Authors: Toni Bernhard,Sylvia Boorstein
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Remember that we’d never speak as harshly to others as we do to ourselves,
as Mary Orr discovered. (See chapter 8)
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Breathe in the suffering of all those who blame themselves for being sick
. Breathe out whatever kindness, serenity, compassion you have to give. Because you share this particular kind of suffering with them, the thoughts that you breathe out will also be directed at yourself. (See chapter 11)
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Repeat the loving-kindness phrases you’ve settled on
, directing them at yourself, perhaps stroking your body as you do so. (See chapter 7)
▶ When you think, “It’s my fault for being sick,”
acknowledge the thought and then . . . just drop it
, bringing awareness to the present moment. Try Byron Katie’s practice of stating what you’re doing physically
right now
: “Man sitting in chair, reading a book.” This will take you out of your repeating round of stressful thoughts and into the present moment. (See chapter 13)
▶ As you experience the unpleasant mental state of blame, instead of reacting with aversion and self-hatred,
consciously move your mind toward the sublime state of loving-kindness, compassion, or equanimity
—directing the sublime state at yourself. (See chapter 10)
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Recall that anything can happen at any time
. This includes chronic illness. It can strike anyone at any moment despite the best of precautions; it’s nobody’s fault. Try Weather Practice: Recognize that blame is a mental state as unpredictable as the weather. The wind blew this painful mood in and it may blow it out any moment. (See chapter 4)
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Use Byron Katie’s inquiry to question the validity of stressful thoughts
such as “It’s my fault that I got sick” or “It’s my fault that I don’t get better.” (See chapter 12)
▶ Recall Munindra-ji’s words and recite, “
There is sickness here, but I am not sick.
” Contemplate “Who Am I?” to help shed the fixed identity of “sick person.” (See chapter 5)
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Ask yourself, “Am I Sure”?
before deciding that the medical professional didn’t want to help you. Maybe the person you saw was overwhelmed with work that day or was experiencing personal problems. If you have a follow-up appointment, try to keep Don’t-Know Mind until then. (See chapter 15)
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Use Byron Katie’s inquiry to question the validity of stressful thoughts
such as “This doctor didn’t want to treat me” or “This medical person thinks I’m not really sick.” (See chapter 12)
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Recall the sayings “If no one is there to receive it, the letter is sent back” and “Don’t stand up in the line of fire
,” from Ajahn Chah. Practically, this means accepting that this is the way he or she relates to you and/or your illness and it’s time to move on to another doctor. Then try “Let go a little” practice—taking a baby step toward peace and equanimity each time you repeat Ajahn Chah’s phrases. (See chapter 9)
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Breathe in the suffering of all those who have been treated poorly by a doctor or other medical professional
. Breathe out whatever kindness, serenity, compassion you have to give. Because you share this particular kind of suffering with them, the thoughts you breathe out will also be directed at yourself. (See chapter 11)
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Try directing your loving-kindness phrases at the people who treated you poorly
(they come under the category of those who are a source of stress in your life). It can be liberating to wish others well—to befriend them in your thoughts—even though they are being insensitive to you. The odds are high that this medical person has been of help to many others. Be glad for those people. (See chapter 7)
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Open your heart to your suffering
. Find words specific to the particular difficulty you’re experiencing and repeat them compassionately to yourself: “It hurts so much to be treated dismissively by a doctor.” Cultivate patient endurance by trying to maintain a calm state of mind while also asserting yourself with the aspiration that better treatment will result. (See chapter 8)
▶ As you experience the unpleasant mental sensations of being treated in a dismissive manner by this medical person, instead of reacting with aversion,
consciously move your mind toward the sublime state of loving-kindness, compassion, or equanimity
—directing the sublime state at yourself. (See chapter 10)
▶ If painful thoughts persist about the experience,
acknowledge the thought and then . . . just drop it
, bringing awareness to the present moment. Try Byron Katie’s practice of stating what you’re doing physically
right now
: “Woman sitting in car after a doctor’s appointment.” This will take you out of your repeating round of stressful thoughts and into the present moment. (See chapter 13)
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Cultivate joy for those who are able to have an active social life and attend special gatherings
. This helps alleviate any envy that might arise. By cultivating joy in the joy of your family or friends who are at a particular event, you may find that you can enjoy the event through those who are there. (See chapter 6)
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Use Byron Katie’s inquiry to question the validity of stressful thoughts
such as “I would have had such a wonderful time at that event” or “I can’t stand to be left out of socializing.” (See chapter 12)
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Use Broken-Glass Practice: reflect on how all that arises passes away
and so your ability to socialize and go to events was already broken. These changes will befall everyone at some point in life. This is how it’s happened to you. Then remember to look after each moment, cherishing what you still
can
do. (See chapter 4)
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Open your heart to your suffering
. Find words specific to the particular activity or gathering you’re suffering over and repeat them compassionately to yourself: “It’s so hard not to be able to join the family for dinner.” (See chapter 8)
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Breathe in the suffering of all those who are unable to visit with friends or attend family gatherings
. Breathe out whatever kindness, serenity, compassion you have to give. Because you share this particular kind of suffering with them, the thoughts that you breathe out will also be directed at yourself. (See chapter 11)
▶ As you experience the unpleasant mental sensations of not being able to engage in these activities, instead of reacting with resentment and anger,
consciously move your mind toward the sublime state of loving-kindness, compassion, or equanimity
—directing the sublime state at yourself. You can also move your mind to joy in the joy of those who are able to have an active social life. (See chapter 10)
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Try saying, “This was an activity that I was able to enjoy for X years
,” using the practice inspired by Susan Saint James (whose young son died). (See chapter 9)
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Re-read the discussion about loneliness and solitude
. If it suits you, explore the Internet for alternatives to traditional face-to-face relationships and activities, whether it be finding people who are similarly sick or people with whom you share non-illness-related interests. (See chapter 17)
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Ask yourself, “Am I Sure?”
before deciding that they are consciously ignoring you. They may be busy at work or sick themselves or concerned that contacting you will exacerbate your symptoms. (See chapter 15)
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Consciously counter this painful mental state by taking immediate action and contacting those who you feel are ignoring you
. It’s unlikely they were intentionally ignoring you. (See chapter 8)
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Use Byron Katie’s inquiry to question the validity of stressful thoughts
such as “He or she doesn’t care about me” or “My family should call more often.” (See chapter 12)
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Check your own communication skills
. Have you been complaining too much about your illness or going into too much detail about doctors and treatments? Can you find other subjects to talk about—shared interests and the like? (See chapter 16)
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Take solace in the fact that you are not alone
; suffering is present in the lives of all beings. Even people who aren’t sick struggle in their relationships with family and friends. Recall Joko Beck’s teaching: your life is always all right; there’s nothing wrong with it, even if you’re suffering. It’s just your life. The good news from the Buddha is that there are practices that can help alleviate your mental suffering. (See chapter 3)
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Repeat the loving-kindness phrases you’ve settled on
, directing them at yourself. Then try directing the phrases at these people (they come under the category of those who are a source of stress in your life). It can be liberating to wish others well—to befriend them in your thoughts—even if they are being insensitive to you. (See chapter 7)
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Open your heart to your suffering
. Find words specific to the particular difficulty at hand and repeat them compassionately to yourself: “It hurts to be ignored by those I love.” (See chapter 8)
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Breathe in the suffering of all those who are being ignored by family or friends
. Breathe out whatever kindness, serenity, compassion you have to give. Because you share this particular kind of suffering with them, the thoughts that you breathe out will also be directed at yourself. (See chapter 11)
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Try saying, “These were relationships that I was able to enjoy for X years
” or “This was a friendship that lasted for X years,” using the practice inspired by Susan Saint James (whose young son died). (See chapter 9)
▶ If a painful thought persists about lost friendships,
acknowledge the thought and then . . . just drop it
, bringing awareness to the present moment. Try Byron Katie’s practice of stating what you’re doing physically
right now
: “Woman sitting at table, eating.” This will take you out of your repeating round of stressful thoughts and into the present moment. (See chapter 13)
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Re-read the discussion about loneliness and solitude
. If it suits you, explore the Internet for alternatives to traditional face-to-face relationships, whether it be finding people who are similarly sick or people with whom you share non-illness-related interests. (See chapter 17)
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Take solace in the fact that you are not alone
; suffering is present in the lives of all beings. This includes suffering over life’s uncertainty. Recall Joko Beck’s teaching: your life is always all right; there’s nothing wrong with it, even if you’re suffering. It’s just your life. The good news from the Buddha is that there are practices that can help alleviate your mental suffering. (See chapter 3)
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Try Weather Practice
: Recognize that life is as unpredictable as the weather. Predicting the future is like predicting the weather. Remember Dogen’s verse—how the bitterest cold may be setting the stage for something joyful. Indeed, the future could hold a lot of sunshine. (See chapter 4)
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Try to keep Don’t-Know Mind
, reminding yourself that you don’t know how long any particular symptom or other concern will last. It won’t last indefinitely, and it might change sooner than you think. (See chapter 15)
▶ If a thought about the uncertainty of the future persists,
acknowledge the thought and then . . . just drop it
, bringing awareness to the present moment. Try Byron Katie’s practice of stating what you’re doing physically
right now
: “Man lying on bed, resting.” This will take you out of your repeating round of stressful thoughts and into the present moment. (See chapter 13)
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Use Byron Katie’s inquiry to question the validity of stressful thoughts
such as “I’ll never get better” or “The future only holds pain for me.” (See chapter 12)
▶ As you experience the unpleasant mental sensation of uncertainty about the future, instead of reacting with worry and fear,
consciously move your mind toward the sublime state of lovingkindness, compassion, or equanimity
—directing the sublime state at yourself. (See chapter 10)