minute. Just a few minutes, I promise."
"Suzanne, you are obviously getting stressed out. Who is it? What are they saying to you?"
"Ah, it's...." Oh my god. I can't think. I've totally drawn a blank.
"Suzanne. Let me handle this for you."
"No! It's fine! I'm fine!"
"Suzanne... What’s wrong? Please tell me. No secrets, remember?"
"Um..."
"Suzanne, I can't help when you don't tell me what's going on, and how you're feeling. I need to know. You
know
this."
"It's not like that Mack..." Crap. I can't lie to him. "Okay, fine! It's Kayla. And she's playing a game called something like
'answer all my questions without letting him know you're answering my questions obviously'
, or something like that. I don't know. I think I suck at it, but in my defense, I've never had a friend before, so I've never played it before, so it's not
really
my fault if I suck at it!" There! I spilled. Big exhale.