I am HER... (78 page)

 
“That’s your choice.  I wouldn’t subject my name on anyone.  Whatever you want Suzanne- you choose your name.”

 
“Okay,
Mr.
Zinfandel…
”
 

                                 ==========

  In the morning, after a wonderful breakfast, and a tedious clean up of all last night’s dishes, Z and I remain remarkably relaxed with each other.  We’re happy and very much like a new ‘couple’, with a definite excitement in the air.  I catch myself grinning and smiling all the time.  I actually look like a bit of a dork, another Mack trade off, I think.  Actually, I really should call Mack.
  "I'm just going to go give Mack a call.  Is that alright?"
  "Suzanne, shy of running away from me, you never have to ask my permission for anything,
ever
.  And regarding Mack, there is nothing you ever need to explain, or tell me.  I know what he means to you, and I know what you mean to him.  Mack has made no secret of the fact that he loves you very much, and would move mountains to help you.  I could never,
ever,
begrudge anything between you two.  Mack gave you
Suzanne
back and he helped give
me
Suzanne.  I can never thank Mack enough for all he's done."
  "Me either.  I tell him all the time how much I love him, and how wonderful and special he is, and he just grins and shrugs.  He takes everything I say as if it doesn't matter;  when to me, it matters immensely.  I
love
him, Z... platonically of course- But I love him dearly and I think I will always need Mack in my life, separate from you.  Can you handle that?  Will it ever be too much for you?"
  "No.  I know he doesn't have romantic feelings for you, and that's the only thing that stopped me from going crazy myself when you would only see him and not me.  But I understand it.  I'm glad you found that with Mack.  He's been my best friend for 25 years, and there is no one I trust more with your life or even with my own life.  So go talk to Mack.  Do whatever you need to do. I only ask that if you
can
talk to me, or if issues arise for you
regarding
me, I beg that you try to talk to me as well, so you and I can work things out together."
  "I will talk to you about anything 'us'.  I only talk to Mack about the other
stuff.
  The stuff no one else knows, the stuff I don't want anyone else to know,
especially
you.  I'm afraid you'll feel differently about me or something.  I'm still afraid of that."
  "That won't happen, whether I know explicit details or not.  Suzanne there is nothing that happened in your past that could change the way I feel for you presently
and
in our future.   There is NO horror you could tell me that would change the way I feel for you.  Trust me, please?"
  "I'm working on it.  I trust you with my body now, and I'm working on trusting you with my life, Z.  The trust is coming, and I want it to come.  I want you to be the person I trust most."
  "Good enough.  I love you, Suzanne.  Go ahead, go call Mack."
  "I'll be right back," and placing a kiss on his soft lips, I leave for the spare room to talk to
my
Mack.

                                
==========

 
An hour later when I join Z in his study, he instantly spots the tell-tale signs of my crying.  I’ve never been able to hide crying, and I always look hideous after a good bawling session.  Jumping from his chair he begins walking toward me.
  Raising my hands in the ‘stop panicking’ sort of way, I tell Z,  "It’s okay.  I'm good.  They were mostly happy tears, and I'm absolutely fine.  You have to get used to this though.  Some days I cry a lot, and other days not at all.  This is my life for now, Z.  I am a work in progress, and I’m going to be better and stronger for you one day.  But you have to understand that I’m going to cry, and sometimes I
can
talk to you about my tears, and other days I can barely speak at all.  This is part of me.  Do you think you can handle it all?  It's a lot to take on Z.  And we can move slower if you’d like.  I just want you
in
my life; as little, or as much as you can give me.  It doesn't matter to me, as long as I have you in
some
way.”

 
"I'll take the tears, and the nightmares, and the upset, and the happy, Suzanne.  I’ll even take the
Mack
.  It'll just take some time for me to stop trying to fix everything
for
you, because I'm a work in progress as well.  But I can say this… I'm going to love you like you've never known love could be, and I'm going to make you the happiest you have ever imagined being."
  Standing, Z walks to me and gives me a long, deep, beautiful kiss.  Breathless, I pull away and just stare at his face.  He truly is breathtaking, and apparently
mine
to love.  It's a little overwhelming, but I'm going to make sure I work hard to keep Z. 
  "I want you to be happy
with
me, not
for
me.  I want to share
your
happiness as well."
  "Suzanne..."

 
"Just please think about what you want Z.  Then really think about me and us.  I need you to be sure that
I
will be what it is
YOU
need as well.”

 
“I know what I want, and we’ll work through all the details, until we each feel what we want to feel.  Good enough?”

 
“Okay, good enough.  But I really do have to go now. I'm meeting New York Kayla for lunch, and she's demanding all the details of our 'sex-fest', as she calls it.  I promise to only give her enough to satisfy her, without giving her enough to torture you with later."
  "She doesn't scare me, Suzanne."  He grins.
  "Well, she should.  Mack is absolutely terrified of her, as he should be.  Don't ever mess with
my two Kaylas
, Z.  Individually, they could hurt you, but together, they could crush you." I say in my best, most stern voice.
  "I'll keep that in mind."
  "Smart man.  But I really have to go.  I'll call you later, okay?"
  "Please do.  I love you very much, Suzanne.  We're going to
build
a wonderful life together, I’m sure if it."
   "Ugh, you’re going to make me cry again.  I love you, and I'll call you after Kayla runs me over during lunch.”  He nods, placing a kiss on my lips before I leave him.

 
Leaving the study, I'm struck again by how different Z's apartment is.  Not just the decor has changed.  The very air is different.  The feeling in the apartment is lighter, and hopeful, and
new
.  It's a new start here, just like Z and I.  Everything is new.

 
This Suzanne is new.  I can be any Suzanne I want to be, and this is the Suzanne I'm happiest being.  I have 2 Kaylas, and a Mack.  And I have Z in my life.  I have said a proper goodbye to Marcus.  And I am slowly saying goodbye to the nightmare that was my past.

 
This is a new Suzanne.  Maybe I
can
have the life I always wanted.  Maybe I
was
meant to have love.  Maybe I’m not as horrible as I was always led to believe by the monsters in my past.  Maybe they were wrong, and I am now a wonderful, new,
happy
Suzanne.
 

                                 ==========

  D
riving to the restaurant to meet Kayla, I can’t stop thinking and smiling…
well,
like a crazy person, actually.

 
God, Z is so easy to love.  He will always make me feel special. He will always make me
feel.
  Z will be the happiest my life can ever be.

 
I know deep down that this will happen for us, and I honestly believe Z when he says he wants this, just as much as I do.
  Thinking about loving Z makes me feel such happiness and pleasure, it's like I'm light, or elated, or whole, or something that resembles all those words put together.  I can't even describe it properly.

 
I just know that in this moment of my life when I love Z so completely, I want to live in this exact moment of pure bliss and completion...
forever.

  And then I see the truck and my new Suzanne just stops.

                           
       ==========

  This is it.  It's too late. But I have Z's love.  I have his love in this precious moment of time.  Right NOW, I have his love.
 

 
Oh,
GOD!
  This is my
'TEN'
.  This agony is
unbearable
.  I have to close my eyes now, because I don't want to see
this happen to me.

  Unlike Porphyria's Lover, I don't want Z to die, and
I
don't want to die.  I want to
live
with this love. I was wrong!  Oh, god, I was
so
wrong.  I DO want to live with him in this love.

 
In this precise moment of complete love and adoration, my last memory of Z will be of him loving me completely, of him being
mine
...
forever.

 
In this moment, I leave this earth with only the feeling of my true, healthy, beautiful love for Z... surrounded by the only happiness I have ever known.  There will never be anything more or less than Z's love, to stay with me
forever.

 
Dammit.

 
With a long last exhale I whisper,

    
"I
love
you, Z...

     
But I am gone.”

                                         THE END